not talking about the future, is this a red flag?

[element11]

Hello, i'd just like some thoughts on my situsation. My boyfriend and i have been together 12 months this month. I am 28 and he is 30. I have 3 children from my previous relationship and he has two from his previous relationship. He has his kids every second weekend and mine see their father every four weeks (he is 3 hours away)

 

He works full time and i work part time. He stays at my place 4 or 5 nights a week. His place is 40 minutes away and his work is in the middle of us so it works well.

 

Now he has told me that he has a very big fear of the next step (ie moving in together) although he wants to start thinking about it.

Occasionaly at night when we are cuddling up in bed i ask him things about our future and every time this has got him upset as he does not feel ready to talk about it yet. He said he wants all those things but at this point doesnt want to talk about it as it does scare him.

I find this hurtful, i mean i understand its a lot to think about considering we both have kids, but i feel like even though he is amazing in every other way this one issue upsets me. He believes that i want to hear him say 'forever'. This is not true as i dont even know if i believe in 'forever'.

 

I just feel like our relationship is missing that 'planning a future together' aspect....like its almost a taboo topic, and if he is so afraid to talk about it then does that mean he isnt that into this?

 

He drops my youngest son at childcare two mornings a week for me as i start work a bit earlier than him and the centre isnt open. He cooks me dinner, makes the bed, buys me flowers and is a wonderful boyfriend/partner. We get our kids together for sleepovers or play dates and we always have fun. I can support myself well financially and he is aware of this.

 

I haven't met his parents yet but he tells them all about me. He has suggested it a few times but our work schedules always clash (and his parents both work too)

 

I just dont know what is going on. If i ask about the future or where we are going he just says he wants to be with me and hopefully get to that stage with me but he isnt ready yet. Or he tells me i am over analysing things and that he is here because he wants to be.

 

He says he is scared but that i am the best things thats happened to him and that he is more scared of losing me.

 

So is this normal? After 12 months can we really not discuss the future yet? We've actually kown each other since 2009 as we used to work together. So am i worrying about nothing and should i leave the topic alone? We are really happy together otherwise but i've been hurt before and am wondering if this is a red flag. thanks

[notalady]

Given he also has kids I assume he is also divorced. It seems normal to be scared of commitment because of it.

 

If everything is great other than not wanting to talk about the future, I wouldn't say it's a red flag as he acts committed, just don't want to talk or think about it.

 

I would leave it alone if it was me and just enjoy the relationship, that is, if you think you will be ok with it staying this way for a long time as you don't know when he will be ready to talk about the future. As keep talking about it won't help, if anything it would only make him feel more pressured and want commitment even less.

 

If you decide it is acceptable for you, then I also recommend you tell him this openly, that even though you want commitment, you love him and just wants to be with him, so you are willing to give him as long as he needs and he can talk about it whenever he is ready. Hopefully one day he will get comfortable and committed enough to be happy with talking about it.

 

However if you think it's going to bother you on an ongoing basis, then maybe you need to rethink your options.