Having a hard time Letting myself Love again.

[Lovebug101]

Starting from the beginning, I had a very tough break up with a guy who meant a lot to me. I moved away from home for him after a year of dating. I fell in love with him immediately, or at least I thought I did. I thought he was really cute, smart and charming. All the things you look for as a teenager, to me he had. We had a lot of natural fun together, doing whatever we wanted. We had many inside jokes, silly kiddy voices and lived a "cutesy" teen relationship from the age of 17-20. He made me laugh so easily.

 

Let's just say he knew how and when to make me laugh.

You'd think that was a good thing, but it really wasn't. It was only a way for him to distract me from ever having a serious talk. I would often want to tell him how important he was to me, he would say I was saying it too much, I would tell him I love him, he'd respond the same. It would kill me. I never knew where our relationship was going. We had been living together for 2 years and he still couldn't see us with any future, all his responses were "let's just play it day by day". It got old.

Occasionally, he'd get vulnerable and tell me something he felt for me. Boy, that meant like a million dollars to me but really it as the smallest most rare thing I could hear. I would say I constantly overcompensated for what he didn't feel....making anything he did admit be as big as the world.

No surprise, he ended at close to three years together. Even though I knew it was coming, I dreaded the day. I moved back home, got back into my life in my hometown.

 

I had me time for a good year and a half. Dated a bit within and 1.5 years, but ended everything because I wasn't into it, or forced myself not to be. Deep down no one made me feel like he did, or I didn't let them stick around long enough too.

 

I have been home for 2 years now.

I met this amazing guy 6 months ago. He loves me more than life. No joke! He is amazing at expressing how he feels, and what he sees with me. he treats me like a queen and expects nothing in return. I care about him so much.

When we first met he was a guy that really caught my attention, he listened attentively to all my crazy stories. We just enjoyed each others company it was easy.

As the months have gone by here I am writing to you. We're still together. He still treats me like the same queen, listens, makes me laugh he is perfect for me!

But...he's the thing. We've passed the time I would have ended things because I got to scared to go further. But I am scared. As the days go by I find i am too hard on the poor guy, and hes just trying to make me smile. I am trying to push him away. I am still scared of what happened in my past even though it has been two years.

Any little "wrong" thing he says I will blow up in a big deal to make him feel worse. Little things he does sometimes get to me, but it may just be a way for me to start something (to push him away)...

I am not this person who gets frustrated constantly and angry over silly things....we deserve to love each other...how do I let myself love him with that risk of him possibly leaving me, and better yet, how can I let him him love me! Because he's amazing at it!

 

Please help!

Thanks for listening...any advice would help.

[SuperDuper]

Think about this... if you told him this:

 

As the days go by I find i am too hard on the poor guy, and hes just trying to make me smile. I am trying to push him away. I am still scared of what happened in my past even though it has been two years.

Any little "wrong" thing he says I will blow up in a big deal to make him feel worse. Little things he does sometimes get to me, but it may just be a way for me to start something (to push him away)...:sad: !"

 

He would then understand your point of view; two things can be said about this. He seems to really love you so he'll appreciate your honesty and respect you for it. Also, he will then know that when you're blowing up at him it's because of these silly (past-oriented) reasons. On top of this, you'll know he's aware of the reason and it will therefore be in the foreground to discuss -- and perhaps even laugh about.

 

My point is, right now it's kind of like your own "hidden" issue and it really doesn't have to be. Get over the past... it's called the past for a reason. Just learn from it and that's all you can do. This guy seems legit so treat him like he deserves and don't let past boyfriend's behaviour dictate what you think your current guy will do, it's unfair to him and to you.

 

Good luck.