Anyone else feel like you did everything right?

[tothecoast]

Hey guys--some of you know my story already in here. I was with my girlfriend for 2 years, we had a very "viable" relationship (loving, honest, communicative, full of chemistry, not codependent, no cheating, etc etc). We broke up because she was struggling with mental health issues and decided she couldn't be in a relationship. That was 5 weeks ago. One week later I cut off contact, and we haven't had any contact in 4 weeks.

 

This has been unbelievably, unbearably painful and hard for me. These days, every moment (literally) feels like I'm fighting to be okay. And lately, one thing I've been thinking about is: how frustrating it is that I feel like I did everything right.

 

A little background--before my current ex, I had a really messy, really intense, really unhealthy 3-year relationship. In that relationship, we did everything wrong--we were codependent, we cheated on each other, we hurt each other, we lied to each other. In the end, the entire thing pretty much burst into flames. I did everything wrong in the breakup, too--begged, sent emails, called her at 3 am to ask if we would ever get back together. I was a mess.

 

After that relationship, though, I spent a couple years alone, and they were some of the best of my life. I spent a LOT of time reflecting on my failed relationship and what had gone wrong--where my unhealthy patterns in it had come from, and how I had contributed to our unhealthy patterns as a couple. I went through the pain, wrote a lot, strengthened my relationships with family and friends, and built my life into a life I could feel really good about. I really feel like I did some deep soul-searching in that time, and really spent a lot of time finding forgiveness within myself--for both me and her.

 

By the time I met my current ex, I think I was the best, healthiest version of myself I've ever been. I was really at peace with myself, really happy with who I was, and really happy being single. Though I was slow to commit to a new relationship, I did commit, and I found myself able to be the partner I'd always wanted to be. I'm not saying I didn't have faults--of course, I'm human, and I'm a work in progress! But overall, our relationship was totally the opposite of my old relationship. It was healthy, honest, loving, and I felt really good about the partner I was.

 

Then my girlfriend started struggling with her mental health (as she has, to some extent, her entire life) and began to pull away from me because of it. Even when that happened, I think I dealt with it as best as I could have. I didn't get clingy and I didn't get crazy. We talked about it honestly and lovingly and I gave her tons of space. I began to feel a little insecure (as I think many people would if their partner suddenly pulled away overnight), but I dealt with my insecurity by talking through it in therapy and with friends--NOT with her.

 

In the end, she didn't get any better. She went to therapy briefly and then quit. She was not in a very stable place, by her own admission. And eventually, she decided she couldn't be in a relationship. When we broke up, I didn't freak out, I didn't beg, and I didn't make a fool of myself. We talked through it, again with love and honesty, and she cried in my arms for a long time. A week later, I told her I couldn't talk to her for a couple of months while I healed. And I haven't spoken to her since.

 

I guess my point is--it's NOT that I think I'm perfect, because I'm far from it. But I had a relationship that crashed and burned, and I learned a lot from it. And when I came to this relationship, I was pretty damn ready to do things right...and by and large, I think I did. When I think about what I would do differently if I could go back in time, of course there are things I would change--but for the most part, I think I did my best with the knowledge I had.

 

And it's just so f***ing frustrating and discouraging, because it's like--this means that even if you're a relatively healthy, happy, independent person, and you do your best in your relationships...you can STILL get burned. If "doing everything right" earned me this breakup...what now?! Am I just doomed for life? Apparently even my best self is incapable of having a successful relationship.

 

And the kicker, the huge irony, is...while I felt like the best version of myself when I came to this relationship, it seems like, post-breakup, I am the worst version of myself. I came to this relationship having dealt with all my baggage, and now I feel like I got stuck with a whole new baggage cart. This breakup has f***ed me up so badly, and shot through my self esteem so badly that I can't remember how good I used to feel about myself.

 

It just feels so unfair. I worked so hard to do things differently in this relationship...and in the end, it feels like they were totally out of my control. If my best self can't have a happy, successful relationship...what the hell is gonna happen to me?

[tothecoast]

By the way--I've thought a lot about this, and I guess the one thing I could've done differently would've been to break up with her back when she first told me that she was having mental health problems. At that point, she said that she knew it would probably be easier to take care of herself if she were alone, but she didn't want to break up, so she thought we should stay together, even if it might be hard. Looking back, it was from this point on that I started to feel insecure--literally unsure of my security in the relationship, given that she was admitting that she knew she'd be better off alone. So it probably would have saved me a lot of grief to leave her then.

 

But even with that, I don't think I did the wrong thing. When your partner of 2 years comes to you, tells you that she's having a really hard time, that she's thinking of committing herself for psychiatric treatment, and that even though it'll be tough, she wants to stay together...you don't say, "Whoa, that sounds intense. Good luck with that--peace out!"

 

I think a good partner in a healthy relationship says, "Okay, let's talk about it...you're in crisis. What do you need? How can I support you? And also...let's talk about how we can both get what we need in the long run, and how we can keep this relationship healthy and sustainable even in this rough time." And that is exactly the conversation we had.

 

So yes, now, having been through the pain of the last few months...can I see that it might have been easier and more self-protective to leave her at the beginning of her mental health crisis? Yes. But would I make the same decision again, not knowing what the future had in store for us? Yeah, I think I would.

[markfromark]

It sounds like that it wasn't really your fault. Your "girlfriend started struggling with her mental health" and the relationship went south. It seems like you knew that from the beginning and you probably should not have gotten into a relationship with a person who struggles with her mental health.

[tothecoast]

Yeah, I think you're probably right about that, Mark. It's just that, though I knew she was a little anxious, that's all I knew. She was a very different person right up until the * * * * hit the fan a few months ago. At that point, I guess a lot of issues that were under the surface bubbled over, and she became really different really quickly--pulled away all of a sudden, and went from being very present to very distant. There weren't any signs of that at the beginning.

 

I'm really not trying to be defensive--I think you're completely right that getting into a relationship with an unhealthy person is probably the main issue here. I just really didn't know it at the time.

[brian12345]

I think you should view it a little differently because yes you had yourself together, but it takes two and she had mental health issues. Not everyone has mental health issues, if you bring your best to a relationship with a more stable partner you're more likely to find success. But I totally feel you on what you've written, while not perfect I feel as though I wouldn't change much at all about the 2+ year relationship I was in, if I had to give myself a grade it would be an A! My ex ended it because I was her first LTR and she wanted to know what else was out there, I got the whole "it's nothing you did wrong, it's me" line. So there's nothing to "fix" that's in my control, which is extremely frustrating, and I worry that I'll be a little to paranoid in future serious relationships, even if everything seems like it's going great...because it could implode at any moment through little to no fault of my own.

 

So it's very frustrating, but like you I don't have any regrets about how I conducted myself, and hopefully that will help us heal back into the whole people we were in the long run.

[WiseGarnet]

Speaking from experience of having gotten involved at one point in my life with someone who had mental/emotional health issues but tried to hide them from me (tho' I quickly began to pick up on things that hinted at some stuff) you need to go much easier on yourself here.

 

Most importantly, I promise you that your ex is totally correct to realize that her mental health treatment needs to be her first priority and that trying to manage a relationship at the same time would probably impede her progress--and not be fair to you. You really did do everything right as far as the relationship went, and what you need to do now is pat yourself on the back, try to truly appreciate the fact that your ex needs to work on herself by herself (at least at this point) and move on with your life.

 

Having had the opposite experience myself, be grateful that your most recent ex is self-aware enough, and most of all unselfish enough, not to want to drag you along while she deals with issues that have nothing at all to do with you. She may also realize that at this point she has no idea where she will be emotionally when she comes out on the other side and whether or not you will necessarily still fit into her life. Even if she hasn't thought that far ahead, it's still likely that if she had asked you to hang with her through whatever she's about to go through, there's probably a better than 50-50 chance that you guys would have split up anyway.

 

You should add this to your relationship experience history under the heading of "proof positive that I can be a good relationship partner." Whatever comes next for you, that next relationship will be all the better not only for what you learned from your prior dysfunctional relationship, but just as much if not more from this one. Don't dwell on your feeling that this was all very unfair to you, and instead try to realize that there's someone else out there who will be the ultimate beneficiary of the great partner that you can be.

[dumPI]

Were you told the "it's not me, it's you"?Then believe it.

 

Her attraction for you faded, why that happened is the great mistery to everyone of us.

One thumb rule is that it happens more often if you are the good guy (just look around how many people are addicted to bad significant others. Attraction (heart) is there 110% while mind should be telling them to move away from that kind of persons).

 

I myself thing that is a matter of being immature emotionally regarding relationships (wanting to be with the in love feeling 24/7/365, wanting to continuosly search around for the one), suffering from depression or other mental thing which makes people question everything about their lives (but themselves) and taking relationship at a superficial level i.e: not knowing deeply (yeah, rationally knowing not just a friggin' feeling or emotion) why they loved you.

 

Emotions fluctuate depending on mood, thoughts, whatever. If you don't have a real knowledge of why you love someone you could leave at any moment and start the quest for the ONE. Some people just love that. I've noticed people who rarely fall in love ànd are usually alone (in no relationship) tend to be less like this. While people always on the go for someone are mostly in love with that feeling and not with you.

 

So yes, many people after analyzing our failed RS realized that despite our normal flaws, the ending was not our fault. We are perfectly valid and I wonder if that hurts even more.

[Meatball105]

Yep! I feel this exact same way. Had a great 2.5+ year relationship with my ex. I always put in 1000% effort. When he ended it, it was completely on HIM. His issues, his problems, where he was at in life. His unhappiness, his stress, his current mental place in life. None of it had anything to do with me. I gave it my ultimate best shot. Even in the break up I did nothing wrong. Didn't beg, didn't plead, didn't sob, or act desperate or text him uncontrollably. I brought his stuff to his house, he said his piece, I walked out and didn't look back. Went straight into NC. I sent one final "break up e-mail" agreeing with the split, and said I needed to back away for a while, but that I'd like to start fresh down the line. He agreed with all of what I said. Said he loved me so much and that he was being selfish staying with me when he felt he needed to get out there and "figure himself out." And I know a lot of guys pull that line and it's BS but we have about 50 mutual FB friends, and I've been kept in the loop. He's not dating, single, working a lot and basically focusing entirely on himself. So what he was saying wasn't BS. I'm feeling it's time to reach back out soon, he left the door open and I think I've had enough NC (5 weeks) and would like to nudge the door and see how he responds.

 

Either way, at the end of the day, I can always lay my head down at night, guilt free. There's nothing I ever feel I could have done, or could have said, to have made this outcome any different. The break up essentially had to happen (for him). And it's been great for me too, reconnecting with lots of old friends, moved to a new apartment, focusing on me. Just doing me.

[quirky]

tothecoast- you can't imagine how much I relate to your post. Like, every single thing you write. Apart from the fact that the crazy/messy/unhealthy relationship was with my ex the first time around too. You can get an idea here if you like

 

 

 

We both embarked on a Personal Growth journey after our first breakup and got back together after more than a year apart. 2 years of self examination and understanding co-dependence and tackling insecurities etc. Like you, I was slow with the commitment but I see that as a good thing, I was open but not rushing. We used to sing 'We're back together' by Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue out of tune, rocking back and forth, so happy we were back together. We said there was a hole in our hearts while we were apart and now it's filled again.

 

We have been NC for 4 months now and it's just unfathomable still. We were SO close. Not like bf/gf but like people. It is so hard for me to comprehend. There is just a void in me. I have wondered if we should be friends because he is one of 'my people', never saw him as just a bf.

 

If I look back in that year together I can't see what I would have done differently. I feel in the end like I was a spectator in the whole thing, like I didn't matter. The first time we split up, although I was distraught, I could see I had to sort out a lot in me. And there was a novelty in this and I was slowly gaining strength. Now? My life has been worse since the breakup. I was more motivated during the relationship, cared more about myself, was more confident, had a better balance..quite the opposite to what people describe here sometimes, where they find themselves after the breakup. I have LOST myself. Instead of realising that my ex is incapable of commitment I feel like a total reject where even the best of me is not enough. On top of it I lost one of my best friends around the same time of the BU and it has been very difficult for me to overcome those feelings of futility.

 

I truly wish I had advice for you. What I am doing now is just accepting the pain, allowing it to flow. I used to be so confused and block it somehow. Now I am allowing it and trying to have faith in life and it does help a bit.

 

Do you know what's twisted? At some point I thought of being a bi***h again cos clearly being healthy didn't get me anywhere, I had so much attention when I was messed up. Just how crazy is that..Of course I can't go back but this experience baffled me to say the least.