How can I convince him to give it another shot without seeming desperate?

[starsAlign]

Alright, I Totally blew it with a guy but want a second go at it - do I stand a chance?

 

We were emailing once a week or so for a couple of months - just casual emails learning more about each other and all that. I'd known who he was for a while and was excited to get to know him.

 

I guess I am 'on the hunt' and have been for a while now so I was expecting things to move faster than he was. (I don't know if that's absurd to expect more frequent emails than one email every week - but I was getting frustrated.

 

So we finally met for coffee. I had been building up to it for a few months and for some reason went silent when I met him. I was excited and nervous and just had way too much going on to 'be myself'. Mind you I can usually walk circles around guys and am a natural flirt, etc - I usually have no problem chatting with guys.

 

It wasn't a great first meet. A million thoughts went through my mind after, to text him and make a joke about it being awkward, etc, etc - but again I just didn't. We had a few messages go back and forth after but again I wasn't hearing anything properly from him - so it was clear, he wasn't interested.

 

I was getting mixed messages from him and was already confused as it was. I finally sent him a text saying what's up - if you're not interested let's just be adults and be clear so we're not wasting each other's time kind of thing. He replied that he didn't feel chemistry and that he hoped we could remain friends. UGHHHHHHHH.

 

I agreed and wished him well - the chemistry was there and it wasn't. I think we both felt nervous and awkward and so it just kinda shut things off.

 

I am posting this because I am interested in him. He was/is a genuinely decent guy - and one of the first things I look for in a guy is, is he the kind of guy I would hang out with, goof around with, be friends with - and he totally was. To the point where I was just too excited that I was too nervous!

 

I want to know if there's a chance we could try again. I HATE initiating - I like guys pursuing and I feel desperate when I'm the one going after the guy.

 

Any thoughts on how / if this still stands a chance and how I could try again (without seeming desperate?)

 

We don't just run into each other - so I can't just conveniently walk up to him and say 'hi'. I'd have to get in touch with him directly.

 

I know it's easy to say 'move on / next' - but I assure you - I wouldn't be wasting my time posting this if I didn't think it was worth it. I'm in my early 30s and I'd say I've met at least a couple of guys a month in the last few years- and that adds up to A Lot. This is the first time I've felt like whoa - he could be the one.

 

Advice? Thoughts?

[Glowguy]

I think you have a couple of options but it's probably a long shot.

 

You could go along with his friends suggestion. Maybe that will take some of the pressure off and he will warm up to you if you ramp up the flirty aspect of you personality. I think most guys can be pulled out of the friend zone.

 

Or just be honest with him and tell him what you said here - that you were really nervous and would appreciate another chance to meet up. Maybe center it around an activity so you both can loosen up a bit.

[thepain]

i too was on a first date this weekend where the whole ordeal was so awkward. i really like the guy and i think we were both nervous but more on my side. i too was totally not myself. words were just stuck in my throat. my guy did mention something in the line of seeing each other again so i'll see.

[RedDress]

Nah... honestly? Once a week emails? C'mon. You know that's not normal. No truly available man wants to email with a girl once a week and go for coffee after months.

 

I think this guy is unavailable. I don't think it has anything to do with you or with how you might have been nervous. I think he's just not all that interested in a proper relationship (despite what he may say). Can you imagine how slow and painful this relationship would be if you DID get a second chance? You want to get together once a month? (you always get together less than you talk...) How long will it take for him to meet your family (good gawd!) or... yanno... use the "boyfriend" label

 

Forget this relationship. It will be like watching paint dry... only slower.

[starsAlign]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I feel uncomfortable setting up another date. I think it will inflate his ego and make me look desperate. (Am I wrong to think like this?)

 

I send out occasional emails to friends to ask for help for some charity work I'm involved with. I was thinking to include him on the next email - hoping he'd reply - but I'm thinking if he's not interested he won't bother...? (I thought that could be a nice light way to meet up that would take the tension off of things).

 

Or I was also thinking that I send out a mass text to friends wishing them a happy holiday (religious holiday coming up soon) and including him on that.

[starsAlign]

Hah - thanks redDress. I felt that way to some extent too. I've talked to guys who are interested, and they will pursue you if they are - from the get go he seemed a bit flakey. But alas, I am hung up on him.

It's just that, the other guys I meet who are interested - I'd be compromising on the things that are on my 'must have' list - and I don't want to do that.

[SuperDuper]

The thing with (discretely) including him in a mass text/email is that it seems you have ulterior motives. Whether he realizes this or not isn't the issue, it's the fact that if he doesn't reply to the message you may assume he's uninterested in you when he might just be uninterested/unavailable for the activity.

 

I also don't think it matters how he takes your second initiative to meet up. Whether it inflates his ego or not doesn't matter... it's not your goal one way or the other right? Your goal is to pursue him with the potential of developing a relationship. So then I think you just need to be clear with him that you were nervous and would like another shot. If he says no or mentions just "friends" again, then I think you should move on. Everybody deserves a second chance and he might respect your confidence by taking another shot, he might even be flattered.

 

I don't think there's anything to lose... and if you don't try then you'll likely regret it. And from my experience regret hurts worse than rejection and lasts a lot longer.

 

from the get go he seemed a bit flakey. But alas, I am hung up on him.

 

We all want what we can't have (easily).

[Ms Darcy]

Hah - thanks redDress. I felt that way to some extent too. I've talked to guys who are interested, and they will pursue you if they are - from the get go he seemed a bit flakey. But alas, I am hung up on him.

It's just that, the other guys I meet who are interested - I'd be compromising on the things that are on my 'must have' list - and I don't want to do that.

 

Have you considered that being with you would mean that he probably would be compromising on his must have list too?

 

He was never really interested and the meeting only confirmed it. I think you should respect his honesty and move on.

[calichick007]

Haven't you posted about this a few times under another username? I'm not sure if you're just looking for other answers because you don't like the ones you've already gotten, but my feeling is the same. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel it. You can't MAKE him feel something he doesn't.

[bebeblondie]

I get that you like him, but I just can't understand how you can be so hung up on him if the first meeting was so awkward. Usually its the first meeting that you go off of to judge whether or not there is an attraction (which is extremely important), if its an awkward meeting usually the attraction is pretty low, whether you're shy or not. For me a big part of these first meetings are to see how comfortable I feel around the guy, if I don't feel comfortable enough to be myself, Im usually not into them, no matter how good looking they are or how charming they were over texts and emails. That being said its perfectly normal to feel nervous going into a first date, but once im there if I'm still not comfortable after the first 15 minutes, chances are we're not a match.

 

The guy didn't feel the chemistry...that's all you need to know....guys need to feel an instant attraction to you, if they don't feel it you can send him all the emails and mass texts in the world, it's not going to change how he feels.