finally not posting in the "getting back together" forum

[sentencedtoagony]

Some of you regulars know my story. I don't know if I have questions per se but I'd like responses if you have anything to say.

 

One thing that's eating me up at the moment is I was very harsh on the ex when we broke up. I was downright mean which I've never been to her. I feel like I exploded after trying to be tolerant for so long and she was just not paying attention to anything I said. I figured maybe she would finally listen. Instead it was just used to turn it around on me as being the problem.

 

She would, on occasion, throw tantrums, which including throwing things, kneeling on my chest while I was lying down, clawing me causing me to bleed, etc. I think part of me unleashed my rage in the same way.

 

It really bothers me because it's not at all how I am. I always did my best to treat her like the most valuable person in the world.

 

I'm not rationalizing it or saying it was OK. I'm trying to make peace with it somehow so I don't linger on about it. I did apologize to her, but I still feel like she will not forgive me for it.

 

In some way, I think she tried to push me and push me, even if not intentionally, so as to sabotage the relationship. I think it was one of those twisted things where she would have to wreck the relationship if it was going smoothly. I don't understand it completely, but I know some people do that.

 

I spend my days thinking badly of her -- like she's evil and cruel. This makes me feel good because I "dodged a bullet." Other times, I think she is innocent of any malicious intent and didn't mean to hurt me. During these times, I think that she needs help, I feel empathy for her, and I wish I could have helped her heal from her life traumas. This causes me to think I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't compassionate enough, I wasn't patient enough, as much as I tried to be all those things to the maximum.

 

And, of course, I think of all the guy friends she has moving in for the kill. I imagine them all listening to her sob story and/or complaint story about me, thinking about how they're all going to get in her pants. And, no doubt, one of them will. He will, like me, think she is a dream for a while.

 

I worry about her getting sexually assaulted, or addicted to drugs, or getting an STD that can't be cured, or getting a DUI, or getting into an abusive relationship, etc. Is that silly? Is it weird that I am that concerned? I'm not a chronic worrier, but I know that she never developed the skills to cope with sketchy situations. That is part of why she got raped multiple times. She was raped alone in a park at night. And, yet, years later, she still goes to the park alone at night to think.

 

My love has not died for this girl. She was a handful and I want to say I did everything I could to help. But my own needs/wants/desires kept me from offering a pure altruism for her. I just keep thinking..."If I only I had been more patient that time. If only I had said "I don't like what you're doing" instead of getting angry and saying "show me some respect."

 

I feel like I didn't do enough even thought I put every bit of love I had into this relationship, this woman.

 

Some I have talked with in person think she will come back for a 4th, 5th, 6th... attempt to be with me. Maybe. I'm not counting on it. What would I do anyway? She doesn't want to have sex because, understandably, it is traumatic sometimes. She wants to flirt with other guys and says I'm jealous when I ask her to stop. She has a bunch of guy friends but I'm not allowed to hang out with her when she is with them because they don't like me. She doesn't want to live with me because she feels trapped.

 

Would she ever be a good girlfriend to me?

 

After all this, I feel like she thinks I'm a bad person. I, perhaps to my demise, put her on a pedestal, gave her any attention she wanted, helped her any time she was in need, offered physical and emotional comfort. I really feel like I went all out trying to be good to her. I wasn't perfect, but I damn well tried to be.

[Habibi]

heavy story on the first coffee of the morning...but ok.

you didnt dodged a bullet...thats called a torpedo !

this girl is nothing but drama and probably tons of lies to get you hooked up to it.

piety is the safest card to be played at any time.

other guys, STD,...geee, and you wanna stay there ?

i doubt anybody in this forum will ever tell you to go back and try again...because nobody would want you to get hurt for free.

but i cant help wondering why you put yourself through all this.

and all i can think of is that you run out of options (other girls...healthy ones!).

get out of there, nothing good, let others hear her sob stories...their problem !!

and nope, you cant be perfect...not even try to...not possible

[soconfusedntor]

I once dated a girl that sounded a whole lot like your girl. The tantrums, throwing things (she can be selective and only throw my things even in the heat of the moment but never throws her stuffs), attacking me, bites, you get the point. The final push toward our break up was when she jumped over the fence of my driveway and attempted to kick down my door, while wearing a mini skirt and heels by the way, she told me to come out to "talk" to her but instead I called the cops because she refuses to leave and are making all kinds of threats and also damaging my door. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't scared of her but simply thinks she has some deep, deep issues and I don't want to end up hurting her physically, I could get sued or arrested if I end up hitting her on my property, the cops simply shooed her away. The point of my story is, beside to provide some entertainment to take your mind of this girl a little, is this, I realized no matter how much you care for a person, whether it be a lover, a relative or a friend, you can never really change them deep down if they got issues this deep. They are the only one that can change and the best thing for a friend to do is to stand by their side and provide encouragement, but that's it. You just can't change them unless they realize they needed the change first, and this could take years sometimes and a bit of luck on their part. Your worries are just yours only, not hers.

 

Honestly, it sounded like you still have a lot of feeling left for her, but if what you said about her is true, this is not a healthy relationship for you. There are plenty of other women that will make you happier and feel normal if you are willing to open your eyes, but you must let this one go first, our hearts can be as big as the open sky and as small as we make it to be, at the moment you don't sound like your heart can carry much else besides her, so you must first drop it than let others in your heart, it will then begin to widen your heart. Good luck.

[sentencedtoagony]

heavy story on the first coffee of the morning...but ok.

you didnt dodged a bullet...thats called a torpedo !

this girl is nothing but drama and probably tons of lies to get you hooked up to it.

piety is the safest card to be played at any time.

other guys, STD,...geee, and you wanna stay there ?

i doubt anybody in this forum will ever tell you to go back and try again...because nobody would want you to get hurt for free.

but i cant help wondering why you put yourself through all this.

and all i can think of is that you run out of options (other girls...healthy ones!).

get out of there, nothing good, let others hear her sob stories...their problem !!

and nope, you cant be perfect...not even try to...not possible

 

Yeah, I don't want to be with her anymore. I'm slowly starting to recover, but it's still quite difficult. I miss certain things about her -- the good things. Yes, there were some, although they became overshadowed by negative stuff as more time went by.

[sentencedtoagony]

She was a dream come true when I met her. We both absolutely adored each other.

 

But then serious issues started creeping out from her. She claims (about a year ago) that ever since she told me some details about her rape, she has never felt the same again.

 

The tantrums mostly made me laugh, even when she hit me I would sometimes giggle, although there were times I was scared because I knew if I had to defend myself I might hurt her, then it would all be my fault in the eyes of the law. She was good about only throwing her stuff...

 

I still miss her. It's hard to think of her as a "torpedo" or "lost cause". I just never wanted to give up on her. A few days after I broke up with her, I asked her if she was OK with it since she didn't challenge it. She said yes.

 

I think her nature is she is very sensitive loving person, but she's been damaged and abused and turned defensive and combative. It's tragic, but I never knew how to extract that good person from the angry one.

 

I will keep my eye open for someone else, but with minimal effort.

 

In addition to the heartbreak, no sex life at all will be difficult too, since I only enjoy having sex in a relationship.

[sentencedtoagony]

My therapist said: I KNOW she love(s/d) you but she was just not able to meet the conditions you want for a relationship.

 

Why? Why is it so hard to stop flirting/touching/texting other guys if she really loved me? Why did she have to exclude me from half of her life?

[Habibi]

you are on your way down to madness

just quit thinking or asking this stuff, not helpful or necessary

and if she does all this things then she doesnt love you...i dont want to be loved like that, do you ?

take those good times and move on

she is all bad news

other cool chicks around the corner...you just need to get moving.

 

My therapist said: I KNOW she love(s/d) you but she was just not able to meet the conditions you want for a relationship.

 

Why? Why is it so hard to stop flirting/touching/texting other guys if she really loved me? Why did she have to exclude me from half of her life?

[corgidude]

Nobody can really answer those questions about her, perhaps not even herself. And to be honest, it doesn't really matter now. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her and the way she is. It's completely out of your hands, and if she's going to truly be in your past, you need to stop worrying about it.

 

There were some serious psychological issues it sounds like she was faced with and not really making an attempt to deal with. You mentioned her physically attacking you, as well as some of the things she's been through. She is not in a sound enough mental state to be in anything that could be called a healthy relationship.

 

Men are, by nature, 'fixers.' It's why we like to work on old cars, feel proud for fixing that loose deck board, etc. We see a problem, and we like to solve it. You wanted to do this with her; you saw this woman who had problems and you wanted to be the one to fix it and see her be happy. I've done the same in past relationships, and instead of helping them to be happier, I just wound up being miserable in the relationship myself. It sounds like she has a lot of issues to work through, and won't ever get past them until she decides she wants to do what is necessary to work through them. It's not weird that you worry for her well being. When you care for someone, that's just part of things.

 

Don't beat yourself up on what you could have/think you should have said. You had every right to ask her to show you some respect, you're a human being, not her emotional punching bag. You deserve the respect to be treated as such. You feel as though you've dodged a bullet... I heartily agree.

[sentencedtoagony]

Thanks. The instinct to "fix" is still very strong. I guess it would make more sense spending time fixing the car while in a healthy relationship than trying to fix a woman in a rocky relationship with no time left for fixing the car.

[sentencedtoagony]

you are on your way down to madness

just quit thinking or asking this stuff, not helpful or necessary

and if she does all this things then she doesnt love you...i dont want to be loved like that, do you ?

take those good times and move on

she is all bad news

other cool chicks around the corner...you just need to get moving.

 

I don't feel like I'm going mad. I feel fairly stable with the occasional thoughts and feelings of insecurity and failure. Everyone keeps saying there's a better woman for me. I hope it's true.

[soconfusedntor]

In addition to the heartbreak, no sex life at all will be difficult too, since I only enjoy having sex in a relationship.

 

I feel you man, being a adult men it is difficult to loose both sexual relationship and emotional relationship at the same time with somebody, but most break ups will cause you to loose both items simultaneously. I have heard of couples that can still maintain their sex life while being in a "Open" relationship, while going through a breakup, so it's not too difficult on both of them, but given how fragile you are, I don't think you want to pick that route, it will come back and hurt you much more later on and really drive you crazy. My little technique while going through slumps is I use my calendar as my friend, I give my self a goal starting the date that I set out to do something, then mark a big X on each calendar day that passed, I won't be happy on those days since I am not happy anyways, but the purpose is so I can see hard evidence from the X's on the calendar showing I made it through on those days. Look back at the calendar after something like 30 days and you will feel really proud of your self that you made it. Our brain works in strange ways sometimes and I find this technique works wonders with the logical side most men have, you will be like, hey, I did this for 30 days and I am still alive, this crap didn't kill me! It will give you the strength and confidence to go on and keep doing better for yourself.

 

One thing to remember if you are going to try what I suggested, don't start today or tomorrow, give yourself time to prepare for this challenge, yes, this will be a challenge but it's the only way to get your fighting spirit back. Set a date, like 5 days from now so your brain has something to look forward to, then tell yourself you won't be calling, emailing, texting or even thinking about her starting that day, then with each day that passed , mark a big X on your calendar, repeat again for as long as it takes to forget her, in time, you will quit her. That's how I quite smoking after 18 years. One more thing, if you slipped up on one of those days, say you called or emailed her, don't feel bad, just get back on the wagon again the next day, no one is perfect but have faith in yourself that you will keep doing the right thing.

[sentencedtoagony]

Yes, I like the calendar idea. I'm on day four of NC. I'll keep going all the way. I keep thinking about her with boys (none of them are men) and it upsets me. I know we both love each other but (although I'm not perfect) her issues had bad effects on our interactions. I still love her so much. I know she loves me, but it's not enough to make our relationship work. I tried and tried.

 

We had so many similar things that we shared, we really enjoyed each other's company when she wasn't in need of a "break", we had great sex when she wasn't triggered... It just couldn't be fixed. It makes me so sad. I feel like with persistence we could have been a damn great couple that would last a lifetime. But she ejected.

 

I'm not going to beg and plead, but I'm still so sad, disappointed, and feel rejected.

[sentencedtoagony]

Filling the empty time in my life seems to be the biggest obstacle right now. I'm kind of against going out to bars anymore for 2 big reasons: I'm over that scene and I'll probably see the ex there. Due to my working in the evening, it seems like the bars are the only thing to do when I get off work.

 

I don't really have any friends that live around here. I'm kind of solitary, introverted, etc.

 

I think I'll just start working more, like 80 hours a week.

 

I want my soul mate if there is such a thing. It's what I want more than anything, to have a partner to go through life with. I thought this girl was that one, but I was wrong.

[sentencedtoagony]

Someone suggested I write out a chronology of the relationship. It seems pretty unstable when I look at it. Still love her though. What does it look like to you?

 

month 1

 

Hit it off right away. Great chemistry. Good sex. Great fun together. Spent every night together.

 

She told me she was raped on our first date. Apparently She was still with her boyfriend at the time and broke up with him four days into our time together. This made me uncomfortable . I expressed how I didn't want that to be a pattern for her and how I thought it wasn't right. But I have to admit, I really was into her and she made him sound like a terrible person, so I rationalized it.

 

Met her guy friends, all of whom made me feel uncomfortable with their interactions.

 

month 2

 

Still mostly good.

 

Probably some "other guy" stuff in there,as in, seeing what seems like semi-promiscuous behavior to me.

 

month 3

 

Still overall good.

 

Around this time, she probably started crying during sex and telling me more about it. At the end of the third month, I had already had plans to go see my family for Thanksgiving week. I told her this and asked her to come. She said she would but at the last minute ducked out. The day before I left, she called me by the ex's name and I also caught her deceptively texting him. The msgs said she missed him, etc. I was in turmoil but followed through with my plans. I called her and she was distant and not very reassuring. I had a miserable trip. I came back early because I was worried. She acted like nothing ever happened and invited me to Thanksgiving with her family. It was all back on track again.

 

month 4

 

Overall good. I had christmas with her family. We had both just stopped smoking and I asked her if she really wanted to deal with me possible being irritable from withdrawal. She said OK, she'd understand. Apparently, I was abrasive with her family, but as far as I can tell, only she thought that. We had a few days off work together during the holidays. We spent a lot of time together, which was mostly great. One time we had sex and she got really upset with me. She told me afterward that she was having a panic attack and that I was a jerk for not stopping. Nothing indicated to me that there was anything wrong. I just didn't know. After this, she became very distant. On new years eve, she told me I shouldn't come hang out with her and her family as was originally planned. I went by her store, since I was working on that block. I waved at her through the window and she just looked away. I tried calling, texting, etc. She just ignored me.

 

month 5

 

The ignoring just continued on. I finally talked to her. She said she needed time alone. I didn't understand. I was devastated. I loved this girl and she was so into me before. And now this. I tried to reason with her, etc. But she was distant. So, I stopped contact. She would call me every few nights, crying, and tell me she loved me. I'd ask her if she was going to do anything about it to show me. Then she'd go cold again. I figured out she was seeing her ex again. She'd come by my house on occasion and hang out. Then he'd call her and she'd leave. It was crushing.

 

So I stopped talking to her. I was miserable.

 

One night I tried to drink away the pain and it was the worst ever. I drove drunk and could barely see. I threw up in the truck. I was poisoned I think.. I woke up on my porch. It was probably 30 degrees outside. I called her the next day and she came to take care of me. Maybe in a way I did it to get her attention. I don't know. But she was gone again after that.

 

month 6, 7, 8

 

I'd initiate contact sometimes. She'd only give cold responses via text or phone call. I started moving on, still in love with her and still very hurt.

 

month 9

 

She said she had some things of mine and she wanted to bring them to me. I thought it was weird, but I said ok and met up with her. She wanted to hold my hand (which now I know doesn't mean so much since she'll do that with anyone). It was like we were in love all over again. Then the ex texted her and she said she had to go. I just turned and walked away without saying anything. Then she called me and tried to rekindle as she was driving away. I told her I'm not going to be on the back burner or some side thing. If she wanted to be with me, it was going to be 100%, no other guy, no BS. She said I know, but didn't change anything. Over the next couple of weeks she would call me every time her now boyfriend (former ex) was mean to her. I would just say I'm sorry and console her as much as I could considering my bias. A couple of these times we met up. But I realized I was just being her counselor for her messed up relationship. It was painful to keep doing it. One night, however, I told her we should go on a trip and get away from everything. She asked where we were going. I said I don't know. I ended up just driving to (name of state) to see my parents. She was all in love on the trip. We were back together again when we got back.

 

month 10.

 

She was like she was when I met her. It was all good again. We made plans to move in together. We integrated our lives. It was very exciting for both of us it seemed.

 

month 11-16

 

We continued to play house. Our relationship seemed to blossom. It seemed really solid. She seemed happy like when I first met her.

 

month 17

 

I suggested selling her car so we could save money, especially since we weren't using it. She said ok. Apparently, I later found out this was not ok and she felt trapped by not having a car.

 

Sex started dwindling and I told her I was upset about it. She told me sex is not part of a relationship. I lost it. We were on a bad road again.

 

month 18

 

I started going to couples therapy in hopes that she would come with me. Instead she chose to contact the ex and run away with him one night., (She claims it was only because she didn't have a car, I was being mean, and he was nearby. She later said nothing sexual or intimate happened.) I was devastated. I threw her stuff in a pile and moved out within a week. I didn't want to talk to her. I couldn't handle another betrayal.

 

I was devastated in nearly every way, but mostly emotional. It was a difficult transition. Almost like a divorce.

 

month 19

 

After a couple weeks, I sent her a couple of emails, texts, etc. trying to work things out. No go. Then, about a month after our breakup, she starts making small talk with me. We meet up and have sex. Fall in love third time.

 

This time she is very guarded. My welcome back into her life is treaded very carefully, with boundaries that do nothing to cultivate the relationship (exclusion, distance, etc). I hope this will change, but it never does. I am kept a secret and there are limits to the relationship that were never there before. However, I am ready to welcome her back fully. The disparity is disheartening. She starts coming to therapy with me.

 

month 20-23

 

The good times are sparse. It's about 50% feeling love and 50% not. She has a few of her tantrums that involve throwing things.

 

month 24

 

She says she needs some time alone. I find her at the bar. She brushes me off but hugs/touches/holds hands with all these other guys. I lost it. I get angry and say mean things to her. I tell her it's the end. This prompts her to get her act together vowing to be better to me, but it only lasts for one day. The day after, she says she needs to be with her sister. Maybe it's true, but I just can't believe her anymore. Trust is broken yet again. She says it's too much work to try to build my trust. Let's "cut our losses" and end it, she says.

 

---

[sentencedtoagony]

Today, I keep looking around my apartment wondering why she decorated my place with her stuff. Why did she bring this plant over? Why did she bring this table? Why are her clothes here? Why are her towels here?

 

Why did she do all that only to not put forth the effort to be a good girlfriend to me?

[sentencedtoagony]

One thing I just remembered she said the last day I saw her. This was in reference to me seeing her hold some guys hands while standing facing him. "I didn't know you were watching." So, apparently, it's ok to do whatever you want when your SO isn't watching.

[Sapientia]

Oh my god. I would say you two are much better off without each other. Your chronology reads like a definition for Drama. Its beyond even my divorce story (in my case, he hid a lot of things and I was too dumb to see the red flags).

 

Relationships are supposed to be calm. Some people w/issues can't enjoy this so they create it. She's been conditioned for drama (the rape story would have had me running immediately, just for her sharing it on your 1st date). Now it seems you have too.

 

I would get some individual counselling and figure out why you put up with this as long as you did. Maybe you have more than a touch of Shining Knight personality b/c of something in your own upbringing that you need to sort out. Good luck.

[soconfusedntor]

I think the chronology you wrote is helpful in couple of different ways. You are honest with yourself about everything, that’s important when you are trying to get over someone that has repeatedly performed distrustful acts in a relationship. Also, we all need to get that pain out of our chest sometimes, it’s a healthy thing to let your feelings out, that’s usually the first step toward healing.

 

This is what I honestly think, from a third party perspective, with non of your emotions and pains, and being on your side, not hers:

 

"Today, I keep looking around my apartment wondering why she decorated my place with her stuff"

 

This is very normal when you still have feelings for someone, just keep feeling sorry for yourself for a little while, but set that goal in your head that you will stop thinking about her starting next week.

 

Today you can just let your feelings go wild, cry or even smoke if you want, but don’t drink because it will make it worst when you are sober, just do whatever you want that’s safe to complement that feeling of loneliness and sorrow, but tomorrow, you look forward to a different you.

 

You got to give your mind a chance to fight this thing off by setting a goal in your head, be your own head coach, scream at yourself in your head that you are playing a bad game and give yourself the encouragement to face your opponent with better tactics after the break, today is your break, tomorrow you are back in the game, because you are the star on the team and you rely on yourself to win. I am not saying you should not seek other helps if needed, but you are usually your own best healer, once you healed yourself properly, the foundation is a lot stronger than what others can give you. You won't date another girl like her after this.

 

Understand this, this girl is FAR from a normal girl, very far! She’s got very deep emotional issues and NO ONE is supposed to be in a relationship like yours with all her lying and going back to the ex stuff, this will drive any men crazy and sometimes to the point of something really bad happening. FBI statistic shows over 70% of crimes relating to homicide are crime of passion, meaning someone is hurt by the person that they love or loves them. Sometimes the person we hold most dear to our heart is our biggest obstacle in living a healthy life. I am not being cynical about relationships. I am just trying to warn you that relationships like this one have a tendency to go down the wrong path if you don’t cut it early and cut it clean.

 

It’s just unfortunate the two of you found each other but it doesn’t mean you have the power to make all her issues right. She is the opponent in your game now, as far as your emotional state is concerned, and you got to stand up and fight the feelings after the breakup, I have given you some references on how to fight this, but you got to first give yourself that chance to try it. Keep feeling sorry for yourself will never get you anywhere, cut your lost early and start the healing process early is how you win this battle, not trying to fix her problems, you will never win that battle, fixing your own turmoil from within on this breakup is something you can do.

 

Let her out of your head and wish her the best in her future, whoever she will end up with or whatever she want to do, it should not have anything to do with you anymore. This is life. But the next girl that will make you happy will come, if you let this one go.

[sentencedtoagony]

Yes, it would be calm, then suddenly a 180 degree shift. I'm not addicted to the drama. I want stable and easy, which is what I experience half the time with her. I just kept hoping that she would settle down and get her head on straight. I do have the "I can fix this, even if it will be a difficult journey" attitude. I've done that with most things in my life and been successful, but apparently it doesn't work with this situation. I am still going to counseling. This next will be my first appointment without the ex in several months.

[sentencedtoagony]

Thank you. I'm trying to enact this. I'm even going to print out some of the advice here, including yours, and tack it to my wall, so I can look at it when I feel weak.

[soconfusedntor]

Thank you. I'm trying to enact this. I'm even going to print out some of the advice here, including yours, and tack it to my wall, so I can look at it when I feel weak.

 

Good luck with all this! One more thing, this world may seem like she is the only one that can make you happy at the moment, I assume that's why you are going to counseling, but the reality is, a women you haven't met is already waiting for you, but you will prolong the process of finding her if you drag your feet on this one, I have had more than one personal experience that tells me this is true.

[sentencedtoagony]

Yes, I have learned this too. I always think it's the end and I will never love again. I know it's not true, but I don't feel it. I think part of the sadness is that it's a huge disappointment, having invested so much because I cared for someone -- emotions, time, money, energy, friendship -- who walks away without a care. But, given the fact that no one ever has the diligence I do to stick through the rough times, I am still a little skeptical. This really wears me out and I don't want to repeat the pattern.

[sentencedtoagony]

Thinking about sending this to ex.

 

 

[mhowe]

My therapist said: I KNOW she love(s/d) you but she was just not able to meet the conditions you want for a relationship.

 

Why? Why is it so hard to stop flirting/touching/texting other guys if she really loved me? Why did she have to exclude me from half of her life?

 

Because she is a child, emotionally. She wants attention. And she is beyond niave ---to have been raped, and yet go to a park, alone at night. She simply doesn't think about the consequences of her actions -- again, child like.

 

And you cannot "grow her up". She is the only one who can do that ---

[soconfusedntor]

Thinking about sending this to ex.

 

]

 

But why initiate contacts when you are trying to forget her? Unless you are completely okay with being just friends with her now you may want to reconsider any and all contacts with her, and soon enough you will find yourself not needing to contact her and tell her anything, anymore. Just a thought.