Am I too serious about this?

[AloneAt21]

Does anyone else feel like this...

 

I find it repulsive thinking about girls with other men. If a girl has been with another man (recently) and I were to sleep with her, I would liken that to putting my penis in another man's used condom. It's not as bad if it has been a while since she has had sex (months) or if it was with a long term partner.

 

When a relationship is going downward my friends just tell me to "cut my losses" and "just get rid of her" as if it's not a big deal, but the thought of "giving" her away for some other man to have sex with is too difficult, and I find the thought disgusting. For this reason I try to work things out as much as possible and hold on for as long as I can. I just can't stand the thought and it breaks my heart thinking that it may end up that way.

 

I have never only slept with a girl (one night stand etc.). I've only slept with 2 different girls and both have been long term relationships. My friends try to persuade me to sleep with girls that I am interested in, but I just can't bring myself to do it unless I'm sure that it will evolve into a relationship.

 

Is this just me or does anyone else feel this way? I don't understand how guys can just go from woman to woman and have no guilt or regret. One of my best friends is like this and I just don't get it. It's such a repulsive turn off if I find out a girl sleeps with lots of men and let's them use her like that...

 

Sorry I know this sounds like I'm slating women, I'm not trying to, I was just curious if it's only me as I don't want to feel this way forever and am trying to get over it but can't seem to.

[Snowy]

I feel this way too, but only towards long term partners.

 

Upon finding out my ex has had a few partners after me, I immediately conjure up images of her having sex with them, and a great feeling of disgust engulfs me after that.

[lukeb]

I am sure there are plenty of men around who are only into relationships or to have sex where there is a reasonable chance for a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that, commendable even. I do find the reasons that you give a little bizarre, and actually somewhat degrading to women. Women don't use themselves for sex anymore than men use themselves for sex. People have sex because they want to, not because they allow themselves to be used that way. It is good though that you don't want to feel that way forever.

[pinkelephant]

Women are good for more than just sex. Sex is more than just penis in vagina.

[Madxter]

Wow pinkelephant (Y)

[The_Seeker]

I know how you feel. I have 3 failed relationships. LOL The this one is when I lost my v-card too.

 

Anyway, your problem or your issue is that you are looking for the ideal. Don't get me wrong that is absolutely attractive. I am the same way.

 

But the crazy world we live in, don't have that.

 

Hence why you need to take your time to know the person and hope for the best. If it comes out worst, you just move forward until you find someone who shares the same integrity and values like you do.

[PaintWithLight]

You might want to adopt a more flexible view of past sexual relations. the used condom view is just too hars and inaccurate. If she had just had her monthly cycle would you envision that as well? Everyone has boundaries but I sense a huge amount of insecurity behind your mind set. Relax and realize that people have all kind of previous experiences and that does not make them damaged goods. Just human.

[joeson1257]

Men just have to accept the fact that they are always gonna be someones sloppy seconds.

[FYI]

I didn't get it either at first. I really didn't.

 

Because I believed in all of that fairytale love you see up on the hollywood screens. I believed in all that junk. The truth is, dating is just not what it used to be. And I've had to learn to lighten up a little bit. I was strictly a no relationship, no sex kind of guy. But then I started noticing how I was getting such great sex but that the relationships were so piss-poor and toxic. I've had relationships with some really unavailable women, seriously. Now, I don't mind so much a casual thing here or there because the reality is that not every women you meet is going to be relationship material. And my goodness, you're going to go through a lot of that and sometimes it takes a while to figure out if someone is really right for a relationship for you. So if you add that up and you go from woman to woman seeking a relationship and it doesn't pan out each time, you never would have sex, ever.

 

Obviously, you're not having sex with every woman that comes into the picture, but that sometimes it's not such a bad thing if you just get that part out of your system. We're human beings and we're not robots. Sometimes I wouldn't even put down the fact that it may enable you to make a better decision. Because you're not lusting and being blinded by the fake rays of love which is really just lust, forcing you into the corner of accepting a relationship when perhaps that's not really what you want. I commend those like yourself that do wait, however, I'm just offering a newer perspective to consider. Each woman is not the same, doesn't think or feel the same and some may actually understand and respect that. Still play it safe, still protect yourself and make sure she's serious about protection as well.

 

I'm going to be very honest with you. Waiting on sex until a relationship is on the horizon is the most responsible method. Unfortunately, dating has just changed so much within our society that it's very very seldom you will see that anymore. I can still count on two hands how many women I've been with. Although I'm proud of that, I sometimes feel somewhat limited in my knowledge of dating and connecting with women because of it. Like you, I did everything right and I still fail. The choice is yours, but do what works for you and don't let anyone else tell you any different. If that's what makes you happy, I think you should continue to do it your way.

[Natasha24]

So if your girlfriend had slept with 2 men in her past, you'd think of her as a "used condom", but you can sleep with 2 girls in your past and that's okay?

 

If that's your view, that's fine. But don't look down on people just because they have different sexual lifestyles than you. No one is a "used condom" just because they enjoy sex.

[AloneAt21]

Thanks for the replies. It's interesting to read the different responses. I'm glad others feel similarly.

 

@Natasha24:

 

It's different if the 2 men she was with were long term partners. It's understandable then that she's obviously slept with them. I was more talking about girls that sleep with guys just because they like the look of them. And yes, I think this is different for men and women mainly because women are nearly always able to just sleep with someone, whereas a guy usually has to make a large effort, meaning the women "let" the guys do it. I know this is stereotyping but it's also mainly true.

 

And the first girl I slept with, I was with for 3 years until she broke my heart and I was forced to move on.

 

The second is the girl I am currently with, but things have taken a turn for the worse lately, and so the fear is instilled in me that I might have to "give her away". She's so sweet and innocent, it actually makes me shiver with fear and nausea thinking about it. It's also due to the thought of having to move on to someone else myself.

[Fudgie]

You really have some weird, out-dated perceptions of women and sex.

 

Like you, I never had sex unless I was in a LTR with the man. I've had 3 partners, including my current boyfriend. I'd be beyond hurt if I felt he looked at me like a used condom because of my past experience. It's time to get rid of this old ideas. It will really hold you back and make it hard for you to be successful with a relationship, because you're constantly thinking about "OH GOD THERE WAS ANOTHER MAN IN THERE." Well, guess what. Your penis has been somewhere else too and that's probably disgusting for her to think about too.

 

You seem to have this weird possession thing. 'I might have to "give her away"'. What? Partners are not possessions. You make it sound like a girlfriend is a rotating blow-up doll, and now it's your "turn" with it, and you're reluctant to "give it away" when things don't seem to be working out. Please work on that. This is not healthy for you.

[Natasha24]

So if you have to work for sex, it's okay to have it whenever you want, but if it's easy for you to get, you shouldn't have it and shouldn't enjoy it?

What about ugly girls, are they allowed to have sex because it's hard for them to get?

 

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for here. Like Fudgie said, this is a very outdated view, as well as hypocritical and sexist. I think you should work on this. Most women would be incredibly offended if they heard you say these things.

[AloneAt21]

@ Fudgie

 

Yeah I know it's a bad way to think about it. I just can't help it. It's a phobia I have. I'm the same with actual posessions. I hate people touching my stuff and can never bring myself to sell or give things away. By give her away, in my head when I leave someone I'm basically saying "OK GUYS, IT'S YOUR TURN". And I find it so hard to leave anyone because of it.

 

 

@ Natasha

 

I know it's outdated and I don't know where this view came from or why I have it. My parents weren't strict or anything and were very open and laid back when it came to the topic of sex. I think now after telling people (I've never told anyone about this) it seems it may be linked to a psychological fear of loss I have.