Is there a problem or am I being needy/crazy again?

[pinkelephant]

Hey guys,

 

So I've been dating my guy for I guess about 2 months, been a couple of one. Things went pretty fast, but he really blew me away. He's a total gentleman and super sweet. We laugh sooo much when we're together and have a ton of fun. Like, we laugh til we can't breath when we're together. It's ridiculous.

 

Now. We see each other once a week over the weekend. We either go out on fri or sat night and then I spend the night. In the morning, I leave. He usually asks me if I were leaving or something along that line. It makes me feel like I'm wearing out my welcome. This past weekend, I came over around 9 on saturday night after I went out with my friends since it was on the way. Today, we hung out, went for breakfast and then for a picnic. Once we got back to his place afterwards, around 3, he was like, oh so you're gonna leave soon? or? So obviously, I left.

 

It honestly makes me so confused. Am I being clingy or crazy? I want more time with him, but it seems like he doesn't. He texts me throughout the day everyday so it's not like we're not in contact... but I want more. I wonder why he doesn't, if he feels the same chemistry I do?

 

Am I being clingy?? It's not like he's a loner and is tired after hanging out with someone. He goes and hangs out with his roommie or friends 24/7. After I left his place, I had to stop by for some gas, got lost, etc.. ended up hungry, so I texted him if he wanted a bite and he said no b/c he was tired. Generally, if I ask him to hang out outside of this once a week thing, he will say no. In fact, I can only recall him saying yes once. AND it was only because I said, man, you always say no...

 

It honestly makes me want to break up with him. I hate being rejected and if I'm rejected enough, my attraction/ love for that person goes away. Am I over-reacting?? Why doesn't he want to see me more than once a week????

[savignon]

I don't know why he wouldn't want to see you more than once a week but something I learned as I've gotten older is that its a colosal waste of time to analyze what someone else wants/needs/expects when what is EQUALLY as important is what YOU need/want/expect. It sounds like what you would enjoy is someone who is excited to see you, who wants to see you as much as you want to see them and what you expect from a boyfriend is not what this particular guy is willing/able to offer you at this time. I know its a cliche by now but the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is really pretty good (in my opinion) because it makes the point I just summarized....yea, maybe he's into you for as much as it suits his needs/wants but he's not "THAT" into you (meaning he's not able to meet the wants/needs/expectations you have and are entitled to). And YOUR needs and wants should not and can't be trumped by what is most convenient for him. The older you get, the better you know yourself and the less likely you are to waste a lot of time with people who simply can't offer what you're looking for (which, ps, is NOT a reflection on you....it's their own stuff they have going on). You are 23, which is a great place to be because you can decide if or for how long YOU want to spend having a "just weekends" thing. Maybe you'll find that its really fun for a little while but not what you're looking for or maybe you'll give it more time and he'll change a little or maybe you'll give it a deadline and if things don't improve by x date, you'll move on. You're in a great time in your life because you are in the drivers seat of your own life. Later on you might find that work/marriage/kids/bills take priority and you forget about yourself a little while other things come first. You are in a wonderful position to put yourself first now and make great choices for yourself that can help to shape the rest of your life. Know your value...know what you want...be confident about what you deserve....don't settle....have fun

[allielynn]

my boyfriend used to do this and it DROVE ME INSANE.

 

i always felt unwanted/unloved. i'm not sure if you're overthinking. i tend to overthink too. but... you arent alone in feeling sad over it.

[pinkelephant]

my boyfriend used to do this and it DROVE ME INSANE.

 

i always felt unwanted/unloved. i'm not sure if you're overthinking. i tend to overthink too. but... you arent alone in feeling sad over it.

 

used to? did he change?

[allielynn]

......not really. we broke up. and got back together.

 

now we spend considerably less time otgether and don't do sleepovers, soooo.... yeah, it stopped since we are only together for a few hours at a time. lol

 

sorry. but looking back, i dont think he was trying to kick me out. he generally loved me a LOT...and i think it was more of a question so he could figure out his day/plans/whatever.

[pinkelephant]

That's perfect. I really like this reply. Thank you.

 

 

On one hand, I think I will. He wants to take me home to see his parents in roughly a month.. so if things don't change by then, I thin k I will break up with him. I don't really want to meet his parents.

 

On the other, I'm just not sure if I'm being harsh, because he is amazing otherwise. I just don't know if I could live with this or not. Hmmm.

[The_Seeker]

Hey guys,

 

Hey Pinkelephant!

 

So I've been dating my guy for I guess about 2 months, been a couple of one. Things went pretty fast, but he really blew me away. He's a total gentleman and super sweet. We laugh sooo much when we're together and have a ton of fun. Like, we laugh til we can't breath when we're together. It's ridiculous.

 

Yeah the beginning is nice. I would focus more about the ending.

 

Now. We see each other once a week over the weekend.

 

My current ex and I only saw each other on the weekend instead of during the week.

 

We either go out on fri or sat night and then I spend the night. In the morning, I leave. He usually asks me if I were leaving or something along that line. It makes me feel like I'm wearing out my welcome. This past weekend, I came over around 9 on saturday night after I went out with my friends since it was on the way. Today, we hung out, went for breakfast and then for a picnic. Once we got back to his place afterwards, around 3, he was like, oh so you're gonna leave soon? or? So obviously, I left.

 

Sounds like my current ex. RUN.

 

You are his backup. If he is passionately crazy about you like you are with him, you both wouldn't mind spending so much quality time together since you don't see each other during the week.

 

Trust me. I learned the hard way. I realize, that current ex thought he could get away with it, which he didn't. I called him out on it and asked if he was seeing someone else. He had that sad look in his eyes and just said no. [Mind you we were together since we knew each other from Aug til May].

 

If you think about it, if someone told you did something which you never did do, you would defend yourself. He didn't defend himself.

 

If someone questioned me if I'm seeing someone else because he noticed the emotional distancing and physical distancing, I would tell him "Baby, I would never do that to you! I know how much it hurts when someone cheats behind your back. I've been through that in my previous relationships. I have high respect for myself and for you as well. If I did do that, God can punish me by letting me die. I swear my life on it."

 

That's how I would defend myself if I'm being questioned something that is not true and I will show him the truth.

 

It honestly makes me so confused.

 

I should of listened to my mind and heart when I felt confused.

 

I should of broke up with him when I had the chance.

 

When you question yourself, you know something is wrong with the relationship. I learned the hard way. Don't make the same mistake like I did.

 

Am I being clingy or crazy? I want more time with him, but it seems like he doesn't. He texts me throughout the day everyday so it's not like we're not in contact... but I want more. I wonder why he doesn't, if he feels the same chemistry I do?

 

Easy, because you're his backup or option.

 

You are not being clingy or crazy. You want to spend quality time. His interest levels are different.

 

Am I being clingy??

 

No. You are not.

 

It's not like he's a loner and is tired after hanging out with someone. He goes and hangs out with his roommie or friends 24/7. After I left his place, I had to stop by for some gas, got lost, etc.. ended up hungry, so I texted him if he wanted a bite and he said no b/c he was tired. Generally, if I ask him to hang out outside of this once a week thing, he will say no. In fact, I can only recall him saying yes once. AND it was only because I said, man, you always say no...

 

Again, you are his backup or option. Not his choice.

 

It honestly makes me want to break up with him. I hate being rejected and if I'm rejected enough, my attraction/ love for that person goes away. Am I over-reacting?? Why doesn't he want to see me more than once a week????

 

Everyone hates being rejected.

 

But you need to breakup with him when you can be with another guy who treats you like you are the most special thing on this beautiful Earth.

 

He's not doing that.

 

You are his backup or option.

 

Think about it. If you were crazy and wants to spend time with the other person? What would you do? I understand not every guy is the same. But when it comes to romance and love, the person shows the other person they care in different ways.

 

Imagine later in the future, if you end up marrying this guy? Can you live with how he is treating you?

 

The way I see it, you can't.

 

So you're settling. You shouldn't settle for that type of guy when you want someone who has high interest level like you.

 

Even if you talk about it to him, he's not going to care. He'll show he cares just for that "moment." And inconsistent again.

 

If you are consistent person while he's not, you're going to end up being really hurt and knew from the very start you should of broken up earlier.

 

Again, he may be seeing other people or you are just his option until something gets better.

 

This is just from my past experience from my current ex. I regret not breaking up with him earlier when i was in your same position.

 

You do as you wish. I just pray that you lead with your heart and mind instead of following your heart and mind.

 

If you want a life that you dream of, and the love that your dream of, and you're not getting that from him, then leave. There's got to be someone out there who wants the same thing as you.

 

Stay strong, beautiful. Find out who you are. Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe I could understand if it was a few months in (as in 5 or 6 months), but once a week doesn't seem crazy to me.

 

Point is that what you are taking as rejection may not be rejection. If you are going to have a relationship with him, you need to talk to him. Let him know you would like to spend more time with him and ask him what he thinks about that.

[pinkelephant]

I know I'm not a back up and he couldn't be more proud to be my bf. He was the one who tried to lock me down, not the other way. I was very reluctant to be his gf, but as I said, he blew me away. When he first asked, I said no but said I'd be exclusive with him. Eventually, I was scared to lose him (if he thought I wasn't into him) so I agreed to be his gf. I don't regret it, but he was really into me. Maybe he changed his mind??

[The_Seeker]

I know I'm not a back up and he couldn't be more proud to be my bf. He was the one who tried to lock me down, not the other way. I was very reluctant to be his gf, but as I said, he blew me away. When he first asked, I said no but said I'd be exclusive with him. Eventually, I was scared to lose him (if he thought I wasn't into him) so I agreed to be his gf. I don't regret it, but he was really into me. Maybe he changed his mind??

 

Yeah. That could be it.

 

Alright, if you say you are not his backup. Then stay with him, and see where it goes.

 

To me, he is using you as a backup. Even if you bring it up to him, he'll change his ways and go back to his old ways.

[pinkelephant]

Yeah. That could be it.

 

Alright, if you say you are not his backup. Then stay with him, and see where it goes.

 

To me, he is using you as a backup. Even if you bring it up to him, he'll change his ways and go back to his old ways.

 

Yeah, I have that feeling too. He treats me really well other than that, that's why I'm hesitant. Arg. Maybe you're right.

[The_Seeker]

Yeah, I have that feeling too. He treats me really well other than that, that's why I'm hesitant. Arg. Maybe you're right.

 

Oh I know I am right.

 

No human heart can stand not seeing someone he/she is really into once a week. Not only that a lack of physical affection. Might as well become friends with benefits.

 

That's why texting is so not for romance.

[pinkelephant]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship otherwise though. AIya.... GUYS?!?! helppp. I'm so confused.

[The_Seeker]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship otherwise though. AIya.... GUYS?!?! helppp. I'm so confused.

 

Read this 20 times and then read your original post 20 times.

 

If there wasn't anything wrong, why are you questioning it?

 

You are not confused. Your body/heart/mind/soul is questioning it.

 

In other words, your body/heart/mind/soul doesn't like how he is doing this to you.

 

Hence "cause-and-effect."

[90_hour_sleep]

Maybe I could understand if it was a few months in (as in 5 or 6 months), but once a week doesn't seem crazy to me.

 

Point is that what you are taking as rejection may not be rejection. If you are going to have a relationship with him, you need to talk to him. Let him know you would like to spend more time with him and ask him what he thinks about that.

 

i think savignon offers a great perspective.

 

i also think ms darcy's words are worth paying attention to. you said it yourself...he's great. i think it all boils down to you communicating your needs to him...not with the agenda of ''fixing'' something about him...but in the interest of showing him where you're at. make sense? you may be surprised at what that sort of communication can really accomplish. he could be completely oblivious to where you're at. and why shouldn't he be? sometimes you have to be explicit with people. "this is what i'm feeling...and i think you should know about it...because i'd like you to know where i'm at with things.'' when someone cares about you, he'll be inclined to really take something like that to heart.

 

we all have different expectations about what's good and right in relationship land. bridge the gap!

[pinkelephant]

Maybe I could understand if it was a few months in (as in 5 or 6 months), but once a week doesn't seem crazy to me.

 

Point is that what you are taking as rejection may not be rejection. If you are going to have a relationship with him, you need to talk to him. Let him know you would like to spend more time with him and ask him what he thinks about that.

 

Didn't I do that by asking him to hang out? lol

[mhowe]

You are only 2 months into the relationship, and obviously have different "needs" at this time -- you want more time, he sees what you have as fine. When you are with him, you both have a blast. That is not someone who is keeping you as back up. Nor would he be wanting you to meet his parents. He is just taking things slowly.

 

My bf, when we were first dating, would spend the evening w/ me, and then bkfast at the diner the next morning....and drop me off and say "enjoy the rest of the weekend"!!!! Some guys just need time to build up the intimacy level -- and when they are satiated, they want to be by themselves or hang w/ their buds.

 

Since it is only 2 months in, I would agree -- talk to him. Say you enjoy spending time w/ him, and would like it to be longer.

 

The point here -- it is 2 months. Let it build -- organically. And if he has plans, don't take it personally. Remember to keep your life intact --- if you've spent 1/2 the weekend w/ him, spend the rest w/ friends or family. Free time, at this point, doesn't mean bf/gf time.

[pinkelephant]

Did this change? How often do you see him now?

 

And yeah, I kind of feel like this is a mole hill into a mountain type of thing. I'm not sure. I hate getting "no" from people, it's the worst, brattiest trait of mine.

[mhowe]

Of course it changed. We have been together for 3 yrs. Just spent weekend together, and though he lives mile down road, we see each other on weekends -- because we each have our own lives, friends, family and careers. We CAN see each other any time we want.

 

Get over that "no" is a rejection of you. It is a statement of fact --- no, I do not want to do this activity. Period. Has nothing to do w/ your value as a gf.

If you think you are being a brat, you are.

 

Talk to him. But don't push. Just explain -- and see what happens.

[Batya33]

Only one experience like that but what it really meant was that he wasn't that into me. It was after one of our sleepovers -we'd been dating about 2 months and he basically, but politely, wanted me to leave mid-afternoon the next day. I did, quickly (we didn't have specific plans for the rest of the day) and later he called me to ask if I wanted to hang out that evening for a few hours -I think he was surprised at how quickly I left and got nervous. When he broke up with me about two months later I realized that his behavior was the beginning of the end of smittendom and downhill from there. On the other hand, if he had said "I'm having a great time with you but I really need to get stuff done and have some wind down time -is it ok if we call it a day and see each other very soon?" that would be different.

[pinkelephant]

hmm, i think this is him comfortable. i don't really want to push him out of his comfort zone, i just wanna figure out if it's okay with me or not.

 

 

i told him that it'd be really nice if we could see each other during the week. he said he's pretty much always tired since he's started this job. he said he's just trying to get used to it. hopefully that he will soon and can see me during the week as well because he does miss me and want to see me. in general, he does try to make me happy, and as i said, this is the only thing that's "wrong" in our relationship.

 

i really don't think i'm his back up plan because he always make sure he gets to see me over the weekend. we were supposed to only hang out on sunday but i wanted to come over on saturday so he canceled with his friends (even though i told him he didn't have to, he insisted). i brought up the asking when i'm gonna leave thing and he said it's just for him to figure out his day. he is a huge planner like that so i think i'll buy it for now.

 

thanks everyone for being my voice of reason. =]

[Huntress0527]

Being that it's a fairly new relationship a guy really into you would not want you to leave.

[The_Seeker]

Being that it's a fairly new relationship a guy really into you would not want you to leave.

 

So true. My second ex didn't want me to leave. LOL He was very into me unlike my other two exes.

[quirky]

I wouldn't say you're his back up plan, maybe he's oblivious as to how you feel. Talk to him and ask him how he sees it, what is comfortable for him.

 

I had a similar issue with my ex and personally it made me feel a bit rejected. Also felt regimented, we'd meet mainly after he'd been constructive, 2 days a week..? If he hadn't been constructive he'd often be in a bad mood, like he hadn't 'achieved' stuff and couldn't relax. Also he thought that the way Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter live in different houses (but are joined) is a great arrangement..talk about needing space ha?

[pinkelephant]

I wouldn't say you're his back up plan, maybe he's oblivious as to how you feel. Talk to him and ask him how he sees it, what is comfortable for him.

 

I had a similar issue with my ex and personally it made me feel a bit rejected. Also felt regimented, we'd meet mainly after he'd been constructive, 2 days a week..? If he hadn't been constructive he'd often be in a bad mood, like he hadn't 'achieved' stuff and couldn't relax. Also he thought that the way Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter live in different houses (but are joined) is a great arrangement..talk about needing space ha?

 

See, I get that too. I'm a lot like that when I'm into my work. In fact, most of my friends DESPISE this fact about me. I can't enjoy myself unless I've been productive at work and done something. And tbh, I haven't been into my work for a little while. I've been in a funk in general.

 

He's very schedule and he's basically having a tough time with work etc.. He had warned me in advance, but the fact that I've been having a hard time at work doesn't really help, I guess.

 

 

Anyway, I told him today and he seems to genuinely feel bad about it and said he basically didn't realize it because he feels so busy with work and whatnot. He says he will find time next week to come see me and said I was right in bringing it up and that he just needs to step it up because he really wants me to be happy. I believe that because in general, he does whatever I ask for and I would be very surprised if he doesn't follow through (and stick to it). When I mentioned liking some plants, he took the opportunity to buy it for me. I mentioned liking a certain sweet, next time he saw it, he picked it up for me. So in general, I really am happy and everything else is great.

 

Idk, I feel pretty good about this. Thanks guys =)