BuddahGrape Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 So I will say that I made the first cardinal mistake, and that is snooping in my Fiancée’s Facebook messages, which she did actually leave open. I would say that it was because I had to use her computer, etc. but let’s face it that would be lying…. So anyway, we have been together for over a year and are recently engaged. We have been very open and honest about our pasts and both realize that what happened in the past is over and cannot be changed. I knew that after she graduated from college she spent two months in Europe, this was approximately 5 years ago when she was 22. When I asked her about the trip she had explained that she went with a platonic friend, which was true, but that nothing else had happened. Well, that’s not the case, not at all… She had quite the steamy time with someone she met there and their conversations, through Facebook , even continued for about 6 months after they returned from their trip. Conversations about things they did, bought for each other, etc. Like I said, I know this is in the past, which I can’t change, but I guess what bothers me is that she lied about it. I know that everyone has skeletons in their closet and that 5 years is a long time for someone to mature but for some reason I feel betrayed that she wouldn’t tell me about this – why lie and say nothing happened? Am I overacting? I wish I knew why this is bothering me so much. Any words of wisdom to pass along - other than not to snoop, I know, that’s really crappy to do… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greatone99 Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Were you together at the time? If not, then she probably just doesn't want you to think less of her or not want her. Plus, if you weren't together, then it shouldn't matter to you. Facebook is the devil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charity Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 she must have felt that you would judge her for it. your post certainly comes accross as if you would rather the past didn't happen. what do you mean when you say 'the past is the past and cannot be changed'? did something bad happen in the past that you or her WISH you could change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capilot Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 she must have felt that you would judge her for it. Yeah, and apparently she was right. OP, you don't know that she lied. She said that nothing happened between her and her platonic friend, but maybe the guy she had the romance with was someone else. Maybe someone she met on her trip. If she's *still* seeing this person, or trading steamy letters, then you have a complaint, but you have no business complaining about something before she even met you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuddahGrape Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Yes, I agree that Facebook is the Devil... We weren't together, and what she did doesn't matter and doesn't make mne feel any different towards her - I can see why she did not provide a full disclosure about what she did - plus she really didn't have to. We actually met/started dating a year ago April and are now engaged. As far as something happening in the past that I or she wish we could change? Sure, there are always things in the past that we're not proud of, decisions made, paths we've taken that we wish we could change. We both recognize this and appreciate that, if anything, it helped us grow into the people we are today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuddahGrape Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Yeah, and apparently she was right. OP, you don't know that she lied. She said that nothing happened between her and her platonic friend, but maybe the guy she had the romance with was someone else. Maybe someone she met on her trip. If she's *still* seeing this person, or trading steamy letters, then you have a complaint, but you have no business complaining about something before she even met you. Nope, not judging her at all about it... I do, in a way, know htat she lied. She had mentioned that she met someone, this guy in particular, but said that nothing happened sexually between the two, when it actually did. The fact that they were together didn't/doesn't bother me as much as the fact that she was not forthcoming about it... Which I do suppose is her perogative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDuper Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 So she "maybe" hooked up with him 5 years ago, and you've been together one year? You're expecting her to disclose personal (past) information about her from 4 years ago??? She probably didn't tell you because she didn't want you 1) To over-react 2) To think less of her etc. Or perhaps she has a different perspective to it all, and it's sitting negatively in her mind and she simply didn't want to associate that memory with you, in any form. This isn't a major issue and I think you should completely drop it from your mind. My opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natasha24 Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Maybe she thought you would judge her. Maybe she thought you would think she's skanky for hooking up with a random guy. Maybe she didn't enjoy it and wants to forget about it. Maybe the memory of it makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to associate it with you. Maybe she's worried you would mention it again and it would make her uncomfortable. There could be a million reasons why she lied about it. The point is that it doesn't matter. It was before she even met you, she has no obligation to tell you about her sexual past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 If this happened 5 years ago and she is now engaged, why does she still have the Facebook messages around? Why has she never deleted them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuddahGrape Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Thanks for the responses... Yes, I know I have to let it go. This is a woman who I know truly loves me, and Lord knows I'm not a saint by any stretch of the imagination. I've done my share in the past - also some of which I have not openly divulged either. I guess it's just hard to think of this person who you love so very much with someone else... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 There's another possibility here and that's that she may just feel embarrassed about what happened and simply doesn't really want to talk about it or worried you would judge her badly for it. There are any number of reasons for that ranging from past experiences where she was belittled or shunned for things that happened to her with other people, embarrassment over the past relationship, the viewpoint that it's in the past and she's more interested in focusing on the here and now and future with you--the list is endless. Certainly as a woman I'll admit I've had a relationship or two that I have zero desire to share with anyone close to me largely due to factors that made the relationship painful or so wrong I wish they'd never have happened at all. If it was in the past and she doesn't have contact with this person any longer then you have nothing to worry about. Go enjoy your present and future together and let this lay where it belongs--long gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuddahGrape Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Agreed, well said... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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