playstheblues Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Sometimes a comment on here REALLY makes you think. This happened for me when OneSadPuppy posted on my recent thread about taking a job in the old city that I lived in with my ex (where he still lives.) OSP said this And I started thinking. I wish I knew why I don't feel like it's his loss? I think it's because I feel like I've lost SO much and him leaving has made me believe that he doesn't think it's his loss! I've allowed myself to have my value dictated by him. I have lost a lot: my old house, my old job, my old lives, my old friends, and him my old everything. He seems to be carrying on. I do think I'm a good person! I do think I was his best friend and I do think he must miss me. Then I start to counteract with other thoughts- if all of these things were true, how could he be doing this? If he felt as miserable as I do about the split, he would have come back by now. As I was thinking I received another email from his Mom checking on me as I had not responded to her last contact. She mentioned in her email that he has mentioned even recently that my ex "could be making the biggest mistake of his life". She told me this not because she wanted to upset me (which, of course happened!! I'm crying as I write this) but because she wanted me to know how highly everyone still thinks of me. Why would he think he's making the biggest mistake of his life and keep going? I don't know. What I do know is that I do have to take this job, even though I'm panicking about it SO much. I hope and pray that I do not see him, because it will be far too hard for me, especially if he's with another woman. I feel so sad. What a horrible way to be. I hope this passes soon because I've been trying so hard to get my life together and plan a new life, but really, the sadness is always there. The only way I can go forward at the moment is to have the safety of not seeing him ever again- I think it would be far too hard. Will I forever feel sad about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristenelaine Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 You wont be sad forever. Just wait until you get to the frustrated and pissed off stage..its awesome! My ex was with another girl before he and I even said goodbye. It hurt deep, but has made it soooo much easier to get over him. Take the job, be civil if you see him. Do whats best for you...noone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristenelaine Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 P.S. - OSP has made some amazing comments that have stuck with me as well. What an inspiring person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secondchance67 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 There will be a part of you that will always feel the pain and sadness that a R/S of great length will leave behind....it will be a very small part of you, but it will never fade away completely. Much like a tattoo...it will be there as a reminder of what once was.....but it will be more like a scar, a reminder of an event that hurt you, marked you with its brand....and this scar will be forever on your heart. Anyone can say it will fade in time, this pain and almost "agony"; but the fact remains that yes, in time you will get past this....but you will NEVER forget this - this is one of the true defining moments in your life. Too many here want to tell you to "shake it off, get real, stop living in denial"....and that has its place....but for you, you need to let this die when it dies....you have tried rushing it...pushing it away....tried to accept it and then went right back into the familiar arms of the sadness and grief that are comforting and keeping you tied to his memory. By your own account, He is trying to or he has moved on....he is living his life, while you continue to live in the shadows of what was, holding onto the ghost of him and the past............he has let it die......you must do the same now.....let this die inside you....just loosen your grip on it and let it slowly slip from your hands like a fist full of sand......your life is waiting for you, PTB....when are you going to start living it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
playstheblues Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 I know you are right, and thanks for your comments, I appreciate them more than you know. I wish I could let it die, but I feel like I'm holding onto the pain for some reason. Maybe it's because I don't want to let any more of him slip away. He seems to have tried to wipe his slate clean and get rid of anything that is a reminder of his past including me, his job, his house, his car, his old friends. Everything. But I went first. Maybe that's why I'm grabbing back with my mind. The thing is, If that wasn't real love and a great relationship, I don't know what is. And if he could let go of everything that so easily - including me - his self professed 'love of his life' then what does that say? I've lost faith in people and in love. Why doesn't he realise what he's missing? What he's lost? I thought he'd momentarily stumbled, but it turns out he hasn't. This is the way it is now. It almost makes me heave when I think about everything I've lost- how could he just forget? That's why I'm so worried to run into him. I had a love for him that was pure and deep and true and unlike any feeling I'd ever experienced. There were no pretences or ulterior motives- just love. It is ridiculous that I prayed to no one in particular that he would realise what he's done and come back to me as recently as last night. I am under no illusions that he will, but it doesn't stop me praying. I find it very difficult to comprehend that I will never do any of 'those things' from my old life again and that he must be comfortable with the thought of potentially never seeing me again. I think you're right- I've been trying so hard to accept, move on, but it's not coming easily. I'm scared to make my life now. Maybe that's why I'm still hanging on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilybeam Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 OSP is one wise puppy! And as SC67 says, embrace the pain (and from my POV the angry stage) when and if it comes. It is like riding a bucking bronto, but from my experience of past relationships, it brings with it the detachment you need to get on with life and start 'tasting' it again. I've seen exes with their new partners and it's never as bad as I thought it would be. In fact it is almost healing as it helps you to launch yourself on without carrying the burden which is worrying about them and what they are thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
playstheblues Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Why would he say that he could well be making the biggest mistake of his life and then keep going??!! I feel like its a mistake for both of us, but he doesn't think that, because if he honestly did, then he would come back- wouldn't he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Budman Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Why would he say that he could well be making the biggest mistake of his life and then keep going??!! I feel like its a mistake for both of us, but he doesn't think that, because if he honestly did, then he would come back- wouldn't he? Honestly, I'm having the same thing going on. If someone really cared they would let it known. I'm doing the best to be done with that person. It just takes time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristenelaine Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 He could have said that this could be the biggest mistake of his life, but for him, it still be the right decision. I dont know if I am capable to let someone else in after my ex. But that doesnt mean I am not going to try. No man will ever be on a pedestal with me again however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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