My story..... :(

[SSJlee28]

Hi there,

 

This is my first post and my first thread. I had been reading few threads here and there on this website, and it has helped me cope with a bunch of things. My story is long and complicated, as with many other's relationships.

 

My girlfriend and I started dating when we were 17. We are now 24. We had been dating for 7 years, 4 years of long and faithful distance relationship, and 3 years of close distance relationship. We both loved each other dearly, and we grew up as an adult together. In a way, it was a bad thing, since we grew up as one, and not as independent people. I loved her from the bottom of my heart, and so did she. Our problems however, were continuous for 7 years, and I did not see it. These problems were: my parents did not approve of her even after 7 years of dating, my "conditional" love for her (i previously stated that if I had to move away for school, I could not continue another long distance relationship. Her reply was that she would ditch everything to be with me and avoid a long distance relationship. I could not think of asking her of this), and I treated her great some times, and bad more than I treated her good. It finally caught up to her, and it blew up on my face. One day she asked me that she needed to talk to me, and we had dinner and talked in the car. She had a piece of paper written down, saying all these different things about how I treated her badly, and my conditional love for her was killing her, as she wanted to get married in the future. I had gotten mad and threw tamper tantrums, yelled and screamed. I asked her to write it down on an email, so I could come up with a better answer after thinking about it. The same week before I was ready to give her my answers, she came and she broke up with me. After 2 hours of talking and crying and holding each other, we decided in two weeks, we'll talk about it again. During those 2 weeks, we talked little by little, not too much.

 

2 weeks went by, and I had finally written answers for her. I had told her how I realized so many of my problems and I was willing to fix it. She originally had the opinion of breaking up completely, but I had somehow changed her mind and she wanted to start over again. But before she makes that decision, she wanted to think about it so that she would make a decision out of her conscious and not her heart. Two days go by, and she said let's start being single and build up to a relationship. Of course, I did not like this idea, and kept pushing her to be in a relationship with me. She was even happy with this idea of starting single, that we could start over, but I wasn't. The next 2 days were me winning her over again, only for her to break it up next day because she felt I could not compromise, and saw that she was hurting me. I had also found that during the 2 weeks I was preparing myself, she had met and went out with another guy (no physical contact). She had aggressively lead him on, and I read their messages. It broke my heart, but I was still OK with that, because I loved her so deeply and just wanted her to see the new me. After a few days later, she gave me three pathways that she could take. Pathway 1: to take a journey into this relationship again, but in baby steps. She kept saying all she wanted was to be with me, and she still promises that is true. Pathway 2: to cut it off completely, which is easier since it'll be clean. Pathway 3: we will not be together at this point, but maybe in the future we will be together again. We finally had decided to take babysteps by me taking her to dates and taking it slow. Our 2-3 dates were perfect. We were so happy, we got intimate, and we were just having a blast again. I had realized so many things during these few weeks that I had become such a better person. However, it wasn't enough. I kept pushing her and pushing her, asking for a guarantee. I kept asking her for a guarantee that she would want me to chase her, but she kept giving me an answer that she was confused to what she wanted. She was confused about our relationship, and our future. She was scared that if she took me back, I will go back to who I was before. No words from my mouth helped her change her mind, but rather push her away from me. Yesterday we decided to let each other go. I was getting heart broken over and over, and she was also getting hurt as well. She did not want to hurt me any more, because she truly just wanted to be alone and figure her self out, and become an independent person she once was. I finally had to give up, as I was so unhealthy that I could not sleep for few days, and my heart just could not handle it any more. We made a pact that for the next 6 months, we won't see/date other people, because we will just end up hurting each other.

 

I took her for granted during our relationship because she loved me so much, she had always put in 110% into our relationship, while I only put in maybe 50%. The statement, "You don't know what you lost until it's gone" cannot be said more clearly for me. I never thought she would break up with me, and I couldn't see a clear future with us in it due to my parent's disapproval. Thus, my bad treatment towards her. I learned all this, I learned my problems, I confided in my pastor, my friends, and my parents. It's been a month and half since we broke up from our relationship, and one day since we completely broke up. We decided that if we're meant to be, we'll be together again and she kept saying, "If one loves the other so much and the other reciprocates, they'll always be together again".. I want to give her time to fix herself, but this fixing her self may only push her away from me. I need time to fix myself, to become the nice person I once was.

 

But I can't get over the fact that I still want her deeply. Even after all this pain, I still want her. I've changed so much, I've become so much wiser than 80% of the men I know. I know how to treat the next companion much better. The problem is, I only want her to be my next companion. She was my everything. She said she always wants me in her life, as a friend or pathway 3 lovers. I basically grew up with her, became a man through her. My first everything was with her, we shared so much, and it doesn't help that I live in the same city with many of the same group of friends with her. I love her so much still, and I only hope that we can be together again. But I don't know how to go about this. As much as I want to, I don't think I'll be ready to jump in a relationship with her. I'll be constantly pushing her towards me, but in the end, it'll end up backfiring. I want to give her time, to figure herself out, and only hope that she'll somehow find that I was still the one for her. I will try this NC thing for the next month and half, and see where it goes from there. If anyone has any other suggestions, please let me know...

[Piet]

this is a very moving story as i can relate to this, please let us know how your NC is advancing, i hope you the best of luck.

[20sgal88]

Seven years is a long time to be with someone! Especially experiencing things for the first time with them, sharing so much and passing the time. Undoubtedly you derived your identity from the relationship to such an extent you hardly know who you are anymore without it. Would you consider that this pattern is unhealthy?

 

As much pain as it brings you perhaps you could swim with the tide and see where it goes. This may be an opportunity for you to grow as an individual. To help you get through this time and also for inspiration, I suggest looking into Eckhart Tolle material. He’s an author of several books and has helpful youtube videos.

 

He’s helped me immensely with my problems. You might try working on acceptance and surrendering to the situation. When you stop fighting life it works for you eventually. You’re experiencing pain because you’re resisting what is—which is normal. Anyone in your situation likely would.

 

It sounds like your relationship has become stale and stagnant and likely she harbors some sort of resentment toward you. You admitted yourself you only put in about 50% into the relationship. What do you mean by that exactly? You weren’t sensitive to her needs, perhaps forgot anniversaries and such, were selfish?

 

Another thing too, I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to want to not have a long distance relationship while pursuing education. This is a hard one because often times our career path puts a damper on our relationships. But that’s just the reality. We have to prepare for the future and determine our priorities—as harsh as that sounds.

 

I don’t think it’s really wise on her part to just dump all of her dreams/goals to pursue a relationship with someone either. Love is blind. A person will do crazy things for love. I think perhaps you two have grown tired of old patterns and she feels suffocated in the relationship and needs breathing room. Give her space, allow things to be and have faith that no matter the outcome, things will work out for the better.

 

If that means you two will reunite with a stronger bond or move on to new avenues. It’s a scary prospect because we as human beings don’t like change. We get comfortable and that’s where we’d like to stay. But the truth is nothing lasts forever. There is an innate impermanence to life itself and all its manifestations and cohorts: people, animals, plants, dirt, rocks, situations, relationships, objects, thoughts, emotions, etc…the list can go on and on.

 

Once you accept this and allow it to sink in—which you inevitably will, everyone must sooner or later—things should become more bearable. Not that you’re never going to experience pain again. You will, we will, we do. It is the human condition. But you are not alone and despite your pain you will have tapped into an underlying peace that surrounds every scenario if you’re present and allow life to be.

[dasilver]

You are truly a mature and responsible man for owning up to your part in the mistakes in your relationship that eventually led to your break up. Very nice to see you also making steps to make they don't not happen again.

 

NC definitely helps in healing and moving on....

 

Your relationship seems like after a period of NC, there is a chance that the two of you may get back together and go on to have a wonderful relationship.

 

Right now though NC seems like the right way to go....you will grow and learn a lot during this period.

 

Good luck...

[SSJlee28]

Thank you for your words! This pattern was very unhealthy for both of us. We love each other deeply, and we still want nothing more than to be together in the future. But at this moment in present time, I know that it's best for both of us to be truly alone. We grew up together, we became one. Our friends never really called us by our individual names, but it was always ___ & ___, because we were ALWAYS together. 7 years and our love for each other was ALWAYs strong, it never died down.

 

I agree that I don' tknow who I am without this person. This is something that I need to figure out at this time, and hopefully find out who I am for the better. For next future relationship, or hopefully for her. I will definitely look into Eckhart Tolle, I'm also re-reading five love languages lol, just to see if I can improve.

 

My 50% onto this relationship were that.. she was always coming over to my house, even though my mom would not even get up from her couch to say hi. She would cook me dinner, do laundry, clean, blah blah blah, while I was preparing for my studies. I did no such thing. I did not reciprocate much of this. WHen we fought, I yelled, swore AT her, screamed, and make her scared of me. She was scared to talk to me sometimes due to my overreacting personality. I always avoided marriage topics, I was scared to fully commit, since she was my first girlfriend, and I didn't know if I wanted to marry my first girlfriend, not knowing what was out there. But I know what is out there. Deeply inside, I always wanted her to be my wife. I still do. This doesn't mean I was bad to her constantly. I never forgot our anniversaries, holidays or birthdays. We took each other to dates every month. Sometimes I resented it but I did so because it made her so happy. I was selfish in that way, that I kept receiving 110% of her, while I was not reciprocating.

 

Oh one another thing. I had to talk to my mom about all my problems. I finally had the courage to tell her everything about my love for her. Mom finally gave in, and eventually even suggested that if I wanted to marry her, then be confident and tell me about it, because I will always support you. This was a huge break in our barrier-ed (if there is such a word) relationship, and I knew I had to chase her even more, because I finally saw this future with her. But my pushing personally drove her away even more...

 

I know that if we get back together in the future, it'll be a completely different relationship and hopefully one that we can keep forever. But I know that whatever happens from now on, will only be for the better. I know that if I can recover from this, I will be a better person for the next relationship, or if we get back together, I won't be my old self again. I am slowly getting through this, sometimes I feel relieved that it happened, because I won't be so hurt all the time any more.

[SSJlee28]

You are truly a mature and responsible man for owning up to your part in the mistakes in your relationship that eventually led to your break up. Very nice to see you also making steps to make they don't not happen again.

 

NC definitely helps in healing and moving on....

 

Your relationship seems like after a period of NC, there is a chance that the two of you may get back together and go on to have a wonderful relationship.

 

Right now though NC seems like the right way to go....you will grow and learn a lot during this period.

 

Good luck...

 

Thank you so much for your kind words!! I am partly glad that it happened, because it made me realize the person I was becoming. I am slowly fixing myself, to figure out what I did wrong, and to figure out who I am.

 

NC is going to be hard, brutally difficult. We told each other that pathway 3, of us getting back together in the future is a definite possibility, and a hopeful possibility. I can only hope that even after this period of NC and period of fixing ourselves, we both still love each other and want to get back together. That being said, I also have to prepare for the worst... and that hurts.

[SSJlee28]

She's moving away to Hawaii for a week to recollect herself. I will be leave to another country for 2 weeks the day she comes back, and will be going to a trip with my guy friends for a week.

 

I kind of broke NC by saying, be safe

 

It hurts... It sucks that I have a huge fever exacerbated by immunization shots I received last week. Whenever my heart hurts, my body increases in temperature. As much as I tell myself I"ll get better and hopefully you can change yourself for the better, I will always want her.. more than friends. I'll be trying my best to keep NC, unless I have big events, such letting her know I am going to another country.

 

It sucks.. alot. our 7 year relationship was a very close one. We were always together. We saw each other 3-5 times a week, and had wonderful vacations together. I took advantage of her love, and now all I want is to get her back. I can only pray that we will be back together in the future, hopefully sooner than later.

 

I apologize for bumping my own thread constantly, it feels much better to be typing here than lying on my bed with a fever!

 

P.S. I was supposed to talk to her parents before we had this final break up, so I could come clean and avoid her going through the pain of telling them. I wanted to confess to them how much of a bad boyfriend I was, and ask for their forgiveness and permission to date her. I was wondering if it would be a good idea for me to write them an email saying thank you for all their hospitality, and that I still love her and hope to be together with her in the future?

 

P.S.S. that hurts. Her parents wanted us to marry, their parents and whole family loved me. Gahhhhh

[SSJlee28]

I know she loves me alot.. and I still love her. We're still in love. I know that. Even when we were breaking up, we left pathway 3 open. For us to be together in the future is still a definite and hopefully possibility.

 

That being said, I'm always so insecure that she'll find someone during this 6 month period, and not want me any more. I am so scared of losing her to someone else. So scared of seeing her being happy with another person.

 

I need to focus 100% on healing myself first, but it's always so hard.

[SSJlee28]

Day 2

 

I had booked an appointment in August with a fortune teller while back, a teller that two of my friends went to when they were having issues with their problematic relationships. Both were uplifted and actually came true, some of the things she had told them. My ex knew that I was planning to see this teller. On the day of our break up, she said not to, saying what if the teller says we will never be together? Then few minutes later, she said, not to cling on to hope of us being together, because she doesn't know when she would be ready to be in a relationship with me again. She's not ready for anyone she says, because she's so broken and empty inside, she has nothing to give. If the teller says I have no future with her, then it'll help me move on even more. Even if she says I have a future with this ex, I will take it with a grain of salt.

 

During the two weeks that I was chasing her, I put in all the effort. Wrote letters each date I took her out to, paid for everything, brought small presents every time I took her out. Took her to one of the dream things that she always wanted to do - pottery painting. I got the call from the place telling me that the pieces are ready to pick up. We decided on that my dragon I painted she would keep, and I would keep her pig, to always remind ourselves of each other...

 

She's confused. I'm confused. I guess we really need this time away from each other to figure it out. The only thing that haunts me right now is that it hurts to know that she might want to completely cut me off right after this period of NC. She might not love me, or she might not want to be with me. She might have found someone else. 6 months of no dating other people pact is wonderful, but realistically, I don't know how true that will hold. She promised me over and over on it, but I don't know how true that is either.

 

I'm scared. It seems like she's happy the way she's posting on facebook posts. I can't even bring myself to post anything, or care about anyone else at this moment. Maybe she's just trying to act happy, maybe she is truly happy without me. Before we broke up she told me that she will always be attracted to me, she'll always be in love with me. That even if we're old like 80, or even if we die and go to heaven, that she'll always want me..... that seems overboard. Something I didn't need to hear.

 

She knows I'll fight for her though. I had to talk to my mom about her, I even told her, before I left her with a kiss, that if you want me, i'll be right here. Even if I have a girlfriend by then, i'll be right here... she said that if you have a girlfriend i might try to steal you away from her. She's so confused... and I love her so much.

 

I'm just rambling on my thought shere. It'd be nice if someone could come help me out a little though haha.

[SSJlee28]

She is in a grade higher than I am. I was her high school sweetheart first, and she was mine the year later. So much history and so many memories shared together... omgggggggggg

[SSJlee28]

Friends came over.. made it even harder for me, as we always hung out in groups... Can't go anywhere, because we've been through everywhere together. Constant reminders of her and I would be okay for few hours, then a spark of her image comes in my head and down goes my heart.

[SSJlee28]

COuld anyone please chime in and put their in put? or please place this under journals....

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that you are very mature and reflective.

 

I want to give you some food for thought. If I were her, I would leave you too. I would feel unappreciated, ignored, and taken for granted. In the past when I felt that way, I lost the "in love" feeling with the person. I suspect the same for her. She stayed through the hurt because the love was still there. Of course she still loves you but not in the same romantic sense I believe. I think neglect can drive that love away.

 

So, I think that is something for you to think about.

[SSJlee28]

I know. That's where I went wrong. She put everything into this relationship, while I focused too much on my ambitions. I took my anger at her and sometimes couldn't care for her. I was under alot of stress.

 

But stress is all relative. I should have been there for her to take care of her when she needed me like how she was always there for me. I should have reciprocated. While I am not gonna say I didn't try, as we took each other to dates every month, taking turns. Took the whole day off for each other to spend together. I bought her an expensive LV bag that cost me a whole month of salary, and a book called five love languages to strengthen oure rlationship. Biggest downpoint? I didn't read it, until we broke up. I can't make excuses. I didn't treat her that well. I just kept reasoning that if I didn't have my career set in my life, I couldn't have anything. I should have balanced it out more.

 

During the 2-3 weeks of me getting her back and taking her out to dates, she told me that I was filling her cup. I did all the right things. I didn't include this on my description but when she first broke up with me, before I won her back few times, she met another guy. She agressively chased him and lead him on. She realized it was shady and stupid, she stopped leading him on. I only found out via a source. They still talked, and that's when I got insecured and I kept pushing her to be with me, and as a result I pushed her away further.

 

Perhaps she lost her romantic way of loving me. Perhaps she didn't. Because until Monday (broke up on Tuesday), she had told me that she promised me that she was still in love with me. But who knows how thats changed.

 

I like to think that you can't throw a 7 year relationship away like that. It was truly a great one, we had great great moments. We deeply loved each other. It was just me getting too side tracked and neglecting her. I still have the hope that we will see each other again, but I'm slowly learning to be myself again. Not to be someone who I was before I met her, but just myself.

[Ms Darcy]

3 weeks of filling a cup doesn't negate years of an empty well, you know?

[SSJlee28]

3 weeks of filling a cup doesn't negate years of an empty well, you know?

 

No, it doesn't. Love is blind. I think both her and I failed to see what I was doing until something hit her and an earthquake shatter that well, if that makes sense. As we were taking our last walk together to say goodbyes, she said that she has nothing to give anybody right now, that she needed to heal herself. I'm still stupidly clinging on to this hope that we will be together again, as we kept ptomising each other that pathway 3 was a viable and hopeful possibility. Because I know if we ever start again, it won't end like this, I'll fill that well up with enough water to fill the earth

[Ms Darcy]

More than likely, you'll be a better boyfriend for the woman you end up with. Usually not the first love who left though.

[SSJlee28]

More than likely, you'll be a better boyfriend for the woman you end up with. Usually not the first love who left though.

 

Hope the second sentence is not true but either way, I will have to move on to improve myself I guess.

[SSJlee28]

Day 3...

 

The pain never stops. It always comes back when I first get out of bed. It hits so hard, and all I can do is text my friends sporadically, asking for some kind of comfort. Just wanting someone to say there will always be a chance.

 

I keep getting things like, just keep praying and ask God for guidance. Things will get better. If you guys are truly meant to be, you will be with her again.

 

Msgs from her before break up keeps coming up: Our personalities just don't match right now. What if you fortune teller tells you we will never be together? I want to be with you, just not right now. I can't be withj you right now. I need to be alone, I need to heal and I need to be selfish. I will always keep our future together as an option. But don't cling on to that hope of us being together.

 

It hurts, so bad. I can't eat, sleep, or think.

[SSJlee28]

I agree that you are very mature and reflective.

 

I want to give you some food for thought. If I were her, I would leave you too. I would feel unappreciated, ignored, and taken for granted. In the past when I felt that way, I lost the "in love" feeling with the person. I suspect the same for her. She stayed through the hurt because the love was still there. Of course she still loves you but not in the same romantic sense I believe. I think neglect can drive that love away.

 

So, I think that is something for you to think about.

 

Is it not possible to re-spark that loss of romantic love? I still don't believe that she lost it with me. As she said it even before we broke up.. constantly and promised me the day before that. But you never know, but is it still possible to re spark that love?

[SSJlee28]

I feel more depressed everyday.. I took a nap, only to dream about her running away. Great. Does anyone think we have a chance of reconciling this year?

 

P.S. I am supposed to give her my pottery dragon.... I was going to write a letter inside the dragon, cover it up with a note saying don't open this until you are ready.... The letter will say that I am learning to move on and I hope that both of us will be healed soon. That this is good for both of us and to become the person we should have been long time ago. Then ask if she is ready to talk , just let me know....

 

Goodidea or bad idea?

[Mr_LFA]

Bad idea if she's 'seeing' someone else. Chances are, the more you give her at this point in time, the more it'll push her away. I know its hard but NC is best right now.

[SSJlee28]

Yeah. I hope she wasn't seeing him. He doesn't even look like a decent guy, and a girl friend of mine warned her against him.

 

I'm leaving the country for nearly a month. I'll be carrying around a journal to collect my thoughts, but hopefully I won't be thinking about her that much. Hopefully... we can still be together again.

[Mr_LFA]

Yeah. I hope she wasn't seeing him. He doesn't even look like a decent guy, and a girl friend of mine warned her against him.

 

I'm leaving the country for nearly a month. I'll be carrying around a journal to collect my thoughts, but hopefully I won't be thinking about her that much. Hopefully... we can still be together again.

I guess it is her choice in the end, decent guy or not. Although I know it makes it hurt more if you're a good guy yourself and they go off with a jerk.

Going on a holiday is probably the best thing right now and puts you in a different 'space'. It has helped me in the past.

Give it time and space but you never know what will happen in the future.