My G/F is friends with her rapist. What do I do?

[JohnDoe1996]

I just wanted to write and ask how I can best support my lover with emetophobia. She is currently seeing a therapist and desperately wants to be rid of her anxiety. We haven't been together long, but I do my best to support her, understand her phobia and understand the restrictions it places on our relationship. Here's the thing, I genuinely love her, but I feel as though the years of failed relationships and complications stemming from her emetophobia are making it difficult for me to handle. For instance, she has been very insecure about my motives as to why I care so much, often saying in intimate moments this is too good to be true, and at other times attacking me about my ex. This has manifested on several occasions, from her making accusations about me being a liar, to her saying that I treat her like her she's a science experiment, and most recently invading my personal privacy to 'see what my past relationship was like' to look for evidence that I am not sincere in my feelings. I've tried everything to show her that I am for real by talking about a future together, talking about my hopes and dreams, my trials and tribulations, being there for her at all times, spending time with her family, making her my #1 priority, and throwing myself into understanding her phobia.

 

On more than one occasion she has told me that if I don't like the way she treats me that I know where the door is and this hurts me immensely. To top this off I have never been on a date with her, except the one time we tried to go to boston before I knew about her anxiety and she freaked out and we went home. Other than that and the occasional errand we are exclusively in her basement and whenever I ask to do something or make plans, I exclusively get told she doesn't feel well, she's anxious, or we'll see how she's feeling to soon be told on the day in question the latter two answers. Couple this with the fact that she warns me every time I come over she may have to ask me to leave and the time's that she has gone out, its been without me and on a couple occasions with her girlfriends and their hubbys to local bars. When she does this and we never go anywhere it makes me feel like she's not willing to sacrifice let alone sympathize with how much this emasculates me. Yet when I bring it up she yells at me telling me that I'm trying to control her, that she's allowed to have alone time with her friends, that she can't spend every moment with me, and I make her feel like **** for not being able to. These arguments often end with her once again telling me to deal with it, telling me I know where the door is, telling me she has her own problems to deal with, and most recently that I won't like her when she's anxiety free and that when she's out a the bar, for those few hours she feels like she's free. She doesn't seem to understand that I like to have fun too, go out, do things, but I am willing to sacrfice my time to make her feel comfortable and help her through her anxieties. I mean, I met her at a bar! I was very attracted to her then too and all I want is to go out to for a few hours... I don't care if we go grocery shopping,do laundry, go see a movie, go to my house, or anything.

 

Communication with her is very difficult.

 

But in the past week she has grown tired of me and we have fought a ton over one of her 'friends' that habitually manipulates her, comes between our relationship by causing fights, threatens me with physical violence, sexually harasses her by asking for photos and massages, goes out of his way to drive by her house, comes over uninvited, and has used her emetophobia to cause a panic attack because he knew she was with me and anxious at being out of a safe zone. I fear for her safety because he is an overwhelming in his presence in her life, but she uses his attention as a coping mechanism, and readily admits he adds to her anxiety. But even though he has done all of the above things, I did my best to be understanding of the role he played in her life and respected their relationship, but she constantly complained about him, and the anxiety he caused her. He served as her full time emetophobia distraction.

 

All of these issues, among others, have coalesced into a lot of relationship trouble when she told me that they dated for a month back in November and it ended when he found out her ovulation day, basically raped her, thereby knocking her up, and played a huge role in driving her to attempted suicide as well as months of depression and house arrest. When I heard this I was furious and it too everything I had to restrain myself from calling the police. But when he he wouldn't stop texting her when we were talking about what happened I lost control. I took her phone, told him off, told him that she doesn't want to talk to him, and he needs to take a hint. In the process I brow beat her into confronting him about everything that happened. They said their goodbyes but the next day they started talking again and I got the most angry I have ever been with her giving her a choice of me or him. She has blocked him, but ever since it has turned into a series of huge fight that have being going on until today.

 

These fights, coupled with the insecurities it's manifested in me, along with her passive aggressive and hurtful words in regards to my motives/intentions for being with her is jeopardizing our relationship.

 

Since then, she has gone back to him and told me to deal with it. She has distanced herself from me and told me that she is questioning our relationship over my insecurities. This kills me inside because I work so hard to understand her issues. Her relationship with this kid is the only time I've put my foot down and that's only because of what he's done to her. Yet how am I suppose to respond? Let her walk all over me and befriend her rapist once again? .

 

I feel bad that I forced her into ending it, I know he played a important role in as one of her coping mechanisms, but how am I suppose to handle this as a man or a lover?

 

I'm hurt that she has taken every single thing I have done for her and turned me into the manipulative bad guy over this kid who raped her.

 

At this point in time, she has told me she needs time to think, and we haven't talked. We've just traded distant text messages.

 

What should I do, I don't want to walk away, but how much more can I apologize? How much more drama perpetuated be her anxiety am I supposed to put up with?

 

I know we should have done it the way her therapist wanted, gradually, and I am sorry because of it. But what now? How much of this emetophobia? How much of this is me?

[Natasha24]

If he raped her, he should be in jail.

Are you sure she is telling the whole truth? Did she just have sex with him and regret it later? Why hasn't she gone to the police? He could easily do this to another woman. She needs to put him in jail.

[DN]

Of course you should walk away. This woman is not in a fit state to be in a relationship and you cannot help her.

[OptomisticGirl]

If he raped her, he should be in jail.

Are you sure she is telling the whole truth? Did she just have sex with him and regret it later? Why hasn't she gone to the police? He could easily do this to another woman. She needs to put him in jail.

 

Sadly it's not always that cut and dry. Not all rapists get put in jail, and not all rape survivors have the option of not having a relationship with their attacker. Even for those who do have an option, almost all attacks are done by someone you know - not always cut and dry when it comes to the emotional reaction of that situation. Not all rapes are reported (most are not) and if she hasn't reported him before now I doubt pushing her to report him is going to do any good.

[sodizzy]

This woman is not fit for much of anything. You can find a happy healthy relationship. She thrives on Drama. Who stays friends with their rapist? Too many drama, agony, misery here - time to move on. I'm sorry.

[JohnDoe1996]

He purposefully held her down and came inside of her.

[JohnDoe1996]

This woman is not fit for much of anything. You can find a happy healthy relationship. She thrives on Drama. Who stays friends with their rapist? Too many drama, agony, misery here - time to move on. I'm sorry.

 

She broke it off with him and he somehow came back into her life 3 months later. This was all before we met.

[camus154]

She's a complete nut job and I question you for being with her.

 

Sorry, but someone with a healthy mentality would not for a second choose to be around this kind of crap. So why on earth are you with her?

[chrisn]

Why waste this much time and energy on her? she means a lot to you I get that but how much do you really mean to her? You will be miserable with this relationship before long.

[happyfrank]

They were dating when he raped her? Something doesn't sound right. I think she is full of lies. Why was she on house arrest? IMO. I think she was crazy about the other guy and he doesn't want her. Move on. None of this is your fault.

[JohnDoe1996]

She's a complete nut job and I question you for being with her.

 

Sorry, but someone with a healthy mentality would not for a second choose to be around this kind of crap. So why on earth are you with her?

 

I'm a 22 year old male, with a bachelors, and a tour in Iraq. To me, her anxiety issues are workable and I believe with time and patience it can be overcome. She's a beautiful person and I know I could build a life with her if she weren't trapped by her disorder.

 

Personally, I'm a very strong and understanding person. My mother is a clinicaly depressed and bipolar, she makes my home life a living hell. Because of this, I had a lot of hardships in my early teens, and was forced to grow up young. This mentality makes me very motivated and type A. I am extremely confident. I'm a infantry officer in the USMC.

[JohnDoe1996]

They were dating when he raped her? Something doesn't sound right. I think she is full of lies. Why was she on house arrest? IMO. I think she was crazy about the other guy and he doesn't want her. Move on. None of this is your fault.

 

He purposefully tried to impregnate her. She tried to get off but he held her down and came inside of her. The next two weeks he bought her pregnancy tests every three days and when she lost it two weeks after the fact he was crushed. He took advantage of her shortly after her best friend died in a car accident and these events would eventually drive her to attempt suicide.

 

Because her anxiety causes her constant terror because she's afraid of her own body, she uses him as a coping mechanism because he is obsessed with her.

[camus154]

I'm a 22 year old male, with a bachelors, and a tour in Iraq. To me, her anxiety issues are workable and I believe with time and patience it can be overcome. She's a beautiful person and I know I could build a life with her if she weren't trapped by her disorder.

 

Personally, I'm a very strong and understanding person. My mother is a clinicaly depressed and bipolar, she makes my home life a living hell. Because of this, I had a lot of hardships in my early teens, and was forced to grow up young. This mentality makes me very motivated and type A. I am extremely confident.

 

Ok, great. So what advice are you looking for again?

[JohnDoe1996]

Ok, great. So what advice are you looking for again?

 

I can handle her anxiety issues. What I can't handle is this ****ing ******* manipulating her and essentially stalking her. When I made her break it off with him, she resented me for it and I don't know how to handle the repercussions.

[happyfrank]

He purposefully tried to impregnate her. She tried to get off but he held her down and came inside of her. The next two weeks he bought her pregnancy tests every three days and when she lost it two weeks after the fact he was crushed. He took advantage of her shortly after her best friend died in a car accident and these events would eventually drive her to attempt suicide.

 

Because her anxiety causes her constant terror because she's afraid of her own body, she uses him as a coping mechanism because he is obsessed with her.

 

So they were having unprotected sex he just finished inside her? He didn't force her to have sex right?

 

She could of taken morning-after pill if she was really raped before before egg can develop. I think she is pulling fast one on you.

[becomingkate]

She is ALLOWING all of that to go on, and manipulating you as well. Even though you were raised in dysfunction, it doesn't mean that your WHOLE LIFE needs to be that way.

 

Hopefully, you move on so that you can meet the nice girl that you deserve.

[JohnDoe1996]

So they were having unprotected sex he just finished inside her? He didn't force her to have sex right?

 

She could of taken morning-after pill if she was really raped before before egg can develop. I think she is pulling fast one on you.

 

She is afraid of the morning after pill because it has a side effect of nausea.

[camus154]

Since then, she has gone back to him and told me to deal with it. She has distanced herself from me and told me that she is questioning our relationship over my insecurities. This kills me inside because I work so hard to understand her issues. Her relationship with this kid is the only time I've put my foot down and that's only because of what he's done to her. Yet how am I suppose to respond? Let her walk all over me and befriend her rapist once again? .

 

This is how you respond: you walk away.

 

You want to play hero and make it all better for her and you keep deluding yourself into thinking the only problem here is this other guy, not your wonderful little snowflake who didn't want to break things off with him in the first place. So she treats you like crap and you keep telling yourself, "no, really, she's fine. It's HIM that's the problem."

 

She is walking all over you and I suspect she will continue to do so.

[Furbys]

You cannot help her. Either accept she wants to remain friends with this guy or leave. She has given you the opportunity to leave many times, i think shes trying to hint that you should leave her.

 

It doesnt matter how much 'experience' you have with people who have mental illnesses etc you cannot understand them more or cure them. Leave her, it will not work or carry on with her and be miserable.

[lavenderdove]

OK, so much of what i am reading here just doesn't ring true... i suspect this woman is a pathological liar to get attention and control those around her.

 

all these stories about rape etc. are extremely divergent from what rape victims report. Most of them will do anything on the planet to avoid their rapist and forget about it rather than doing all the things she is doing here. All of her stories are very dramatic, but don't make sense. They appear as if they are made up to elicit sympathy and support from you, and to control you.

 

i wouldn't believe a thing she says without corrobative evidence from neutral parties. So much of what she tells you could be explained very easily if what is going on here is she is dating multiple people at once and trying to keep you away from each other and all paying attention to her and from finding out the truth that she is actually sleeping another guy while telling you outrageous stories to enjoy playing her game.

 

And she is afraid of a little nausea from a morning after pill but not afraid of pregnancy and how bad that make you feel? Come on, that really stretches credibility. And she probably doesn't want to be seen out with you anywhere because her other boyfriends might find out.

 

I think this girl is just a train wreck and potentially a sociopath who enjoys manipulating people for attention and sympathy. Anyone who keeps turning the tables and tell you you should trust her when she is telling outrageous stories like this is most likely lying thru her teeth and trying to bully you into not checking out her stories or discovering what she's really about!

 

Run, dont' walk away from this woman. You want a normal GF and an normal life and there is a really good chance this girl is a pathological liar at best and with serious mental issues thrown in there. You need a GF, not a basket case who runs around with other men and lies about it.

[lavenderdove]

>>My mother is a clinicaly depressed and bipolar, she makes my home life a living hell.

 

And this is another red flag... you are trying to 'rescue' this woman in the way you probaby wanted to rescue your own mother as a child. A VERY unhealthy situation for you, and could make you easy prey for a sociopath who lies to get attention and manipulate people. She's probably 'read' who you are and what you're about and knows your history and plays it to the hilt.

 

Please dont' fall for this... you deserve a normal healthy life with a normal girl and don't need to fall into the path of a sociopath who uses and manipulates you with lies and dramatic staged crisis and situations such as this woman talks about.

[Purusha]

I would strongly advise you to ask yourself why you want to be there so badly - do you believe you can fix her, make things better, be a counsellor? If you have been in that situation with your mother's mental illness you may be recreating a situation where you are the care taker, that you believe that when you care for someone you have to be there for them no matter what it costs you. Adopting these kind of beliefs consciously or unconsciously will cost you dearly too if you're not careful.

 

When you put others before yourself all the time with not much to show for it in return you diminish yourself - it should be an equal transaction, and hopefully one based on love, kindness and understanding. It shouldn't be a constant struggle to make someone 'ok'.

 

You don't need to be fortified like some sort of castle in order to have a relationship (that's what it sounds like when you talk about how strong you are) - it shouldn't be about how much you can take !

 

I think it's a given to everybody who's read your post that this lady needs serious help, and that you should not be in a relationship with her. I think it's also an opportunity for you to look at your own history and question your own motives. It would be valuable to do this if you want to have a healthy relationship.

 

Why don't you try taking some time away and getting some perspective? I know you could use this other guy as a reason for not doing that, however you have to acknowledge that you can't control what she does and she has taken no steps to get this guy away from her, which would suggest that she does want to.

 

Good luck, sounds like you need it right now.

[dunfalma]

I'm a 22 year old male, with a bachelors, and a tour in Iraq. To me, her anxiety issues are workable and I believe with time and patience it can be overcome. She's a beautiful person and I know I could build a life with her if she weren't trapped by her disorder.

 

Personally, I'm a very strong and understanding person. My mother is a clinicaly depressed and bipolar, she makes my home life a living hell. Because of this, I had a lot of hardships in my early teens, and was forced to grow up young. This mentality makes me very motivated and type A. I am extremely confident. I'm a infantry officer in the USMC.

 

None of these accomplishments preclude you from being naive and deluded about her, which is what is happening here...

[annie24]

I agree with all those who say she is not fit to be in a relationship and needs a lot of counseling before she will be ready. Time to move on.

[PhilliesFan001]

I have to agree with those who say that she needs professional help and isn't in the right state for a relationship. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I think for both your sakes, you need to walk away for now.

 

I have to also add, ignore posts in this thread about what "most rape victims do" or "what a victim should do/looks like." It's all BS and the perpetuation of certain myths just leads to fewer genuine victims being believed or finding the help they need. The fact that she's remained a friend with her attacker is not as uncommon as everyone seems to think. It's, as always, a very complicated situation that most people don't have the proper experience to understand.

 

That being said, it being more common doesn't mean it's healthy, and I think you need to walk away.