Help! Need reassurance that the NC rule is actually a good idea...

[Jaimie]

Hi all,

 

My Ex ended things a month ago (3 year relationship). It was a sudden but amicable breakup; no one else involved. In the first two weeks after the break-up, we were still in contact; I made the usual mistake of trying to win her back, then we met up (torturous), and after that, I told her that we couldn't be in contact anymore. 10 days after that, she contacted me by text telling me she was thinking about me/I was always in her heart etc. I didn't respond to the text.

 

It's now 2 and a half weeks since NC began, and I feel as bad as ever. I miss her so much it hurts, and I'm not sure whether NC is the most productive thing to do. I can't help feeling like every day without contact we're disconnecting further, and it's making it easier for her to forget me/move on. I feel bad for ignoring her text, like I was being rude or something, and perhaps ignoring a nice, heartfelt message will make it easier for her to move on without me. We were great friends as well as lovers, and not being able to talk and hear her voice is so painful. I'm getting on with my life and trying to keep busy but inside, I'm just destroyed.

 

I'm also plagued by thoughts of her being intimate with someone else. The whole idea of it just sickens me, and it feels like the more I maintain NC, the more likely she will be to find someone else. As I'm sure many of you can relate, this is torture. I don't have negative feelings towards my ex; Yes, I want her back, but I'm so worried that by basically ignoring her I'm pushing her away forever.

 

In this situation, is NC absolutely the best way to go? Am I pushing her further away and helping her move on/lose her feelings for me...?

[whatchaupto25]

if you love her, and you felt like she loves you too, why not just try to work things out? Why waste of this thing called NC..

 

I think if one person does not love each other, they wont make a move or effort to communicate. It just that. close chapter.

 

Why punish your self and her by doing the nC?

[Jaimie]

She was very adamant about the break-up, and I tried everything to make her change her mind. We talked it to death, and she was steadfast. Major mistake, I know, but I couldn't help it. She's very stubborn, and when the walls come up, it's tough to break them down. I would love to work things out but she made it clear that it's not an option. Okay, it was in the midst of a very emotional situation, so she perhaps didn't have distance/objectivity, but she hasn't made any attempt to reconcile since, so she must still feel the same way.

[OneSadPuppy]

Jamie, I'm not certain what happened in this LTR that she felt it had to and and I've ran out of time this morning to review :s

 

However, she did end it.

Texts like "thinking of you" and "you'll always be in my heart" or "miss you" does not mean "lets talk".

Her text means just what it says.

She is just starting to question her decision.

By answering the text, you'll she'll know that you're still hanging on, waiting for her, there for her.

That will give her more strength to move on because a) she has a fall back, b) she made the right decision and is higher value.

You text her back, you distance her more from you!

 

When you get a text, "can we meet for coffee or something, I need to talk", then you might, might have something to work with.

For a three year relationship, I would say about 2 months NC will be her breaking point if she is ever to do so.

Might she find someone else? Maybe, but would you really want someone that can move on so quickly from you after so much time?

I know I wouldn't ever take my ex back after she went on POF after just one month. Done! Cemented! Not worthy!

 

You will only make things easier for her at this point and much more difficult for yourself (my perception).

That said, if you reached out one more time and got a door slammed in your face, perhaps you could let go. Tough question.

I didn't do this, for quite a while I wondered if I got that door slammed would I move on quicker.

Now, I don't think I would have. I would have just upset myself more.

Fact is, I eventually stopped missing her so much and realized that she maybe wasn't so good for me.

 

My vote is too stay NC for now. If you get a text with some real substance suggesting reconciliation, then decide. As it stands, you're not even getting bread crumbs now!

 

OSP

[Tom1990]

She most certainly was looking for validation when she texted you. If there was a chance of you two getting back together, you'd know it. Until then, read any contact from her as "Make me feel better so I can move on from you."

 

Is she dating anyone else? Possibly. And so should you! After a month of wallowing in my own self-pity, I got out and met someone new. Nothing romantic happened, but I was surprised at how easy it was to put my ex out of my mind for an evening. But in your own time, of course. Three years is a big hefty thing.

 

Be strong, good sir. It's okay to miss her, and it's normal to want to contact her. But every day you make it through, you rebuild your own integrity.

[RFB]

No Contact is not and never has been a tool to win the ex back. It's to help you heal and move on. A side product of No Contact may be that they miss you. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen.

 

She could change her mind today, tomorrow, next week, or next year. There is no set time where they do that so don't think that two months for a three year relationship is a magic number.

 

Most likely though she won't change her mind. When a long term relationship ends it's never out of the blue. Your partner has been thinking about ending it for quite some time now. So she's likely to remain firm in her descision. Best to move on with the idea she's not coming back and let the future take care of itself.

[GetOverItPlz]

Live every day like they wont come back.

 

That is the best advice I was given, and the best advice I can give in return. No one can predict what is going on in someone's mind and heart. As long as you did the right things for the relationship, you'll have a chance.

 

People forget the words, people forget the actions, but they'll always remember the way that a person made them feel.

 

My ex always told me (before and post breakup) that I made her feel more strength, more beautiful, more loved than anyone in her life ever.

 

She also told me that she has never been treated better than I treated her, and that I set the bar "impossibly high" for anyone else that comes into her life...

 

I, of course took these as signs she wanted me back. When I talked about this during lunch we had last week, I got shut down pretty hard, and had to tell her I'm done.

 

I treated her like a queen. And she acknowledged it moreso than even me.

 

I know she'll be back one day trying to weasel her way back into my life again. Because of how I made her FEEL.

 

Will I let her back in? No sir. But it'll be good to know the ball is back in my court.

 

And the point is? These little pleasantries are just that until there is something with substance. Until she can tell you she made a mistake, you just gotta move forward and assume that she doesn't feel that way.

[Jaimie]

Thanks OSP. Thankfully, I didn't respond to her text. I agree with you re the contacting her one more time - I don't think it would help me get over her quicker if she slammed the door again, so I'm not going to do that, even though I want to.

 

It's imagining her kissing/sleeping with some other guy that is the real killer. I try not to think about it but it's impossible. There's also the point that if she is intimate with someone else then there will never be any possibility of us getting back together. That's just me - I wouldn't be able to, especially if she hooked up with someone soon after we broke up. It's hard to explain, but that would give things a tragic finality that I wouldn't want to face.

[Jaimie]

She most certainly was looking for validation when she texted you. If there was a chance of you two getting back together, you'd know it. Until then, read any contact from her as "Make me feel better so I can move on from you."

 

Is she dating anyone else? Possibly. And so should you! After a month of wallowing in my own self-pity, I got out and met someone new. Nothing romantic happened, but I was surprised at how easy it was to put my ex out of my mind for an evening. But in your own time, of course. Three years is a big hefty thing.

 

Be strong, good sir. It's okay to miss her, and it's normal to want to contact her. But every day you make it through, you rebuild your own integrity.

 

Hi Tom. Thanks for your comments. I think you're right about the validation thing, which is sad. I have no desire whatsoever to date at the moment (!), I just couldn't face it.

[Jaimie]

No Contact is not and never has been a tool to win the ex back. It's to help you heal and move on. A side product of No Contact may be that they miss you. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen.

 

She could change her mind today, tomorrow, next week, or next year. There is no set time where they do that so don't think that two months for a three year relationship is a magic number.

 

Most likely though she won't change her mind. When a long term relationship ends it's never out of the blue. Your partner has been thinking about ending it for quite some time now. So she's likely to remain firm in her descision. Best to move on with the idea she's not coming back and let the future take care of itself.

 

You're right RFB - she'd had doubts about the relationship for a while, as did I, but I always had faith we'd make it through. She obviously didn't. It's so hard to just accept it's over, especially after everything we've been through. Same old story for everyone in this situation I guess.

[Jaimie]

That's good advice; tough to implement but good all the same. Like with you, I know I made her feel loved, secure, respected, encouraged, and she always used to tell me that. Hopefully she'll remember these feelings one day. If she came back, I would consider getting back together, as long as she hadn't been intimate with anyone in the meantime. Got to get used to the fact that's not going to happen though...