Need advice on how to handle my ex, help!

[sometimesjack]

Ok so I (Male, 25) have this ex-girlfriend (Female, 22) who I've been apart from for about 5 years (we'd been together 3 years before that point), although we've seen each other occasionally during that time we've never tried to re-establish our relationship. We've both been involved in other serious and non-serious relationships since we split.

 

My problem is that she doesn't seem to want to leave me alone, we go through periods of several months of no contact only for her to send me an SMS out of the blue. If I respond to these messages we might make small talk back-and-forth for a couple of messages and then she just doesn't respond. Then I'll leave it again until the whole thing repeats itself a few months later.

 

My question is what is she really up to? Why would she even feel the need to send these messages only to cease contact again after a short while? Also what would be your best advice as to how I should handle the situation when she sends me her next message?

Thanks

[corgidude]

A guy I know (friend of a friend) had a term for this, it was something he used to do with some of the women he'd dated. He referred to it as "putting them on ice." Basically, if he wasn't really interested in keeping the relationship going, he would do this, and keep them just far enough where he could pursue other options, but not so far that he could still get back together with them.

 

Sounds like she's doing the same. She's just keeping you engaged enough to feel like she can still come back to you if she needs to, but until then, she has no interest. She might even be in a relationship right now that she worries might go south, so she's trying to keep you as an option for a safety net: someone she can rebound to if it all goes down.

 

I could be wrong, but that's my guess.

[GetOverItPlz]

I guess the beter question is- what do you want from this, if anything?

 

It sounds like, 5 years later, she's probably just checking in on you. Maybe?

 

Or maybe she is getting the inkling to try to make a run at you, but isn't sure if you still have an interest, so she's "testing the waters".

 

The most important question is- would you entertain a second run at things? Or did something bad happen with you guys when you split up?

 

Figure out what you want first, and if it's even worth thinking about. Once you get that squared away, next time she contacts you... ask her out for a lunch...... or just ignore her if you don't care anymore at all.

 

edit: corgidude also has a good take on it.

 

Maybe she's trying to position herself for the downfall of a current relationship, and remembers you as a nice little chance to entertain herself.

 

Or she could legitimatly have interest in you again. Who knows. That's why you just gotta know what you want from it, and if you want nothing, just quit responding. If you do, just reach out to her when you hear from her. I'm assuming enough time has passed that you don't care, either way.

[sometimesjack]

Thank's guys that's really great advice, you've both been very helpful.

 

Corgidude: I suspect she may be just the type of person to do this, once I didn't send her a message for a while because I was busy and a few days later she started calling me, I suspected she was worried that she'd left me "on ice" too long or something. I think if you're accurate I can tie it in with Getoveritplz's advice and just face up to it, rather than playing along with her game, I'll soon know what her real intentions are.

 

Getoveritplz: I'd completely forgotten that I shouldn't worry about her intentions really, you're right in that all I should think about it is if I'd want a second run, which I don't think I do. When she broke up with me it broke my heart and it's taken a long time for me to get better, she has been in all kinds of trouble since then too (I know because she often updates me even though I don't want to know) and I don't want to be involved with that. I think I may just tell her next time I want to meet to discuss things (she often avoids this when I've suggested it before) and if she doesn't want to meet then tell her I've had enough. I do care enough not to be mean, I'm naturally a very giving person and I do feel some people have taken advantage of that in the past.

Also I know she has another ex since me that she has had troubles with, maybe shes run into problems with him again and is wanting to see if I'm still around in case she feels vulnerable (she's unfortunately the kind of girl who places a lot of her self-worth on male attention).

Either way I think you're right, if I can get her to meet with me for lunch or coffee or something then I'll know and if she won't meet with me then I'll have my answer too.

 

I've got more thinking to do than I realized!

 

Thanks so much guys

[EgoJoe]

My advice is to put her on ice until she either reveals her intentions or leaves you alone forever.

 

It sounds like a GIGS Ex doing a checkup now that she is probably calmed down a bit, on the real dating scene and seeing how hard it is plus how many jackasses who have the mentality that she used to.

 

If you ignore her and she calls you pickup and say, "Hello who is this?" whatever she says you reply with, "Oh hiii, hey, I've got company. I'll call you later."

 

Then don't. She'll call again and try to get your attention that way.

[sometimesjack]

Ha Egojoe that is cold! It's worth considering though, it's basically how she treated me when she first broke up with me.

 

She does sometime mention how nice I was and how her other partners have been jerks. Maybe she wants to just date these guys, but try and keep me in "reserve" if she gets fed up playing the field or wants to settle down or something.

[EgoJoe]

Ha Egojoe that is cold! It's worth considering though, it's basically how she treated me when she first broke up with me.

 

She does sometime mention how nice I was and how her other partners have been jerks. Maybe she wants to just date these guys, but try and keep me in "reserve" if she gets fed up playing the field or wants to settle down or something.

 

You can think of it as cold or you can think of it as self-respect.

 

The reality is that you are putting her in a position where she has to reveal her intentions in order to make contact the second time.