too friendly? flirty? acceptable or not?

[usesunscreen]

Hello

 

I have some issues with my girlfriend but I will focus only in one because it was the kind of thing after the discussion she still does not agree and is just not doing it because I dont want. I dont want be closed minded so I try to get other opinions.

 

I am 30, she is 26.

 

She is very friendly person towards persons of all sexes and ages. She trusts too much people that she does not know. It shows that she has a good heart but on the other hand it is not smart to be like that some times. It was just some background about her...

 

Going straight to the issue.

 

On her job she has to give training to colleagues from other cities from time to time, normally during a 2 weeks period and perhaps again some months later with new or the same colleagues. It is common that during this training they make dinners all together once a week. On the last training one guy (that she said he has a girlfriend for long time) gave her a book saying that he thinks it can help her in her professional and private life and saying thank you for the training and that he hopes that they see each other again and that they should.

 

She has contact from time to time with all her students... Until here fine...

 

 

when me and her were on holidays in san francisco, she mentioned that this guy asked her to take a picture of her with a flower in her head (you know the song) and to send it to him.

 

here is where I dont like it and where the discussion started. Knowing her personality I am sure that there is nothing from her side not even flirty intentions if she sent the photo but I dont think it is acceptable that she sends a picture of her to a guy that she saw for some days and they are not close friends. I would have absolutely no problem if she send the photo to a male friend that she knows for years.

 

I just think it is not acceptable and I told her that she could not do it, because he is not a true friend of her, flirty for me. She did not send it but did not like that I forbid her to do that and she does not understand why. In my opinion she should not even think about doing it, it is not appropriate.

 

what do you think?

[BrandiBroken]

Well, my issues lies in the "I told her that she could not do it."

 

I don't think sending a picture is flirty or wrong. You even pointed out yourself above it wasn't anything to do with flirting. And who she sends a picture to is her own business, as long as it isn't indecent I would believe.

[notalady]

I just think it is not acceptable and I told her that she could not do it, because he is not a true friend of her, flirty for me. She did not send it but did not like that I forbid her to do that and she does not understand why. In my opinion she should not even think about doing it, it is not appropriate.

 

what do you think?

 

It sounded all fine until this bit!

 

Maybe this guy is being overly friendly and may be after something, and your instinct may be right, but forbidding her to send a picture? That's pretty rude and demanding. I would be offended by that demand if it was me, in fact, I might even send it just out of spite!

 

Obviously your girlfriend seems quite easy going and accommodating to all, including yourself. You may be worried about her but you have no right to "forbid" her to do anything even if you are her boyfriend, and she has the right to not like it!

 

Your intentions are good - to protect her from people with ulterior motives - but you should approach it differently, she's not a child, you can't just tell her to do things without explaining why. You can tell her why you think it's not appropriate, and let her know your doubts about this guy. If you want to protect her, bring it to her attention, "educate" her if you will, so she can protect herself from un-trustworthy people.

[usesunscreen]

is her own business? why should she send a picture a guy she almost does not know? You wouldn't care if you boyfriend just met a new girl and if she would ask him to send a picture, that he sends it?

 

I said that there are no flirty intentions from her side at the moment, I dont know what are his intentions. Saying that they should meet again and to send him a picture.

[notalady]

is her own business? why should she send a picture a guy she almost does not know? You wouldn't care if you boyfriend just met a new girl and if she would ask him to send a picture, that he sends it?

 

I said that there are no flirty intentions from her side at the moment, I dont know what are his intentions. Saying that they should meet again and to send him a picture.

 

You can tell her what you think about the situation and that you are not comfortable with it, but ultimately the decision is hers to make, so yes it is "her own business" in that sense.

 

You just made the decision FOR her, that's what she doesn't like. If she is a sensible person and considerate girlfriend, and like you said has no flirty intentions with this guy, she would have made the same decision anyway. You didn't give her that chance.

[usesunscreen]

wait a second... I wrote a short version here. It was not like "I forbid you and there is no conversation about it". I talked to her about it, and I did not say the word forbid, but I made her know that I would be really upset if she did it. (I thought even if she does it I will break up). I didn't make directly the decision for her but I guess I did indirectly because she knows I would be really angry.

 

I told her that she should use that kind of time and work "put a flower in her head and make a picture on purpose" to send it to a real friend of family person that she knows that really likes her, and not to a guy that she barely knows.

 

I also thought that as he barely knows her that there are only 2 options here for his motives. Or he was just having a superficial talk and it means nothing and he would put the picture where he would lose it in time, as I doubt he will put this picture in his and his girlfriend fridge. Or he likes her and he has flirty intentions.

[notalady]

I see, did you explain to her your suspect of his intentions? And what was her response to that?

[usesunscreen]

well she does not understand why it is bad. And that is why I am here because for me its clear. I would never to that. Think about it, your wife/husband meets a new person through work, they barely know each other, and then sends a picture of her/him to his new person.

 

bottom line, the question is, is it acceptable or not that a woman in a relationship sends a picture of her to a guy that she barely knows?

[notalady]

I wouldn't say it's unacceptable so long as the picture itself is not inappropriate. It may not be something you choose to do, but she may consider it not a big deal at all. Just different opinions.

 

To put it in perspective, (some) people put their photos on facebook for the public to see for god sakes!!

 

However, I agree that what the action might bring about is a worry, if she can't understand it and if this guy keeps pestering her, then I guess you just have to be patient and try to communicate with her more about it.

[usesunscreen]

Its completely different to put a picture on facebook and to send it directly to a person.

 

I accept she has male friends, I accept she talks to people she does not now, I don't accept flirting.

 

For your information, and thats perhaps why in part I am so unflexible with this, couple of years back, when she was single, she got involved with a married man that did not tell her from the beginning that he was married. He told her months after getting to know her and after getting physical and after she was already in love with him. He promised he was getting divorced which didnt happen and then she stopped contact him but it was not easy has he tryed to keep her with all sort of promises and love words.

 

Again she trusted a guy that he had good intentions. Even if she did not have this in the past I dont accept flirty behaviour in a relationship.

 

To flirt is never a problem, until it is a problem.

[Snny]

I just think it is not acceptable and I told her that she could not do it, because he is not a true friend of her, flirty for me. She did not send it but did not like that I forbid her to do that and she does not understand why. In my opinion she should not even think about doing it, it is not appropriate.

 

what do you think?

 

Personally? The book gift is ok. The guy specifically asking her to take a photo of herself with flowers in her hair is a very unusual request. Nevertheless, he isn't asking for nude or flirtatious pictures of her.

 

What I also think is that you did not communicate this issue effectively to her and she now thinks you are being overly insecure. The question should be why on earth this guy wants a specific photo of her?

[notalady]

You said she doesn't have flirty intentions, so she is just unsuspecting. And probably doesn't consider sending a picture to be a big deal or didn't care either way.

 

If you can't make her understand the implications, I guess you are right to "forbid" her from doing it!

 

P.S while I don't think it's unacceptable per se, I, like you, wouldn't do it myself.

[usesunscreen]

Personally? The book gift is ok. The guy specifically asking her to take a photo of herself with flowers in her hair is a very unusual request. Nevertheless, he isn't asking for nude or flirtatious pictures of her.

 

What I also think is that you did not communicate this issue effectively to her and she now thinks you are being overly insecure. The question should be why on earth this guy wants a specific photo of her?

 

as I said in my first post I didnt have a problem with the book gift. And excluding asking for a naked picture cause that is really not the point, what is a flirty picture for you? To ask for a specific picture and to send it, is a flirty action, there is no such thing like flirty picture.

[anna0511]

Umm... no. That would not be ok by my standards. I would be really upset if my boyfriend did that to me, and he would be just as angry if I did that to him. I don't even consider us jealous people! A degree of flirting with people of the opposite sex while in a relationship is inevitable, yet I think acquiescing to an odd request like that is completely disrespectful and unacceptable. It is flirtatious, and I honestly don't know anyone who would engage or condone in that kind of behaviour. In fact, I wouldn't even send a normal picture of myself to someone like that. There are enough on FB, and it's just plain creepy. And worse, it was a trip you were taking together!

 

I think you are underestimating her intentions. They may not be malicious, but no one can be so naive to think its entirely harmless. And even if she really has a good heart and not an ounce of desire for attention, then she should at least be able to see things from your perspective.

[Celadon]

Well, the practical solution is simply to be in the picture with her. If she doesn't like that idea, then perhaps something IS wrong. But if shes OK with it, then she knows the colleague was just being silly and with no intentions.

 

I wouldn't like my bf sending a picture of himself to any other woman, but it would be his not wanting me to be part of the picture that would cause me to question what's going on.

 

On the other hand, your gf did tell you about this, so it's not like she's hiding anything or intending to start a relationship with this guy. Sounds like you just want to know where she would draw the line. You want assurance that she will protect your relationship.

[Stay_home]

Take the picture with her if it bothers you that much. First of all, you both get what you want. She gets to send the picture to her colleague/trainee and you get to convey the message through the picture that she's taken. Hopefully if the guy has any bad intentions that will be enough for him to back off. It really is just a picture though, I'm not so sure I would take that to heart. I wouldn't take it to heart unless it was a photo of her in the bathroom with her legs spread wide open, her tongue hanging out of her mouth or wearing lingerie or something of that extreme. As long as it isn't of her nude or sexual in nature, I wouldn't worry about it.

[BrandiBroken]

is her own business? why should she send a picture a guy she almost does not know? You wouldn't care if you boyfriend just met a new girl and if she would ask him to send a picture, that he sends it?

 

I said that there are no flirty intentions from her side at the moment, I dont know what are his intentions. Saying that they should meet again and to send him a picture.

Yes, it is her own business. It's a picture of her. Is she "allowed" to post pictures online of herself? Do you control everyone who sees her face-picture or otherwise? So of course it's her own business. It's a picture, a joking fun friendly picture as YOU pointed out. Who she chooses to send it to is up to her.

 

If my boyfriend sent a picture to someone then that is his business. It's HIS face. And as long as it isn't in an inapprorpriate and is having fun then so be it. If I did have a problem with it because of OTHER things going on not just the simple fact of him sending it then I'd discuss it, not demand and control what he does. I'm not his parent or prison guard.

 

If she meant no harm by it then that's all that matters.

[BrandiBroken]

Other people are bound to flirt with the person you are with at some point or another. You can't control that. It's what THEY do, the person you are with-what THEY do that matters. If she's not flirting by any standards then making a big deal over a picture of all things is ridiculous. It's just her goofing off and sending a friendly picture. It doesn't matter how long she knows someone or how well, it's not inappropriate as a picture.

 

My boyfriend cut his hair short recently and sent pictures to people asking to see the difference, some he didn't know or had just started talking to days before. Some were girls. Perfectly fine. He sent pictures to girls who have blantantly flirted with with him, tried talking him out of being with me, but it wasn't anything flirty on his part and was just him having fun and going hey look at my head or showing a haircut off or posing a certain way or something.

[usesunscreen]

well if you read the other post you seem to be the only person that sees nothing wrong there.

 

again what the point of talking about online pictures? its completely different.... she has online pictures, I have online pictures.

 

but a guy that almost does not know her, gives her a gift, says that they should see each other again, and asks her for a specific picture of her... seems to me too awkward and inappropriate. She might not have any intentions but by sending a picture as he asked is accepting and inviting for flirting behaviour from his side.

[luminousone]

I do not think it is appropriate or professional for her to send that picture, nor was it appropriate or professional for that man to request it. In fact, I find it weird.

 

However, one thing I have learned in relationships is that you cannot control what your partner is going to do. You can try. But they will either do what they want or leave the relationship.

 

Your gf sounds very young and naive. I do not think she had any intentions of cheating on you with this, especially since she shared this information with you.

 

What you CAN do is to express your feelings about it to her - reassure her that you know she would not cheat on you, but that you simply do not feel comfortable with her sending pictures to clients/colleagues unless they are of a professional nature (products, etc.). She is an adult and may choose to do what she wishes with that information.

 

If she then sends the picture anyway, then you can certainly re-assess your relationship with her. You may try to change her, but she may never change and may resent your attempts. You can decide whether it is enough for you to leave your relationship or to stay and accept her the way she is...

[BrandiBroken]

Well, there's controlling people out there. No one is denying that. In the end, it's just a picture. Something insane to be upset over.

 

Because it's the same thing. An online picture anyone can see. Her face, anyone can see. So what's wrong with just sending a friendly picture to someone? I mean people will ask you to send a picture for the iphone contact who hardly know you. I have one of my boyfriend's friends who even after just meeting him sends me a photo of himself every time he talks to me. He did the first day after meeting him and he got my number, so I would know who it was. And was actually a cute idea.

 

If someone requested a certain photo of her online, she took it, and posted it... would that be unacceptable? I mean, I've had people from games I don't know ask to see a picture of a close up of my room, or of me smiling more, or how my hair was one day. There's zero anything wrong with that. It's just being fun and silly. No harm, no foul.

 

Sure, it may seem a little off... and you have right to feel that way... but being so upset about just a picture is more concerning. I'd be mad as all heck. Someone trying to control me over something so small. If she felt uncomfortable about it she wouldnt have sent it, if she thought it was crossing into danger zone she would have had sirens going off.

 

Girls flirt with my boyfriend and he will send them pictures every once in a great while. Showing off a injury he managed to make, pictures of us together, pictures of his haircut, pictures of him flipping them off, or posing stupidly or whatever else. They could be life long friends or someone he just started talking to. If it was more... I'd be concerned. If it was inapprorpitate photo or situation or things said from him then sure I'd bring up my concerns. But seriously... mad over a picture being sent to someone else is nutty.

[BrandiBroken]

It sounds like it's just for an inside joke between them anyway, the "specific" photo type. That's how most people I get to know start off. Some stupid inside joke turns into a convo online, then texts and so on. Like my friend Heather with her always saying "poof" and "tada" on Facebook and turned into us talking about her doing magic tricks and me somehow becoming her make believe assistant. Or I have a collection of pictures of me flipping people off-an inside joke all of it's own-which gathered the attention of a guy who was a friend of a friend and started calling me "bird". Another friend got nicknamed "hamster" and we have a running joke of me stealing his coffee and me being his evil fighting sidekick. I have a running gag with a guy friend who I send pictures with back and forth of me making a certain face and him doing his other one in response back.

 

In this day and age, you just hold a phone up, push a button, and do maybe three more steps and you can send any goofy picture to anyone. Of yourself, something else, a forwarded LOLcat picture. Sending one to someone, be it your significant other, a best or close friend, family member, some stranger... isn't the world falling apart around you.

 

If there was more to the story, if there was some bad vibes coming off of her towards this guy, then I'd understand your concern. If it was her making a sultry face or undressed or something then absolutely be upset over it. But it doesn't seem any of that is the case.

 

And OBVIOUSLY it was just a joke I mean you were in San Fran, and there's a song out there about being there and wearing flowers in your hair. Geez. I mean even if it was "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" being asked for I'd be saying the same thing.

[usesunscreen]

Well the problem is also that I think that her alarm does not work well and that is why I started with saying something about her personality. She was with a married guy when she was single and got physical with him after 3 months and only at 6 months after they met she he told her he was married. How can she not get suspicious in such long time.

 

We were visiting LA and a guy very friendly that came out of no where want to help us and give some tips. We were going to the universal studios and the guy said that he could get cheaper tickets. When we got there he asked for the money and I saw immediately what it was. She could see I didn't trust the guy although he was really friendly and I have to admit quite convincing. But it was obiously a scheme. When she saw I didn't want to give the money to the guy she said "not everyone is a bad person". I said ok do what u want... And surprise.... The guy never came back.

[savignon]

I have to agree with you, OP. I find it weird, inappropriate, unprofessional and would feel disrespected if a boyfriend did that to me.

I agree you can't "make" someone do or not do something, but I'm on your side 100% with this. She sounds a little naive and it sounds like you're trying to open her eyes a little.

[BrandiBroken]

Being trusting isn't a bad thing. It's not her fault she was with a married man and was unaware. Do you know how often that happens?! It wasn't up to her to figure it out, it was on him to be upfront about it.

 

There's people who will pull a scam, sure. Everywhere. On anything. But it's not wrong for her to be trusting and think the best in people as much as she can. For more cynical and realistic people it can be frustrating but it's not on you to change that hope they carry. Should envy it and wish to be more like that then want her to be on guard over every little thing.