Hard day...Really Hard

[SeattleSigh]

I want so badly to break no contact by showing up at my ex's in person. I have such a strong desire to do this. It's very hard to fight. My mind keeps running through how it would somehow make things better even though I know it's the wrong thing to do. Damn being a product of the 80s and all the 80s movies. It is so hard to be apart from my ex and for some reason it has been getting harder these last few days. I could really use some support. I am not going to do it, but I want to so badly. I am such a fool and I hate it and that I feel this way. It's been so long. Why can't I move past this? I am really struggling.

[nutbrownhare]

Realistically, what do you think is likely to happen? (Hint: somehow making things better is very UNlikely).

[SeattleSigh]

Well, there is what my brain wants to believe and what I try and force it to believe. I know she would be upset, but I also know that she feels a strong connection with me in person. My brain wants to believe that she'll feel that connection and be reminded of what we had and that will somehow make a difference and break through her indifference. However, she's likely to see me and get scared she's going to feel a connection or she'll just flat out be irritated. I just know it will not end well. I get it's a bad idea, but I still have a very strong urge that I have to keep fighting.

[OneSadPuppy]

Well, there is what my brain wants to believe and what I try and force it to believe. I know she would be upset, but I also know that she feels a strong connection with me in person. My brain wants to believe that she'll feel that connection and be reminded of what we had and that will somehow make a difference and break through her indifference. However, she's likely to see me and get scared she's going to feel a connection or she'll just flat out be irritated. I just know it will not end well. I get it's a bad idea, but I still have a very strong urge that I have to keep fighting.

I read some of your previous posts before I replied to this.

You've been broken up for over a year and she's moved on with a new boyfriend.

The fact is, is the ball is in her court and she's decided to keep it there.

 

I understand the fantasies you speak of. I've a few of them myself. But I'm getting pretty good at slapping that train of thought away before I make myself too miserable. If our paths ever cross again, it would be at the theater or something, and we'd both have dates, so the whole running accross a wheat field fantasy is not going to happen (ok, maybe it's not a wheat field thing, thought I'd throw that in there for dramatic effect ). I will never, never, never show up at her house.

She is trying to date again and move on from me. I respect her choices and consider it my last loving act to leave her alone!

 

After a year, and dealing with the fact that she's with another man, you should really be picturing a future without this woman. You're still not letting go.

Have you been getting out, meeting new people, new women?

I'm thinking a bit of your problem is you're lonely. When you're out with others and concentrating on them and whatever activity you're doing, you're not daydreaming about reconciliation with your ex.

I would hope that you've followed the typical breakup advice and worked on some self improvements?

Weight, cloths, ambitions, career?

 

I did these things when my marriage of 15 years ended. I was in self improvement for a year before I started to get out there, but after that year, get out there I did. For me, it was the best thing I could have done. It did finally move my ex wife into the indifference category (from a relationship point of view anyway).

 

I'll watch for your posts now.

 

OSP

[SeattleSigh]

I really appreciate your response, OneSadPuppy, and the fact that you went back and read some of my other posts. It is helpful to have another avenue of dialogue about how I am feeling right now. I talk to my family and friends about it, and I have been going to a counselor, but so far, I still feel how I feel and am still struggling.

 

I completely get that the ball is in her court and that I need to let go of this girl and any idea of a future together. It's just proving to be impossible for me. I don't think it has helped that we have cycled back into contact so many times, the last being in January/early February. I am not going to show up at her house. I know it's the wrong thing to do and is probably going to hurt me, but I still have this strong urge. It's really hard living with that urge on my back all the time. There's what I know and what I feel and it's hard still filling this way after so long.

 

I have been working hard to better myself and to work on my issues. I work out. I travel. I am working on trying to figure out about new career goals, as I have been very driven and successful and am looking for more time for myself and my other interests and friends. I even try and date. I have tried to date a number of women after my ex, but it doesn't distract me from my ex. It reminds me of my ex. I know it's not helpful, but I can't help but juxtapose any new girl with my ex. And yes, I am putting my ex on a pedestal and ignoring some of her issues, but she is also an amazing woman.

 

The pattern is that I don't date for a while and then I decide to try thinking that my feelings for my ex aren't going to be a problem and then I start dating a new woman and then my feelings for me ex come up and I can't stand to be around that woman. Sure, there is probably some woman that I will click with at some point and really like, but I am not finding her. I end up feeling hurt each time because I really don't want to be with these women. I want to be with me ex.

 

In the end, I am lonely, but not in the typical sense. I have all the people around me I could want and work hard to meet new people and make new connections, but those people and relationships don't compare to the relationship I had with my ex. I am lonely in a crowded room because those people don't matter to me like she did.

 

I am trying to get past this and her and I want her and I to be happy so I am leaving her alone and doing everything I can think of to move past this but I keep struggling. I am a pretty happy person, but this continues to weigh on me.