Stuck between a rock and a hard place . . .

[peterj]

Hello all, bit of drama going on in my household, and I'm hoping to find some advice on how to handle it, or at least some opinions. The reason I'm turning to something as anonymous as this, is because I feel weird asking my friends for advice, I would have to share a lot of my girlfriends personal business, and I'm not comfortable doing that. Any guidance or anything I could get here would be appreciated, I'm freaking out a little. This is quite long, I'm venting a little here too, if you read this all the way through, thanks in advance.

 

A bit of background. About a month and a half ago, my girlfriends sister, I'll call her M, was caught cheating on her husband, as in, caught in the act by her husbands sister who walked in on it. It was something long suspected, but only confirmed then. She used to work in a group home, which is where she met this new guy, she was let go from that job, as in, she was given two choices and chose to quit, because of her personal "friendship" with this person. She swore up and down that it was a friendship, and even though it caused strain on her marriage, people had to take her word for it, until the day she was caught. Her reaction to being caught wasn't one of being sorry, but she says it's been an invasion of her privacy, and she is now trying to get whatever money she can from her husband. Talking about going after his retirement savings, and saying she needs to get alimony out of him, as she has "no other options." She hasn't worked since she lost her job, and any income has been strictly from him. She is acting very defiant at all times, all she is concerned about is how much money she is going to get from the whole thing, all the while, actively dating this new guy, going out to supper and movies and paying for it all, out of an account that is basically her husbands money. I realize that under the law it's supposed to be both of theirs because they're married, but morally, and I think literally, it's his money, and she is using it to buy things for her new boyfriend. She has been diagnosed with MS, approx. 6 years ago, it's not aggressive and she is on medications for it, his insurance pays for her medications, without that it would cost her close to 1000 dollars a month, and she is saying that after they split, he still needs to pay for that for at least 6 months, again, in her words, she has "no other options." As soon as the husband found out, he sat her down and broke down what was going to happen, they were filing separation, selling the house, eventually divorcing. He had a lawyer draft up a separation agreement which actually entitled to her to some money, if she signed it, they would go their separate ways and wait until the divorce proceedings, but she went and got her own lawyer and is now wanting to drag the whole thing out, so she can get more money out of the situation, as I said, she wants half his retirement savings, he was left a house by his uncle who passed away, she wants him to sell that house and give her half the money, it's pretty disgusting to say the least. When they put the house up for sale, her sisters went over to help pack, and she sits around not helping, and yelling at them for being in her way. The real estate agent suggested a layout for their furniture for viewings, everyone but her did the work setting that up, and when the sisters and husband were gone, she put it all back the way she wanted it. She demanded the vehicle that they shared, which was only purchased about 6 months ago, so in the timeline, was after she lost her job and stopped bringing income into the house, so she hasn't paid one dime on it. She also has a dog that she neglects, and my girlfriend told me recently she went over to the house and there were urine stains all over the place, and the dog's hair is falling out. It's beyond sad. The husband has been staying with his parents, as he understandably doesn't want to sleep in that bed anymore.

 

Fast forward to now, and my questions, and troubles. They have sold their house and the closing date is a week from today. She (M) hasn't made any plans whatsoever, she hasn't begun looking for a place to live, she is still actively dating this new guy, who her sisters and parents all refuse to meet, and have told her that, her response "I'm sorry you feel that way about it." The only thing she has mentioned is that it will be difficult to find a place that allows dogs, but other than that, nothing, she hasn't looked at places, and she hasn't been applying for jobs either. Now, while she hasn't asked us if she can stay with us until she finds somewhere to live, I have a feeling she is going to any day now. Her parents live about 4 hours outside of the city where we live, and there is nowhere to work out there, plus she would be away from her new boyfriend so she would not go there. As I mentioned, her new boyfriend lives in a group home, he's an alcoholic that lives in the group home because he "can't" live in society for whatever reason, he's got mental issues, and has been in and out of psychiatric care. She can't stay with him because the group home wouldn't allow that, not to mention it's her former workplace. Her other sister lives about an hour outside of the city, so she is a candidate, however, me and my girlfriend live within the city limits, so that way she could, theoretically, look for jobs and a place to live easier.

 

This is my main problem, and something that has been causing a lot of fights between me and my girlfriend. I do not want her staying with us. If it were up to me, I would never speak to her again, even now I only have minimal contact with her. I find the depth of her selfishness to be astounding every day. Every story I hear about how she is acting, or what new thing she is trying to go after her husband for, makes me hate her even more. It's not healthy to feel that way. My girlfriend is in a tough spot because it's her sister, she has said if she wasn't, she couldn't care less what happens to her, everyone feels awful for the husband, but they are continually disgusted with her behaviour, he is just trying to get a clean split and move on with his life. My girlfriend says she doesn't want to help her because of what she's done and how she's acting after the fact, but won't see her homeless. My point of view is that M has known she had to find a place to live for almost two months, and has done nothing about it, and is once again going to rely on somebody to step in and solve her problems for her, which in my mind doesn't help her at all, it only enables her selfish ways. The thought of helping her makes me a little sick, I understand that no-one wants to see her homeless, but I think she will never learn that she has to dig her way out of whatever hole she is in, that's life. I mentioned that she has MS, but she is not far along, meaning, she can drive, she can work, she has no problems running around town with her new friend, but can't find time to look for a job, or a place to live. She chooses not to, and that's what drives me so crazy, she's lazy and selfish, and doesn't care at all. It's like she knows that her family will just jump in and save her, again. As I mentioned, her sisters have been doing all of her packing for her, because if they don't' do it, it won't get done. I know she is capable of doing things for herself, but up until now she hasn't had to, her family, in my opinion, coddle and enable her behaviour, and I don't want to take part in that.

 

I'm surprised and confused by how angry this makes me, thats whats causing a lot of the fights between me and my girlfriend, I feel very strongly about her sister not staying with us, and I keep repeating myself as to why, which we are both a little tired of hearing. I have to constantly remind my self to not make this worse for my girlfriend than it already is. I'm also furious at how she walks all over everyone of her family members like they are her servants. We're both sick of talking about it, but have come to the realization that although we will not offer it to her, if/when she asks to stay we've decided on a few rules.

1- She can only stay for two weeks, come August 1st she has to have somewhere to go, I don't care where, it could be a hotel.

2 - She cannot bring her dog to our house, we have carpets and I don't want an animal going all over the house, she brought the dog inside once and within minutes she had an "accident" on the carpet, plus the way she neglects that poor dog I think the best thing for it is to find a new home, and

3 - she cannot under any circumstance have this new guy over to our house at any time, she can't give him our phone number, he is not to know where we live. If she stays with us and breaks the rule about the guy, she will be gone the second we find out about it.

 

That's the worst part, I don't trust her, she has been lying to her family and husband about this friendship for over a year, and I feel that she will have this guy over at our house when we're not home, that may not be the case but it's a huge concern of mine. We don't know much about this guy other than he spent some time in jail for driving a transfer truck while he was drunk, and he lives in a group home for mentally unstable people. She, M, mentioned to my girlfriend that his sister and friends are pretty much all drug addicts, not weekend pot smokers or anything, but on prescribed methadone, and one person having spent time in the hospital for OxyContin addiction, none of them have jobs, they all live on government assistance and disability, she continually buys them all food, with her husbands money, I think in her mind she's helping them, but I also don't know what goes on in her mind. These are not people I want knowing where we live, and I don't trust her to be in our house. Truth be told, I've never met this guy, but I never want to, I consider the husband a friend, and this other guy knew what he was doing, knew she was married, so he was taking advantage of the husband along with her, spending his money, having sex in their bed while the husband was at work. Another major concern, is that me and my girlfriend are going to be out of town for 3 days (weekend of the 14th), going away to a wedding, flying up for it, I'm not about to change those plans because of her, so she would be alone in our house in that time, and frankly that scares me, a lot of that fear comes from knowing what my reaction will be if I find out anything happened while we were gone. I know it's bad to speculate and get worked up about something that hasn't even happened, and may not, but it's a growing concern. I've been around serious drug addicts (family member) and I know that they will steal from people, they will steal from their own family, so they also have no troubles stealing from people they have little to no connections with. I'm really afraid of a major confrontation between me and M causing a lot of strain between me and my girlfriend, and her family, I love and respect all of them, and I feel awful for them having to go through this because of her, but I also refuse to let her walk over me, I won't do it, and I'm afraid my hard-ass ways about it are going to cause problems in the future, this problem isn't going away any time soon. I put this on a relationship forum, because thats what I'm worried about, my relationship with my girlfriend, I'm torn between wanting to do what's right by her, but not be taken advantage of by someone who I thnk needs to be taught a life lesson.

 

I don't know what else to say or what kind of answers I'm looking for here, this is really the only time I've said anything about it other than talking to my girlfriend, and like I said, I can't really talk about it with anyone I know without sharing rather intimate details of someone marital woes. I'm basically wondering what some of you would do in this situation, would you be more forgiving to her, less? Would you suck it up and let her stay for the two weeks, under the rules. Tell her to hit the bricks and fend for herself, that's what I want to do, but I can't unfortunately. I'm torn between wanting to help my girlfriend who is being put in this situation, but also wanting to teach M a lesson in how to be an adult and solve her own problems, no one is drawing the line with her, even her husband who she cheated on and lied to, is giving her more than she deserves, to date she has had zero consequence for her actions. It may sound harsh, but in my mind, the only way to actually help her is to let her fall flat on her ass and turn her away, and make her realize she can't treat people this way.

 

Thoughts?

[luminousone]

No no no do not let her move in with you for two weeks!

 

If your gf is that worried then you can compromise and offer to pay for a longterm hotel for two weeks although i agree with you about not enabling and bailing her out.

 

I really feel for that husband. I think there is a legal way he can freeze the money until things are resolved

[lavenderdove]

If this women is a drug addict associating with drug addicts, there is no way I'd let them stay in my home. She has had ample time to prepare to find a place to live and made no plans to do so, so what makes your GF think that her sister will spontaneously find a place to live in another 2 weeks once she is in your house?

 

what will most likely happen at the end of the two weeks is the sister will cry or whatever and say she needs more time and you'll never get her out again.

 

they may steal your stuff and money, or steal your financial info and identity and rack up bills in your name.

 

Your GF is not her sister's parent, and if the sister really needs a place to stay, she can go live with the parents. Your GF isn't seeing clearly here, and frankly is making a HUGE imposition on you expecting you to take an addict and someone who doesn't have a job into your house under these conditions.

 

If you do let her come live with you, make sure you take all your financial info and put it in a safety deposit box where her sister can't get it, along with all your valuables you can't afford to lose. Then you'll have to decide how long to put up with it. If she's not gone in the agreed to two weeks, then you may have to move out yourself or else boot your GF and her sister out if you own the lease on the house.

 

btw, i think it unrealistic to expect her to not contact her BF and have him in your house. If she'll lie to her own husband about this guy, she will lie to you too... so if you do agree to take her in, you should expect that she WILL be bringing that guy around when you're not around or at a minimum he will be contacting her at your place so they can make arrangements to be together.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i suspect that what the sister will do is expect to stay at your house until her divorce finalizes and her 'payday' comes in with her getting half the assets. So if you let her in, don't be surprised if both she and your GF make excuses as to why she needs to keep extending her stay at your house.

 

It is far easier to draw the line and never let her in than it is to let her in then be forced to throw her out. That old expression that once they get their foot in the door you can't get rid of them is really true... she's a user and a freeloader, so it will be very easy for her in her own mind to justify that you NEED to let her stay at your place until her divorce finalizes and she's got all the money she wants to move into a place with her new BF. If you think that will be soon then fine, but if you think it will be a while before she gets her hands on the divorce money (or that she will drag the divorce out), then don't even let her get her foot in the door.

[peterj]

I honestly have no evidence of her (M) being a drug addict, and right now I don't suspect it, but from what she has told her sister (my GF) the people she is associating with do have drug problems. M is known to drink on occasion, but to the best of my knowledge, she isn't using drugs, maybe it's only a matter of time, because we all want to keep our distance from these people, and frankly, her, it's hard to say what they are up to, but from the little bits of info I have heard, they are not people I want anywhere near my home under any circumstance.

 

Something I didn't add in my original post, M does go through bouts of severe depression, which started after her MS diagnosis, which might explain some of her odd behaviour, the only thing I could attribute that to is her unwillingness to do anything for herself, she spends a lot of time on the couch, but that said, it certainly doesn't excuse any of it. Her family are mainly worried about what's going to happen to her when she goes on a down cycle, or crashes, and to be quite honest, they seem afraid of her hurting herself when it really kicks in just how much she is screwing up her life. Right now she seems to be living in some dream land where nothing is wrong, but they are all waiting for the other shoe to drop. I completely understand why they feel that way, which is why I'm so torn about it. But I also think she uses that depression as a crutch at times, and that makes me furious, her attitude seems to be "you can't criticize me, I'm sick," when I feel she knows exactly what she's doing and she's being manipulative.

 

What I think she absolutely needs is professional help, a psychiatrist or something, but she refuses to do that, she has seen professionals in the past, including marriage counsellors, and always comes out of it saying that she doesn't like how the people speak to her, which is where she loses any ounce of sympathy I may have had for her. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. It's all just awful, I still remember the phone call where my GF's other sister called to tell us what happened, and she said "not that it affects our lives in any way but . . . " and I immediately knew that couldn't be further from the truth.