ladyunicorn Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Hello everyone, Last night my best friend wrote me a long email to tell me she spent the night kissing and cuddling my fwb-crush. I am really hurting right now. Here's the background info. My fwb is also a good friend of mine. (so I thought) Things were never really clear between us since the last year and a half. I was off and on with another guy but when we were both available, we would hook up. When we weren't available, we would still spend time together although nothing sexual would happen. I've always been very attracted to him. I love spending time with him, we share the same sense of humor and there's a lot of chemistry between us. But even though our friendship was sort of blurred with bouts of fwb, he always told me he didn't want a relationship. Recently, he confessed he was feeling lonely and was starting to think that maybe he did want someone in his life. I was with my ex at the time but broke up shortly after in part due to my feelings for fwb-crush-guy. We haven't seen each other since my break-up because I've been out of the city for work and so was he. My best friend, well she knows all of this. She's the only person I've confided all of this to. So she's aware of how much I care about him. I came home from my trip to find out this happened 2 nights ago. I'm 32 years old, so not a baby. I don't want to be childish about this. I know my fwb can be with whoever he pleases, but it really stings that he chose my bf. I'm not sure if I have a right to be upset or not... As for my best friend, I wrote her an email back explaining that I couldn't really be her friend right now. I really believe that all is fair in love. I don't want to stand in the way of two people's happiness. If they're meant to be, then obviously it would never have worked out with my fwb and me. But still, I feel really hurt and betrayed. Am I over-reacting? How can I remain her friend knowing she's sleeping with or falling for the guy I've been in love with for the past year and a half!? She offered to stop seeing him, but I feel like the damage is done. She told me she would definitely keep seeing him if I didn't exist. It's clear to me she has feelings for him. I'm torn between not wanting to stand in love's way and being the bigger person in this or listening to my hurting ego and kicking them both out of my life. Thanks kindly in advance for any replies. I feel pretty lonely right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 The real problem for you here - which must be a heart-rending one - is that you were hoping for a proper relationship with someone who used you for fwb. If you were going to have this guy in your life then you were only ever picking up crumbs, and not having the relationship you would have wanted. If things were ever going to work out with this guy, it would have happened by now, regardless of whether either or both of you were in a relationship at the time. While you know about what happened with your friend because she told you, you have no way of knowing whether he's done this with others in the time you knew him; your friend is also in the rather jittery position of knowing that there's lots of unfinished business between him and you - and although she may be feeling starry-eyed right now, this will come bubbling up to the surface in due course. It's not a good way to start a relationship. I know it must be very painful right now, but you were in a relationship - call it fwb if you like - where nothing was ever going to get resolved, where you would always be left hanging in the hope that something else might develop, not being able to commit to a relationship with someone else (which could potentially have been more rewarding in the long term). This is not a good place to be, and now it's over. Now you really have the chance to heal - and then potentially start a much healthier relationship with someone else in the future. Neither of these was possible while you stayed stuck in your previous situation. You may well find that you can pick up the friendship at some point in the future (probably after he's done the same thing to her!) but for now - don't even try. Go NC with both of them, build up the rest of your life and generally be nice to yourself. (((HUGS))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I agree with nutbrownhare. I will also say that your friend may have also been harboring feelings for this guy for a long time and I don't really blame her for going after him, especially since up until this time you had been in another relationship. It would be one thing if you had been single for a long time and really hoping that your FWB would be with you..but you weren't single, you were in a relationship until very recently. I suspect your friend didn't want to give up the guy to you knowing that you had been quite happy to be with another guy when you couldn't get this guy. Sadly I think she too is going to get hurt from this guy. I think he plays with women's feelings just so that he gets what he wants, be it sex, companionship, whatever. I really don't think he is relationship material and you should thank your lucky stars you are not with him now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think you can get out of loves way by kicking them out of your life. The fwb made not promises and told no lies (I assume) but your friend behaved in a way that is not friendly. Lose them and clear some space for people in your life who will treat you right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Habibi Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 FWB are those gentle and generous souls who made themselves when we need them the most : when we are horny!!! thats all their function...maybe to vent out a bit but nothing else. as for your friend...a back-stabber. i never had the need or urge to date or sleep with any fwb or ex of any friend of mine. aside from being gross is betrayal. to the dumps with her !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 You have all the right to feel hurt. But I wouldn't blame her for falling for this guy either, perhaps she can't help it. You didn't say what the long email talks about, but I'm sure it contains some component of making sure you are ok with this and explaining herself? Anyway while they can do whatever they choose, you have the right to get away from both of them (at least for a period of time), for your own sake. You could calmly let your friend know the reason of why you are cutting off contact, so as to not seem like you are "being childish" or acting out. Maybe one day you will feel well enough to be friends with her again, may that be they have ended, or you have found a new love interest. As for the fwb, I had a guy almost exactly like that. We had a lot in common and interested in each other since the first day we met. Yet a week later, he started dating another girl. His excuse for not asking me out was that we worked together. While I agree that office romance is a delicate issue, that as an excuse just sounded like bs to me. After 6 months of dragging it out, being on the hook and being confused, I cut him off. We remained friends for a couple of years more and then became fwb for a few months, until one day I asked him out of curiosity (as I wasn't looking for this to be serious) if he would date me seriously if that's what I wanted. He made up more excuses and while he said he liked me a lot (as always), he needed more time. It made me laugh that he hadn't changed a bit over the years, and it made it clear to me that while he "liked me a lot", he did not like me enough to be with me. He had many many chances over the years if he woke up one day and decided that I was the one. So clearly that didn't happen. And if it didn't happen in the past and present, it will never happen in the future. So I broke it off, and we remained friends. So you see, the whole not wanting a relationship thing was just an excuse or code for "I like you but not enough to be in a serious relationship with you". While he confided in you recently about wanting to be in a relationship, he decided to go for your friend instead of you! I know he may not have known that you had broken up, but seriously if he had feelings for you, he would have at least tried to confess to you or do something about it. I told myself this a year ago (and found a great boyfriend a month after that), and I will tell you now, you deserve better than this sh*t! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyunicorn Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Thank you everyone so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate this. I'm finding this really hard. I feel guilty for cutting off the friendship. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help second guessing myself. Of course fwb guy owes me nothing. I understand that. Although being that we were friends too, or so I thought, I feel like it's a cheap shot for him to go after my best friend. But you're right, fwb guy would have become more by now if that was in our cards. I guess this will really force me to move on. Maybe with time I'll be able to pick up my friendship with my best friend. But for now it just feels too strange, knowing she's into him and that they are probably going to start something new. It's so weird, I had a feeling this was going to happen. I kept asking her if something was going on between them and she woul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyunicorn Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 oops, to finish my sentence: I kept asking her if anything was going on and she would always say no. I asked her to tell me if ever something did happen. I knew they would chat online sometimes... she assured me it was platonic and told me sometimes they would chat about me! I hoped (stupidly) that she would somehow talk some sense into him. He had admitted to her that when he and I got close during the fwb portion of our friendship, the instensity of it scared him. So he backed away. She would tell me what they would chat about. I just feel totally betrayed right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dunfalma Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 This is the same guy you posted about a year ago yes? I REALLY hope you manage to move on from him this time. And he will probably end up hurting your ex-friend as well. At the same time, she is not your friend. Ditch them both. I am so sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Sounds to me like your friend has also been in a quandry as to what to do. I really don't think she backstabbed you..it sounds like she has had an interest in him for a long time so why shouldn't she go for it when you were quite happy with another guy. It is not her fault that you dumped the other guy to try to be with FWB...her interest in this guy probably long pre-dates the time you dumped your ex. If person A and person B date or have an FWB, then person B ends up in another relationship, person C has every right to pursue person A even if person C and person B are good friends. It wouldn't be cool if person B had not gone into another relationship and was still single and pining for person A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Wow. I'm sorry, but you've got yourself mixed up and tangled up with, what can be best described as a bunch of losers. One is really just using you, and the other one isn't your best friend. The best thing to do is to cut them both out of your life and start fresh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 ^^^is she really though..i feel like people settle for fwb because its better than nothing...90 percent of the time best friends/FWB never works because someone always starts get feelings and someone gets hurts...if your in a fwb relationship you need to go into with no expectations and no hopes of it ever turning into more..thats what FWB is ..just friends with sexual benefits.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mixhot Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 this happened to me, its a rough ride. i think you should just move on, "easy for me to say" as i am still raging about what happened. hope you find the right path for yourself, i am sorry that this is happening to you, its not cool at all my story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 OK, i think everyone here is forgetting the most relevant thing in the equation here, the guy! It is not about you two girls choosing who gets him, it is about him choosing who he feels he wants to date. So i think what you need to do is this. Contact the guy, tell him openly you are available now and have always had feelings for him that are more than FWB, and would like him to consider a relationship with you IF he isn't serious with your friend. For all you know, he is just FWB with her too and not taking her seriously at all. Tell him you want a REAL relationship and ask if he would be interested. If he is, then fine, pick up where you left off. If he isn't (still wants just FWB), or is in what he considers a relationship with your friend, then it is time to cut him loose. Sometimes people say they don't want a relationship because they don't want a relationship with YOU but will consider it with someone else (like your GF). Or he could be telling the truth and have changed his mind and want to date you. But if he only wants FWB, then quit wasting your time with him and straining your relationship with your GF. No FWB is worth that. Andi f he just wants FWB and your GF wants more, eventually she will be crawling back to you with her heart broken because it never really went anywhere. But if he IS in a relationship with your GF, then you do need to back off and perhaps not see either of them as friends until you don't care anymore or have someone new and don't care because of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 And regarding your GF's feelings IF the guy says he does want to date you, then she knew the risk, knew you'd been involved, and also one make out session certainly doesn't make him her BF or give her any special claim on him either. So i think you need to figure out once and for all whether this guy can be a meaningful relationship for you or not, and if he can't, then time to take him off your list and find someone else. And this spat with your friend may end up being nothing if he's not interested in her either. if he is really interested in her, then cut both of them loose until you have your own man and don't care anymore. btw, i find it comical that she has one make out/cuddle session with the guy and thinks she now owns him... really, at your age that is silly... she should know better. i think that is more about her trying to warn you away because she feels threatened. the guy most likely would be put off that she is taking him so seriously after one make out session! if you've known this guy forever and want to date him, don't let her make out session stop you from talking ot him about him and see if he is interested. she'll be furious at you, but then, i think you have a right to ask him and she has no right to be upset considering she felt no qualms about doing the same to you! If he says no, then big deal, you gave it a shot, and you walk away from both of them and on to finding a new guy for yourself. i personally don't know if i could be best friends with someone who did what she did to you without talking to you first. what if you marry and she decides she takes a shine to your husband? I know you didn't 'own' the guy, but you had enough of a history with him and she knows your feelings so she should have talked to you to about it rather than announcing it after the fact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Contact the guy, tell him openly you are available now and have always had feelings for him that are more than FWB, and would like him to consider a relationship with you IF he isn't serious with your friend. For all you know, he is just FWB with her too and not taking her seriously at all. Tell him you want a REAL relationship and ask if he would be interested. If he is, then fine, pick up where you left off. If he isn't (still wants just FWB), or is in what he considers a relationship with your friend, then it is time to cut him loose. I think that would be a serious mistake and very bad timing. It would look like she jealous and issuing an ultimatum of its either her or me, not to mention throwing herself at his mercy. Ugh. I'd rather cut the pair of them loose and find a friend I can trust and a man who cares about me and my feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I really don't understand why everyone thinks the friend is so bad..after all, the OP did have a boyfriend until recently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I really don't understand why everyone thinks the friend is so bad..after all, the OP did have a boyfriend until recently. I don't think the friend is bad at all - but I don't think that it would do the OP's healing any good to stay in touch with her right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyunicorn Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 I also don't think my friend is ''bad''. But I do feel betrayed. She is one of my closest friends, and she knew exactly how I felt about this guy. She knew that I was hoping we could re-kindle things when I got back to the city. My fwb was a good friend of mine before anything ever happened. We were friends for 3 years. Then the last year and a half things became more complicated because of the fwb thing. We never called it fwb. I'm just using that term because it's pretty much what I guess we had. We would have sex. We would tell each other we both cared about each other. But he told me again and again that he didn't want a relationship in his life. So I got back together with my ex. That didn't work out, as I said. The fwb knows we are no longer together. He is one of the first people I told. I was hoping he would want to start things up again seeing as the last time I had seen him, he had told me that he felt things needed to change in his life, that he was feeling lonely and depressed and wanted love but was afraid at the same time. I took that as a sign that maybe we could try again. Stupid me! Anyway, just to clear things up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I don't think clearly stating what she wants is throwing herself at anybody's mercy. That is taking control of her life. If she really thinks this guy is someone she really wants, then it is worth a shot just talking to him. For all she knows it was just a drunken make out sessioin with her friend, or he was trying to get her attention. personally i think too many people worry about 'pride'... pride and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee as they say. I think she has to focus on what she really wants, and make an attempt to get it. Everyone's choices should be based on that. If she really wants him, then she should let him know and find out where his feelings are. If he's not interested, then good, she knows that and wont' waste time on him. If he is interested then good, she will have a shot with him. But doing nothing gets her nothing at all. She'll just sit around being bitter feeling betrayed by her friend and wondering whether she should have made her feelings clear to a guy she says she loved when she had the chance before he got too involved with anyone else. And if he is involved with her friend then she needs to know that too and step away. If it was just a random make out session she needs to know that too. So nothing ventured nothing gained. She should take her shot, then behave based on the outcome of that discussion with him. Then she'll feel confident she did everything she could to get what she wanted, and can walk away head high if he isn't interested with no regrets that she didn't at least try to get what she wanted first before sulking away angry at her friend and him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyunicorn Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Regarding my fwb-friend-whatever, I know he had every right to be with who he wanted. I'm not going to ask him to choose between her and me. I think if he wanted something to happen between us, he would have waited the extra 2 days for me to get back home. He wouldn't have chosen to do something with my best friend. It's more regarding my best friend that I'm unsure. If she goes ahead and pursues something with him, which I feel is what she wants to do, I know I can't be remain close to her. It would be self-torture! I've told her that. But aside from that, I feel betrayed. I mean, it seems to me that when you know how much your friend is crushing on someone and that they have a history together, you don't go after them too! But I guess all is fair in love. The question for me now is: is all fair in friendship? If he was my ex-husband or my official ex, things would be clearer. I guess because we were never officially a couple, I'm wondering if I'm just blowing this way out of proportion. Still, my feelings for him were as strong as if we had been a couple. And she knew that. That's where the betrayal lies, I think. Thanks everyone for your words of advice!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 You say you were on off with your ex....then as soon as you found out the FWB might be interested in a relationship you dumped your ex. I wonder how betrayed this ex felt? I am going to be blunt....you think your friend betrayed you...but yet you don't seem to have acted very fairly to your ex. You seem to have always had this FWB on the backburner so you never really gave your ex a fair chance at a relationship. What I am trying to say is that your friend did what she wanted irrespective of your feelings...and you did what you wanted irrespective of your ex's feelings. I wonder if this guy that everyone really wants is worth all the pain that two women are causing others in their quest for this one guy. This guy seems rather elusive and non-committal...and two women are vying for his attention...wouldn't it be a nice blow to his overinflated ego if both you and your friend decided he is just not worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyunicorn Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Actually, my ex and I left each other on mutual terms because it just wasn't working despite the fact that we both love each other. We're more like brother and sister, I guess. He actually knows about this current situation with my fwb. My ex is still in my life as a good friend. It's an exceptional situation between my ex and I and I don't expect people to understand. But he is my family and best friend. I just wanted to clear that up. I understand how it can seem when you don't have all the information. But I didn't use him. I really hoped it could work between us. Things are not all black and white. I just didn't love him in the right way unfortunately. But you do have a good point, Crazyaboutdogs. The fwb probably isn't worth this drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyunicorn Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 *uh, just to be even more clear, my ex and I aren't related! he's LIKE my family. that's what I meant. lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godel Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Wow, I would never pursue anyone that I knew one of my friends was interested in. I can't imagine any of my friends pursuing anyone that I was interested in. It all just seems so disloyal. I would never trust this person again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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