Living apart together, does it work?

[silly55]

I’m a 28 years old in a long term relationship for 7 years with a man 35 years old. We lived together for about 6 months after being almost 6 years together and it didn’t work out. We needed space and felt suffocated. It all became boring.

 

We’re very different personalities. I’m very lively and happy go lucky. He is moody and grumpy. I was annoying him being myself and I couldn’t stand him being mad for the little things. He is a bit of control freak. Not a jealous type since I do whatever I want. But things have to be his way or he gets mad in passive aggressive way and although he apologies after, I can’t just pretend like nothing happened. I try but I feel hurt.

 

We decided on my initiative not to live together since it became unbearable. We see each other few times a week. The circle repeats. It’s good for a day, the next day we have to split. We argue just a little. The soon as it starts, we’re on our way out.

 

It was my suggestion to live apart together but he is very satisfied with it too. I have second thoughts though. There is no other solution and I don’t regret my decision but I’m not completely happy with it. I wasn’t happy before too. I wonder when I look at other couples who are our age and married with kids and I ask myself what is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

 

I’m not sure if I want marriage or kids. He is sure he doesn’t want either. I can’t tell if I don’t want it because I like my freedom and I’m selfish and afraid of commitment. Or it’s because I’m not with the right person because deep down I have a feeling I would be an excellent mother and I just need some support from my partner about it. I don’t know if that’s the right ground to have family on. Or maybe I think I might want it just because I don’t have it.

 

I’m not old and still have time to figure it all out. Now I’m focusing on my carrier very much. I think I’m a bit scared of family life, and that it’s passing me by. I don’t know is it because I have unrealistic expectations on relationships and what is the right guy for me?

 

I'm flawed too and my bf is nice all together and that’s why I’m with him. His friends love him very much too. My friends love me too. But put that people together and that can’t work. It’s just another distance between us, not having mutual friends and things to do. Even sex is rarely on, obviously we see each other little.

 

I’m so used to being by myself and not having bf to rely on because most of the time he is not around, that I can’t picture myself having normal life or living together with anyone. I don’t know where is this going? My friend told me she doesn’t understand how do you need to take a rest from a person every few days for a few days if we love each other? I don’t get it either but that’s how we are and I don’t know what to do with us?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It really sounds to me like you and your boyfriend might be really mismatched and what is keeping the two of you together is habit and fear of starting the dating process all over again. You might very well be the type of person who is happier on your own rather than living with someone and having a family....but you won't know that for sure as long as you are in a very unsatisfying relationship.

[silly55]

Thank you for reading and replying.

 

We dated people before we met of course. It wasn’t serious too and neither of us ever really wanted a family. I’m having thoughts about it now probably because I’m reaching 30 and all my friends are married, some with kids. They judge me a little even they don’t say it at loud.

 

We could be so mismatched that in 7 years we went on a vacation only once. It was lousy and fun at the same time and I ended up getting back home alone because I couldn’t stand being next to him anymore.

So I don’t know what came into him when a few months ago he asked me to go with him all the way accross the country for a week. I had to refuse and he was hurt and neither way made us ok.

 

Or we could both be the types who are happier on our own but it is kind of nice to have someone who is like a friend with benefits all in all, but a real friend, it’s not just about sex.

 

I sometimes feel I deserve better but I’ve never met anyone who swept me of my feet. I’m not dragging him along until someone better turns out because he knows if I truly wanted more I would went out of this relationship any time. What is keeping me? I don’t think it’s a habit since we’re so independent that we get used to what? Being together more or less once a week?

 

We’re not scared of starting dating again. I’m allowed, so to speak, to date or see other people as long as we don’t get physical and if it stays platonic. It's like having friends of opposite sex whom you go on dates occasionally. We talked about being in a real open relationship, he said no.

 

Like all humans we both check out other attractive people but he does it in a way I clearly see him. He literary turns around after a girl when with me. That’s why I can’t stand being with him much outside the house. It’s ridiculous and immature and I’m not jealous, I just I hate being disrespected. I think he is trying to make me feel insecure since he knows I don't like it, although I don’t really care. The only thing I don't like about it is that I think it's about control.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This doesn`t at all sound like much of a relationship. I am not sure why both of you are still together when you both have trouble being in each other`s company, you both check out others and you both seem really unhappy with this current setup. Yes, you can both tell the world that you are coupled up..but if the coupling is miserable what is the point. As for your friends, nobody knows how happy they really are in their marriages. Like you they may be plodding along but not very satisfied. I know plenty of marriages which are miserable but the people stay together because they don`t want the aggravation of divorce and being single again.

[silly55]

It’s not about telling the world we are coupled up and it’s not about comparing. We don’t care about it. If you wish, we are both single on fb and aren’t friends. lol

 

I am curious why it seems he is playing games. He could say and act like he wants to get serious but he doesn’t. If he wanted, I could be able to give it a try and he knows it.

 

But he blows hot and cold and I react pretty much the same on it although I try to control myself because I know better and it seems he doesn’t. He is more confused and unsure about us than me. That’s fine but I’m not into testing.

 

For instance he calls me on a date on a dinner and makes it all romantic and then checks out the girl sitting on the table next to us. Does he want me or he wants me to break up with him or at least distance myself away?

 

We talked about our rules and boundaries in this relationship and I really dislike him disrespecting them and because of it I can’t really respect him back either. He probably has emotional intimacy issues but I’m not pressuring him into anything and I let him lead mostly. As I am comfortable with pretty much everything as long as I keep my dignity and self respect.

 

I wouldn’t go into if he’s bipolar or something at all. But there’s something both masochistic and sadistic in him. It’s bad for me since I like to keep it clear and simple. But happiness is something I need to find within myself and no relationship is perfect. We do have incredibly happy days but I’m not here to talk about how happy can we be. But to try to figure some things out and if there is anything I can do differently.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You find him masochistic and sadistic, he takes you out for dinner and then checks out other women. Not sure why you want to be with someone who treats you like that. I am not sure what you are really asking...yes, you can do things differently by dumping him for good..but clearly that is not what you want to do. You can twist yourself into a pretzel to change yourself, but the bottom line is that he disrespects you and you are accepting this behaviour from him.

[camus154]

^ Agreed.

 

Look, OP. You need a wake up call.

 

You're staying in a relationship that is not making you happy and that shows no signs of developing into anything further. So listen--it's your life. You can spend it doing as you wish. Do you want to continue to spend it like you have the last 7 years or not? It's really that simple.

[silly55]

I don’t want to be with anyone who treats me like that. Why is he disrespecting me when I’m being fair to him? Can I get him to respect me, how?

 

I’m staying with him because I like most parts of him, the good ones. If I’m not sure about the breakup, I don’t want to make a wrong final decision.

 

I’m accepting this relationship for now but I wish I could find a direction where I want to go. I wouldn’t be happier without him, he is my friend despite all.

[camus154]

This is your problem. You don't want to stay with him but you don't want to deal with the consequences of making the choice to leave....namely, not having him around any more.

 

Nothing is going to make that easier for you. You're living in lala land thinking there is some magical middle ground where all of a sudden he changes who he's been for the last 7 years and becomes everything you ever wanted.

 

Not gonna happen. What you see is what you get. So make a choice. You already are--to stay with him. Which is fine, but be very honest with yourself that you are making a choice.

[silly55]

I don’t wanna deal with losing him. Who wants to deal with a broken heart? I'm happy with that choice.

 

I know he won’t change. I do not expect that. I’m changing and searching myself.

 

I’m living in lala land thinking there is some magical thing or a human being, anything really that could help me find myself. I still hope and pray for it. I don’t know why I’m so messed up or how to fix it.

 

I'm sorry you're here confused by me. I'm completely lost.

[camus154]

The only thing I'm confused about is why people make decisions and then seek advice when they don't want to deal with the consequences of those decisions but they're unwilling to chose otherwise.

 

Ok, so you're choosing to stay. That's fine. Be happy with that decision. There's no need to second guess it or wonder about it or be miserable because that's your choice and you're not going to choose differently. So stand behind that choice and be happy with it.

[silly55]

People don't trust strangers giving them advices and the only thing they need is to be heard and someone to listen to them or see they're not alone. Sorry for being that selfish.

If I saw any smart advice except "dump him" as usual, I would take it.

 

I appreciate you're posts though. But I must be blind or something becuase I really don't understand what consequences are you talking about? I'm happy for making a choice to be unhappy? I'm trying to deal with it. Like I said I wasn't happy before I even met him, it has very little to do with him.

[abitbroken]

People don't trust strangers giving them advices and the only thing they need is to be heard and someone to listen to them or see they're not alone. Sorry for being that selfish.

If I saw any smart advice except "dump him" as usual, I would take it.

 

I appreciate you're posts though. But I must be blind or something becuase I really don't understand what consequences are you talking about? I'm happy for making a choice to be unhappy? I'm trying to deal with it. Like I said I wasn't happy before I even met him, it has very little to do with him.

 

If you guys don't really match and the solution is living together but apart or whatever, how is that a happy, productive relationship? You should want someone is is thrilled to be with you and you feel you emotionally and mentally connect with, not just put up with them, or they with you. You have seen for yourself that you don't work together. Do you really just want to date someone for the rest of your life - or do you want the chance for a relationship to naturally progress?

 

If it doesn't "work" for you guys in 7 years, what makes you think you are going to miraculously become compatible this year, that he is going to appreciate all your quirks instead of him being irritated, etc?

 

You stated that your boyfriend does not want to get married or have kids. You are unsure. I was with someone who was adamant about not wanting marriage and kids. And when I met him I was open to it, but was an age that I was not ready to think about it all - and definitely did not want that in the next couple of years because i was trying to figure myself out. I found that I adjusted my thinking and decided i didn't want either of those too, and I realize now I did that to keep him not even realizing it. when i hit 3 and had baby pangs, I sort of just didn't talk about it but had some feelings of regret. At 22, I thought I was "too independent". But now i met the right guy and look forward to marrying him at some point. My ex did eventually marry me after a decade but it was very short lived.

 

When my relationship with my ex ended, after some healing I was relieved that I had free choice now to decide whether i wanted marriage or kids, or not, FOR MYSELF not because I was trying to placate someone. I could choose yes, or no, or choose to wait and see who i met. I met my boyfriend and couldn't imagine not being married to him at some point.

 

I am not saying "oh, you have to have kids" but its hard when you are with someone for a long number of years and they are not open to where you both can discuss and decide and are very closed to the idea.

 

if you guys were two old hippies who didn't believe in marriage/want kids but were two peas in a pod, happy and proud to be together, I would say fine, but you guys aren't. You guys are not really a united couple it seems at all. If you want more than a date, that is all i am saying...

[silly55]

Thank you for sharing your experience abitbroken.

 

I think I’m addicted to dating. It’s fun, carefree and exciting. I wish to have a relationship that progresses but I don’t want it to be stale. Most married couples especially after kids come, rarely go out, not alone, not with friends. I want to have the lifestyle I have now for as long as I can.

 

I just want things to be good between us, to feel respected. That’s all. I don’t need him to be madly in love.

Like I said we have an agreement I can see whoever I choose but there wasn’t a single guy I met who I can see myself being with. I attract wrong kind of men, players.

 

My problem is I’m so empty I mirror partner’s choices. It’s better that I’m with this type of bf without kids than with someone who wanted me have them because either way it’s not my choice.

 

I know what I want to do with my carrier but relationship wise, I’m clueless. I think I’ve never really been in love. I’m not proud of this. I don’t know where I stand. I'm repeating myself but this is all I ever feel.