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Im completely bugging because I keep expecting something. I'm so ANGRY w/ myself


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God DAMN it!

This short relationship has put me right in the same position that all of my longer relationships have...I'm so UPSET with myself. I was supposed to go NC but he kept popping his head up. I want to stand my ground, but I'm finally getting work after a loooong time of joblessness, and he is in fear of losing his job ( weird parallel ). Both situations have caused us to reach out to one another. Him more than me... Now that i'm getting used to him trying to contact me and sounding so excited to hear from me i'm starting to expect to hear from him in ways that are starting to turn all of my abandoment issues into OVERDRIVE. Just stressing and obsessing when it takes hours to return a text...

 

 

I dunno....I'm really pissed at myself right now!

 

 

I guess i'm not asking a question here...whatever.

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If you want to be friends with your ex right now, you need to find some other stuff to do in your life. You definitely should NOT be waiting around for him to text you. Go to the gym, go out with friends, genuinely have other stuff to do that DOESN'T involve him!

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You just need to make a conscious effort for a while (until it sinks on subconscious level) to refocus yourself when this comes up. The easiest way for me personally to do this is to simply remember my state of excitement and my plans before that contact that brought me down.

 

I know that feeling when you feel like you depend on somebody, but there is no reason you should be dependent on them. And guess what, there isn't one. From your post, I think your ex might be one of those people who reach out to others they normally wouldn't to fuel up on good vibes while giving little in return. If after you talk with him, you feel down/demotivated and feel like you need to talk to him again, I would suggest to limit your contact with him to bare minimum.

 

There was a line in a movie I saw recently about how this person was weighed down by his friends: "They won't let you be a new version of yourself, except an old version or the version that they want you to be. And if they see you tryng to crawl out, they are very happy to trap you back in... I'm trying to redraw myself, but everyone keeps f'''ng hiding my pencil".

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@DreamingLife Lol.

 

i think im hiding my own damned pencil!

i feel like i've BEEN standoffish, I'm always the one off the phone first. I have been polite but not encouraging, while he's there on the other line calling me 'sweetie'

 

I KNOW i have abandonment issues that I've fought most of my dating life to get a hold of. They used to cause me to freak out of my partner wasn't available RIGHT when i felt I 'NEEDED' them and get to dumpin'.

 

But I'm beginning to feel like (some of the) bad anxiety that I talk myself out of may let my SO's off of the hook for bad behavior.

 

As in, "its my own issues that i feel bad so calm down and ignore the anxiety... I dunno. Honestly I may just be totally over thinking here re

 

Isn't it great how the emotionally unavailable person and the person with abandonment issues keep finding each other over and over again? *GIRLISH SIGH* Ahh, true love!

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