Tearsbegone Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I know everyone is all about NC, but I am curious has anyone ever stayed friends with an ex after a breakup and maintained a good friendship while they dated, or even got into a relationship and then ended up getting back together? I'm not asking this for myself, I have read a lot about it happening on the web and was curious what you guys thought. Thanks
dasilver Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 My co-worker is getting married next week Saturday. Her and her Fiance broke up for a year but remained in contact throughout. They were friends as well as lovers.. ...but there reasons for breaking up weren't incompatibility problems... commitment issues, lying or cheating. Her Mother didn't respect him and she couldn't tell her Mother to please start to. She has since learnt how to and they are back together and are getting married next week. They remained in contact for 1 year before getting back together.
Shake Spear Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 NC is about healing and moving on, i really don't think NC in itself is that effective for getting someone back. My theory is that you can't get someone back unless you have healed from the break-up. If you desperatley want them back, you will act desperate and only drive them further away. If they change their mind right away, and come back while the dumpee still is in the "healing" phase, neither of them have properly dealt with their emotions nor the problems that caused the break up in the first place. From experience and reading here, those kind of second chances rarley lasts very long. The most important thing in the NC phase is your attitude and mindset, read biogirls "Ride along with me" thread, i think she displays a very good example of a healthy post-BU mindset and attitude. When it comes to getting someone back by "being friends" i don't think there is any right or wrong answer. If you stick around as a "friend" and show interest towards the dumper, they might view you as a sure thing and pursue other relationships because they know they can always come back to you. On the other hand, being around them might just awaken old feelings
jumper11 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 If you stick around as a "friend" and show interest towards the dumper, they might view you as a sure thing and pursue other relationships because they know they can always come back to you. This happened to me. They know you're 'there' so they go do their thing...literally. I got blindsided slightly because I was told we were working on things.. I also believe NC isn't for getting someone back. It always gets my ex back but that just reminds me that I shouldn't need to fall off the face of the earth for a man to want me again. I highly DO NOT recommend staying friends with hopes of reconciliation....at all.
incomingfire Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I second that, NC is not an effective "get back" tool. LC is the best way to get them back IF they are throwing the slightest signals your way. Friends, hmmmm, I stayed friends with an ex. We never got back together, but we had sex a few times afterwards - I REALLY REALLY wanted her back, but now we are VERY good friends. I am in love madly with someone else now, she broke up with me, but I refused to be friends but kept communications lines open. She caved in and wanted to sleep with me about a month later......then I made it clear I would walk away if we weren't exclusive......again she jumped on that so that I didn't walk away. Now we'll see what happens.
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 We stayed friendly acquaintances, emailing a few times a year and we saw each other one time before reconnecting almost 8 years after we broke up. I don't think it had much to do with our sporadic emails. In the 6 months prior to our reconnecting we had emailed a bit more because one of my family members who he had known passed away. We never spoke of anyone we were dating but I knew when he was in a relationship because of our mutual friends.
tallydoo Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 What I just stumbled on (and had to do) is somewhere in between NC and being friends. It's being friendly, but not friends (I've been spewing it all over the forums lately, so sorry if it's getting repetitive), and it may be working--we'll see (gosh, that sounds so manipulative). But basically what I did was went NC for a while--didn't see him, talk to him, text him, anything--to get my head on straight and start healing, and then I reopened communication a few weeks ago. We're not friends, per se--I don't know anything about his life, and he knows very little about mine, all conversations have been very brief and polite, but we've hung out in groups. And now he's starting to reach out with some things that are making me scratch my head and think, "Hmm...maybe?" I'd say it's a safer way to go than either NC or friends--if you're friends, you show your cards by pulling away when they start dating someone new (this way you get to maintain that dignity), and if you're NC they may never feel safe reaching out if they want to.
Tearsbegone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 My co-worker is getting married next week Saturday. Her and her Fiance broke up for a year but remained in contact throughout. They were friends as well as lovers.. ...but there reasons for breaking up weren't incompatibility problems... commitment issues, lying or cheating. Her Mother didn't respect him and she couldn't tell her Mother to please start to. She has since learnt how to and they are back together and are getting married next week. They remained in contact for 1 year before getting back together. So basically the breakup was because of the mother? I take it neither had relationships with other people during those times.
Tearsbegone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 maybe distant friends. It could work. How distant? I have read that many times by being there and showing them what fun you have can rekindle memories of love and eventually bring the ex back. I guess this would not work if the ex were in another relationship or dating however.
Tearsbegone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 We stayed friendly acquaintances, emailing a few times a year and we saw each other one time before reconnecting almost 8 years after we broke up. I don't think it had much to do with our sporadic emails. In the 6 months prior to our reconnecting we had emailed a bit more because one of my family members who he had known passed away. We never spoke of anyone we were dating but I knew when he was in a relationship because of our mutual friends. Sounds like you weren't close friends. I'm sorry for your loss.
Tearsbegone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Interesting. I'd love to hear more. I assume this wouldn't apply to someone who is seeing someone or in a relationship.
tallydoo Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Interesting. I'd love to hear more. I assume this wouldn't apply to someone who is seeing someone or in a relationship. Actually, my ex was seeing someone when I started NC. I decided that I didn't want to be around to watch him date someone else, and he was pushing for more emotional intimacy than I could handle--I was trying to heal, and him trying to confide in me wasn't allowing me to do that. So I asked him to leave me alone for a while--he understood and didn't talk to me until I was ready, and even then it was just through a brief text. The first few times I saw him in person, too, I was hosting or helping host parties, which meant that I was too busy to get sucked into a long conversation, more than just updating him on how I was, etc., as much as I wanted to. That's what I mean by being friendly, but not friends. He's no longer seeing the other girl, and he's reaching out with what seems to me like effort above and beyond that of a normal friend.
Tearsbegone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Good for you. I'm at the place where he thinks he is in love with someone he has known for 2 days (we were together 10 years) and we have always been best friends. I expected him to date, but now he is exclusive with this girl (she's really a bad person, I'm not just saying that and 10 yrs younger). I'm kinda shocked how he gets out of something so serious, doesn't mourn it, and in two months finds the love of his life. Who could be that lucky? Right now I can't figure out if I should stick around as a friend or not. I also fear I'm never going to get a chance with him again (oddly we'd make a much better couple now and never had issues- he just fell out of love). I've never done NC but doubt he'd notice as he is obsessed in a teenage kind of way with this girl. I really hurt and can't do much of anything, no support. We were engaged- this is the one. And I can't believe this is really happening.
tallydoo Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Pene, dear, I've been reading your other threads too. You need to disappear from his life for a while. He's treating you like garbage. If you are ever going to get back together with this guy and have a good and healthy relationship, he has to respect you and you have to respect yourself. So don't enable him. Don't let him come back to you and say "Oh, let's be friends and let me tell you about this new girl I'm with" because you're just letting him double-check that he did the right thing breaking up with you. You've seen the "Rebound Relationships and Reverse Psychology" thread; it's true, rebounds do work out better when the dumpees are around as much as you are. And why do you want to be around him if he doesn't respect you and your need to heal? That's him trying to assuage his guilt and feel like he made the right decision. That's selfish, not friendship. If he truly cared about you, he'd let you heal. It's been ten years. He's not going to forget you, I promise. He's going to ignore your memory for a while. But once you disappear and that memory is all he has, it's going to creep back at some point. At that point, he might reach out again. But it is very, very important that you make no contact with him until and unless 1) you're healed from the relationship and 2) he's got his act together (no more sowing his wild oats or whatever he's doing). His new relationship may be utter bullcrap, and he may come around later; but there's no way you can know at this point, and there's no way you can convince him of it. If this works out, then he wasn't the one, and that's something you need to realize.
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Sounds like you weren't close friends. I'm sorry for your loss. No we weren't. I'm positive that if we had tried to be we wouldn't have gotten back together or been married.
dasilver Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 So basically the breakup was because of the mother? I take it neither had relationships with other people during those times. Yes! the break up was because of her Mother. I never asked her though if during their 1 year apart if they dated other people. I just know they remained in contact pretty much every other day.
Tearsbegone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 He actually doesn't want to speak about the girl, I'm the one that pushes for the details which upsets him. He says if I can't be his friend he totally understands- he is not making me do it, he would understand if I need to heal. Thank you for your advice. I agree.
Tearsbegone Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 He's flipped again- from being friends and not wanting a relationship- he is now with her in a relationship. Is this a rebound? He wants to stay friends. I dont see how anything I do at this point- staying friend or not will have any affect on any future outcome. No matter what I do, I don't see how it could possibly chance the outcome of my chances in the future.
seoulmate Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Pene.. You started this post with "I'm not asking this for myself.." So, you ARE asking this for yourself. Every person who replies to your posts (for weeks) now deals with the same questions you ask over and over and over. Tell me...what do you want me to say? Really. What do you want to hear? Because, no matter what we tell you you will just ask the same question(s) over and over. Your ex left you. Does it matter if it's a rebound? He's not with you. He doesn't want you. So what if it's a rebound. Maybe he rebounds 5 more times. Rebounds don't lead to reconciliation. They are just his way of dealing with his emotions. You don't want to be his friend to be his friend. You ONLY want to be his friend cuz you think it may lead to reconciliation. If you just wanted to be his friend for freindship sake (like the rest of the world deals with friendships) you wouldn't be posting in on this forum. Until you start facing reality you are going to just keep repeating yourself. And one day you'll wake up and wonder where you are and what happened to your life.
Tearsbegone Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Sorry to be so redundant. I guess now that's things are "official" it's different as to if I should be his friend or not from before. That's why I asked. I'll stop posting.
seoulmate Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Sorry to be so redundant. I guess now that's things are "official" it's different as to if I should be his friend or not from before. That's why I asked. I'll stop posting. Do you ever expect something from your other friends? Do you think...I'll only be their friend if...? No. We don't do that. So, when you keep (and have kept) saying that you are willing to be friends. Well, that is not being true to yourself or anyone else. In a way, it is you being selfish with your feelings. He doesn't want you. But, you want him as a friend only if... (fill in the blank). Even when you wonder if NC or some contact will get him back. That is just ignoring the situation. And, what's worse is you have delayed (and lost) time in your life playing the game along with him. I'm not going to psychoanalyze here...I just know that you are not doing what is best for you right now. And the "I'll stop posting." sentence....please stop the "feel sorry for me" tactics with us, as well.
dasilver Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 And the "I'll stop posting." sentence....please stop the "feel sorry for me" tactics with us, as well. ^^^^^....hmmmm...I thought we were here to give our advice and opinions and also to give folks a shoulder to cry on. Your last sentence was a little harsh. I feel sorry for people going through break-ups. They hurt..and badly too. People have killed themselves because of a broken heart. Some people just aren't as strong as others. (((hugs))) to you Pene...
Shake Spear Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 In my opinion, assuming you want to win someone back, you must find a good balance between NC and "friends". If you vanish completely they might miss you and they have to face life without you, so if they come back, its based only on their own wishes. One the other hand, if you are their "friend", you can influence their decision, but they might view you as "just a friend", also they might view you as a "sure thing", someone to fall back on, and you end up as a safety net. A girl i went to class with had this type of "ex but friend". Everyone could see he was head over heels in love with her, but she was with a new guy. He would follow her everywhere, buy her stuff and just about do a.nything for her. Needless to say, this kind of approach did not work. My point is: Be available, but not too available. And stop putting them atop a pedestal
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