Some advice please on how I'm getting on

[Stoof]

Hey all, just wanted to check in and get some advice on my healing and any tips on how to improve it.

 

Broke up with the ex 4 months ago, been NC for 1.5 months, this is after a 5 year relationship.

 

After all this time I still think of her pretty much constantly. The thought pattern has changed though from what I could have done differently to what is she doing now and will I ever see her again. I also think about how she couldn't possibly find someone who was willing to take as much as I was with a worry that she might find someone that she wouldn't demand as much of. I also secretly hope that somehow she will come back (dunno if that makes sense, but wanted to try and show how much of my thoughts are probably un healthy).

 

I find my own life and thoughts very negative. I have a house that we bought and decorated, redecorating is not something I can do financialy or even want to. While I don't sit and mope about it all day, I do get a lot of sad moments and have next to no good moments there.

 

My support network I have become unsure about. I have my mum, who I talk to a lot, but she keeps coming up with things like just try to think more positively or change your thinking, if I was capable of doing these things (and I've read a lot on the subject) I would. Sometimes I don't think she gets the idea that I just need to tell her the same thing again and her just listen. I have my brother, who is good, but wouldn't ring me up and ask me to go for a drink. I have to do all the leg work with him. I have 2 friends, one with a family and a new kid and the other who is just a very negative person. I don't want to complain about this support network, but I feel I could be in a better position.

 

I've been going to the gym for the last while which has been great. Other than that I don't really do much. My social life was completely eroded during the relationship and at the age of 28 I don't really know how to get one again.

 

Guess I see my future prospects as very limited. I hate my job, which was fine when I was doing it to make a life for us, but now what's the point? Going to try and look for a new job and take up a course in September. My current job has me very isolated, I basically work on a team on my own. It is possible for a whole day to pass without me talking to anyone both in work or when I get home.

 

So yeah I need to join groups or something, but with the gym (3 times a week) and a course (1 night a week), I am starting to become tight on time in my week. Plus I don't even know what groups I've like to join, I'm still so numb inside I don't know what I'd like.

 

To top it all off my granda is very sick in hospital at the moment, chances are we're only talking about so much time and even if he has a couple of years he wont be what he was. Worries me, that even with this, all I can think about is me and how sad I am.

 

Steve

[JA0371]

Four months out of a five year relationship is really not that much. You are still in mourning, so things will seem stagnant for a while. This is normal. Sounds like you are going through the motions and just existing. Again, very normal. Feel yur feelings and embrace the good days. Do some volunteer work. Even if it's once a month. It's easy to start feeling sorry for yourself hen the reality is, your life isn't that bad...even without your ex. You are still romanticizing her. As for your friends..when you see them, is she all you talk about! If so...try to curb that. Wearing friends and family out with that is unfair. Try to talk about other things...positive things.

 

Hope you feel better....

[Stoof]

With my friends I try not to talk about her. With my mum I would when I feel low. I do understand where I am is perfectly normal, but at the same time I really do believe she was my one chance at happiness. I wasn't happy before I met her (generaly due to my lack of a girlfriend) so what are the chances of me being happy now.

 

I'm 28 and have had one real love in my life and have only 2 friends, feels like I've kinda messed my one life up.

[Tom1990]

With your mom, maybe ask her to just listen? I had a friend that would constantly give me advice when I just needed a sympathetic ear. I eventually told her what I needed as a friend and she understood.

 

I totally understand the feeling of going back to a sad life. My life rather sucked before my ex. But now I look at it as an opportunity to create something new. Church, ballroom dance, martial arts, and occasionally taking myself out for dinner and a movie. It's amazing the connection you make with a movie when you see it alone (whether it's good or bad)!

[Stoof]

Hi Tom, the activities you have added to your life sound really positive. It's something like this I need to find but currently I still strugle to find anything that will hold my interest. The gym has been a good start for me, but it doesn't open up many opertunities for improving my social life, which is something I really want to do. Seems to me by my age everybody already has all the friends they need, I seem to be the only one with so few.