Not Sure if ready to commit. Need advice please! (Long)

[JetPower]

Hi,

 

I've been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months now and its been going pretty well. In December, I graduate from a 4 year college and this future event has started causing a bit of a problem. She still has a year to a year and a half at the same college after December, and she has grad school too after it, plus other possible things, like Peace Corp. (I'm an Accounting/Finance majors and she is Anthropology/Sociology majors) We talked about it a bit and were kinda shaky at first if we wanted to break up now, later, or try to work through it. The problem comes from that I want to move away from here and also a career opportunity could take me away from here easy. She wants us to stay in a relationship and the more I think about it, I come to two opinions in my mind.

 

On one side, I feel I'm not ready to be together for a long time since I've only had one other major relationship and continually wonder if she's right for me and if there is someone better out there. This comes from that my hobbies and things I enjoy don't really involve her, nor does she want to be involved in them. So like now, when she's with me, I drop all of it when I spend time with her. Which makes me think there is someone out there better that would be alright with my hobbies and such. Also, on a more shallow note, I don't know if I find her attractive anymore, but I won't dwell on that cause it makes me feel like a douche. Also, I feel like she smothers me sometimes, like she wants to spend everyday with me and I need my alone time and have told her that, I don't know if she gets it or resents me for it if I want to spend the afternoon alone, which makes me worry if we live together and I want to spend the night playing video games or going out, will she be mad at me for it that I don't want to spend time with her and I care about those things more than her. It kinda makes me feel like I'm giving up who I am and what I enjoy for her, which bothers me sometimes.

 

On the other hand, I don't know if I'm giving up such a good person and maybe things will be different if we lived together, or maybe I'm giving up "the one" sorta person. I think that if we were to live together once we find out where we would live, will she change and be alright if I want to do stuff on my own and such. The plan if we stay together is that either she tries to find grad school where I'm working if I do move before she graduates, or I wait around until she graduates and we both move to where she goes to grad school and I find a career there. Though there definitely is flaws in these plans that could cause us to break it off regardless, like if she doesn't get into a grad school near me or I'm in too good a position to move away from it.

 

Either way, I feel like one of us is giving up on things they really want, like I can't choose where I want to live and possible career choices, and she gives up her ultimate career goal (which on top of all that, would put her out of the country for periods of time.) Can someone give me advice on this? I get the feeling it happens a lot in those college years. Also, I have no idea how to explain my feelings without sounding like I don't want her anymore.

 

Thanks for any replies.

[alwaysmoving]

Break up with her.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that you should end the relationship because you are not really happy with her and attraction is not there.

[offplanet]

I agree. You should break up with her because I think you don't like to really admit it to yourself yet but you're not happy with her. It'd be really depressing to end up committed to someone you're not really happy with. Why do that to yourself? There's no need to. Why be committed to anyone yet. Follow your career, and your hobbies and things you enjoy. Don't stay with her out of guilt or sense of obligation or because you're scared of hurting her. You wouldn't be doing her a favor anyway, because sooner or later you'd end up breaking up, so do it sooner rather than later. I think you'd find it a relief to be out of this relationship. She will get over it and you'll both be better off. Too complicated anyway.