sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 We've been going between his place and mine depending on what our arrangements were with our children that week. He has 2 and I have 3. He asked me to live with him and let's find a place together in May and I was super hesitant mostly because of our children and the speed of the relationship and he basically said 'I want a life with you and your kids. I want to be a family. I want this committment but if you need time, you decide and I'm here no matter what.' The truth is - when you know you know. I knew I had met the last man I ever wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I really do care about him and want the best for him and his children. So we've chosen a home and we're moving in in a few weeks. His ex, Stacy, just had a baby by a man who is no longer in the picture. My boyfriend gets his kids on the weekends but early on, I noticed they did a lot of things together. (As in Stacy, and children, and my boyfriend). They had from what he said a good, friendly relationship for the sake of the children absolutely no feelings romantically between them for years. As soon as he met me, it got weird with her and I sensed it. She would tag him in FB posts and made a lot of comments about him. (Not too nice) and the next day would sing his praises about what good dad he was. Would text him like crazy if I was around. He always answered short 1 or 2 words. When we decided to commit and move in - I said 'I want you to have your kids as much as possible but I'm very uncomfortable with you hanging out with Stacy all the time. I'd like to know if it is your intention to continue your relationship this way or if things will change when we move in together?' And he said I understand and I thought you might be concerned. Things will change right away and we'll have the girls together and our family (me, my kids him his kids) would spend time together. There are NO feelings left between me and her - I promise.' Stacy has the baby during which time we have the girls for a few days. Had a blast with them. For the first time felt like all 7 of us were going to be very happy and that me and boyfriend could really do this. Our kids get along so well. My boys love him and his girls, by all accounts, love me. Hugs kisses highfives games all very friendly. Stacy gets home and writes my boyfriend a long text about how she was taking him back to court, getting a lawyer, asking for more child support. (Post Partum Blues perhaps?) When he asks 'why' she said 'Because all you care about is HER and my girls don't deserve that. You put her first and its really upset 'B' (The 5 year old - oldest) and she can sense that you love your gf more than you love her. I shouldn't have to tell you to care more about your children than you do about her. Go be HER new family and leave my girls alone' This was all via text. My boyfriend HAS NEVER chosen me over his kids. I have encouraged them to spend a lot of time together even alone. He basically apologized that they felt that way and said he would do better which ticked me off because it's not the case. And I saw it happening but pretended not to be reading over his shoulder as I cooked dinner behind him. He never mentioned it or brought it up. I know - that's a bad girlfriend thing to do. So the guilt sets him for him and he starts hanging out again with them as a whole. The last two days. Finally I said 'No. I don't deserve half a guy. You are committed to our relationship or I walk. I dont' want to sit at work and think about you being with her all day. And your kids are going to think there's a chance for you to work it out if you hang out. That leaves 0 room for me to build a relationship with the girls.' I was shaking and so upset. This went on for a while and I said 'This isn't about your girls. I love them. You should have them AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE but I can't handle you hanging out with Stacy all day. I wouldn't hurt you like that by hanging out with my son's father a few times a week. It's a dealbreaker. You're still committed to her whether you realize what you're doing and I'm ready to walk.' He apologized and said he didnt' think of it that way and he loves me more than he's ever loved another person (minus his kids - goes without saying) and blah blah blah. He promises this will be their last outing and he would take the girls alone from now on. My question is - Is this normal in a coparenting relationship? If I didn't think she still had major feelings for him - would I be okay with this scenario? Probably not even then. I mean 2-3 times a week going to the mall and dinner and attractions together. Especially with a 1 week old BABY! And the guilt she uses on him. And the hatefulness. 'Don't you dare bring her to my house. Over my dead body.' And he told me none of this. He wont talk to me about it. He doesn't want to bring any drama in my life and says it's his problem to deal with. I really love him so much and I don't want to be a jealous person but I'm trying to build the family we talked about and wanted. I know it's never going to be easy but what do you think of the situation? Am I wrong? Is he? Is there hope? By the way to my face - Stacy is as sweet as can be as I am to her. Shake hands, smile big, exchange jokes, talk about our children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 The whole thing is massively unhealthy and frankly immature. This woman is clearly not over your boyfriend, and your boyfriend is clearly buying her guilt hook, line and sinker. For your own kids' sake, if not your own, I think you need to walk. WAY, WAY WAY too much potential for drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny_mcs Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 How long have you been with your bf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Since February. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 4 months? Are you serious? You've been together 4 months, you each have kids, but you think it's a smart move to move in together? All the while, he's hanging out with his ex (who, oh by the way, just had a baby with a DIFFERENT guy) because he's just such a stand up guy that he wants to show what a great family man he is. But really, there's really nothing to worry about at all here because you're convinced you've found "the one"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 I know that it's a short time. But from the second we met, we matched. Just complete comfort and happiness. We talked right away about our goals in the relationship and had a clear understanding of the past for each other. What we wanted for the future. We're not infatuated - although we are honeymooning which I know the idea to live with each other during that phase is a bad one to make - but I just knew for all practical purposes that he was it for me. And for him it was the same. Not love at first site, not soulmates, but just the person you can't imagine being without. The one you want to watch your grandchildren with. This is the first argument we've had since we met and i'm sure there are arguments down the pipeline and I know we moved a lightening fast speed, but it's true what they say 'when you know. you know' I just need to figure out how to handle this ex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny_mcs Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Since February. Yeah, you need to not be disrupting your children's lives and moving them in with your bf of a few months. It's a really terrible idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Noted. It happened too fast. I get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny_mcs Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 You are going about this backwards. Instead of after a few weeks or months deciding that this guy is "the one" and you need advice on how to fix this massive issue, you need to understand that after four months, especially with children involved, you need to be in the information gathering and evaluation stage with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks Jenny. I appreciate your advice. I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Noted. It happened too fast. I get it. I don't think you do. This isn't just a matter of things "happening fast". It's a matter of wearing blinders because things feel good. Emotions are cheap. They're fickle, they're easy. For every "when you know, you know", there's a matching tale of divorce. I can't honestly imagine how anyone could objectively look at your situation and think it's a wise course to pursue. You have 3 of your own kids, he has 2 of his own, and the mother of those children just gave birth to ANOTHER ONE with a different man and, oh by the way, she's still using guilt to wrap him around her finger. But hey, everyone feels groovy with each other and you can see yourself in a rocking chair on a porch with him in 30 years, so why not rush into it? That's easy-peasy, OP. What's hard is being an adult and leading with your head instead of your heart. Especially when your head conflicts with what your heart wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks Camus for giving me a lot to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Good luck. I know I'm kind of a spoilsport here. And I'm not trying to discourage your relationship with him. I am advising that you perhaps slow things down. What's the rush, after all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 I think you're right. Sometimes it takes a little hard worded advice to make you think things through a little deeper and take more time which is this case. So Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I understand and agree with what others are saying... but isn't that kind of spilled milk? If you are already living together, you are already living together. I think the problem, OP, is that she is crazy. (lol!) In my experience, what you are describing sounds an awful lot like bi-polar disorder. Being happy one minute, being a total witch the next. And she has no bounds of morality. Sane people - no matter how mad they get - don't threaten to take their children away when they are merely upset with their partner. That's just not a thought process that sane people go through. She is manipulative and she will clearly stop at nothing to get her own way. What to do? That's a tough one. You can hold your ground (and you should)... but this type of action could have dire consequences for your bf. Especially if she brings him to court and starts telling lies. You can't really control him (or her)... so... he may go along with the crazy... he may decide to simply break up with you... you know... when you are between a rock and a hard place, you tend to try to push the side that has "give" (you). His children will be at stake. It's going to be a hard sell to get him to choose you over his kids (and she will force that decision even though it is illegal and unfair). Alternately, you can try to find ways to be ok with it... There is no good answer, unfortunately. I do know of ONE case where the crazy party became slightly less crazy (when she got a husband of her own)... but that is pretty rare. Unfortunately, there is not much that can be done about ex drama. That's why it's a dealbreaker for so many people... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sodizzy Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks for the info Reddress. We aren't living together until next month if that's the path chosen. At this point I'm not sure and not so much based on the comments on this thread but I had doubts myself and this helped bring them to light. I am the only one that signed the lease on the home and I can afford it by myself. I was careful to protect myself in that way. Part of me knows this all happened so fast. I realize I can't change her but I just wonder if telling him that it had to stop was wrong. Is it normal for exs to do family things together? I really believe my boyfriend is there for the kids. I know she just had a baby and is struggling. My ex and I get along great with a picture perfect divorce (as good as such a horrible thing can be) where we did whatever was in the best interest of the children. We didn't fight once through our divorce where we raised our voices. We have 50/50 custody - no child support. We tapered off our time with them together with a thursday pizza night for a few months toward the end and then down to nothing together except Birthdays or requests from the kids. So I guess I'm trying to understand if I came on harshly with 'this family time ends or I walk' or if you all felt it was weird too. But I learned a lot more from this thread. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I realize I can't change her but I just wonder if telling him that it had to stop was wrong. Is it normal for exs to do family things together? I really believe my boyfriend is there for the kids. I know she just had a baby and is struggling. I think "normal" is subjective. You mentionned yourself that you and your ex did "family" pizza nights for a while. Does it have to stop? I mean... these days with extended families and open relationship (not saying yours is open) and same-sex relationships and all of these "alternative" lives... who is to say what is normal? I have TWO friends who regularly hang out with their ex's ex and family... as in... the two couples get together for dinner and drinks, go camping, etc. It happens. That being said, I don't think you are wrong to have these boundaries - and - given her reaction, I think your intuition is right that it's not quite kosher. I don't think there is right and wrong - just compatible and incompatible. But... if we are taking sides? My views are compatible with yours, not your bfs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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