Should I be waiting for her? ... Strange Circumstances (I think)

[Skobefree]

My ex split with me because she wanted to discover herself and what she wants in life. I have made a few posts to this site throughout my ordeal. It's been over a month now since we split.

 

I think the circumstances are strange because we are both still crazy in love with eachother and care about eachother very much. We are best friends and we did absolutely everything together. Our sex life was out of this world. And we just talked and talked and talked when we were together, no time wasted watching TV or anything like that, we were infatuated with eachother and really enjoyed eachothers company. I wasn't entirely sure about how she felt about me until I broke No Contact a few times (I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself!) and even when the regret struck and I thought I was pushing her further away, she always responded. She had doubts about me which I pretty much removed by breaking NC and explaining myself to the utmost extent, so basically breaking that rule worked out very well for me and she told me in a response that if we had met just a little later in life then she would be certain about spending her life with me... But she can't make a decision now while she's so young.

 

I don't want to lose her. I am open to the prospect of finding a new love but things with her were so perfect in my eyes and I always felt so happy and lucky to have found such a great love. I thought we were inseperable. We had discussed friendship but I had declined for all the obvious emotional reasons and all the pain that would cause, but eventually we came to a decision that we would start with minimal amounts of contact in a few months via emails and not discussing how we're feeling just seeing where it takes us... Friendship or back together.

 

I still have my doubts and worries that time apart could change us and either of us could move on and find a new love. But right now I don't want to let go of the thought that we may end up together again. I feel like I'd rather hold on to that and use it as my motivation. I guess I'd like to hear from someone else who has had a smiliar experience... I know people will tell me to move on, but I don't wnat to force myself to move on either. People always say to stick to No Contact (and I will from now on) but so far breaking No Contact was a blessing and I don't know wether I should continue to break the "rules" by waiting for her...

[Minx2012]

I think the circumstances are strange because we are both still crazy in love with eachother and care about eachother very much. We are best friends and we did absolutely everything together. Our sex life was out of this world. And we just talked and talked and talked when we were together, no time wasted watching TV or anything like that, we were infatuated with eachother and really enjoyed eachothers company.

 

If this was the case, then why would she put her own desires before the " us "? Sometimes, one has to be objective and see how things really are rather than believing the assumed. Once someone is SURE about someone bc it's really great, there is no time for testing.

[Skobefree]

We are both spiritual people to an extent. She want's to experience a huge heartbreak. This is very upsetting to me but I respect her for it. I was her first serious relationship and she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with doubts or wondering 'what if' because she never had any other relationships to compare things to either. At the same time I also do appreciate the experience in a strange way. She may have to have a relationship with someone else to realise that things were so special between us. That's just something I will have to deal with... but I'm really hoping she won't be able to go through with that. In a selfish sort of way, I'm hoping that starting with the minimal amounts of contact in future will be my ticket back into her heart or something. But it could also be a big doorway to a lot of pain and disappointment if she realises things weren't so great between us. I'm worried that she's just the kind of girl that any guy would be crazy about...

[Habibi]

another fairy tale...but lets dissect it :

Our sex life was out of this world.

 

she would have never left!!! specially if she could have orgasms with you..granted!

if we had met just a little later in life

 

thats a conditional...love killer!

 

I don't want to lose her

 

i believe it..but she doesnt want to be with you

 

People always say to stick to No Contact (and I will from now on)

 

im not the other people so i will tell you do as you please because you aint getting anything from her, she is gone. NC will only provide her a relief.

 

waiting for her

 

besides being very unattractive, you will get old and lonely. she made it clear and she doesnt want to be with you. Respect that and do as you please till she asks you to get the hell out of her life completely.

 

 

Sorry if this comes too harsh for you, but human nature dictates here in your case.

[Tom1990]

There are times when a partner wants to find themselves but will come back, and in that case it may be worth waiting for. But this is not one of those times. She's not coming back. You'd know for sure if she was.

[Skobefree]

@ dumba55 - I appreciate your harsh response. Any and all perspectives are appreciated. But the sex was great and she did orgasm with me, not all the time but maybe once a week or once a fortnight. I fail to see how orgasms would be enough to make a girl want to stay with a guy though... She can make herself orgasm whenever she wants anyway.

 

Meeting a little later in life was like her main reason, she's 3 years younger than me. She does want to be with me, at least she keeps telling me she does anyway. And she wanted to stay in contact, It's me that wants NC. Also I wasn't talking about waiting for her for long. Maybe 6 months? I don't want to rush into a rebound relationship and ruin what I had with her if she ever does come back I kinda feel like I should save myself for her... but I am very bored now sexually, and would consider hooking up with people if I thought there was no chance of getting back with her.

 

@ Tom1990 - There can't be any way of being sure about the future. I'd say I'm 50/50 to be honest. Maybe leaning slightly further towards knowing I will have her back one day. But I can't be sure of that either as I'm not certain what my psychological state of mind currently is. Part of me wants to go be free and explore the world, but the other part of me wants to be romantic and focus on finding my way back to her again. If I knew I was going to get back with her for definite I could happily wait as she fulfilled my sexual desires in every way, I would have no need to be with anyone else.

 

I still have time to contact her as I am waiting some news (private matter) that she is sending me in the next few days before going total NC for at least 3 or 4 months... Can anyone think of anything I should maybe try and establish/find out before going total NC? Or something I should consider before I end up thinking and overanalyzing everything?

[Habibi]

I fail to see how orgasms would be enough to make a girl want to stay with a guy though... She can make herself orgasm whenever she wants anyway.

 

Ouch...I know a girl who does.Sad but true.

You are very smart not wanting to be in contact to dont allow her friend-zone you. Aside from this, it is a clear message of "I want something more than just being there or plain friends".

Dont over analyze anything,go with the flow,see what happens BUT dont wait for anybody.

And when you go full NC...remember that then you are a walking prize

[RedDress]

The problem is that she is lying to you. She THINKS she is being nice by saying that she loves you and wants to be with you one day... she thinks she's letting you down easy... but as you can see, this is quite cruel.

 

Why do I think she's lying?

 

Well... first - let's call this what it is. She isn't trying to "find herself". She is trying to find someone else - by her own admission! It isn't that she wants to be free, maybe travel and discover her "single self" before she settles down... It's that she wants to have relationships with other men. That's extremely different than "finding herself" (you don't "find yourself" in the arms of another person...). Plenty of people all over the world marry their first love and are "sure" about it... this is a pretty bad excuse.

 

But this is the kicker:

 

She had doubts about me which I pretty much removed by breaking NC and explaining myself to the utmost extent, so basically breaking that rule worked out very well for me

 

If the problem is simply that she is young and wants to experience other men... wait... what are these doubts she is talking about? I thought she loved you completely and if she was older there would BE no doubts...

 

There is more to the story (on her end) than she is telling you. This is what you discovered when you broke NC. You didn't actually fix everything... maybe you fixed one small part of the mystery problem that she is not talking about. It's like the tip of an iceburg. If you HAD fixed all her doubts... she'd be back with you!

 

I hate it when people do this. They do it all the time - especially as the dumper. They say things to let the dumpee hold on under the guise of being nice... but what they are really trying to do is keep you as a safety net. She has no intention of coming back unless things go catastrophically wrong. And if you sit around and wait for her? She will lose further respect for you because getting you back will have been "easy".

 

There is ZERO reason to wait. She's not telling you the truth. She's keeping you as a safety net. And if you wait and it DOES work out, you will be her whipping post.

 

This is where you need love and respect for yourself and to move on...

[Skobefree]

Thank you, RedDress. These are the things I need to hear (As much as I don't want to haha)... It does seem that she is trying to let me down easy but other things she has said make me believe she has only been honest with me this whole time because she also says she does not want to give me hope and that she does not want me to wait for her.

 

I realise that she wants to have relationships with other men. She has said this and been honest about it. But I am happy for her to do this now rather than staying with me for another few years and cheating on me because she had very strong urges to be with other men or breaking up with me after an even longer period which can only be harder I would imagine. At least she has been honest about it and I fully trust that she has never cheated on me before.

 

Her other doubts were regarding mistakes I had made in the past, a few things we had overcame. I never brought any past mistakes up again after we had got through them so I never "proved" that I had changed as such... but I had changed and I had to explain to her how I had changed and remind her how these problems never occurred again and that we did learn from them and they only made us better together by sticking through them. She agreed it seemed. I think she was using them as reasons to get over me but I had to remind her that they are no longer vaid...

 

I can't make her realise that what we had was special. She has only ever been in one serious relationship (with me). That's the biggest reason and there's nothing I can do about that. I can only let her go and experience it... Or realise for herself that she needs to be with me. And I want her to realise that, I really do. But at the same time I'm not totally closed to finding a new relationship... For me though, It's gonna take a very unique type of beautiful girl to make me want to start a new relationship. I'm just sort of afraid of not finding it and settling for something less now.

[rickyspanish]

my ex left to work on herself too. been a little over a month. she left it somewhat open to getting back together in the future but the more i think about it * * * * it man im not going to get burnt. sit around all day and wait while shes out having the time of her life and theres no gurantee she will even be back. imagine if you waited for her months go by and you find out shes in a relationship with someone and could care less about you. I dont know about you, but im not going to let that happen. if an oppurtunity comes up to be with someone im taking it.

[rickyspanish]

and who knows if you start spending time with a new lady friend it might even give her a kick in the ass and make her want to come back. dont wait.

[Skobefree]

Thanks for that man, I appreciate it and that's what I will be doing. I wont be sitting around waiting for her but I will just b doing my usual thing. I have a lot of hobbies and friends to keep me occupied. I can't really think about being with another girl though, I couldnt hurt another person while I'm damaged goods haha.

 

I was about to make a new post because I'm feeling messed up but I saw your post as I refreshed the page... If anyone can help me out with this I would really appreciate it... I'm not sure what to do.

 

If anyone has read this thread, I really need some advice now. I'm in 2 minds (maybe 3 or 4 or 20!) I don't know if I should send an email declaring that I don't want to be screwed around any more. That I love her and need her and if she cant recognise how special things are with is then she does not deserve me and she will lose me for good. No friendship, nothing. I know she cares about me but she is messing with me intentionally or unintentionally and my mind is all over the place. I can't keep going through this. She has made my happy life into a hell that won't go away no matter what I do. Should I be being nice to her and ending on these terms and allowing her to have me as a safety net? Or should I throw it all away? I'm seriously messed up right now guys, all help is appreciated... I know I'm on a down right now and I could be on an up later or tomorrow or whatever and totally regret screwing it up again... Please help lol

[rickyspanish]

i wouldnt email. i sent her like a 20 page text message covering every way i felt about the breakup and then some 2 weeks after the rbeak up after we had limited contact and she even text me how much she missed me and alot of positive signs. she diddnt even reply! i would just let it go for now its hard as hell i know im right there with you but strat going out and meetning girls. no one said you had to start a relationship wiht a girl but spending time with them going tot he movies or w/e will make her question. she mgiht think your in a relationship or starting one and that will make her panic. and if it doesnt then atleast your meeting girls. its a win-win.i kept her as a friend on facebook just so when i go out and get pictures wiht girls i can put them up and shell see them.

[rAFC]

I wouldn't send her ANYTHING at all. There is nothing you can do or say to make her come back, only things that will push her further away. Don't tell her you won't be waiting around, JUST STOP WAITING AROUND! Don't tell her you can't be friends, JUST STOP BEING HER FRIEND! This is what she wanted, so give it to her times 10. Go live your life. You should never, ever allow yourself to be someone else's back up plan. Consider her gone. If at some time in the future she comes back to you, you can consider her proposal then, but do not waste any time wondering if it will happen (Ironically, it almost never happens UNTIL you have given up the hope of it happening).

 

I know how difficult getting dumped can be. Almost everyone here does, that is why we are here. In fact, it is a fairly universal human experience. The one thing you have left is your self respect, do whatever it takes to keep it. If someone wants out of a relationship with you, the ONLY thing you can do is let them go. In time you will feel better, but the healing can only begin when you fully let go. You will find someone new, someone better, someone who will never even consider letting you go.

[Skobefree]

Stern but fair haha. Thank you to everybody who shared their advice.

[Without25]

Hey man, I completely know what your going through. The quickest and simplilest advice that I can give you, is this. If you want to be with her and want a lasting relationship, you have to get out and be the best you, you can be. Fix things that you don't like about yourself. Do the things you keep putting off, whether it be getting your money, body, or whatever in order. Enjoy life!

 

If you want to move on, find a new relationship, and feel great again then I will tell you what to do.

 

"you have to get out and be the best you, you can be. Fix things that you don't like about yourself. Do the things you keep putting off, whether it be getting your money, body, or whatever in order. Enjoy Life"

 

Haha, its kind of cool and kind of sucks when you think about it, but its true.

 

Anyways, I totally get what your going through, I've been there before, and am there again. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to who is going through the same thing, if your in Michigan at all, I'll buy you a drink, haha.

 

For some quick perspective, I went through this same thing last year with the same girl I am going through it with now, got her back, fixed myself and a lot of other issues that were brought up in the break up, and had a great relationship again. However we forgot to fix her "wanting to experience life and have someone to compare me to" so we broke up again. Sadly it was probably because WE couldn't fix that issue, she has to do that. Let that be a lesson to you as to why she has to fix/get this out of her system before you can be together.

 

So now I'm in the same boat as you again, but I know I cant pursue her, because I know shes not ready yet. But my heart and my gut tell me that we will be together in the future. Despite a lot of effort on my part, I can't get either my heart or gut to confess when this might be, so until then Life to the Fullest!