to tell ex or not to tell ex

[playstheblues]

I've decided to take the new job I've been offered, so I will be moving back to the city where my ex lives. This is a big step for me and I'm petrified.

 

I have spoken to my therapist who suggested I tell him I'm returning as it may help to take the anxiety out of the situation for me. I agree with her, but I also don't really want to contact him because it's been a good stint of NC and I would prefer him to contact me.

 

Obviously, I want to do the best thing for me- to make returning less scary for me, and to also to make him realise that my life doesn't revolve around him anymore.

 

If I do tell him, I will be less scared. Does anyone have any thoughts?

 

Obviously if I didn't care for him at all and didn't still love him, I wouldn't tell him as even if I ran into him, It wouldn't affect me anyway. If I ran into him now (esp if he's with smoeone else- I don't think I will handle it too well.)

 

You may think this is ridiculous, but I don't want to do anything that would stuff up my chances of reconciliation in the future ( I don't realistically think there are any) but that's still something that is on my mind as I still desperately miss him, so I thought it best to be honest.

[seoulmate]

"..., and to also to make him realise that my life doesn't revolve around him anymore."

 

Much of what you wrote in this post conflicts with one another. In particular, this statement above.

 

Your life DOES still revolve around him because you are suffering anxiety from this new job/move. Just that fact alone, along with your last few paragraphs ("stuff up chances...") actually signals the opposite of the statement I quoted above.

 

You are having difficulty moving on and difficulty with this move because of the fact that you allow him (without him even knowing) to influence your life choices. Just that fact alone will continue to withhold you from any kind of healing.

 

Question for you....when will you give up hope? When he marries someone else? Seriously....at what point will you let go?

[playstheblues]

I am conflicted- hence writing a thread about it. I'm trying my best to do as best I can in the situation and do what is right for me. I suppose I'll let go when I'm ready to let go- but no one can accuse me of not trying desperately to do so.

 

I'm making this step so that my life DOESN'T revolve around him any longer. If I let him influence me, I would never return to that city, but by returning, I think I'm taking a big step.

[seoulmate]

Nobody is accusing you of "not trying desperately to do so"....I just point out that someone who is trying to let go ("desperately" as you say) does not also hope for reconciliation and makes decisions that do not hurt the chance of future reconciliation. This will only lead you to continued pain.

 

I agree that accepting the job is a way of moving on. I disagree with contacting him to inform him of this is connected to the "moving on".

 

Are possibly hoping to send him a signal? Like...if he thinks my life doesn't revolve around him anymore, and I'm okay with this move and this job, that he'll start to wonder if you are "moving on"....is this part of your strategy in contacting him and "letting him know".

 

If inside, you want this to be a result of the contact then tread carefully. Moving on is truly moving on. And if you have not "moved on" then leading him to believe this before it has actually happened could lead to more pain for you.

[playstheblues]

Agghhhh! I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him from my life- but I'm aware that isn't within my control. I really don't know what to do or how to act? I don't want to move on - but do I really have a choice?

 

I didn't initially want to tell him at all, but my therpaist suggested it because I'm so apprehensive about going. SHe thought if he knew, I wouldn't feel like I was hiding, and I wouldn't worry about running into him around any corner- which is definitely true.

 

I also don't want to contact him because I have been in NC- btu I don't know if that is just for the sake of it- and if it is- what is the sake of that?!

[seoulmate]

Well, I'm not a therapist so I don't want to roll down that hill...

 

But as a member here and someone who wants to help (part of helping is getting to the truth), I am not going to see things through rose-colored glasses. I'll give it to you with my own insight and be straight with you.

 

First, accepting the job and the move was a huge decision for you. Yes, it is a great opportunity for your career. But, let's be honest -- it's a great opportunity to also be closer to your ex. To give him the chance to see you "moving on" and to make him re-think his decision. You can say otherwise and try to tell yourself otherwise but this is very evident from much of your posts. Let's be honest here...you want him back. You've said so let's not analyze this too much.

 

Now, one of the things I see you doing is relying on other people to make (or rather, confirm) decisions for you. Even taking this job I recall a post where you leaned on another member's advice about this huge decision in your life. Now, you are telling us that you'd rather not contact him but your therapist told you it may help you. Question is not is your therapist correct? Because if he/she is incorrect then who pays the "pain bill"? You! ... You suffer the consequences. Right now, you know the consequences of no contact: fear, anguish, loneliness, etc.. But these are contained. Contained because you are controlling this pain. You've seen it's worst side and felt it's worst.

 

Have you thought about what contacting him may lead him to do? If you haven't considered those scenarios then you better start. If you look at this from a "contacting heals my pain" point-of-view only then you are forgetting that there are two people involved in this break-up. One of them doesn't want to be with you anymore. Now you are proposing to contact that person and inform them that you'll be seeing them sometimes so don't be shocked! What if he is shocked? What if he throws out the word "stalker"? What if requests a restraining order? What if he flips his lid and moves away? A lot of scenarios.

 

Take the job. Make the move. Go on with your life. That is not giving up hope. That is starting the process of moving on. But you are scared of lions and yet propsoing to step right into the lion's den, then go feed them (by contacting him).

 

So....are you gonna trust your therapist? Trust a member here? or, are you gonna trust what you believe is right for you? ...Only you can decide.

[peacepipe]

also to make him realise that my life doesn't revolve around him anymore.

 

if you tell him then it does .

 

you have to ask yourself if he has given you a low down of his movements , if you know where he lives , if you

know what he is doing ?

 

I know your doing this for you and to help you make that move back , but I wonder what it will achieve . The gut wrenching agony of him not caring ? the gut wrenching agony of him not even responding , the gut wrenching agony of him not offering to have a catch up , the gut wrenching agony of been there , knowing he knows your there and .....nothing ...not even a text to ask how your new job is ..

 

in my mind your setting yourself up for more heartache.

 

your exposing your emotions to him , your exposing your fears to him , and by doing that it zaps any strength you have ..and you need strength to do this .. you need to muster up every bit of power within you and go floating back to that city with a smile on your face and safe within the knowledge that it will filter back to him..but you have just got on with life and done your thing for you .

[peacepipe]

for the record ....the simple answer to your op is

 

 

no ...I wouldn't tell him

[crashboombang]

Thought I'd reply as I potentially could be facing the same situation myself at some point this year. My BU was at the end of April, so still very recent and raw, it was his choice not mine and I'd moved 50 miles away to live with him last September. When he dumped me, I had to move back to my parent's house, which is where I am now. Along with the BU, I also lost my job on the same day because he literally threw me out of his house, and I had no time whatsoever to try to arrange any other accommodation locally so I could have stayed in my job, and commuting there from my parents house when I moved back would have been impossible for me,so I had to resign. I was very into my job, its quite a specialist area of work and I loved it, so as you can imagine I am pretty distraught

 

Since the BU, I have actually applied for three jobs in my line of work, one of them is in his city (well, he lives in a village just outside the city so chances of running into him during everyday life would be very, very slim), and two of the jobs are in a town slightly west of his city, and again, depending on where I chose to live, I doubt I'd bump into him. I made the applications because, despite the problems in the relationship, I loved living in that part of the country, the locals were friendly, and also I'd be able to afford to rent a room in a shared house. Down here, in my home town, property is too expensive for me to be able to do that, and also feel that there is nothing left for me down here now (apart from my mum and dad obviously! lol) But, I do still feel that I had a life up there with my ex, and I'd begun to make some friends, and he has ruined that for me, I also very much want my career back and these jobs I have applied for would allow me to continue building my career.

 

So OP, if I was to be offered one of these jobs, I face a similar dilemma. Due to my ex being abusive (I intend to post a new thread soon detailing my story as I am still suffering a lot since the BU), I am sure he will stay single as he fully acknowledged that he had problems and needs help and he isnt the sort of guy to go quickly into a new relationship, so what I'm saying is I am sure I wouldnt see him around town with a new woman on his arm any time soon. I am almost certain that I would not be messaging him to tell him I'd moved back up. I may text one of the friends I'd made, to tell her Id moved back.. her and her husband see him a few times a week in the local pub so I wonder if he'd find out that way.

 

So my advice to you would be to not tell him. Because the very act of telling him kind of shows that you are still thinking about him enough to send that message! Dont mean to be unkind... so dont take it the wrong way. Also, like you, I would face the agony of him not getting in touch for a catch up, and for me, that would be too much to bear. Far better to let the info that you are back, filter back to him and then it is in HIS hands, if fate is going to make your paths cross again at some point in the future, then it will... but if not.. then you have your answer. If he wants to find you then he will but hun... regardless of where you're living, if he wanted to find you then he'd find a way anyway... that is the cruel reality and is what I have to tell myself, as hard as it is xx

[Ms Darcy]

I think the problem is that you don't want to move on. Perhaps you should talk to your therapist about strategies for letting go of someone.

 

Don't tell him. Focus on how the job fits into your career goals before making decisions and not him.

[OneSadPuppy]

PTB, I can offer no further interpretation to what's already been said.

However, if you choose to make your decision known and are worried about breaking NC, you're still in touch with his mother are you not?

Perhaps that is a way to communicate this.

 

OSP

[MikNomis]

Don't say anything. It is the best move for sure.

[lavenderdove]

OK, since he isn't a part of your life now and hasn't been for awhile, i think you need to put this in perspective.

 

Unless the city is really tiny, odds of running into him are pretty small. And if you are anxious about that, then what you need to tell yourself is that if you DO run into him, you can always communicate with him THEN (and after the fact) based on how you respond and what the contact is like.

 

for example, perhaps you see him from afar and he doesn't see you. then no need to contact him.

 

or he sees you and you have a nice chat. then no need to worry about it and no need to contact in advance.

 

or he's with a woman and sees you and you get upset. then you walk away, and send him an email later and say you're sorry but you're still not quite over it and hope he understands as you didn't mean to make a scene.

 

so most scenarios mean you don't need to contact him. and if you want to leave the door open (and he does have your phone # so he can call you if he changes his mind about you), then best to just go about your business and not contact him. if he does contact you again you can tell him you moved to his city again and what is going on with you, but otherwise it is best to just leave it be rather than stirring up all the emotions etc. again.

 

even the idea of returning to his city is stirring up all kinds of anxiety in you, so i'm not sure how well you'd respond if you contacted him and he didn't respond, or he responded badly, or he responded neutrally, or he responded that he and his GF are doing fine etc. You don't want a big setback right before you're starting a new job and need your wits about you. Better to just focus on the new job and the move and recognize that if you DO run into him, there are lots of outcomes that involve him not even seeing you, or your ability to deal with it at the time rather than worrying about it way in advance, especially when it most likely won't happen.

 

If you do decide to let him know, just send him a short chatty email that says something like, 'hey, i got a new job and moving back to town. hope you are doing well.' then leave it at that. and prepare yourself for the fact that he may not respond, or may respond with nothing much, or may respond negatively.

[JA0371]

I pretty much agree with all of this. Great advice.

[playstheblues]

Thanks so much for all of your advice. I thought about it carefully and decided to go with letting him know I was going to work in our old city, not because I wanted to feel closer to him (in fact- I decided in advance I would refuse any requests by him to catch up) and just for myself because I did not want to be worried about running into him.

 

So far, I'm happy with my decision. I just wrote a quick "hope you're well- wanted to let you know I'm working here now. Etc" I did it via text as I didn't want it to be too long and he wrote back, in a very open and nice way. I'm sure he appreciated me letting him know for whatever reasons.

 

If the man I spent 9 years with accused me of stalking him because I wrote a message to him telling I'm moving back to our old city- id suggest that may be slightly ridiculous. My behaviour towards him hasn't been crazy at all- I manage to keep that contained within my head (or my posts on here!!)

 

I think this resonated with me and i feel good about it as it was the most honest decision for me. I didn't want to be stressed out about running into him (which I would have been) and in the reverse situation, I'd appreciate him letting me know. I realise I'm probably feeling good right about now because we have had contact and that will fade as time goes on and there is no more, but at least I'm not going to be stressing about t hat when I should be worrying about my new role snd my own life.

 

I also understand that although he sort of 'joked' about catching up- (he jokingly offered for me to come and do some labour he has to do (I hated it when we were together) we won't be catching up and he probably won't make any more attempts to contact me. Although that's not my ultimate outcome and i wiool be sad about that in the coming weeks, I have to work through that. I'm glad that I'm okay and calmer than I was before hand regarding this massive decision that I know i made souly for me and not him.

[One day]

Glad your feeling calmer PTB after sending it.

 

At the end of the day if it's something you felt in your heart of hearts that you had to do then good for you. Hope you keep strong and don't let the worry of bumping into him become an issue, we have a tendency to over analyse situations in our post BU state of mind.

 

OD

[seoulmate]

I'm glad you made the decision based on what would make you feel better and not what a therapist suggested you should or should not do.

 

As for the "stalker" comment,...you chose that specific quote of mine and compared it to your 9 years of relationship. Understand that I gave you the worst outcomes and not necessarily the likeliest. Making you think before you act.

[playstheblues]

Which I totally appreciate. Thanks Seoul mate.

[peacepipe]

I am happy for you that you reached your own comfortable decision about this , shows great strength of character .

[crashboombang]

Fair play Glad you did the right thing for you.