went on trip with ex - perfect trip, terrible ending

[kouri]

i just have to put this out there… i'm not going to justify my actions because i probably had this coming to me. but i've kept this from ALL my friends and i have no one to turn to and i'm just upset now wanting to rant.

 

i went on a weekend trip with the ex. i just came back from it. it was pretty amazing. we went to a nearby island, had the place practically to ourselves. i live in the city, and this was the first time i saw the milky way. we were there for 2 days and 2 nights.

 

first night we just laid under the stars, we went biking around the island the next day, and snorkeled. we had dinner and slept under the stars, along with a campfire the owners helped set up. it was a quiet weekend, so we had the fire and all to ourselves. we talked about many things, about his ex-gfs, about my ex-bfs, etc, but i didn't want to probe into his current life because i've learnt that "you shouldn't ask questions you don't want answers to", and we acted like a couple.

 

however, after we left the island, everything changed. he became quiet and distant. due to some administrative error, we took the early boat back, and i asked whether he wanted to have dinner - he said no, it was too early. i said we could do a movie and dinner - and he said no, it was "inconvenient" because he had lots to do for work the next day. which was ironic because if we took the later boat home like we planned, we wouldn't even be home yet.

 

but he just became cold and distant once we left the island… and i won't be messaging him again - there's nothing to say. if he wanted me he had the perfect chance to say it then, but he's already shown his true colours.

 

i'm trying to smile because it happened, not cry because it's over, it's hard.

it feels surreal. it just hurts now, and i feel like, the past two days never happened, that it was all just a dream.

it's like - i had an amazing time, but the fact that we will not talk to each other anymore… it feels like - did it even happen? were we really there and acting that way?

 

i can't stop crying. i can't blame him because he's always been very clear about his feelings - in fact i'm pretty sure he was messaging some girl when we came back.

 

i know i'll be fine, i'm just hurting so badly now now.

[Batya33]

Is it possible he showed his true colors the entire weekend? Meaning, he didn't promise to get back together with you and you chose not to ask him about that. So he enjoyed the time for what it was and then realized at the end it was time to return to reality. Can you just enjoy the memories of the trip and understand that it wasn't meant to continue into real life as a couple?

[lavenderdove]

I read your other threads, and i think this guy just wants to be friends and you are looking for signs it is more and trying to push for more time with him as a 'sign' that it will go back to the way it was.

 

You had a nice weekend, then when you're back, you're already pushing for more time with him. He may have specifically refused it if he sensed you are getting too excited about him and have expectations that you'll be more than friends or spend a lot of time together.

 

I don't think that you're ready to be friends with him because you want more. It's been 8 months since the breakup, and he may be thinking you should be over it by now and OK with just friends. While you're still hoping it will end up being more. so I think he showed you he just wants to be friends. I know that is really really hard on you now, but this gives you an opportunity to really work on accepting this and healing and letting go.

 

I would suggest that you stop interacting with him and stop trying to be friends. Just be honest with him, and tell him you still had hope you'd get back together, but obviously he doesn't feel the same way so it is time for you to work on letting go and need to stop communicating with him until you are better. Then don't contact him or accept contact from him until you are happy and have someone new or don't care anymore. Seeing him on and off and trying to be friends is holding you back because you are still attached to him, and your task is to heal and move on so you can have a happy life with someone who does want to be your BF.

 

So work on letting go and finding new hobbies, new friends and old friends other than him to do things with. You can have fun and enjoy your life, but hanging onto him is holding you back from that so you need to really just spend some time grieving and hurting and really accepting it is over, then you can dust yourself off and get on with your life. But you have to really let go to do that.

 

The moment you decide to let go (or recognize you must let go) is hard, but you will heal and get better rather than living in limbo forever. One of the most uncomfortable places in the world to be is desperately hanging onto hope for something that just isn't happening. It takes a lot of emotional energy to continue to hang on, and frankly it can be quite a relief to let go and stop chasing after him mentally once you get past the initial pain of the recognition you need to let go. You're in the initial pain right now, but in a week or so you may start to find relief if you firmly decide to cut him off and stop hanging on when all he wants is a friend.

[calichick007]

I read through your old posts as well, and you definitely need to let this go once and for all. At this point, you've been broken up for 3-4x as long as you were together. I know short-term relationships can be difficult to get over as well, but you are really torturing yourself/prolonging your healing here. This guy has been blatantly honest about the fact that he uses you and takes advantage of you when he's lonely and/or has nothing better to do. The fact that you continue to go back for more affirms to him that you have low self-esteem and are a perfect candidate for being used. I hate to be harsh, but he's been telling you for months - both through his words and his actions - that he definitely does not want you. You've become the girl he can call up when he's bored or has nothing else going on, then forget about/ignore until the next time he's lonely. You have to know internally that you're worth more than that. You deserve someone who respects you and wants to be in your company because they enjoy the person you are - not just because they have nothing else going on. Until you believe that for yourself, you'll be stuck here (or in another situation that mirrors this one).

[kouri]

thanks guys, that's exactly why i can't tell my friends, because like you guys said, this has been dragging on for way too long. the thing is we have done this tango 3-4times already, each time i'm "moving on", he seems to be able to sense it, and me, being stubborn or more likely in denial - convince myself i can be friends with him, a lunch won't be harmful etc. and that's when things start going downhill again.

 

the funny thing is, before we went on this trip, i told him about my reservations and he mentioned that he "didn't want to play with me anymore so he will not attempt to sleep with me whatsoever". however, he made all the moves this past weekend. i tried to stay guarded against him, especially when we first arrived, because of the whole "we're just friends" thing, but he didn;t.

 

thing is, we have already booked another trip, in a month. so even if i did want to let go, it'll be after that trip, and who knows what can of worms that trip will open up. plus, this has just gotten so awkward after the weird goodbye just now... i just don't wish to talk to him because i feel used. it wouldn't have been as awkward if we could just have acted normally. but no, he did a total 180 right when we made our way back.

 

Batya: we both enjoyed this weekend, i know that, and i would love to just appreciate the memories for what they were, but i guess what upsets me is that the "promise" that he wouldn't try anything on me (since i was "fragile), turned out to be fake. he did it anyway, knowing i wasn't ready for it, then totally blew me off at the end of the trip.

 

i think this is just one person that will continue to be toxic to me the remainder of my years. and it's true what they say, the only way exes can be friends is if you don't think about it and just let it happen one day. only one ex has remained my friend, and a distant one at that, and we only started talking two years after. as for another of my ex, i used to think the world of him, i felt like we were awesome together, then he broke my heart, and i stopped talking to him. he has made contact sporadically and more so recently but i refuse to respond each time, because i don't feel the need to have him in my life, and he was someone i really thought very very highly of. and i think it's supposed to be like that. i shouldn't have to think that i need this guy in my life as a friend whatsoever. i'm supposed to be non-emotional about it but for some reason he just seems to keep coming back and i LET it happen ni this particular case each time. i don't know why i have no willpower whatsoever when it comes to him - and the rs happened eight months ago! he's the only one so far i can't say no to.

[Lambert]

Kouri

 

I agree with Lavenderdove..... This has to be so draining! Give yourself some space from him. If you do, in time, you will see that you really don't want to be with him. You want love, respect, companionship. Leave yourself open to new experciences and ultimately meeting someone new. Be kind to yourself, keep busy.... Hugs to you!!

[calichick007]

I don't know how many different ways he can show you he doesn't care about your feelings, Kouri. A lot of people have to deal with exes who feed them lines about how they still care, they still have feelings, etc. He's told you straight up he doesn't see this as anything more than friends/physical, doesn't have feelings for you, and uses you because he's lonely. You keep saying he comes back "for some reason," as if you don't know what the reason is. He's told you the reason - he comes back only when he is bored/lonely/has nothing else to do. Keep repeating that to yourself. So of course he blows you off when he feels less lonely. And why should he look out for your feelings when you don't? You can tell him you can't handle being friends, can't handle having sex, can't handle XYZ until you're blue in the face - but you keep going back. You can't get on his case for disregarding your feelings when you disregard your own feelings by continuing to put yourself in situations where you know full well you'll only end up hurt. Both of you are disrespecting you, but which is worse???

 

I know you probably won't, but you should cancel whatever other trip you have booked with him. If you lose money on it, so be it. I guarantee you he'd cancel on you if something "better" came up.

[laura-j]

I'm getting annoyed just reading this... not at you... I had a guy like this in my life a few years ago, super good friends, then short relationship, then he back and forthed straight up messed with my head for like 6 months, wanting to do coupley things with me and then getting mad at me when I mentioned getting back together, then the next day he'd tell me that of course he still thought about being with me, and on and on and on. It was a nightmare. Took me almost a year to get over a 3 month fling.

 

I got out of it once I met someone else, so I told him about the new guy, he hung up on me, then he started emailing, showing up and posturing etc... it was freaking crazy. He didn't want me, but no way could I be with someone else. He even told me that he thought I made up the new guy, when it didn't work out. (I did not)

 

Only way I got over him was to just get over the treatment. I had to do it in my own time, made my friends NUTS. Everyone could see what I see now. Finally one day I just had enough of the pull push... it was after he wanted to snuggle, just as friends, in bed, while wearing no clothes... You know like you do with your friends. (I'm getting annoyed just thinking about him). After a year of not talking to him I was able to email just to say hi, and I could see him or whatever now, while he was really great in some ways, the negatives FINALLY outweighed the positives.

 

Anyone who thinks that you can be their buddy right after breaking your heart is selfish. The one heart I know I broke, I never contacted him again even though I missed him (and still do) as a friend, because, I know I hurt him and that would not be fair to offer hope that didn't exist.

 

Cancel the trip or go with another friend instead. You do not need to have weekend vacations with someone who hurt you.

[kouri]

i know, i think there's something wrong with me, i keep going back to something that gives me pain - it's like i'm addicted. i know clearly wht i should do, but i always go back anyway. and to be honest, i've had many opportunities to simply move on, but somehow my heart always manages to convince my head that "we can be just friends."

 

i don't know what to do now. on one hand, i don't want to talk to him, on the other, i feel like i should say something, like how i don't appreciate being blown off like that. i feel like i'm always letting him get away with murder. i mean, in a way i knew what i was getting myself into - i knew there was a possibility it could have turned out to us being all coupley - but i never expected him to act this way and totally pretend that nothing happened once we left. i don't know what iw as expecting him to do - definitely not say he wanted to get back together, but to he didn't even seem to want to talk to me once we departed. like i was a stranger he couldn't wait to get away from. and that's not okay...

 

also, what do i do about me? how do i heal and stop feeling this way? the memories of the past weekend keep flooding my head and it makes me feel horrible. it feels like i'm crazy and i simply imagined the weekend - it never happened. i feel so disconnected.

[Lambert]

Ok... first of all... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! You do need to work on your recent choices.

 

Second, you are convincing yourself that you can't get past this guy. From your own words, you have had opportunities to break away. I can relate to this. Like you meet someone and you start reminscing in your head about what they lack in comparison to your ex. This simple means you are not that into them. It's not that your ex is so unbeatable.

 

How do you heal, you ask? Well... you start by being a better friend to yourself then you are to him. You beat yourself up and forgive him at every turn. Well, you are never going to win at that game.

 

You don't owe him anything. Not an explanation, not a final good bye, nothing. You owe NOTHING. Focus on yourself and loving yourself first. Do some shopping, eat a piece of juicy summer fruit on the porch, take a nap.... every time you want to talk to him and think you might contact him-- do something else.

 

In time he will contact you. His ego will make him. When that happens you ignore him. Sometimes I find the finality of things makes me feel bad. So tell yourself you will talk to him again, when you are better.

 

It's all about choices... you have a choice. And here it is: give your supportive, loving, friendship to a man that continues to take take take. Or give your love and support to a beautiful woman that needs protecting and walk away from him to live a peaceful content life with someone else.

 

It might take some time... but try to fall for someone that deserves you. You don't have to settle for this BS!

[laura-j]

Looking back there must be something about the drama I was attracted to. As much as I'm totally hurting with the latest break up, I don't want any drama around it. The choices are he comes back or he doesn't. I take him back or I don't. And until something happens there is nothing I can do. So I'm doing that. Spending some time on ENA and TRYING (read: failing) not to focus on him.

[kouri]

lambert - you are right about the ego part, he will somehow start messaging me after awhile of NC. and that's the part when i think about being friends because of the good memories we had, another lie i tell myself. actually, now that i think about it, he ignored me once, so what's wrong in me ignoring him if in the long-run, that's whats better for me? i've always survived NC with him, so sometimes i wonder why i keep going back. although i will admit, my heart does skip a beat when he starts messaging me out of the blue after a period of NC.

 

laura - yes the drama, i think in a way i'm addicted to it. reminds me of that goyte song where it goes "you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness".

 

it's so much more complicated when i have to decide whether to go on the trip or otherwise. i know no one will understand, but i really, really wanna go. not because of him, but because i love travelling.

 

sometimes, i just can't wait to fall in love all over. i look at my friends and wonder when that's ever gonna happen to me.