A delicate situation. Please help!

[Mjenk]

Okay so here is the scoop:

 

I'm 22 years old and engaged to a woman, she's 21. We have a one year old baby boy who is my everything!! We both are finishing up our last year of undergraduate here in the next year, and our wedding date is end of November. We both live in the south, our families are from here and they all live close by too so help with our boy is not an issue, but there is an issue.

 

We've been together for just over 2 years now. She was pregnant about 5 months into our relationship and I asked her to marry me 3 months later. Our relationship was wonderful until a few months after our son was born. Initially we would split the duties of him evenly, but she would eventually become incredibly demanding and controlling for every facet of our lives, even to our friends! After many arguments she finally started to realize what she was doing and honestly, she is much better in that aspect. *

 

HowEver, over the past 5 months or so, I absolutely have lost a connection with her. I do love her, and I love her so much for being the mother of my son and being a good mom. We've actually talked about the treatment of each other should we fall out, and I know she would be respectful to me because she had to live in a house divided. She is alwAys asking me things like, "you sure this is where you want to be? You sure you love me? You shouldn't stay with me just for our son." and it drives me crazy, because I can't be put on the spot like that... I've tried so hard not to feel this way and wish it weren't so. What do I do? I can't waste any more of our lives...how do you say something like that to someone?

[CatchersRye]

Is that how you feel? Or is her questions placing doubt in your head?

 

It could be that she feels she doesn't deserve you. But that line of questioning can do harm if it continues. Her family was a divided? Her mother and father divorced I guess?

 

If so, then she could just have that fear of losing you, yet her questioning your motives only makes you doubt your place.

 

I cannot tell for sure how you feel. You talk mostly about the situation and how she questions you. What don't you talk more about how you feel?

 

If you desire her to stop questioning you in that regard, then simply tell her you will not go anyway, but she has to stop asking you if you want to go. She can't be in a relationship with someone she continually doubts wants to be there.

 

So again, how do you feel? How did you feel when the relationship started? How did you feel when you learned you were going to be a father? How do you feel about her as a woman and as a significant partner?

[Mjenk]

When the relationship started, I was on cloud nine really. She's attractive, liked everything I liked, just had lots of fun together. When I learned I was going to be a father, I was pretty surprised at first, but very confident and collected. I'd been around children as I have a handful of nieces and nephews, and my family is incredibly supportive and close by. I see her as a great mother to my son, and I really do feel she has the best intentions in life. As my significant other, over time I found also that we really don't have very many shared interests. Our religious views are polar opposites, we don't like the same things anymore (I think it was just part of her ploy to be with me in the beginning IMO) , she doesn't understand my career (Health Care), and she can be quite rough to deal with when it comes to hear being motivated about things. I feel as if there is no connection anymore as well...She tries to kiss me and such sometimes when just lying in bed or relaxing but I almost feel annoyed by it. And her doubts only make me feel like everything she does is overly done, borderline clingy. I know the saying is "Opposites Attract," but I feel that is BS. You have to have similar things to do and share. And I feel as if the only thing we really share besides time is our child. I hate feeling this way. I hate the thought of hurting her.

[CatchersRye]

Okay, well I was thinking about the opposites attract recently and my girlfriend and I are fairly opposite. She's more developed in her career, she's very much into science fiction whereas I'm not, she doesn't like country music, and she's quieter than me. I guess she's a bit introverted where I'm social-able.

 

Yet we share a desire for clear communication and understanding, we both value volunteer work, we both enjoy similar tv shows like Men At Work or House. We both enjoy exercising, hiking, and doing things outside of being at home.

 

She may have changed a bit due to having a baby and changing some priorities, I dunno.

 

Sometimes when big events like this happen, you need to step back and think about what attracted you to her now. What were the basic traits. I doubt the fact if for example, her liking rock-n-roll was the big attraction. She's moved into a new role and sometimes we have to recall what their role was before and communicate that we desire to see a bit more of those traits.

 

Is it necessary for her to understand Health Care? My girlfriend's in IT and I don't need to understand that for me to desire her. Unless it comes down to personal ideals that conflict. Maybe she doesn't see the Health Care system as something useful and that bothers you, I dunno.

 

This is one reason, and I don't mean to offend, but having a child so soon in a relationship can throw a wrench into things. She got pregnant within 5 months and within my first 5 months there was still loads of stuff my girlfriend and I didn't talk about or were just getting into.

 

All of a sudden your relationship changes to prepare for this newborn. And I commend you for still wanting to be around the child and this is a delicate situation.

 

Are you 100% sure you want to end things? Have you talked with family? Is there any other pressures you feel?

 

All I can say is open some clear communication and maybe see if someone can watch the baby. That way it is just you and her. How much time do you guys get to be just a couple?

 

You have to be honest with her, know your feelings, and communicate concisely to her. Don't place blame on either one of you. Just state that your feeling detached from her or whatever you do feel.

 

Also, I wonder have you been talking to anyone on the side? Flirting with anyone? Going out with anyone? Plan on going out with anyone?

 

I hope that you don't because that will harm the mother of your child and the relationship to both the mother and to your child.

 

Not to mention, if that is the case, and I do not know if it is, then you could be confusing that excitement or whatever, with attraction. You could be comparing what that girl has but the mother of your child doesn't. Which does not mean that potential new relationship will be better.

 

I just hope you have been clear and honest with us about everything that is going through your mind and heart. Otherwise, our advice doesn't mean anything if we don't have the truth.

 

I do hope you wait for some other people to respond, preferably females. As I am uncomfortable being the only one responding.