Let Bygones be bygones or learn from the past?

[20sgal88]

Well…it appears I’m a ball of sunshine and have all sorts of delightful problems. Lol My newest complaint is that an old “friend”—really, a girl I had a falling out with has contacted me a third time requesting we catch up. I don’t want to and it’s a long story.

 

It’s trivial stuff really. We became friends 10 years ago around age 13/14. We were in the same religion at the time, lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same school. I was only 2 months older than her but she looked older for her age. We clicked right away and our friendship appeared to blossom.

 

I’d spend the night at her house almost every weekend. We’d talk about “forbidden” things (as the religion we were in was quite strict: Jehovah’s Witnesses) namely, boys and what it would be like to kiss them and have sex. We’d giggle and design our future wedding dresses and share poetry we wrote with another. We had invented our own language and called each other “bud fud” which secretly meant “best friend”. Typical girly * * * * .

 

Things were going great until a guy came between us. For my 6th and 7th grade years I went to Cashman Middle School. During the summer of 7th grade year I met my friend and for our 8th grade year we entered John C. Fremont middle school together. She had been homeschooled and was excited to finally go to public school.

 

I had a crush on a boy from my old school. The last day of 7th grade I got his number from a girl in one of my classes (dorky I know) and was bound and determined to call him—just not alone. I have always been the shy, quiet type and I would need some help. Surely, my new friend who was also opinionated, loud and talkative would help me out with my plight.

 

So long story short, we call him, she ends up liking him and proceeds to call him by herself, tells him she looks like Pamela Anderson (other than the boobs that was a lie) and flirts with him over the phone. She even showed off her vocal skills and sang for him. She would rub it in my face and get catty with me about it. This kind of behavior followed suit with the next two guys I liked.

 

I remember her being a weird combination of insecure and arrogant. One minute she’d be collapsed on the kitchen floor bawling her eyes out hysterically, moaning through strained breaths, “Every time I eat a piece of chocolate I gain 9 pounds!” The next minute we’d be out for a bike ride and some indiscriminate dude driving by in his car would whistle out the window at her. She’d wear tight shirts on purpose.

 

I’d tell her it made me uncomfortable when guys did that and she would almost indignantly and condescendingly say to me, “I’m the one with the boobs,” As if to say, “They’re not whistling at you, honey,”

 

I remember I was experimenting with makeup (she was the makeup queen and know-it-all) and she’d tell me that I shouldn’t wear eyeliner because it brought out my bags. I never told her the tight-fitting shirts she’d wear brought out her rolls!

 

In high school I had trouble passing my math proficiency. When I was about to attempt it for the 2nd or 3rd time (I can’t remember) I made the comment, “I really need to concentrate this time,” She replied, “I thought you concentrated last time,”

 

A group of us had gone to Six Flags. The group got split up at one point and I ended up going on more rides than her. Always being a meek person by nature I never rubbed it in, just simply stated what rides I had been on when we met up. She whispered to me almost venomously to the side, “At least I’ve been kissed. And that gives you more of an adrenaline rush than any ride can.”

 

She was quite proud of her first kiss and appeared even prouder that she had experienced it before me. Everything was a competition with her. As a side note, that first kiss was shared with a guy who had a girlfriend. She knew he was dating someone and didn’t care, seduced him and felt no regret about it.

 

She was in theater and CRAVED attention. Sometimes she was almost embarrassing. She’d dress up in these ensembles that honestly did not complement her form. She’d show too much leg and claimed her legs were solid muscle—to be truthful, they were solid adipose tissue—she’d curl her hair and do her makeup, strut dramatically onto school grounds like she was hot stuff.

 

I remember one time it began to rain and she commented how the cold sprinkles were tickling her chest as she giggled bubbly. I wanted to roll my eyes. Most people didn’t like her and the guys used to tease me that my best friend looked like she could be my mom. A couple things she did really laid me out.

 

In 8th grade, being the attention seeker she was, she decided to organize a group picture. Photographers were coming to our school not only for yearbook pictures but also for fun shots to share with friends on the side. My friend acted quickly, inviting nearly everyone at the lunch table. You could tell she liked to be in charge even saying that she “loved power”.

 

So one day after finishing her lunch she exited the double-doors of the cafeteria telling me she’d meet me in the courtyard in a few minutes. The majority of lunch buddies trailed behind her. I was left to finish my lunch with one other girl and an outcast that sat at the lunch table with us. Her name was Carrie and the kids called her “scary Carrie”.

 

They were cruel to her. She had fiery red hair, chopped-off bangs that protruded like hay from her scalp. She had warts on her hands and an overall disheveled appearance. She had been sitting at the lunch table the whole time listening in on the plans for the picture. She scooted closer to me and in a tone that conveyed her dismay confided, “She invited everyone at the table except me,”

 

When I talked to my best friend about it she was vehemently against the idea to include her in the picture. “It will ruin us!” she shrieked. I decided at that point I didn’t want to be in the picture. She begged me, even requested to give Carrie a “make-over” to have me in the picture. I still refused. It was quite the scandal. She told me tearfully on the phone, “I don’t understand this and I don’t know that I ever will!” Interestingly enough, the photographers’ visit to the school was cancelled and no pictures were ever taken.

 

Her antics got worse.

 

During that same 8th grade year she had a crush on a guy named Jesse. She had one of her friends ask him if he returned the feelings. He supposedly said, “That fat, ugly * * * * * ? Hell no!” This incurred the wrath of actress-in-vegas (that was her email at one time) and she plotted to get her revenge.

 

Summer of 8th grade year she called Jesse up with a friend of hers nicknamed CC that went to a different school. When 9th grade started and a couple months passed, she called Jesse again this time posing as CC herself and began to develop a relationship of sorts with him.

 

“CC” began writing Jesse steamy letters. Talking about wanting to feel him inside of her and * * * * . To a 14 year old boy this was big news, understand! She even cut pictures of models out of magazines laminated them with tape and delivered them to Jesse in sealed envelopes. She carried this * * * * out over months and Jesse became quite smitten with “CC”.

 

By the time 9th grade was in full swing being halfway through the year, my conniving friend was about to enjoy the fruits of her labor; the finale that would right all wrongs. Being the actress she was she stomped up to Jesse in the hallway. In a tearful fit she breathed the words, “Did you get the news?” Jesse looked confused. “No, what?”

 

Her eyes welled up with tears as her perfectly mascaraed eyelashes batted wildly. She paused and swallowed, “…..CC died in a car accident,” Jesse’s hand trembled as he raised it to his face to cover his gaping mouth. I told her that was a dirty trick she played on him and how she didn’t even know for sure he said those awful things about her. It was hearsay. I said she wouldn’t like it if someone did something like that to her. She retorted, “I wouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for it,”

 

Before long, we started to drift apart. She decided to attend a vocational school and I stayed at Valley. I dropped out of that damn religion while she remained. I told her my plans for the future—how I wanted to go to college. She told me I was lost. (The religion discourages secular advancements.) The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she told me I was depressing to be around and she was happier around Nicole. Another one of her Jehovah’s Witness friends.

 

One of my last memories of her was sometime around 2004, early 2005. She had dropped me off at home (having her own car while I did not—still don’t! lol) and seemed hurt that I didn’t hug her good-bye. I could have given a crap less at that point. She called me a few times after that. I never returned the calls.

 

The years flew by and I rarely thought of her, didn’t miss her and was happy to be on with my life and associate with genuine, constructive people. About a year ago she sent me a friend request on Facebook and a message. I ignored it and she has followed it up since with a physical letter she sent to my address—how in the hell she knows where I live is beyond me!

 

I’ve lived in two places since the last place I lived during the time we communicated.

 

 

And just today she Facebooked me again, and this is what she had to say:

 

“Hey it's _______. I have been looking for you for years now wondering how you've been and what your life is like now. I left that terrible religion and am married to the man of my dreams. I am so happy to find you on here. I hope we can talk soon! I have missed you do much!”

 

I’m inclined to keep ignoring her but have mixed feelings. I confided this problem to a very close friend of mine. She thinks the universe is bringing her back in my life for some reason and it’s a sign for me to learn forgiveness and to not hold grudges. And to believe that people can grow and change. She thinks I should be honest with her but not mean or condescending to make her defensive.

 

I don’t know. I don’t feel like opening a can of worms. And seeing that my relationship with my boyfriend is kinda shoddy I don’t know how much I could confide in her—if anything! I don’t trust her. We’re not really even on the same page. She’s happily married and I’m pursuing a career. I feel she’ll end up rubbing something else in. I don’t know what to do.

 

Comments, suggestions?

[chickydoodle]

Your detailed account of her portrays her as being obnoxious - then anyway.

Its possible she has changed , but even so , sounds like you really dont want her in your life. Go with this feeling is my advice.

Regarding the Universe sending her your way again - it could equally be a test for you, to be assertive and communicate in a nice way that you have moved on and have nothing in common with her anymore.

[savignon]

Sounds like you don't remember her fondly and remember lots of negative things with vivid detail. I'm guessing you're not ready to just "let it go". Sometimes we just need to cut ties and find new, healthier friendships rather than trying to re-create or re-invent one that wasn't working.

[Angel Irulan]

Your friend who suggested that this is the Universe trying to teach you forgiveness has a point. Wouldn't you want others who might have some petty arguments against you to drop them, from childhood? I understand that you really do not want her in your life. I don't agree. I think it would be perfectly okay for you to meet her at Starbucks or something and chit chat over coffee. Just be discrete and don't say anything you'll regret.

 

Angel

 

Also, just how is it that this stuff she did, silly stuff that would not have bothered me at 13 with my bff's, stayed with you so long? Are you jealous of her?

[camus154]

This is just my humble opinion, but I seriously doubt the universe twists and contorts itself just to bring one lesson into your life--you, this one grain of sand on a beach of infinite size. It's a lovely thought, but amazingly conceited

 

I have no idea why you were friends with this woman back then. I have no idea why you'd even consider bringing her back into your life now.

[20sgal88]

Thank you everyone for your responses!

 

Your detailed account of her portrays her as being obnoxious - then anyway.

Its possible she has changed , but even so , sounds like you really dont want her in your life. Go with this feeling is my advice.

Regarding the Universe sending her your way again - it could equally be a test for you, to be assertive and communicate in a nice way that you have moved on and have nothing in common with her anymore.

 

I like this idea. How would I go about that exactly? Would it be advisable for me to say something along the lines of: “I’ve been avoiding you because I don’t want to talk. Congratulations on finding the man of your dreams and leaving that religion. Take care of yourself and prosper.”?

 

Kinda cold but I don’t want to talk to her so why try to act a way I don’t feel? We’re adults now. I don’t need to explain myself to her. It’d be enough for her to get the point and leave me alone.

 

Sounds like you don't remember her fondly and remember lots of negative things with vivid detail. I'm guessing you're not ready to just "let it go". Sometimes we just need to cut ties and find new, healthier friendships rather than trying to re-create or re-invent one that wasn't working.

 

I agree with this too! Maybe I can work on forgiving without making contact with her. Forgiveness is to make peace with oneself right? To learn to not walk around with any anger but learn from past experiences by not putting yourself in line to be a victim again.

 

Your friend who suggested that this is the Universe trying to teach you forgiveness has a point. Wouldn't you want others who might have some petty arguments against you to drop them, from childhood? I understand that you really do not want her in your life. I don't agree. I think it would be perfectly okay for you to meet her at Starbucks or something and chit chat over coffee. Just be discrete and don't say anything you'll regret.

 

Angel

 

Also, just how is it that this stuff she did, silly stuff that would not have bothered me at 13 with my bff's, stayed with you so long? Are you jealous of her?

 

No, I wouldn’t want someone to hold something against me that happened a long time ago. However I’m not the type to willfully inflict pain on another person. If I have ever offended anyone it was done out of ignorance.

 

This is the problem I have forging a connection with her again: say I do meet up with and start talking. I have wounds that haven’t healed. I don’t want to sit there and keep them stifled otherwise I’ll keep perpetuating the same madness. I’d want to be truthful with her, tell her how I’ve been feeling and this might not sit well with her.

 

Even if I tried to say it in the most polite way possible, I would be pointing fingers at her and making her defensive. I don’t know how she’d respond. Whether she’d apologize (I doubt it), throw something back at me, I have no idea. And I really don’t want to open a can of worms.

 

And so how good of a friendship would it be if I couldn’t be honest with her? She has always been the type to rub things in my face. She's happily married and I am not. I don’t feel comfortable confiding in her that I’m discontent with my own relationship. She once told me, “You don’t really have a lot going for you,” Would disclosing certain facts about my current life revive and/or confirm that belief she had/has about me?

 

So if your bffs went after every guy you had a fondness for, seized every opportunity to make deprecating remarks about your physical appearance, treated others unfairly and betrayed your trust, that wouldn’t bother you? Maybe you would’ve done it right back to them! Or maybe your personality is similar to the very person we speak of…

 

Am I jealous of her? Yes. It upsets me that despite her crassness and selfishness she has managed to find “the man of her dreams” while I view myself unlucky with love. My boyfriend is not the man of my dreams and based on all experiences that have led up to this point, I doubt that I will ever encounter such a man. It doesn’t seem to make sense or be fair.

 

This is just my humble opinion, but I seriously doubt the universe twists and contorts itself just to bring one lesson into your life--you, this one grain of sand on a beach of infinite size. It's a lovely thought, but amazingly conceited

 

I have no idea why you were friends with this woman back then. I have no idea why you'd even consider bringing her back into your life now.

 

I think you absolutely have a point! I realize in the grand scheme of things both me and my problems are insignificant but for the time being they are significant to me and I need to figure out a way to deal with them effectively.

 

Yes, I agree with that second part too. I found myself friends with a person because of our similarities but as time went on I realized how truly incompatible we were and subsequently we were worked out of each other’s lives.

 

The reason why I consider bringing her back into my life on some level (not that we’d necessarily become best friends again) is because of the incongruence inherent in the situation. On one end of the spectrum I feel strongly about my mental position. I have identified my feelings, remembered clearly why I feel them and so that dictates my actions or lack thereof.

 

What makes me question my stance is she seems to be on a completely different plane. She’s curious, impatient and almost excited to find me. If the relationship that I perceive was as severely flawed as I thought it was, why is this fact not recognizable to all parties involved? Her reaching out to me does not indicate feelings of hostility but that’s about all I can feel when I think her name.

 

So I turn inward and wonder, “What’s going on here? Am I in the wrong? Maybe I’ve been looking at this situation wrong the whole time.” Or maybe it’s a trap she wants me to fall into! Lol My father thinks that she wants to contact me for her own selfish purposes. It would give her some satisfaction to know what I’m doing and if she had exceeded it in some way. His 49 years of life have taught him people don’t change.

[20sgal88]

Woooooooooooooooow. Thanks again everyone for your posts. New developments have arisen:

 

She messaged me again:

 

"I had always hoped we could be friends again someday. I know both of our lives have changed over the years we have not seen each other. I am sorry that I was not always the friend I should have been and am very sorry for that. I do really want to thank you for the fact that you made me question right and wrong. You had asked me once if I thought we could really know if we were in the right religion. That question stayed with me for a long time. After years of questioning I finally knew all the truth about "the truth". So even if we never speak again I want to really thank you for helping me find my path to happiness. Maybe someday we could meet up and just see where life has taken us. Thank you again for being my friend and I wish you the best."

 

I can’t lie; a smile broke out over my face when I read that. Deep down I’m like, “Grovel * * * * * , grovel!” I realize that’s arrogant on my part but a shift has just taken place. This person no longer has the power she once wielded over me. I think I should just let it be. She’s finally apologized; I can finally forgive and release the anger in my heart. I will not seek out her company; I haven’t the desire or time for that. It makes me feel good that the truth came out and I was validated. Now I can have some closure.