I feel so stupid because I thought he loved me

[df1304]

I'm 16. My boyfriend dumped me about a week ago. We'd been dating for about a year and four months. He was my first boyfriend, he's 18, almost 19 now.

 

Our relationship was always BFF-type stuff, we got along so well and I loved to spend time with him. He introduced me to smoking weed and some other stuff, even though I was never the kind of person who did stuff like that, I've always been kind of sheltered. About a month ago, he introduced me to alcohol. I've been in a slump for a while and I really liked to get a little drunk because it took the edge off of the bad feelings I'd been having. This was all a little less than a month ago, and I've only gotten drunk with him four times. About three weeks ago, when I was drunk for the second time, we had sex (he was my first of course). I wasn't sloppy-drunk or anything, and I'd been telling him for a while that I was ready to have sex, so it was 100% consensual. We started spending more time together, had sex a couple more times. I felt really good, because I felt like it was making us closer and that he loved me, because I sure loved him. Then the last time I saw him, the day before he broke up with me, I went over to his house in a bad mood and got drunk, but this time, I got REALLY drunk... this part is really embarrassing. I just started crying, out of nowhere. I told him I thought I was depressed and that I wanted to kill myself, I even said I hated him and I hit him because he was making fun of me.. I feel really bad about that and I don't know why I did it, but I couldn't stop myself, I felt out of control. I ended up throwing up on his floor in his room. He said it was okay, let me take a shower, and I had to spend the night there because I wasn't in any condition to go back to my parents. The next morning I felt calm, I didn't really remember a lot of what had happened, but I was relieved because he wasn't acting mad at me.

 

I called my mom and got her to pick me up and take me back to her house. Then that afternoon, he sent me a text saying he was done with the relationship. I asked him if it was because of all the stuff I said the night before, he said that was "a reason". I told him I really didn't want to break up and that I wanted to work it out. He said we could take some time apart and try again. He said even if we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, we could still talk and have sex if I wanted to. I still felt really, really upset about it and cried really hard over the next two days. I've tried talking to him a few times since then, saying I was sorry and I wanted to get back together, but he says he doesn't want to be with me because he thinks I'm depressed and crazy. He's acting like it was a big joke and like it's no big deal.

 

I feel like this just came out of nowhere, like if I hadn't gotten so drunk and said all those things I would still have a boyfriend. It hurts really, really bad. I really thought he loved me, like a stupid little kid. If I had known that night we had sex for the first time that he would dump me just two weeks later and that I'd be feeling this way now, I would have stopped him. In fact, I wish I had never even met him. He can forget all about me if he wants to, but I'll always have to remember him and how much he hurt me. I know I have to get over him and that other boys will come and go throughout my life, cause I'm still young, but it feels like I'll never get over him and that I'll never be able to love someone else as much as I loved him. I want it all to go away.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this.

[redrose85]

**hugs** The first breakup can be so confusing and hurtful, especially when you've been acting differently to please someone else. Now you are without that person and am not sure who you are. You need to take time to address the emotional issues you've been having and get to know yourself before you ever jump into bed with someone else. Unfortunately, he has gotten what he wanted from you and has moved on. It'll get better and you'll find someone 10x better than this guy...someone who will support you no matter what.

[df1304]

Thank you for your response and kind words. I'm arranging to see a therapist so I can talk all this out... I am hoping that since my ex will not give me closure, I can get help to find it myself.

 

I'm also feeling physically needy as well. I keep remembering back during the small window of time when we were having sex and I felt like the relationship was still intact, and how nice it was. I find myself wishing I could touch him again, or even just give him a hug and be physically comforted by him, but I know I can't and in a word, it just sucks. I am looking forward to moving on and being able to have a healthy, empowering relationship that will eventually be physical too - but on my own terms, and not just for their own gratification with no consideration for my feelings. That's the good part, I know nobody will ever be able to take advantage of me again because I learned the hardest lesson first. I just wish I had a boyfriend who really loved and understood me now, during this tough time... but then I guess I wouldn't have all these bad feelings in the first place.