Toxic family members: how much contact in adulthood?

[cutiepie0308]

Maybe I was just naiive or oblivious, but things between my immediate family weren't always this toxic. I've always been very shy even within my family. Looking back now as an adult, its pretty clear to me that I was everybody's lapdog; doing what I was told without question. My parents and even younger sibling were able to rule me for a long time. Now that I'm an adult, and I'm actually standing up for myself, these people refuse to take me seriously and oftentimes make my life a living hell.

 

I've grown up believing family is family, and that no matter how many fights, we still have to be there for each other, but does that same notion apply when they are the very people crushing my spirit? when they are the ones that cause so much anxiety and stress in my life that I begin to experience physical symptoms? when they are the ones that ruin my entire day/week/month because of the way they treat me?

 

I feel like I had an epiphany the other day, in which I finally realized that one particular sibling of mine does not have my best interest at heart. We're both working on the same career path, and I recently found out she was ready and willing to back stab me in order to get ahead of the pack. I have cut my losses with her and am mourning not only the fact that she does not care to see me do well with her, but that she is no longer the trustworthy friend I could count on.

 

My question is for people in similar situations. Ofourse when you are a minors living under the same roof, interaction is inevitable. But we're adults now. How do you handle toxic family members like mine? Do you cut off all contact? limit contact? Do you tell them what is about to happen? What about the family member that I get along with, will they get stuck in the middle? What if they try to contact me and want to "start fresh"?

[lukeb]

Its up to you, what you can do is keep contact, but not put them in a position where they could do damage to your personal and/or professional life. Even that is optional, it is totally up to you.

[itsallgrand]

It is up to you.

 

Personally, there are some family members who I do not interact with anymore and others who I chose to keep in my life. Some are in my life in a close way, others not so much. It all really depends on a lot of things, but I did what felt healthiest for me. I didn't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, and maybe in the beginning I did go too far in some regards. However, things have worked out pretty good. I left the door open for some people and we rebuilt our relationships in a way. And for others, the door was simply closed.

 

I too grew up with that notion drilled into us that "family is family no matter what". But when it comes to things like abuse, perpetuating toxic behavior, and other things of that nature....that belief can keep some people in situations that really aren't doing anybody any good.

 

To me, honestly, family is those people who have cared and supported me and loved me and me them. Not all my "blood" do I consider my family these days. Those are "relatives".

 

About some people possibly feeling like they are in the middle: you can ease that by knowing your own boundaries and what is/is not tolerable to you. Also by making it clear if you ever are asking someone to make a choice in that regard or not. Yeah, I have real live experience of this and you know what? It's amazing how many GOOD family came out of the woodwork. A few were some I least expected.

 

Part of being an adult is having the freedom and responsibility to make these choices for ourselves. YOu gotta listen to you first and foremost.

[Firiel]

I have realized that my immediate family is very toxic to me in many ways. I've responded by limiting contact, but mostly by reducing the depth of that contact. I love my older sister and her family, so I know I need to keep the peace with the rest of my family. I just choose to visit them for dinner once in a while but to remain detached emotionally. For instance, I will never go to my mother for anything other than practical advice (as in, what kind of cat food is best?) because she has shown that if I am vulnerable with her, she will exploit that to get her own way. I do still see them mostly because I want to be there for my sisters' kids, but if I am not emotionally distant, I am just setting myself up to get hurt again and again.

[Pluckie]

I have a sibling I don't have contact with. We aren't hateful to each other or anything like that. If she is at my parents when I call and she answers the phone i will just ask for my mom or dad and she hands the phone over and life goes on.

 

This was a situation that just developed over the years. We lived far apart for many years and saw no reason to stay in contact as we never had anything in common other than genetics. Whenever we were together we didn't get along and finally we just realized there was no reason to go out of our way to see each other again. Things are much better for everyone involved now. My parents don't feel the need to take sides. My husband doesn't need to play nice with her when he never liked her either. She doesn't add stress to my life and I don't feel I am missing anything.

 

We have never discussed this situation. It just is. Eventually this sibling will be nothing more than just someone whom you have relatives in common. I am sure you have other relatives incommon with other people yet you never speak to them. Cousins who are very close but you never speak to one or either of them. Maybe an aunt no one in the family sees?

 

I wouldn't worry about it. I think in many ways this overly close sibling thing is a sort of modern design. Years ago siblings married moved away, raised a family and never saw each other again. Maybe that was how nature intended?

[cutiepie0308]

Thanks for the advice guys. Its interesting to know how other families deal with this sort of thing. It looks as though I will have to do as Firiel has and detach emotionally at least. In the past my sister has used my vulnerable state to abuse me verbally ( insults about a problem I have previously confided etc) and so I think to rely on her emotionally at this point would be useless because she never learns. She has anger issues and I no longer want to be her punching bag. Am I the only one who believes older siblings deserve a certain level of respect? ( She speaks to me as if I'm one of her little friends that she bullies and berates) Oh well...

 

I will be cordial if we bump into eachother at family functions, but as of today, I'm no longer investing in a relationship with her. Too bad, we grew up thinking our future children would grow up the best of friends and that we would remain close...