I'm scared about where my life is going, I can't seem to get myself together.

[SuddenSun]

I'm living away from home for the first time this summer and it hasn't been all that great so far.

 

For starters, on the first night of summer I got a call from the girl I was in a relationship with at the time. We had been in a relationship for maybe 6 months or so and she tells me its not going to work anymore. She left me for her and her brother's good friend who is going to die of liver cancer within a year or so. When I take a step outside myself I can understand completely. It was long distance and would be long distance for at least another two years. Also, we met online and through the whole thing I never told my parents about our relationship because I was ashamed of what my family or friends would think about that. In hindsight I really didn't deserve her but I can't help but miss her. It just makes me feel silly and ashamed for feeling this way, because we were physically apart much longer than we were together.

 

Its been almost two months since then and I feel like I should be over it but it still destroys me every day. I've never had a connection as strong as I had with her. She is one of the only people I truly felt like myself with. When she called and told me the news it was in the middle of a kind of house-warming party with my friends, who I'm living with. I was pretty drunk at that point and I acted very very poorly. I said awful, mean things that I won't forgive myself for. I did it I guess to try and bring her down to the level I was feeling after she told me that. I don't know how she could find it in her heart to forgive me but she did. That's what I always loved most about her, she didn't carry grudges, she took things as they came, and she's just a deep heart.

 

Sometime last week we had a talk over text and she said something like "we both made a mistake when we decided to try and have a relationship" and then it just kind of sunk in. She was exactly right, we knew how things would be with the distance and all but we tried anyway. For a day or so I felt kind of at peace with the situation but it didn't last long. Its just so hard when she was the only person that I could always rely on to be there when I wanted to talk or when something was bothering me. We could talk about whatever funny nonsense we were on about and then switch to heavier things like it was nothing. I just felt closer to her than anyone else. Then she tells me this weekend that she's not going to answer anymore if I text her, which is for the best but its just a loss that I'm having a lot of trouble coping with.

 

She tells me she still cares about me and will always miss me and love me and wonder how I'm doing. She says getting back together is still a possibility in the future and part of me wants that but another part of me would feel so incredibly ashamed to go back after what she did.

 

I'm living near my college campus (I'm 20) and working in an office on campus. I can never even bring myself to get into work on time. I've come in over an hour late on numerous occasions because I can't get moving in the morning. Luckily its a pretty relaxed environment at work so somehow nobody has said anything about it yet and I still have my job....but I just can't get myself together and I hate it. I keep meaning to set up appointments with my counselor but as the day goes on it just slips away. I start a day with plans on working out, reading, and just trying to live a balanced life but I can't get out of this rut. I don't have a car right now and I live in a pretty questionable area of the city so I can't really do much. I desperately want to meet new people because truthfully the friends I'm living with right now bore me and kind of offend me with their views.

 

I've just never felt so low and hopeless, and I don't want things to get worse. I've got to have bad depression or something. I've been on anxiety medication for two years now but I feel like the dose is too low because I haven't felt much different. I look at my life and it scares me, this isn't what I want for myself. Its not what I wanted for myself and I'm ashamed of myself.

[cupcake22]

I'm 24 with a college degree and unemployed.....I don't know where I'm going either. Don't feel alone.

[SuddenSun]

Yeah I hear ya. Its just hard. And I get so scared when I get to thinking about what will become of me.

 

I love music and its a huge part of my life, whether its making it or listening to it. But I read about some of my favorite musicians like Syd Barrett and Brian Wilson and it just scares me I don't wanna lose my mind like that.

[TalkThatTalk9]

hi there

 

I have been in your shoes a couple times, and I have felt very helpless. so I know your pain.

 

when I first decided to go off to college, I chose a college that was 40 minutes away from ANYONE I knew, and 3 hours away from my family and friends. I thought I'd be ok, but when I got there I went into complete panic mode.

 

I was so scared of rejection and what people thought of me, I threw myself into school work... I kept myself closed up in the dorm room. I cried every day wanting to be home again. and I developed a severe eating disorder (3 hours of exercise, on top of myself restricting calories, and throwing up whatever I ate. it was really, really bad... I lost 30 pounds in 2 months)

 

my roomate got so sick of me she requested a transfer to another dorm room and didn't even tell me. I felt so depressed and alone I didn't know what to do. I finally decided I couldn't live like that anymore, and I transfered to another campus. it was there I met the most amazing girls I have ever known. who are my friends to this day. my whole life started when I transferred. I found friends who I liked, I had a social life, I was enjoying my schooling. it saved my life, transferring. I realized it was the only thing I could do.

 

I have just recently broken up with my ex. It is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to deal with, and I lost my grampa to a horrible case of cancer, the breakup has been harder on me than that unfortnantly

 

At first, I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. I slept til mid day, woke up and sat on my computer crying most the day. I had no job, so I had to look for a job while I was going through all of this and believe me the motivation was not there. It took my mom to snap me out of the funk by telling me how bad I was getting.

 

I realized I had to better myself. I had to make a life for myself outside of my ex, which was really hard. I relied on him for alot.

 

I am 3 months into breakup, and now that I look back, my life was so much about him I lost myself.

 

your ex says one day you may be able to be together. here is what I think you should do...

 

you need to focus on you. right now, no matter what you think say or do, your ex is not coming back. she has said she won't text you back anymore.

 

you need to focus on your job, and school and making friends. It is so hard for me to make friends with new people, but just today at my new job, I was inviting people over to my house saturday for a party I am having. I even thought to myself "what has happened to you!?!?!" I NEVER make friends like this.

 

since the breakup, I have found a piece of myself I didn't know I had. I am strong... I have been through hell and back. I am smart, no matter what the ex told me. I can do whatever my heart desires, and I have people in this world who love me for me (unlike my ex)

 

It took me putting myself out there and not caring about what people thought.... I have hit the lowest of lows and bounced back like I never imagined.

 

It is hard now, but believe me.... you will be ok.

 

and once school starts, I GUARANTEE you will start meeting girls who are interested in you. And you will forget the other girl. I swear, you will see this happening.

 

I am sorry you are going through the rough times, and sorry for my life story, but I know how it feels to be in this spot you are in.

 

I know what it feels like to feel alone and down like you are, and I want you to know it does get better you just have to want it bad enough.

 

And if you work on bettering yourself, and making yourself happy, one day you are going to realize you are not thinking of your ex anymore, and if she does come back... who knows... maybe you won't want her back!

 

with all the hot college chicks you are going to meet, I just don't see you getting back with her

 

good luck and stay strong

[SuddenSun]

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it, and it made me feel a lot better for the time being.

 

I feel like I need that moment where someone just tells me how it is and that I need to get on top of things. I know it myself but hearing it from someone you care about changes things, like you mentioned. I'm worried it won't happen...

 

As far as meeting hot college girls, I appreciate the encouragement but that's just not me haha. As much as I want it to be. That's part of what's making this so hard is I don't get to know people easily so to be so close to someone only to have it all ripped from under you in one night.....

[TalkThatTalk9]

I understand! I am not ready to date after the breakup, so I am focusing on me and making a life for myself. I am excited about being on my own and not answering to anyone. starting my life separate from the ex. dating is not even a concern for me right now because I just don't think I am ready. it is ok not to be ready.

 

things will get better once school starts.

[hadronznight]

I think the most important thing in life is to have a job the first your sleep schedule, which it seems you do not.