Confused about feelings for partner of 7 years

[artsyfaerie]

Hi, I have been struggling with my feelings now for well over a year, possibly 2 years or more.

Basically I didn't feel appreciated by my partner. He would stare at other women, especially when we were out.

I felt as though everyone could see what was going on and I felt humilliated. This has happened many times. Maybe a more secure person would not be bothered by this but I find staring, not just looking, to be very disrespectful. One time a woman was dancing very seductively towards him and he turned his back on me to watch her and drool.

He'd had a few drinks at the time.

There was also a time when I sensed there was someone else. There was a woman at his work, he lied about her working there, and then at the works do he admitted she's been there for months, she grabbed his bum in front of me. I walked out and he swore nothing had happened. I still don't know to this day. If nothing did though, i wonder if he lead her on to some extent. Maybe I am just insecure because i have been cheated on in previous relationships but I am afraid of being hurt again.

 

This caused me to feel hurt. I worked out at the gym, tried to keep on top of the house and looked after myself to try and please him. But I did not feel like I was enough for him (I am attractive though.)

Anyway he is good to me in so many ways, and i made him aware of how much it hurt me. He tries harder, but my feelings have already changed. I felt numb for awhile like I had no emotions. Now we get along, but I feel more like we are friends living together, i still love him but in a caring way. Is this normal after 7 years? We have no children.

Since my feelings changed I felt very attracted to another man who paid me attention, I did nothing about it, but I eventually left that job. Now there is another man I am very attracted to, I'm not sure if i have feelings... We have everything in common. I think he likes me too, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt anyone as i don't know what I want anymore. I can't stop thinking about this person and i think it is wrong for me to feel this way. I would never cheat, and I am trying to be a good person. I wouldn't jump from one relationship to another either. I feel very alone and I don't know what to do about how I feel.

[usesunscreen]

Well I am not very experienced but I had two 5 year relationships. I think its normal to feel attraction to other people after long relationships but it is what we do with those feelings that matter. Even if you would leave him and start a new relationship with the other guy that has everything in common with you, it would be the same after years.

 

What you should ask yourself is: Is he good to you? The only problem is that he looks at other women? Trust me, all men do. Not all do it in front of the wife/girlfriend, but all do.

 

But to turn his back on you and look at other women is not acceptable. You are right to be be angry. I am not sure if my advise is good but if you are in a stage where it would not hurt you so much to leave him, you are in a better position to be stronger in your discussions with him. Some people only really listen to the partner when they think they lost him or might lost him.

 

Use the fact that other men want you, to feel good and think positive, to make you stronger in your demands for respect and increase your self-esteem... but dont cheat. Try to solve your relationship, be strong, if he is a good man and good to you, in this cases, many times the grass is not greener.

 

but also dont be a doormat. If he his disrespecting you, you should not allow it.

[abitbroken]

You have to end this relationship before picking up with someone else, for sure. It is not acceptable any other way.

 

But as far as your guy, keeping house better and cooking and cleaning better does NOT change this or influence what he does. You need to set firmer boundaries. He misbehaves...you treat him even better to hope that he doesn't again. Next time he blatantly does this - go spend a few days at a friends house (be calm about it) or kick him out of the bedroom, etc. Right now, he has it pretty good - the more he misbehaves, the more you think its you and aim to please him more.

[artsyfaerie]

I used to do all of those things like, cooking cleaning working out. But lately I have given up a little. I did stay at my friends house the week before last, because I felt like I couldn't carry on feeling unsure. I came home, but I still felt unsure of my feelings towards him.

In answer to use sunscreen, that is the only problem. Everything else is fine. Apart from the fact that I don't think i love him the same way i used to.

 

I think It must be very obvious that I like the other guy, and I think I should try and distance myself from him. The trouble is I work with him, and often we work alone together. i love my job though and I don't want to leave. We haven't actually said that we both like each other but we both know. He sometimes says things with double meanings and I know what he means. I find myself doing the same thing and i know it's wrong. I don't want to lead him on it's difficult when all I want to do is hug him. This is wrong i know, and i don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[Coconut Twin]

Sounds like your relationship is coming to a head, what with the boyfriends disrespectful antics and you seeming to be drifting away from him because of it.

 

I think if you're having feelings for a certain guy and find yourself looking further afield in general, I really do think you should think about calling time on your relationship. Do you still love your boyfriend?

[RedDress]

I find it somewhat ironic how the thread is started with you being upset that your bf looks at other women and the thread is ended with you talking about how you like another guy. I mean... just to give another perspective... I kind of think what you are doing is worse than what he was doing. He was just looking (albeit too long) and maybe had his butt squeezed (could that even have been a joke?). You are actively flirting with someone you work closely with every day (not a stranger) and thinking about being with the other guy in a relationship way... Pot meets kettle?

 

I think it's normal in any long relationship that you will feel attraction to other people at some point. As someone else said, it's what you do about it that matters. (This goes for BOTH you and your bf... maybe you should be cutting him some slack since you can now understand his position?)

 

Clearly, you are not happy in your relationship. You probably need some more excitement. A goal. Some spark. A more active sex life. An adventure.

 

I think this is a case of the seven-year itch. Your complaints about your relationship are not uncommon ones (not to say they are ok - but you may have the same problem with another man...) - nor are they terrible ones.

 

This is the make or break. I'd really think about whether you want to trudge through (you WILL likely get through to the other side if you bunker down, commit, and try to spice up your relationship) or if you want to call it quits. After 7 years? I would definitely try...

[artsyfaerie]

There is no excuse for it I know. I never behaved that way until very recently because I knew I loved him and would never even dream of feeling that way about someone else. I felt like I didn't know if I loved him anymore.

I knew I did deep down but maybe just had to find it again.

I am trying and telling myself to commit, but it still doesn't feel like I have in my heart. But I am trying.

[abitbroken]

There is no excuse for it I know. I never behaved that way until very recently because I knew I loved him and would never even dream of feeling that way about someone else. I felt like I didn't know if I loved him anymore.

I knew I did deep down but maybe just had to find it again.

I am trying and telling myself to commit, but it still doesn't feel like I have in my heart. But I am trying.

 

If after 7 years you are not committed to him by now, I hate to say it, but you probably will not ever if all 7 years were adult, not teen years. You should meet someone and eventually think after an appropriate amount of time. "Wow. I love this man. I can't think of anyone better or more suited to me. It's a no brainer. we are great together. This is the guy I want to marry. it's only a matter of time, not a matter if I want to be with him or not." I am still very smitten with my boyfriend, even though we didn't "just meet."

 

If commitment is something you have to take a deep breath and then try to convince yourself that this guy is the one, then you should no longer be together and be free after healing to find someone who thinks you are wonderful and you think is wonderful, too. No matter how well you keep house or take care of him, things are not going to change

[abitbroken]

btw, everyone struggles with their feelings or freak out when things seem too "real" or final, but those feelings for me are a fleeting moment of fear or uncertainty, and I mean, a quick thought that gets squashed in an instant not a "2 year struggle."