My random thoughts journal

[meoww]

It's interesting how in such a short time i went from wanting to be happy, to not knowing what i want at all

Something really changed in me this week

I lost hope

I lost of hope, if it was blood i'd be missing a crucial amount of it

I need it to live...

[meoww]

Suddenly i feel so serious instead of light hearted and childish...

 

Its like inner child really did heal or something.

But i miss laughing all the time.

In the worst years with that awful guy, i almost never laughed...

[meoww]

I feel her getting stronger....and its like she believes i can rescue her

She believes in me

And she doesnt feel abandoned anymore because im here and she loves me and she loves being around me

[meoww]

How did that happen? She isn't angry with me, at least right now. She doesn't want to scream at the world to force someone to put that awful narcissistic mother lady in jail. Its like she is with me

 

Like we support each other

She feels heard, she trusts ill honor her memory

She feels loved most of all

She feels like i took her out of those dark corners and let her go

 

Like shes running around the world now

Doing anything she wants

And if she ever feels lonely, she can come back to me

[meoww]

I just imagine there is one of me for every age, and we never have to be alone.

[meoww]

The most important thing ive ever told her, is this, i need you just as much as you need me.

 

Its the nicest feeling....

[meoww]

the last week and a half has been an emotional roller coaster, but im glad i went through it. I feel like i have grown a lot. For a second i was worried i had completely lost hope

[meoww]

Im feeling much less resentful, and the desire for justice is fading...i just know that even my abuser and any of the people who i left have scarred me in the past deserve to be forgiven

They wouldnt be the way they are if the world was a better place. And ive finally learned

[meoww]

Ive finally learned the balance between not letting people walk all over you and being forgiving.

I've become better at selling myself and telling my story in a way that doesnt accidentally make me look like im in the wrong. It was like in the past, id even self sabotage telling people about the abuse because i was so traumatized it was hard for me to explain what was happening, let alone comprehend what was happening to me

[meoww]

It is strange though how ive forgiven my friends in an instance, but there are ceretain people i really cant seem to forgove

[meoww]

I guess those are the people who really hurt me...what a strange feeling.

 

I hate the idea of going to my grave like that...

[meoww]

I want everyone to at least like me fundamentally, you know, as in accept and value whp i am and my contributions.

 

But it seems like with certain people...and a few in particular who were brainwashed by my narcissistic abuser, it is just not going to happen, not for a long time and that isnt going to help me now. It is hard not to feel frustrated

 

Or with other annoying folks who are very judgmental.

 

Sometimes with those people you want to be like...u,mm you know that some people arent exactly like you but that isnt somethimg to be afraid of...

 

A

[meoww]

And then the people who you might have had a mutually not super friendly relationship with, and you reach out a true olive branch, and then apologize and they never apologize back....it takes two to tango

 

How hypocritical...

 

It is just annoying how the least moral people seem to the most self righteous....

 

But realizng how in that momemt...the person im writing about never apologized to me

Although they did say they were glad we talked

But it is like. Damn. Get a grip and be strong enough to admit when you're wrong!

 

But writing this down really makes me realize,

 

That person probably really does have issues...

[meoww]

So that is even more of a reason to just let them be.

 

I dont want to deal with toxic people, especially if i know they are only in my life temporarily.

 

That is another reason to relax

[meoww]

I get very upset when i think back to those certain people who couldnt support me, wouldnt open their minds to the obvious truth, and due to their fear, laziness, selfishness, and most of all cowardice, id end up feeling more alone than ever...

 

But again, people with cold hearts can figure things out themselves....

 

I need to just find my place in the world with a few good people who arent like that

[meoww]

I wish i could post a link that k foumd a few days ago.

It is about how being an emotional abuse victim is like going to prison for a crime you didnt commit. You just wish one person would come visit your cell and tell you that they believe you.

[meoww]

It is mind bendingly difficult....to swallow my pride, anger, and need for justice.

 

Everyday it wears me out and i have trouble thinking of anything else. Every few hours it creeps into my mind, and i cant get it to go away. I just want that urge to expose my abuser to the world and end abuse for good to go on the back burner for a bit.

[meoww]

Its the last frontier as far as taboos go...i just hope that it gets a lot more press in the coming years. Movies like perks of being a wallflower could potentially have a positive impact...

 

But i didnt like that movie at all. It seemed like it was so cheaply made, like more suitable for cable tv airing like once on a sunday or something.

[meoww]

Anyway....

 

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

 

Always have love and compassion. My inner rage is going to be my downfall if i dont get it under control. Everyone in the world has a trauma they could resent for the rest of their lives.

 

Im no exception and im nothing special

 

I need to see the whole picture and not miss the forest for the trees

[meoww]

Conflicts arise and escalate when people dont take responsibility for their actions and words, and dont properly acknowledge the pain they inflict on other people. Then it can become a festering wound.

 

I am not trusting myself, my experiences, my own eyes and i what ive experienced. Thats part of why mean people and bad memories with them undermine me so easily!

 

They try to make me doubt, in some way, that im a good person, or that they did anything to cause me pain.

 

Thats seems to be the way of people who are not self aware.

 

Its either

 

A. I did nothing 'wrong'

 

Or B. well, its okay because you deserved it.

 

The second excuse can be reinforced in a few ways,

 

Like 1. "you did it first!" maybe there was no slight to begin with, but rather a perceived slight.

 

2. Its okay because other people/insert authority figure here/someone else agrees with me. This alleviates any guilt they might feel.

 

It finally makes sense

[meoww]

Like for example, even though what im writing is the truth. I made those abuse recovery groups etc, and finding that almost 5000 other people experienced the same thing makes me feel soooo much better, and more like i can trust my own instincts. Like tbe time my parent was investigated by the police. Its like reinforcement from an authority figure.

 

So it makes me feel like finally, justice has the possibility of being served. Im not an invisible victim anymore.

 

It takes away their credibility too, which i need to point out to detractors and haters....

 

And remember, its all in how you frame things

 

Dont apologize for being a "bad person" for doing a couple wrong things in the past. For people in this more backward culture, that is basically equivalent to an admission of guilt. That is the opposite of the impression you want to give. When you are a victim, the last thing you want to do is tell a story so that people think you might be hiding something because im ashamed and guilty. But, i went through a truly horrific struggle and i gave it my all. You have no idea what the other 20 years of my life were like, how i was basically a slave and nothing else. How much i tried to be the perfect person so i could get the abuse to stop.

 

I was always a good person past and present....girl you are truly a low life for trying to paint a bad picture of me when you are the only one who knows what i went through....how could you betray me like that!

 

Dont tale your personal unhappiness out on me. I know that unconsciously, you are just lashing out at me because you perceive me to be a more vulnerable target, in this particular environment.

 

But remember, if the light could be shined onto your actions, and people could see what you did to me in private, the betrayals, how hard i tried to befriend you for 2 years, thankfully ill never see you again, and it is over.

But if other people knew the truth about you.

And if i was in my corner, with the rest of the world that is sympathetic to me....that has compassion and love for me. And sees my value just like anybody else

 

Then you would either change your attitude or be ashamed of yourself.

 

I know that because the same thing happened to me and i know you work the same way

 

So get off your damn high horse lady....you have just never been a fish out of water because you are a coward

 

At least i was brave enough to make real changes. That will affect me for the rest of my life.

And i was always a sweet girl

Just because i didnt like working with YOU....and working in that environment, doesnt make me conceited....ugh it just disgusts me how you cherry pick the situations to weave a evil little narrative

When i was just normal, just a normal person! Shame on you

[meoww]

It just sucks when the only time in my life i have ever been stuck up i get ****ing owned for it

 

Lol

 

What bad timing

 

But does everybody have ****ing amnesia or something? They knew me 6 years ago and i wasnt like that at all. ****ing hypocrites...so frustrating.

 

But then again, even though ive always been the kind of girl that hobos and weirdos talk to, i think ill be more genuine with lower class people. I think i get how to deal with them now. I dont necessarily have to pretend to be one of them, like when scott disick did his little down home accent when he went to the gator farm....i just have to take all people seriously at all times

 

That is a very very valuable lesson to have learned

And it makes me a much better person so i guess it was worth it.

That is definitely life changing.

[meoww]

Ugh i wish my post didnt disappear again...but this time it was my fault because i pushed go back or something

[meoww]

Abusers are tricky litttle people...their motives, ultimately, are completely uncomprehensible to me. Why would you ever think that trying to ruin someone elses life would make you happy?

 

I guess because they are so down the rabbit hole that they cant see anything in a positive light. They only see varying shades of darkness so they just want to bring down other people with them...

 

Abusers have basically forgone their conscience. Lol vampire diaries parallels

 

Its like when you turn off your humanity. You can inflict enormous amounts of suffering on people and not feel anything, but when you get in touch with your emotions again you have to feel the full weight of your actions and it is overwhelming

 

Even though ive never hurt or abused anyone, i know what it is like to try to turn off your emotions. I did it so that i could pass for a normal person and not a child abuse survivor. It was an epic fail for sure...

 

It is sooooooooooooo wonderful to be able to express these thoughts without using the language of the abuser, my thinking is finally independent and much more in touch with reality.

 

I am no longer afflicted with the follie au deux...that is probably totally the wrong spelling. But the shared psychosis is gone! My brainwashed days are over....

[meoww]

The shared psychosis is finally no longer the way i see the world

It can be scary though, because i am very vulnerable....im like a tender little sprout

I have a lot to learn.