How to learn to trust again?

[Worriedgirl]

So pretty new here and I won't go into too much detail. My boyfriend of two years is 21, I'm 28. We met online and we are still currently a ldr and for so many reasons we have had a pretty rocky relationship, but we have great chemistry. Anyway we've broken up and made up a fair amount through the last few years, mainly because of his age, different stages of life and me just not being supportive/understanding enough.

 

Anyway back in late December, we had our worst fight yet. So much so that, he called his ex gf that night who has been trying to contact and date him since we met. In his mind, he was done with the relationship with me but just hadn't said the official words yet(which he did a few days later). Either way, long story short, a week or so later they start talking and end up sleeping together, about a week after we broke up. A few weeks later, I had a pregnancy scare(im not pregnant)and we had to start talking again. One thing sorta led to another, we started talking and decided to get back together. Except he never told me about his ex and him sleeping together. He told me they talked but nothing more. He lied to me I three separate occasions about it. Finally when I went to see him another later, I saw the old messages between him and her and I confronted him about it bc I has solid proof. He finally had to come clean and told me the truth that he slept with her bc he knew if he did, it would end us bc I wouldnt forgive him and at that point, he just wanted us over.I couldn't believe it because I never thought he was like that and couldn't believe he lied to me. He just said he lied bc he didn't wanna hurt me. We talked and talked and I cried and asked him a hundred questions. And he was there through it all, was amazing. UndouObtedly I took him back bc I'm in love with him. It's been very hard and I'm not sure I can forgive him. Technically I know we weren't together when he slept with her, but it was so quick after the break up and he lied to me about it. And i think more than that, I knew he would run to another girls arms when we had a rough time. He always said he wouldn't and eventually I believed him bc he was always honest with me. But now that this happened I find it so hard to trust him still and his judgment.

 

I talk to him about this constantly and he is patient and understanding, but someone can only be so patient with all the doubt and worry, right? He says he is being honest and for the most part I believe him, but being a ldr makes it so hard. * I always doubt if he is really where he says he is or if he is talking to any other girls. It's making me worry, upset, and always doubting him is ruining our relationship. I want to trust him and I want to stop doubting but I cant seem to help let that small flicker of doubt creep into my mind and question. And even if I don't accuse him, it just puts me in a bad mood and he can sense that as well. I want to make this work as we love each other. I guess my question is where do I go from here, how can I start trusting him again? Being long distance makes it impossible to actually verify anything in terms of rebuilding trust. Any help would be great. Thanks! *

[Heather Dawn]

I think the main issue here is that you're in a long-distance relationship with someone who, at 21, is in a very different stage of life than you (down the line, the age difference won't matter as much, but right now it's huge). It sounds like the relationship has been fraught with tension and negativity from the very beginning, so if I were you, I'd ask myself exactly what you're getting out of it that's positive.

 

Doing what he did (going to his ex to push you away) is very immature and indicative of his still being very young, mentally. Are you sure that you, as a 28-year-old woman, want to wait while he grows up? And not even be in the same place as him while he does it?

[Worriedgirl]

I think the main issue here is that you're in a long-distance relationship with someone who, at 21, is in a very different stage of life than you (down the line, the age difference won't matter as much, but right now it's huge). It sounds like the relationship has been fraught with tension and negativity from the very beginning, so if I were you, I'd ask myself exactly what you're getting out of it that's positive.

 

Doing what he did (going to his ex to push you away) is very immature and indicative of his still being very young, mentally. Are you sure that you, as a 28-year-old woman, want to wait while he grows up? And not even be in the same place as him while he does it?

 

 

One of the hardest things about us is the discouragement, questions, and negativity we get from others. You can't help who you love. And since I have decided to be with him, I have naturally thought of all these things before getting into a relationship with him. The fact of the matter is, yes I do love him and yes I do want to be with him, despite the hurdles. I think the best things on life are hard and have to be worked for. And realizing that later in life, he will mature mentally and these things won't be issues give us hope to continue in the relationship. I came here, however, to gain advice on the hurdles that exist inherently in us. So yes, I have thought long and hard about these things before committing two years. Do I feel he is worth it? Absolutely. Do I think we will work out for sure? Hard to say, but it's a chance I want to take.

 

With that said, can anyone please offer advice on how to trust again, bc surely I am not the only one who has issues of trust in her relationship.

[Moneypenny]

I think the main issue here is that you're in a long-distance relationship with someone who, at 21, is in a very different stage of life than you (down the line, the age difference won't matter as much, but right now it's huge). It sounds like the relationship has been fraught with tension and negativity from the very beginning, so if I were you, I'd ask myself exactly what you're getting out of it that's positive.

 

Doing what he did (going to his ex to push you away) is very immature and indicative of his still being very young, mentally. Are you sure that you, as a 28-year-old woman, want to wait while he grows up? And not even be in the same place as him while he does it?

 

Worriedgirl, I have to agree 100% with HeatherDawn, that the age gap between you in this phase of his, and your youth, is absolutely HUGE. He is 21, and has only just reached legality for many 'grown up' things. You are 28 - a maturing woman, with innate and very specific age-related emotional needs. You are 7 years ahead of him on the life experience scale; add another 2 years for the emotional maturity scale - 9 years then. I speak from experience. This is a hard road to travel, and I'm not just talking about having to deal with what other people might say or think, or gossip about. The truth is, and what you may feel, is that, it's none of their business....and, I agree it's not, because, it's your life.

 

This guy is going to break your heart again further down the line. He's in the prime of his life right now, and you are striving for a serious, and mature relationship with someone who has had much, much less life/emotional/romantic experiences than you have.

 

I was with my ex-husband for 12 years, he was 24 at the time, and I, 36 - he came with no baggage, and was a breath of fresh air for me. But we were never able to bridge the emotional age gap. His 'immaturity' used to drive me insane, and visa versa - he never understood where I was coming from - which was years ahead of him!

 

Worriedgirl, you are in a long-distance 'relationship' with this guy too!! Not to mention the fact that he ran into the arms of his ex-girlfriend when things got a little sticky between the two of you. I wouldn't actually say that this was immature behaviour, because it's the sort of behaviour you'd expect from someone of that age, who has little experience to go on - a knee jerk reaction, if you like - because they have no idea as to what else to do.

 

So, on to to your original question...TRUST. Look at the bigger picture here...the picture of HIM; him, at this stage in his life, not being able to cope emotionally in par with yours....I really don't think it's a question of trust....I think you're asking/expecting too much of a situation that is inevitably going to end in tears.

[Heather Dawn]

Relationships take work - of course. Anything worth having around requires upkeep and effort. But you're wrong when you think the best things in life should be hard. If something is an uphill battle more often than it is a downhill coast (or even simply a flat plateau which requires equal parts peddling and coasting), then you need to ask whether it's the right thing for you.

 

It worries me that you're also banking on the fact that he'll mature eventually. You're right, he will. But he's 21. He's just barely out of the teenage years, and only now legal to drink, gamble and do other "adult" things. He has years ahead of him of emotional development, during which he'll be finding out who he really is as a person, what he wants from life and who he wants to share it with. The hard truth is that the boy (and, sorry, at 21 he's still a boy) you know now isn't necessarily the man he's yet to become. Are you, a woman who's already light-years ahead in regard to emotional maturity and stage of life, willing to wait maybe ten years for him to move from boy to man (if the relationship actually lasts that long) - only to very likely find out that you both no longer want/need the same things?

 

I'm not saying this to be mean. Believe me, I'm not. But I don't think anyone here predicts a good outcome for a situation where there's both a huge age gap and a long-distance issue and the precedent of this being a not-so-healthy relationship to begin with - and we're trying to save you even more heartache down the line.