Calamaty Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 My ex and I were PERFECT! We met November 5, 2011. We had SO much in common, so much fun! We only dated for six months, but let me tell you, it was an intense six months. At our age (I'm 45, he's 52) we have been through relationships and feel we know what we want and are looking for. I met him at a night club, he asked me to dance, and I had SUCH a great time, we danced so well together, I couldn't wait to see if he'd be there the following weekend. He was. We danced more,talked more, laughed more. He asked me out. We went out the following week, had a great time. The next weekend, more wonderful, fun dancing. That weekend, I gave him my phone number...and from then on we spent so much time together, for sure every weekend, until as more time went on, we were spending every night together at my place or his. Then came the night of the Superbowl. He was "working late". I was at his house cleaning, doing laundry, watching the game, and waiting for him to get off...when he got there and I kissed him, I thought I smelled an odd smell....like he'd had oral sex....if you know what I mean....I brushed it off, thinking it MUST be my imagination....and we went on. Then, on Valentine's Day, his ex-girlfriend started texting me, (how she got my number I'm still not sure) and I thought it was just sour grapes, because she was alone on Valentine's Day, etc....so I blew her off, told her I didn't believe her, etc (please note, she's 29 years old, he's 53 and they dated for 5 years before I met him, but he told me they broke up before we met). He came to town, took me to dinner, gave me a lame Valentine's Day card with barely a scribbled signature from him on it. The next day, she continued to text me. Then she texted me a picture showing their instant messages at work, which proved to me she was telling the truth. They were "meeting" the night of the Superbowl while I was at his house cleaning, doing HIS laundry, etc!!! I was absolutely CRUSHED! He and I had SO much in common, SO much fun! We were spending almost 100% of our free time outside of work together!! So, he was meeting her after work, and during work they were instant messaging suggestive and sexy things to each other. I fell apart, I cried, I drank, I didn't know what to do with myself. All I could ask was WHY, WHY, WHY? He told me SO many times he didn't love her, never loved her, etc...he said he didn't understand why either. He said after we got back from a ski trip that she messaged him that her grandfather died and he felt like he should go "console" her, and that she said he was always her best friend, and she drew him back in that way....Well, I decided to forgive him. I loved him so much, and at my age the pickings are slim, let me tell you. And I truly believed he was sorry for what he did and that he did truly love me! So, I forgave him and we went on. He promised to be transparent to me, to let me check his cellphone for calls/texts, etc...he was always texting me during work so I wouldn't worry he was with her. Well, my intuition told me that something was up. Let me just say here, we were SO happy!!! Having SO much fun! He purchased a motorcycle and we were going on trips, and having a blast!! Spending every moment outside of work together, and so very in love. But still, when I'd ask him if he had heard from her, or saw her (she worked at the same place) he'd say no, and my intuition was just working overtime....so, I decided to install some spyware on my extra iPhone and then offered it to him because his phone was terrible. He took it. I started monitoring it. I noticed several times that he said he was some place different than the gps told me he was. Then, on Mother's Day weekend, I went do DFW to spend Mother's Day with my mom and sisters. On the way there, I stopped for a bathroom break and checked the spyware, and it showed him in the small town where his ex lived....long story short(er) I caught him still messing with her.....DEVASTATED again....and SO very betrayed......so I broke it off with him. Now, finally, the reason for my post: I have been talking to him again. I keep thinking, I was SO happy with him, and at my age, how likely is it that I will find someone so compatible with me, that I have so much fun with, etc, etc....I keep thinking, I was so happy with him and I'm so miserable without him....cant I just have him, and have my fun and happiness? I told him I'd go on a weekend trip on the motorcycle with him this weekend...and I really, really, want to....I think I can maybe just have fun with him, but not be intimate with him...until he retires from there in 2.5 years and is away from where she has any access to him....I think I can just have fun with him and keep my heart separate.... am I fooling myself? Come on, lets get real.....at 45 (46 in July) there really are not many eligible men out there, at least not in my area....and he makes me happy.....have I totally lost it? I really want to go on this trip!! I dont want to spend my last years alone and lonely. I was thinking to tell him we could be friends and go dancing (which we really loved to do) and ride the motorcycle, but not be intimate or considered a "couple"....what do you all think? Please tell me! And thank you if you took the time to read this far! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 If you were in your twenties I would have said walk out and never look back again. But like you said, at this age it is hard to find someone single that you get along with so well. You can probably be friends if both of you can resist being intimate. Do what makes you happy but I'm sure you are aware that it may not end up as simple as it sounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charity Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 i'm sorry but yes you are fooling yourself and settling for less because you are scared and desperate. since when is 45 OLD? get a grip girlfriend. THE LAST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE? WHAT? ON average you probably have another 30- 40 tears left!! go back to him now and be prepared for more of what you just went through... but you will only have yourself to blame. he has SHOWN you who he is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneSadPuppy Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Dear Calamaty, You know, it is possible to have great chemistry, wonderful times, fall deeply in love with someone whose life away from you has unacceptable things going on in it. This could include illegal activity, some perversion, a racist, violence, drugs or ... in the case of your ex, a lying s1ut (the worst betrayal of all)! My ex wife was a cheat. First when I was 34, next when I was 46. I have no idea how many times in between. I should have kicked her to the curb at 34 and I would have had it not been for the little blond two year old boy staring up at me with tears in his eyes because daddy had tears. Your ex will eventually stop cheating on you, but only when he stops functioning as a man! The type of person who will cheat is a type of person who is willing to cross a certain line and justify it to themselves. This is a character flaw (but my moral values). I think a person can make a mistake and learn if they're watching their life disappear, but eventually they forget and justify crossing that line again (my ex wife would be a fine example). You miss him, we all get it. I miss my recent ex terribly sometimes (last night for instance). But if I got her back (and I think I likely could), it would not prevent her from her sneaking greener pasture ways. Damn, it would be so easy in the short term, but the long term, I'd always be waiting for the bomb to drop again. Because of this, I'd make a crappy partner. Regarding your age, lol. I've read your stats in one of your first postings. You are in demand! The worst drag is giving up the history (happy history) and starting out with the dreaded coffee date or initial phone number exchange. Uggh! I hate dating. I so understand what you're going through and what you're thinking. I have these same thoughts. But listen ... what you want is to climb back into the bubble, the "ideal". But the bubble is a lie! It's ironic when you think about it, but the first person to lie again will be you. You'll lie to yourself thus giving him the opportunity to lie to you again. Although your story is so much more tragic than my recent one, I completely understand your thoughts right now. I've had them, am having them, myself. But I won't, won't, won't lay down for anyone again who doesn't deserve me! Neither should you! last note: you could waste years on this joker, then at 56 ... what will you do then! Get out now! OSP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RFB Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Walk away. Don't look back. You can never be that desperate in life that you'd put up with crap like that. And age be damned!! I can't believe someone suggested sticking around because it's supposedly hard to find companionship when you're older. I'm 52 and met the girl of my dreams last year. Age is just a number. Go find someone who respects you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calamaty Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 i'm sorry but yes you are fooling yourself and settling for less because you are scared and desperate. since when is 45 OLD? get a grip girlfriend. THE LAST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE? WHAT? ON average you probably have another 30- 40 tears left!! go back to him now and be prepared for more of what you just went through... but you will only have yourself to blame. he has SHOWN you who he is. I didn't mean I am in the last years of my life, I meant at this age and with the limited amount of single men anywhere near my age in this area (I'm from a relatively small town) that my odds of finding someone that I'm as compatible with, to live out the last years of my life with are very slim. Thank you for your advice, I know that you are right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transmit Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 you can find someone who loves you and treats you the way you deserve at any age. you WILL find someone better. Don't stay with someone who hurts you out of fear. You will get stronger the more you distance yourself from him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calamaty Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 Dear Calamaty, I so understand what you're going through and what you're thinking. I have these same thoughts. But listen ... what you want is to climb back into the bubble, the "ideal". But the bubble is a lie! It's ironic when you think about it, but the first person to lie again will be you. You'll lie to yourself thus giving him the opportunity to lie to you again. Although your story is so much more tragic than my recent one, I completely understand your thoughts right now. I've had them, am having them, myself. But I won't, won't, won't lay down for anyone again who doesn't deserve me! Neither should you! last note: you could waste years on this joker, then at 56 ... what will you do then! Get out now! OSP Thank you OSP. I suppose taking the chance of never finding anyone I'm so compatible with is better than being lied to and disrespected. I hate dating too, and the available men here my age are very slim pickings, trust me, I've been single for years. I think that's another reason why this has been so extremely hard for me. I had given up thinking I'd ever meet anyone, then he came along and everything seemed so perfect. So, yes, I do think the odds of me finding anything like that again are very, very slim unless I move away to a larger city. I cant do that, I have my career here. Suppose I'll just dig in and enjoy my work, my boys, my friends and my pets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneSadPuppy Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Thank you OSP. I suppose taking the chance of never finding anyone I'm so compatible with is better than being lied to and disrespected. I hate dating too, and the available men here my age are very slim pickings, trust me, I've been single for years. I think that's another reason why this has been so extremely hard for me. I had given up thinking I'd ever meet anyone, then he came along and everything seemed so perfect. So, yes, I do think the odds of me finding anything like that again are very, very slim unless I move away to a larger city. I cant do that, I have my career here. Suppose I'll just dig in and enjoy my work, my boys, my friends and my pets. I understand this post too. My current ex is so similar to me. Exact same interests, magic chemistry, but ... she doesn't know what she wants and is struggling to commit. It's sad, but I'm just not in control of that aspect and I've had to move on. There will be more to life for you than your boys and pets. For now though, you'll never find anyone as you're comparing them to the ex. I'm just pulling out of this stage now, and so will you! OSP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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