Is empathy a reasonable expectation for a friendship?

[Joplusone]

I've been friends with this person for several years now. He and I recently got into a fight. After the fight, I sent him an email with what I thought his perspective might be (with a request to confirm if I had seen it correctly) as well as my own. I also included a bit of advice that I had truly meant as friendly advice, about considering miscommunication before becoming upset over statements that seem uncharacteristically hurtful. In his response, he didn't mention my point of view at all and mostly lobbed accusations at me from fights he and I had years ago. I'm hurt at this, particularly because I took a lot of time in my email to consider both sides as fairly as I could.

 

I guess I had an expectation that if I was took the time to see his point of view, that he would do the same. Is this an unrealistic expectation for a friendship of about four years? If he doesn't want to consider views contrary to his own, is it worth pursuing the friendship?

 

I'd consider trying to help him with this, because he's described to me arguments with other that he seemed not to be aware that their intentions may be different than his first impression of their action, and he seems very frustrated over them. But... his email accused me of always acting superior to him. I have never denied that I have issues and lessons that I'm working on, too, and I've shared my failures and successes in those lessons with him when I could and when it was appropriate. Naturally, some things he can do better than me, as well as vice versa.

[mhowe]

Yes --- it is unrealistic to think that you can project your feelings/reactions on someone else.

 

And, to be fair to him, sending him an email that summarizes what you "thought his perspective might be", as well as including "advice" --- sounds completely condescending.

[Joplusone]

I didn't tell him what he thought, I tried to summarize things from his point of view, sort of like a "have I understood what you're upset about?" sort of thing.

 

Don't you think it's a basic skill of relating to others to be able to consider that they might have a viewpoint that is different than yours?

 

Yes, you're probably right about the advice, but I see him struggle with this very topic on a weekly basis. I've seen him spend the better portion of a day dwelling on how he would structure his argument to show the other person why what they had said to him was ridiculous and offensive. And it turned out to be a misinterpretation on whether the other person meant "single" as in unmarried people or as in individuals. I don't normally offer advice to him, but this really is something he's having a hard time with. Heck, I still struggle with it sometimes, but I like advice from friends that know me well enough to know what lessons I'm working with.

[mhowe]

Hey, I like advice to --- but I am open to hearing it. He doesn't seem to be, so "offered" advice become a veiled insult that he cannot handle his own problems. That is the thing about advice --- best not to give it unless asked.

 

As to it being a basic skill, yes. But it doesn't mean everyone has it. And it is a sign of maturity to believe that other people may have valid opinions that are different than yours.

 

But that isn't what you asked -- you asked if you could "expect" empathy. Nope, shoudn't "expect" it. Its nice -- but it isn't guaranteed.

[Joplusone]

Hmm, good point about expectations. I guess when it's put that way, it becomes like a feeling of entitlement. Thanks for the new viewpoint, lol.

[mhowe]

You must be very mature