Depressed, worthless, sad, empty

[Ladytmt]

I've already posted my story in the breakup section. It has been a year and I cannot seem to get over being dumped by my ex who is now engaged to the girl he started courting while he was with me. Everybody tells me it wasn't my fault, cheaters have low self esteem,and I can do better but why can't I see this!?? I've known him since high school and we reconnected in 2009 and began a 1.5 year relationship which was only great for about 6 months before the arguing got really bad. When we argued he had to have the last word and win it no matter how below the belt he would hit with his words. He would always say the relationship was not working everytime we argued and instead of truly working on things it's like he was looking for a way out. if u love someone that's not right, let alone go and start an emotional affair with someone 7 years younger!!! I can't stop thinking well maybe he's changed his ways for her and I was terrible. I constantly beat myself and think what have I done to deserve this! When he dumped me he said he needed space and wasn't ready for a serious relationship! This was a year ago and now he's engaged. How did he change so fast!??? Counseling doesn't seem to be helping! I dont know what to do, but I want peace of mind! Please help! Somebody please respond!

[Slagar]

Hi Ladytmt, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a lot of pain right now. There are some things you can do to make it easier on yourself, and improve the situation. I'm going to try to provide some constructive criticism.

 

He would always say the relationship was not working everytime we argued and instead of truly working on things it's like he was looking for a way out. if u love someone that's not right,

 

I know you're hurting, but maybe that's how he actually felt about the situation?

 

Also, if he's always having to have the last word and "win the argument" as you put it, do you think that's really a healthy kind of relationship that you want to be in?

 

Sometimes two personalities don't work all that well together, despite whether you can work things out to make a relationship work or not.

 

I can't stop thinking well maybe he's changed his ways for her and I was terrible. I constantly beat myself and think what have I done to deserve this!

 

That's not going to help you. You're going through a lot of pain right now, and this kind of self-talk makes bad matters worse.

 

When he dumped me he said he needed space and wasn't ready for a serious relationship!

 

Who knows, maybe he did feel that way, until he met his fiance-to-be? Or maybe he was just trying to minimise the hurt he caused you, by saying something like that? Either way, it's in the past. Try not to judge him so harshly for it - he's a human being, and he was probably facing a whole torrent of difficult emotions during that time, too.

 

This was a year ago and now he's engaged. How did he change so fast!???

 

I'll admit, that seems like a short period of time. But I don't think that's anything you need to be concerned about. That's his choice, his decision, his life - and completely out of your control. Maybe he truly is happy - in which case you should try to be happy for him.

 

Counseling doesn't seem to be helping! I dont know what to do, but I want peace of mind! Please help! Somebody please respond!

 

You need to stop going over this hurt, and beating yourself up.

Grieve over the loss of what you and this guy shared. Set a deadline, go over old pictures, do whatever you need to do to let it out. But after you've grieved a little, you need to focus on self-compassion - that means no beating yourself up! Learn to be kind to yourself, and it won't hurt so much. You need to nourish, love and treat yourself with warmth and compassion right now if you want peace of mind and to feel better. Focus on those, and you'll also be well on your way towards acceptance.

This is also the perfect time to work on yourself and take a solid inventory of your own life, your own goals, and where you're heading. You never know what great things - or great guys - await you just around the corner.

 

Best of luck moving forward. You'll always have the memories you shared