No sleepovers?

[lilow]

Don't really know where to start. I'm 20, my boyfriend's 26. We've been together about two and a half years. Everything is great; I know he's the one and he's said he feels the same way about me. (For those of you who question that, I know he meant it because he initiated that conversation without any prompting from me. Plus, I can just tell, you know?) The only thing is, he won't spend the night. He won't let me spend the night with him either, but that's not as relevant because he lives with his parents, so I can understand... but I live alone, so I don't see why he won't stay the night with me. I'm not saying I want him to stay every night, just ONCE for him to want to be with me for a full 24 hours. I've told him I don't want to get married until we live together (he's suggested otherwise, weird...) because to me, marriage is about wanting to share a life with that person. Not to be glued at the hip 24/7, but to want to be close by even if you're at the separate ends of the house working. It's a sharing thing to me. I'm so scared that we'll never get married because I'll never agree to it if I have doubts. If he doesn't want to share 1 day with me, how will we share 50 years?

 

We have had a few sleepovers before, but not really. We went on vacation for a week with his family. I had a problem with my car once, and it would have been a total of 2 hours driving to take me home then to go back to his place, so I stayed with him. Then there were three times he has stayed at my place. One was during a family emergency, and I live closer to his family than he does. It wasn't an "us" sleepover because he left within 5 minutes of waking up to be with his family. I understand that it was a bad situation, and I wasn't offended. The other two times I had to be crying and (embarrassingly) on the verge of throwing a tantrum to get him to stay. (Won't get into the details, but I have PMDD (severe PMS for those not familiar) and I get extremely emotional. I'm not like that at all when I'm not in the end of the last week of my cycle though.) I don't remember what was said but I was really upset and I didn't understand why he never wanted to stay with me, wake up to me, why out of the nearly thousand nights we've been dating not one of them has he had such a good time that he would rather stay, blah blah blah... So he agrees to stay later in the week. He schedules it almost a week in advance. It's not the same, I want to be with him one night, and it gets to be normal time for him to go, and for him to decide, You know what? I'm having such a good time, I don't want to go home. He was staying for me, not for us those two times, if you understand. Which I really appreciated, don't get me wrong.

 

I've googled everything about it, trying to find any potential explanations that can convince me it has nothing to do with me. I will dispel the most popular to save people the trouble of suggesting things that just aren't it.

 

The most common explanation I found was commitmentphobia. He's always been the first to bring up marriage, kids, living together, etc. We've talked about all of it, and pretty much have everything planned out. Either he's an impeccable liar regarding his commitmentphobia (he'd been engaged before though [even though it was after 5 years of dating], so probably not) or that's just not it.

 

Inability to sleep in an unfamiliar location was another suggestion, and that's part of the excuse he uses. He's said to me before "I can't sleep if I'm not in my bed, in my house," and "I can't sleep with anyone else in the room." He slept pretty fine on the vacation I described earlier. He's also mentioned how too much light gets in my room because I don't have good curtains. He naps at my house almost every day, falling asleep within 10 minutes at the most, when I have the overhead lights on. I can't even sleep when it's that bright. I'm always in the bed with him when this happens. He doesn't sleep for very long, 20ish minutes, but I can tell they're just power naps. He feels good after them and they're nowhere near his usual bedtime. Even though he's cited sleep as part of the reason, I know that's not it.

Although our sleep schedules are completely different, I think that has something to do with it, but he wants to get married someday, have kids... he's going to have to change eventually in that respect. I'm a university student and have to maintain a somewhat normal day during the standard school year (although in the summer/winter breaks I try to get as close to his schedule as I can without disrupting my daily routine), he sleeps from 5am-2pm usually. I understand it's hard to sleep when everyone else in the house is awake, but he's the unusual one in that respect and he lives with his parents now, who have a perfectly normal schedule. He's also mentioned my pets are loud. He has dogs, I have dogs. His are louder than mine and he complains about them all the time.

 

Then I saw some people who said that men who won't sleep over are just using you as a booty call. We rarely have sex (once every few months, very closely monitoring my cycle) because we don't want to get pregnant. He's actually said how he'd love to have kids, but I want to be financially ready, and if he won't spend the night with me, how will we make a family? I'm just not ready to have kids, and although he doesn't like me holding out on him, he's very understanding. We use some protection but I won't get birth control because I don't want it to show up on my medical insurance stuff, which is still under my dad's name until I'm out of university. My parents are really religious, and I have always been very conscious about them knowing all of my medical business. I'm a very private person. Anyway... we don't have sex. He leaves just the same when we do as when we don't.

 

And his parents don't like him spending the night with me, something else that's come up, but he's TWENTY-SIX, and he's done it before. He acts as if he can still get grounded or something... I know it's weird that he still lives with them, I agree, but he's doing the whole struggling new-author gig. He loves to write and I would never want him to abandon that for a job that won't make him happy. (He's spoiled, I know, but if his parents are willing to support him, and he has the time to do what makes him happy, why not? I graduate university in less than 2 years and I have a good shot at a good career in the medical field starting in a few years. I'll get great benefits and okay pay, and would be more than willing to support him. I've always wanted to work, and would be fine being the female breadwinner. I'd work no matter what, and if work doesn't make him happy, then I don't want him doing it.)

 

Which brings me to his most common excuse: he wants to go home and write. Writing is important to him, and I love that he has something productive to do that makes him so happy. I would never ever ask him to quit writing to be with me. He says the only time he can write is at night, his excuse for staying up so late, because he can't get distracted by his parents. I've told him that I know how important writing is for him and I would even let him write at my house. I even gave him his own ROOM to write in when I moved in this apartment because he said he'd spend the night more. We got him office furniture and a computer and paper and pens... He hasn't used it yet. I know he wants to write, but he (always excluding the sleepovers I've already described) never wants to skip writing to be with me. But if a new PS3 game comes out, he'll stay up all night playing it and skip writing. Or his friends spend the night sometimes, and he won't write. Even though he doesn't like them coming over either, but he puts up with it so his best friend doesn't have to drive home in the middle of the night, which he's made me do... anyway, I have a PS3 too, and we play the same games. We could play together here... I have the setup for it. I'm not asking him to move in with me, I just don't understand why time with me is never better than writing but the new video game is. So that excuse is down the toilet.

 

Lastly, his house with his parents will "always be home." His parents were pretty old when he was born, and he stands to inherit their house when they die. He's said he wants us to live there forever. I hate it here in Oklahoma (and his parents house... it'll never feel like ours) and have always wanted to leave ASAP, but I understand it's home to him and have been willing to compromise, suggesting that we can live in his parents' house as long as we do a lot of traveling together. I don't want to be controlling and uncompromising, and as I've said, I just want him happy. We had talked about getting our own place together temporarily, which made me think the home thing wasn't as serious as it is, but it never happened. I made a huge effort to save up some money for us and he saved up some, but it was less than 10% of what I saved and we make about the same amount of money. I fear that the same reason he doesn't want to live with me (he says he does, and sounds like he means it but makes little effort) is why he won't spend the night, that's why it's relevant. Besides, not being at "home" one night out of the year isn't unusual at all.

 

And for those of you who are saying "just ask him," I have. A million times. But I'm at PMS time again, and for the life of me I can't remember his reasoning. All of the arguments he's made that you see throughout this post have been debated, similar to the way I disputed them above. He has an answer for everything, but I have something to dispute it, and at the end, all I can remember him saying is "I'm sorry." And he does mean it, he truly is sorry. Sorry for what though? I know he doesn't like to upset me, he's really a great guy, and he gets upset when I explain to him that he upsets me. Which in turn upsets me more... long cycle. And in the end, I never get any answers, just an upset boyfriend whom I care about very much and can't stand to see upset. This is why I've decided to quit asking him and ask you all. I've had no experience with a situation like this and don't know what to do. I hope we get married someday, and don't want to hesitate at all when he pops the question, and this will cause me to hesitate, and I don't want any doubts.

 

And if you're just going to call him a bad person, save it. I love him, he loves me, we're so happy together. 90% of his flaws are in this posting, so all you've read is the "bad" side of him. You can't judge a person until you truly know them, so don't waste any bandwidth telling me to leave him, it's not going to happen, and I don't care to hear it. I just want to see if there is a reason for all this that I'm not catching without having to further upset him without getting any answers. Thank you all in advance for your help. I'm also sorry if I got off topic, but I figure I can save the forum members some time if I counter-argue as many possible answers.

 

I really do appreciate this.

[Natasha24]

This is really bizarre, I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to stay over. Most guys I know love sleeping over at a girl's house, because it means sex is imminent. The fact that you don't have sex is what makes me wonder.

 

Is he super religious? You say you don't have sex because you don't want to get pregnant - but with birth control pills and condoms, it's almost impossible. Do you guys do other things, like oral sex?

 

This is the only reason I can think of for why he wouldn't want to sleep over. He has some fear of something sexual happening, and he wants to avoid it at all costs. I know you don't want to hear advice like "leave him", but my honest advice is that I wouldn't stay in a relationship of 2.5 years (!!) where the guy doesn't want to have sex with me or sleep over at my house. I would feel very unwanted.

[FathomFear]

I apologize--I haven't read your entire post (yet) but can you clarify if he's religious? I know a few deeply religious guys who sound very much like your boyfriend. In my experience it's usually the only explanation for that kind of behaviour.

[lilow]

No, he's not very religious. He wants to have sex, and we do occasionally. I'm the one that doesn't let it happen. I'm not ready to have kids yet, and my period's really erratic so I always get so stressed out when it's not on time (which it never is). Even when we have sex, he leaves just the same, so nothing changes if we have sex. The sex that we do have is great though. And even if he did stay, he wouldn't be guaranteed sex. Our relationship isn't sex-based, we're just not like that. We just love being together (unless it's overnight, lol). We're best friends; we have similar hobbies, have things to talk about...

 

And thank you both for the suggestion.

[markfromark]

Well, you love him, he loves you and he is just not into sex and he does not want to talk about it. Looks like you will just have to live with it. Don't know what else to say.

[lilow]

I'm sorry if I did not make this clear in the first post. He loves sex, I love sex, I just can't stand the stress of not knowing if I'm pregnant every month. We do have sex once every 2ish months, and we love it. He doesn't avoid sex with me.

[Godel]

Let me throw out a possibility, that if true, might explain a lot. Is it possible (no judgement on him) that he has erectile dysfunction stemming from performance anxiety. If that is the problem, it would explain an apparent lack of desire for sex, and avoiding situations that might lead to sex. It's not a lack of sexual desire, it's simply that the fear of the embarassment of ill-performance is greater than the desire for sex.

[blueidealist24]

Do his parents maybe give him the gears about staying over at your place? Maybe that's why he doesn't do it often.. just a thought.

 

EDIT: Obviously I didn't read closely enough the first time.. I'm sleepy.. reread that they in fact do not like it.. honestly that's probably the whole reason, not wanting to make them mad/disappoint them while living at their house.

[Fudgie]

Honestly, I think he may be overly attached to his parents. Why do I say this?

 

1) He won't sleepover with you, likely because his parents "don't like it". Who gives a CRAP if they don't like it? It's not their house, he's not bringing you over. He's way too worried about their "approval". He's 26. He's a big boy and should know how to deal with this.

 

2) He wants to stay forever in his parent's house in OK. Okay, he'll inherit it but what about until then? Are you guys gonna move in with his parents if you got married? You already know you want to get out of that state and that house will never be "home" to you, let you are willing to compromise? This is your future HOME we are talking about. If you don't want to stay in that house/state, then you really shouldn't. I think you both should compromise a little. Maybe stay in the state but find a house that you'd both enjoy.

 

3) He obviously is comfortable where he is and isn't saving up much money to move out.

 

That's just my take. I think he's a mamma's boy who sees no great reason to leave. He enjoys sleeping and living at his parents' house. He's not making the appropriate actions to move on with you. Just talking of marriage/kids doesn't matter much when he can't even handle one sleepover with you or save up money.

 

Oh, and are you guys using condoms? Or do you just "time" it with your period? If you are not using condoms, PLEASE USE SOME. Or better yet, get on the pill. The "cycle method" is not that reliable even with regular women, and you yourself said that you can be a little "not on schedule". If you keep just relying on the "tracking" method as a method of BC, you will likely end up pregnant. Either get on the pill or get some rubbers before something bad happens.

[lilow]

@Godel: It's definitely not ED. His ability to perform is definitely not lacking... But thank you for your help!

 

@blueidealist: I think that is a big part of it, but he's definitely an adult, and although they aren't happy about it, he has done it occasionally. His mom expresses her disappointment subtly but doesn't say anything outright. "well, alright..." That kind of thing. His dad doesn't really care. And he does other stuff they don't like without a problem. His parents are the type that make it clear that they love him no matter how bad he screws up. I do agree that that may be a significant portion of it, that is a good observation by you. But he drinks beer occasionally (4ish drinks/week, usually over a whole weekend), which his parents strongly disapprove of because of history of alcoholism in his family, but he does that anyway... But I do agree with you to a certain extent. Thank you for your input.

 

@Fudgie: I really think you may be onto something.

1) He's got a perfect family that he's very close to. His dad's getting pretty old and he helps him with the yardwork almost every day. If he needs help with something, it's a priority. I'm so happy that he's got a great family that he's close to (since I'm not very close to mine), but is it selfish of me to wonder why his family always comes before me? I don't want the world to revolve around me, I just think that a significant other should be significant. I just wonder why he practically slaves over his parents making sure they're happy but never seems to make any more moves forward in our relationship. Because they're very tight-knit, I understand why he wants to keep them happy, but I agree that he's old enough to do what he wants and expect his parents to be okay with it.

2) That's a grave concern of mine. His parents are really old, but I don't want to feel like I'm just filling in the gaps once their dead and I move in. I am very concerned that we're just waiting for them to die (which I know he's not, he loves them) to get married. We've talked about moving in together, but he basically said he'd still be spending a significant amount of time helping his parents (ranging from all day, come home at night, like a job since he doesn't have one to only coming 'home' on weekends). So that was when I really started to question it. As I said, I'm willing to compromise travel for the house. It is an extremely nice but small home on 30 acres. Who would say no to that? I honestly would buy it if I saw it, it's the emotional side of the house that bothers me. I've been going over to "his parents'" house for years, and I'll always feel like I'm intruding. It just won't feel like mine since it didn't start that way. And the whole filling in the gaps thing... I don't want to join his life when we marry, I want us to join each other's lives. I feel like I'd be more of an addition to his life than a combination. Hard to explain. But the house is already paid off and great. Great area to raise kids in. I just have to get over it being his parents'...

3) I know he's comfortable where he is, which is why I stopped pressuring him to move out once I realized. I just think he should be comfortable with (or god forbid, want) just one sleepover too. I'm comfortable at my house but I spend the night with friends occasionally because I like spending time with them.

-- He's actually good with money when it matters, which is another clue that he wasn't wanting to move in as bad as I was. He's saved up all the money he saved in the year we talked about moving out in a few months for something else.

No, we both hate the way condoms feel. We use gel spermicide and only have sex the 2nd or 3rd day of my cycle. TMI warning, but it's not too gross by then (my period's really short) and the sperm will die in 5-10 days, but I won't ovulate for 11-15 days. I did a lot of research before deciding this. My cycle is unusually long, sometimes 6 weeks, so I almost always ovulate late. Thank you for your concern though. But I agree that it is dangerous which is why we rarely have sex.

[Fudgie]

lilow,

 

While I would never expect a long-term boyfriend to drop everything family-related for me all the time, I do think like you - significant others should be significant. Does he often blow you off for his family? I would be a little angry if I had made plans with my boyfriend (who, btw, lives with his grandparents while we both save to move out together this summer) and then if he either dumped/pushed those plans a few hours ahead because "Grandpa wants yardwork done now." I'd be like "Uhm, do it tomorrow? The house isn't going to fall apart if you don't."

I picked up on your own statement: I just wonder why he practically slaves over his parents. The whole thing with them not wanting him to sleepover and him "obeying" them makes me shake my head. He's going over to a girlfriend's house. He's twenty-freaking-six. Really, this to me is just red flags all over.

 

I think his whole "We'll move in but expect me to spend significant amounts of time at home" makes me go 'ick'. Makes me think of his statement that HIS PARENTS' house will always and only be "home" to him. If he really wants a long-term life with you, then he should be wanting to make a home WITH YOU, regardless of where. What he essentially is saying is "I am willing to live with you as long as I can spend a lot of time at my HOME and be at HOME." So essentially he has a HOME (Mommy and Daddy) and then a place with you. That is what I am reading here.

Honestly, I am all about compromise, but there are some things you should NOT compromise on, basic stuff. Obviously, don't compromise about the whole "do you want marriage/kids" issue. But the home issue is huge. The home is where you will want to spend your life. Sure, we compromise some when we buy a home in terms of size/features/rooms, that's fine, but do not compromise on a place if you feel emotionally weird with it/not comfortable. DO NOT. I honestly think if you put up with this and decided to compromise and live in this house, this will always be a source of resentment for you because he made you move into his parents' house. That place has emotional memories and still has "MOM" and "DAD" written all over it. Okay for him maybe, but not for you, and I absolutely think that you deserve to live in a house that you can feel at home at without having to feel like you're at your "in law's" house.

 

In short, you deserve to feel like you are building a life with your SO. Not being an add-on or a supplement. I want you to remember what you said: "I feel like I'd be more of an addition to his life than a combination." (your words). That is no way to feel in a relationship/marriage/anything.

 

I do understand some of where you're coming from on the house issue, I do. My boyfriend is going to inherit his grandparents' house (basically his parents' cause he isn't in contact with his mom and dad) when they die. I honestly wouldn't mind living in it. I've gotten over the emotional aspect of it but ONLY because I've spent a lot of time one-on-one there with my boyfriend only and the grandmother (the insane one) is concentrated in one room. She spends her days being a delusional alcoholic and drinks herself silly in this one bedroom. I don't like that room and honestly would just use it for storage and nothing else. If the emotional issue/memories were too much, absolutely, I could not see myself living there and would not want to. And I'd have no qualms telling my boyfriend too.

 

If he truly wants to move out, then he will be making the effort. I think it is easy to want to stay at home, esp for someone in his position, with a tight-knit family that seems to enjoy that weird sort of inmeshed dynamic. I do get the sense he is good with money. If he wants to move out, he will make it happen. He doesn't sound like a dumb guy. He sounds like a guy who likes the situation he's in.

 

There is something I'd like you to see, to think about. There is a poster here "married2011". Do a search for her on ENA. She has made 1-2 threads about her husband. Her situation is pretty extreme but basically, her husband's so attached to his mom and dad that he spends all his time with them and neglects her. Check out her threads. Just something to think about. I don't want to really tell you what to do here...just want to give you some feedback and maybe help you think about what's going on in a different light.

 

I hate condoms too and don't use them. I'm on the pill and have condom-less sex without worry. There is a great range for sperm to die in (as you said, 5-10 days) and yes, sometimes things get messed up and you can get pregnant. I'm sure you understand this risk. But it's nice to be on the pill (or something) and not have to worry about cycles, you know? You guys may really enjoy having way more sex to your liking, without stressing over your period, or worrying about your cycle. Just an idea.

[lilow]

Fudgie,

 

First of all I want to thank you outright for taking the time to help me.

 

No, he doesn't per se blow me off to do stuff with his parents... I know he likes coming over (the weird thing is, we spend a lot of time together... just never sleepovers) and he does, but often he'll come over late because Dad needed help fixing a fence/spraying weedkiller, tilling the garden, etc. But he usually stays the same amount of time, so it doesn't really bother me.

 

But as I said, if Dad needs help, it's done. But he has an aquarium, and when he had to leave early to feed the fish because he was trying to adjust their feeding schedule, I suggested he call his dad to feed them because he had only been at my house 15 minutes. "He won't do it." You slave over his needs, but he won't do one thing for you, and you're okay with that? This is getting really off topic (maybe, but as you said, his attachment to his parents might be the reason we don't have sleepovers). And he might have to drain his 75-gallon aquarium so his parents can replace the floor in his house, which will probably kill the fish because they're really sensitive to large water changes. He was upset, but seemed like there wasn't room for debate. It just seems like their wishes come first, then if they're happy, he can see what I'm doing.

 

I understand your concerns about the house, and I'm not too happy about it. But as I said, I don't think we're getting married until they die and that house is vacant (ugh...), so it's not a pressing issue. It's such a great deal though. 30 acres, 2 houses on the property, it's so quiet, and it's paid off. It has a well so there wouldn't be any water bills, enough room to build solar panels. It is just so perfect except I always felt like I was intruding there. I'm hoping this can all be fixed because I'd love for that to be our house someday, not his. And I've also thought of expanding it since it's pretty small, doing some major renovations. Maybe building myself a really nice office (always my favorite room), that way "my space" won't be where he grew up. Thoughts? He's really set in his ways, really doesn't like change, and considering he hates traveling too and was willing to compromise on that, it seems as if renovations would be the best middle ground for us. Instead of paying for a mortgage, I can renovate the house and make it as big as I want hypothetically since I'll have 30 acres.

 

The house is a part of it, but I'm scared about what happens when they die. If they die before we get married/move in together, we'll never have had our own place and I'll never know if building a life with me was more important than living in the room he grew up in. I'll never know if living with me is better than living with his parents. And when they die, there will be that awkward "when can I move in?" thing... I don't want my marriage to be triggered by his parents' death. I want him to decide on his own that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what, but as I said, his parents are old and the time is ticking I guess (they're in okay health but there have been a few incidents...) and I'm scared that they're going to die and from that point on I'll always have doubts about our marriage.

 

And I'm scared to ask him about it, and tell him my concerns because then if he proposes before they die I'll never know if it was because it was what he wanted or because he wanted me happy. And I really think he'd go that far out of his way to make me happy because he's really a great guy. I partially don't push the sleepover issue much because I know he would do it, but he wouldn't be enjoying it, so I don't really see the point.

 

I will check out that poster you described. And thank you again, I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy/selfish/controlling/clingy whatever about the sleepover issue. And the fact that his relationship with his parents has also bothered me for some time makes me think you're right about the two being connected.

 

I feel cautious approaching the subject in conversation because I don't want to come off like I'm jealous of his parents (which I guess I am to a certain extent but I'm not suggesting he cut ties, I just want to feel like I'm at least as important as his parents), and I don't want him to think that I don't want him to have such a good relationship with his parents. It seems wrong of me to say "Why do you like your parents so much?" I really don't like mine (they were great parents and they're nice people, I just don't really like them similar to the way you don't like the guy in the adjacent cubicle) and that seems to affect my judgement. I haven't seen my mom in months and couldn't care less, so why can't he go a night without seeing his? I am fully acknowledging that my judgement is affected by my poor relationship with my parents. To what extent do I have a right to objectively question this? Once again, I'm so happy he has a good relationship with his parents, but I want our relationship to be just as strong. And it is, with the exception of all the issues I mentioned here. Everything else is fantastic and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. There is a major event coming up in my life in about 6 months that he once mentioned rather nonchalantly that he hoped we'd be married by the time it happened, and we're nowhere near that, and I've been considering postponing it because I don't think it'll have the same meaning if all I can think of was "we were supposed to be married by now." Irrelevant, but a thought...

 

Thank you again, thank you, thank you, thank you. I really needed to see objectively and all of you have helped me.

[Silverbirch]

The only way you can know what is genuinely happening with your b/f is if he tells you and speaks honestly with you. We can only make assumptions about so many things. I do think it's a mistake to expect people to think and feel the same way we do, egs you don't miss not seeing your mother so you struggle with his closeness with his family. It doesn't mean either of you is wrong or right if each of you is doing what sits right for you personally. We all have different emotional make-ups despite what anyone tells you and we experience emotions in different ways to each other. We think differently, because we all have our own unique experience of life. There could be reasons for your b/f not staying over which haven't even occurred to you. I once had a b/f who had a spider phobia which he was even more phobic people would find out about, and he insisted that I not rent a specific lovely apartment I was interested in because he knew that the large trees around the apartments would attract spiders towards the house.

[Fudgie]

lilow,

 

Yeah, I see what you mean. He doesn't drop you outright but you do feel that you're sort of #2, always. That sort of stinks. And it's funny, because he really could have you all at #1 but it doesn't sound like he knows how to prioritize. Going home to feed the fish? I mean c'mon, that's silly. His dad could have done it instead of making his son waste gas. It's about knowing which person to tend to and not just dropping one for the other all the time, and for little things like that.

 

I think he is definitely very attached to his parents (going by many things here) and this is a symptom of that. Absolutely.

 

The whole "getting married after his parents die" thing makes me sad. You could be waiting a long time, you never know! I just had my grandmother die in her mid 90s. Guess how old my mom is? Late 50s! That would be a long time to wait if she had the plan of waiting to marry until her mom passed. You don't even know if they will be in THAT house until they die. They may very well need to go into a nursing home. I have no idea how your boyfriend would react but hopefully he'd be calm and rational, and not try to do anything stupid (like quit his job and be their caretakers all the time until death - Oye!) I do think you will be filled with questioning feelings if you guys did do that...waiting to marry until they are gone. People should get married when they want to AND are ready to...and I personally feel that's independent of parental figures. I do think this is an issue that NEEDS to be worked out, but not necessarily right at this minute. I think seeing if he actually wants to get out of the house is key. Once someone leaves home and starts forming a life of their own, things start to change. He wants to get married/have kids, yes, but right now, if the relationship is really to continue, he needs to want to actually move out. That's the first step, I'm sure you agree.

 

I think the renovations are a GREAT idea. To be honest, I didn't think about that. I think it's great. You could add-on to the house and that new part of the house will truly be YOUR own. I think it's a great way to compromise. He can have his house but you can add onto it. It's only fair in my mind, considering it sounds like what you would need to be comfortable there.

 

I don't think that you're being clingy/controlling/whatever. Something is up here. I think he is a little more...uh..attached at the umbilical cord than most, esp at his age. Of course, it's hard to say anything without offending. I don't think your relationship with your parents is necessarily coloring this though. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents (better with my dad than my mom) and my boyfriend has NO parental relationships. He has never had issue with me taking time to spend with my family or doing things for them when I need to. It's just different from his situation. You're not projecting/doing anything wrong here. You're picking up on something on instinct. Your boyfriend is (your words) "their slave", he's 26 and yet they "disapprove" of him sleeping over and he "OBEYS" them, he isn't taking initiative, he isn't saving up, etc.

 

To be honest, right now, I would not bring up the parents. That's something for a much later date, when you're ready. It's a touchy subject. However, the subject that needs to be brought up is your RELATIONSHIP. That's one thing, unlike his parental relationship, that you have control and some stake in. You need to talk to him about really coming up with a "game plan" for moving out. Ask if he still wants to, no pressure, but you need to know because you're starting to make concrete plans and so you need to know if he's on board. If the talk isn't fruitful, bring it up again later once he has had time to think. Talk about moving out (hypotheticals). My boyfriend and I do this all the time. Talk about groceries, apartments, bathroom habits, sleep habits, stuff to buy ahead of time, etc. Just to get him thinking about it, and later, even ask about his worries about moving out, and share some of your own. Try to get him to open up about the task at hand: moving out. Over time, you'll really start to have your answer on whether or not he's willing.

[lilow]

I really want to bring it up, not the parents thing but "our future." I bring it up a lot because as I said earlier, my concerns never really get answered. He'll make sense about why stuff is the way it is, but then it doesn't really make sense later. We used to talk about that stuff all the time. We'd go furniture shopping, we even stocked up on silverware and plates. He's so open about wanting to move out, and he talks like he really wants to but then so many other things contradict it. We had plans to go into business together (nothing fancy, don't want to include too many irrelevant details but we could have probably made good money with a little effort, we both share a common skill) and we talked about it and we were all excited but then he said he hated our job and didn't want to be doing it more than we already were. But then I saw how he really didn't want to move out, the whole weekend here, week at home deal, and decided he wasn't interested so I moved out on my own. I was tired of waiting and tired of feeling like I was going to be living with my parents forever because he just didn't want to live with me. I hated living with my parents, and wanted to be closer to school, him, and work, and I really value my privacy. Our time spent together because I now have my own place is so much better because his parents aren't constantly barging in with demands, but we don't spend more time together like he said, we spend less. I partially moved out so we could have more time and better time. The time is much better and I think that makes up for the shortened time, but once again it just doesn't feel right.

 

We actually are great at communicating, I just don't think it's fair for me to bring it up ALL THE TIME. We've talked about a lot of this before multiple times, but I still feel like I don't have any answers. But we never fight. We disagree but it's always really civil, one of my favorite things about us. I know I can talk to him about it but I don't want him to think that I'm asking for him to pop the question tomorrow and move in with me, and when he does ask me I'll never know why if I put the idea in his head first. I was just going to stick it out, but then I had the thought about always having doubts if his parents die first, and I'm kind of panicking. When we originally talked about marriage I always thought living together was just part of it. I don't know, I know I'm talking in circles, please forgive me. Ugh.

[finewhine]

Point #1: What about hormonal birth control? It does wonders to lessen PMS and regulate your cycle. If that's not to you're liking, you can get a non-hormonal IUD that's equally effective.

 

Point #2: Though I mostly agree with Fudgie, something jumped out at me: he is 26 and his parents support him completely. He doesn't work! Where I come from, they call that lazy. He doesn't want to anger his parents because they hold the purse strings. To think, he'd have to buy his own video games!

 

If you marry this fellow, you're marrying someone who has never lived on his own, never supported himself, and likely doesn't have the job skills necessary to do so. I'm just imagining him at a job interview: "No, I didn't work for X years--I was writing a novel." That'll get him laughed out of the office.

 

Now, for all I know, he has a massive trust fund and will never need to work. Great! And let's say, somehow, in addition to his massive trust fund, he becomes one of the few people who make a living wage exclusively from writing. That would be great, too!

 

But let's say he doesn't have a massive trust fund, that he gets just enough money from his family to squeak by. I have a friend in this situation, and even though he's married to a woman who out-earns him, he needs a job in order to pay for vacations, home improvement, his kids, things like that. Big expenses come up. Let's say you're the only one working and you lose your job--wouldn't it reassure you to have a partner that was able to cover your butt? More importantly, wouldn't it reassure you to have a partner who could get a job if he needed to? And equally important, at least to me, is having a partner with at least the motivation to support himself -- even at something crappy. But that's just me; you could be different.

 

And let me ask you this: why doesn't your boyfriend want to work? I know he wants to work on his writing, but there must be other reasons. Does he think he'll strike it rich with a bestselling novel? Does he think he's too good to work? Too special? Is he lazy?

 

Now about that book. Any time I hear about someone over the age of 25 who is trying to make it in a creative endeavor without bothering to find another means of making a living, I cringe. I'm in the writing field myself, and plenty of people I know, myself included, have had to take crappy jobs in order to pay the bills so they could continue doing what they love. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying a creative endeavor, not anything at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with working as a receptionist when you did well enough in school to become a lawyer so you have the time and energy to write.

 

When you actually work in a creative field--when you take the steps necessary to produce work that goes out into the world--you begin to understand just how hard it is to GET that art into the world, let alone to be one of those people who makes a living exclusively from your art. Has your boyfriend gotten an MFA? I'm not saying that everyone who wants to write a book needs an MFA--far from it--but, since he doesn't need to work and his parents support him, it seems silly for him not to get one. Has he published anywhere? Has he tried getting published anywhere? Is his writing any good?

 

The reason I'm asking you these questions is because, if you marry this man, you have to confront the very real possibility that he might never publish anything at all. Even if he does publish a book, that in no way guarantees a writing career, a substantial amount of money, or even a second book. Even famous writers have to work for magazines or teach college to supplement the income they earn from their books. He could be unaware of these realities. He could be aware of them but choosing to ignore them. What matters is he's not making an alternate plan for himself in the very likely instance he won't be the next J. K. Rowling.

 

So where does that leave him? Living with his parents. If you marry him, don't expect him to change. Don't expect him to move out, or to earn a living, or to stop bowing down to his parents. If that's cool with you, great. If it's not, then you'd better start looking for someone else.

[Heather Dawn]

Wow. This is really bizarre to me. You've been in a relationship with a 26-year-old man for 2.5 years, he's overly attached to his parents and his home, you only have sex every couple of months and he refuses to stay over at your place.

 

These are all gigantic red flags. I understand the sex thing is your choice, but it's still pretty unusual and makes me wonder if perhaps he's got something else going at night, which is why he won't stay over. But that aside, his attachment to and dependency on his parents is concerning. He's an adult living like a pre-teen. Not only is he spoiled by his parents, but you spoil him, too. You've plainly stated that you're more than willing to support him if he doesn't want to work. You're also willing to move into his family's home because he can't bear to leave. And you'll wait for his parents to die (?!) to get married. What exactly has HE sacrificed for you?