What do you make of this....

[Mary May]

Quick recap on my situation....

 

My ex-boyfriend and I (2yrs together) had a recurring argument when we were together, about him not planning enough stuff for us to do together, and him feeling like he's walking on eggshells around me because he's not sure what's going to make me upset (like if he wants to have a guys night, he would be worried I'd get upset). We went on a break on June 1st and didn't talk for 2 weeks. During that 2 weeks I realized that I need to have my own life apart from him. I've let my friends drift away, I'm not working very often, and as a result I spend my time waiting around for him. So when he wants to hangout with his friends, I would get upset, and I've realized it was because I didn't have anybody else to hangout with as I've neglected my own friends. Also, I've realized that me nitpicking about him not planning stuff was unfair, as he did plan things... I just kept wanting more because I had so much free time and I guess expected him to fill it. I realize now me being not very well-rounded with my own life was the cause of this recurring argument...it's because we're on this break and I really had time to think that I've figured this out. I now have gotten a 2nd job to fill my time, and I've also reconnected with old friends.

 

 

So, last Friday night (just over a week ago) I explained to him what I've realized and that because I've found the root of this recurring problem, that I know it isn't going to happen again. His response was "it's fantastic you've figured all of this out, but it doesn't take away my hurt and all that I went through because of all of this". He says he still is hurt and mad that it happened (he said he's not mad at me, he's mad at the situation and that I acted that way..he says he knew all along deep down I didn't want to be like that). He also said he's not ready to go back into a relationship because he's afraid this will come up again, and also is afraid to get hurt again.

 

He says what he can offer right now and what he'd like to do is just hang out like once a week, just friendly, not "dates" per say, and see where things go from there, and if feelings develop then he'll tell me. He says he doesn't know what it's going to take, but he says he needs something to "click" in him where he feels like "yes, I want to be with this girl again". He says he can't promise anything, as in he doesn't know if feelings will develop, but he wants to hangout and see if they can. We agreed not to date other people because neither of us are interested in that right now. We also established the reality that these hangouts aren't for the purpose of being friends...I told him being friends will never happen! These friendly hangouts are simply for the purpose of having feelings grow again (on his side..because my feelings are still there).

 

Has anyone ever done this sort of thing with an ex before? Does it sound like my ex will eventually come around and have feelings for me again? He admitted he's still hurt and angry at what happened (not at me- since he can hang around with me and we're fine, it's just when he thinks about getting back into a relationship with me those bad memories seem to pop up and he's afraid). Do you think hanging out like once a week will bring us closer together? I don't know if this is a good idea!!!! But i do know I want to be with him and I would regret not trying these friendly hangouts since that's what he's suggesting to do to maybe bring back feelings.

[Dead3]

It sounds to me like both of you deeply care about one another and want to make it work. That is always the first step. No relationship is perfect and sometimes we need space to mend ourselves to be able to start fresh. I don't think anyone can tell you whether or not things will work out, that is for time to decide. It takes a lot to step back, realize your own flaws, and to have the strength to change them. For that, I commend you. I think that if this is someone who you do want to be with, then you should do what it takes to regain their trust. He may need time to heel from the pain he feels and time to learn that what you are telling him is not just words. This sounds like it would also be good for you as well because it gives you more time to focus on friendships, family, and career goals. You need to have your own life before you have a life with him in order to have a healthy relationship. Also, it will give you both time to put in play this new relationship you are going to have. If you went right back to spending the entire weekend together, how would you make time for yourself? It is really easy to fall back into routines, especially when you have been in a long relationship. This gives you the opportunity to form a new relationship that can make you happy in the long run. Don't fret too much though. He sounds like he is interested in a relationship otherwise he would just walk away.

 

I have done this sort of thing with an ex, but I was in your boyfriend's shoes. We got back together and have been together now for four years. I really loved him and wanted to be with him, I just needed time to make sure he wasn't going to hurt me again. I think in a lot of ways, he needed time to make sure I wouldn't hurt him too.

good luck and hang in there.

[Mary May]

I have done this sort of thing with an ex, but I was in your boyfriend's shoes. We got back together and have been together now for four years. I really loved him and wanted to be with him, I just needed time to make sure he wasn't going to hurt me again. I think in a lot of ways, he needed time to make sure I wouldn't hurt him too.

good luck and hang in there.

 

How often did you and your ex hangout? Did you talk inbetween when you saw each other? He suggest that every Sunday would be our night to hangout...and that we shouldn't text all the time like we used to. I don't know how I feel about the scheduled day to see each other..

 

Also, how long did you and your ex hangout as friends before you got back together?

[sabilamalik]

thank you dead3 you are really looking expert, appreciated

[Dead3]

Well, we had a different situation than you two do as far as our issues and the way we handled it. We started to be friends for about a month previous to us even doing anything romantic. We didn't have assigned days and we didn't see each other as often as every week. The main part was becoming friends again first. It really is true, that old saying, he/she is a "part time lover and a full time friend". We did talk in between seeing each other. We texted each other when we felt like talking, but I assure you it was not daily. I wouldn't even say it was every other day. It was good to have that space though. He needed to grow up, take responsibility for his actions, and show me he cared. I needed to really focus on my life outside of him, learn to trust him, and learn how to let go of the past. I took time to make new friends, catch up with family members who I hadn't talked to in years, and really look at who I was to plan a future for myself. Once I did that, he could either be a part of my life or not. I was happy within myself and didn't need him in my life. However, I loved him and wanted him to be apart of my life. As far as my ex and I getting back together, it took a long time. We were "friends" for a month, "friends with benefits" for a second month, and then the third month we started officially dating again. Honestly, I look back and don't regret our time apart. We needed it and those three months don't really feel that long when you compare it to the last four years of bliss.

 

I think it is clear you care deeply about this man. I also think if you are concerned about being too wrapped up in him to have your own life, then this is a pretty good way to start things off. Are you worried that he won't get back together with you? Do you need a relationship that is consistently taking up your time? Starting off slow is a good way to find balance in your relationship, but also in your self. If you don't like the designated day, why don't you tell him? It doesn't have to all be on his terms. You are making a relationship together. Why not suggest you hangout one day each weekend that you pick on monday of each week? Then you know you will talk to him on monday and it allows for a little variety.

I have no doubt that the two of you will get through this, together or alone. You will both find yourselves and then find each other again. The most important thing for you to do is to look into your heart, and love yourself. Once you truly do that, you will see that whether or not this relationship does become what you want it to be right now, you will be okay. Have faith in yourself, and have faith in the love the two of you share. Remember, if you give him/his needs more thought/importance than you give yourself/your needs then you are doing something that isn't healthy for you.

[Mary May]

I do care about him and I know he cares about me too, it's just that when he thinks about getting back into a relationship with me, he thinks about "what ifs", like, "what happens if we get back together and you make a big deal out of when I want to hang out with my friends?". He said that last night. He is worried I will be like I was before, and he's worried he's going to get hurt and going through all that again.

 

I am respecting how he's feeling, and agreeing to be friendly with our weekly hangouts because I truly hope not seeing me as often as before will give him the space he needs to let go of the past. But at the same time, seeing me sometimes will make him see the changes I've made to my life, how I'm busier now with work and friends and hobbies, and how my life would no longer just revolve around spending time with him. I don't want the relationship we had before where I was needy and insecure and always asking for his time; I want to have more of my own life apart from him, and be confident in our relationship when we spend time apart (not being worried about him being with his friends and what they're doing, because I know I trust him 100%). I am confident things would be ten times better if we were in a relationship again, and I hope over time he lets go of the past and what happened, and feels like he can trust me again with his heart.

 

I am fearful that our hangouts will not do anything and that he won't want to get back together with me, and then in the end I will just end up getting more hurt because my feelings will still be there for him. I don't want that to happen. I want to relax and not worry about what's going to happen, but it's really hard because of the fact that he's unsure of what will happen. I need to remember that if this is meant to be it will all work out in the end. If he loves me like he said he did (does?..he hasn't said he loves me since our break started...but he's told me since our break that he thought he was going to marry me, and that this really hurt him), and says that I have all the qualities he's looking for, then I feel like he'll come back.