Secret lovers Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 For those of you that have cheated and for those of you that have been cheated on... Cheating is never the answer to fix a problem, this coming from someone who did this. I dont exepect anyone to feel bad for me in any way this something I have to take care of and live with. The guilt I feel is unmeasureable, I can only imagine how he would feel if he knew. I dont tell him because it would hurt my son. When somebody cheats at least in my situation, they dont think about what they are doing in the moment, its an act on pure animal instinct which we all have. Sometimes we cannot control what happens. this is everyone not just someone who cheats. sex has nothing to do with love, sexual desire is an instinct we have put a label on. just because someone sleeps with someone does not mean they love that person as well as it does not mean they dont love the person they cheated on. there is no meaning behind it, just pure lust. In actuality we are just animals we do things out of instinct, I am not saying its right, it is just the way it is. I have talked to a lot of different ppl about sex and everyone has a different opinion about cheating and how humans react whether it be the cheater or the person being cheated on they all feel differently about this it is an individual thing, depending on the individual is where the opinion comes in. I have only slept with four men in my life and I am 40, I would have never thought I would do this to my spouse, but I did and there is no going back. I planned on leaving him regardless, so I think I should leave and then talk to him after, however others have a different opinion again we all have opinions but the way we solve issue has to be according to individual. I guess this is just informative for both the cheaters and the cheatees. It is hell on all parties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrianH46 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 The logic of those who cheat are truly fascinating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poetryandlyrics Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 So you justify it on the basic animal instinct we all have? Just no. It's your lack of control and empathy for your spouse. Excuses not needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret lovers Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 How so? have you been cheated on or have you cheated? do you know how it feels on either side of this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret lovers Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 not giving excuse... its a fact... again have you been through either, no judgement needed, I know what I did. Amazing, you might think you all never did anything out of turn. so the opinion can stay in your head if you have not been through either of these situations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaciej Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 If you believe in open relationships or are polyandrous I respect your views and your way of life. Unless you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs or have some mental/psychiatric disorder, there really isnt a valid excuse for cheating except to have your cake and eat it too. Cheating has a more sinister side, lies, deceit, plotting and misleading an innocent party, 9 out of 10 times premeditated. You lived in the moment and was impulsive. It is better to say you are sorry than to justify it, there is no justification. Its not only about love sometimes the love is gone in a relationship, but also "trust", loyalty and respect for your other half. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godel Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I've personally never cheated on any girl I've dated; however, to say I don't understand the temptation is to not be true to myself. I can even understand how someone could love the person they are cheating on and the person they are cheating with, the heart is a deep and winding place. It's horrible, monstrous, disloyal, and plethora of other negative adjectives, but I understand it. Most of the people on this site have been the victim of cheating, so I don't know how many sympathetic ears you will find. Thank you for the post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SydneyGirl Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I have been cheated on. I think if it had been a one off, drunken sex thing, I maybe could've been more forgiving! When there are emotions involved it's different! He was buying her gifts and telling her that he loved her! Too painful to talk about in too much detail! We ended things and in the end I was glad because instead of questioning what was wrong with me, I decided there was clearly something wrong with a man who could live two lives and lay in bed next to a woman he was betraying every day at work! I still don't agree with confessing in order to clear your conscience, but if they ever find out/suspect and ask you directly, don't lie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret lovers Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 I am sure not too many, I definitely dont expect anyone to sympathize with what i have done. And as I have said it was all so I could get some points of view, I have gotten a lot of them but I notice not many ppl will admit to cheating and I think that if they did they could give me some prospective. Yes your right it is all those things you described. there is no excuse. not looking to have ppl feel sympathetic or bad for me looking to get some insight on how to do better for my son. Saying sorry will not change what I did, but I dont think they should suffer for what I did. it is what I did and nobody else. Now that I have been through this, I believe an open relationship would have been best for me, however I never expected to feel this way. I always thought I would be the good wife. and have been up until this point. Never acted on my feelings. disappointed, but still have to leave, for his sake and mine this has been a long time coming just wish I left before it came to this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaciej Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I've personally never cheated on any girl I've dated; however, to say I don't understand the temptation is to not be true to myself. I can even understand how someone could love the person they are cheating on and the person they are cheating with, the heart is a deep and winding place. It's horrible, monstrous, disloyal, and plethora of other negative adjectives, but I understand it. Most of the people on this site have been the victim of cheating, so I don't know how many sympathetic ears you will find. Thank you for the post. Most of us have been in a situation where temptation rears its head, especially when we are going through a rough patch or have been cheated on, but the question you have to ask yourself sometimes is "am I willing to lose someone/something special for a moment of lust". Some people have nothing to lose and its a way out, I dont know OPs situation, she does not go into detail about her partner. But the impression I get is that she doesnt see it has a big deal and she is half way out the door already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret lovers Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Thank you and I am sorry you had to go through that. And I dont think you should forgive him for that, I dont think i can be forgiven, all I can do is do my best for my son and try to move forward. I am not a good liar so if he asked he would know right off the bat. The love has dwindled from our relationship and we are both drifting apart we love eachother, but we are not "in love" anymore. of course it would hurt him if he knew I cheated and I would not attempt to give an excuse because there isnt one, but I think I will end up keeping it to myself unless I am asked about it, no need to hurt him more than he already is. both of us are hurt already, i should suffer this one alone. and he should be able to move on without the extra baggage so that we can focus on our son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Habibi Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 and he should be able to move on without the extra baggage so that we can focus on our son. thats whats relevant now. about the cheating...corrupts the soul, humiliates loved ones and creates hateful and resentful feelings. stick to your lesson and avoid it in the future, you cant do more right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Sometimes we cannot control what happens. this is everyone not just someone who cheats. sex has nothing to do with love, sexual desire is an instinct we have put a label on. I agree with your view on "sometimes we cannot control what happens," however cheating is something we can control. No matter how one attempts to justify it, it's not accidental nor is it a mistake, it's a simple choice that we have the ability to make or break. I hope you find your way... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret lovers Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 I am sorry you had to go through that but... I dont think being more forgiving would have helped you. As a cheater I dont think we can be forgiven, we just have to move on. The ppl who have been cheated on have to do the same. there is no way to "make it right". however if we get to that point at least in my situation, its generally over. I agree that clearing my conscience is not the best thing to do, but I will take your advice if they do ask I will tell the truth but my main concern is my boy and I dont want him to suffer for what I have done, keeping it to myself is better in this instance at least that is what i have gathered, why hurt the both of them more it wont help anyone. I am very sorry about what i have done, but now i have to deal and move on. I just hope they dont have to know about this because they will be hurt and I dont think they want the pain like I have inflicted on myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godel Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I notice not many ppl will admit to cheating and I think that if they did they could give me some prospective. Most people won't. As a general rule, people like to tell themselves that they are always good and decent people. When people do cheat, usually they justify it in their heads with a lot of mental gymnastics, so it's not really cheating. I believe it was Mark Twain who said we measure our actions with a different ruler than the actions of others. (I'm probably butchering that quote, but I'm to lazy to look it up) "am I willing to lose someone/something special for a moment of lust". I try to look at it more as a disloyal act, whether you lose the person or not. I think if you look at it in terms of losing someone, you start to play the game of how not to get caught and/or get away with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I have done it, several times. It's a pretty deep part of my past now, but the reason I did was because I wanted to. I wasn't happy with my relationship(s), I was too much of a weenie to break it off, and I also wanted the best of both worlds. I was thinking about ME, ME, ME. Self-involved, selfish, and all that jazz. No animal instinct nonsense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret lovers Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 You say that, animal instinct is there, not nonsense look it up youll see what I'm talking about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 There's nothing to look up. If I wanted to feel better about the choices I made(yes..choices), then maybe I would lean that route. I take 100% responsibility for the decisions I made. It WAS a decision. It wasn't premeditated as in I detailed some elaborate plan, but I was completely aware of what I was doing and I could have stopped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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