Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering...

[20sgal88]

I was perusing on this very site and came accross a link that said “Is he cheating on you?” I clicked on it just out of curiosity and typed in my boyfriend’s email. A match came up but of course for all the specifics about what websites he’s on etc…I have to pay so much money a month.

 

I felt kinda guilty for clicking on it. I got the chills, my teeth started chattering and I got that familiar sick feeling in my gut. Reminded me of when we first started dating and I discovered he was talking to another girl on the side. Also reminded me of the time I found that he had a link removed account.

 

I guess the truth is I don’t trust him. He’s proven himself to be untrustworthy in the past. Even if he’s not up to anything now I can never ever really be sure. This has plagued me since the beginning…nearly five years ago. I just don’t know what kind of sense to make out of it. I can’t truly forgive it, I clearly can’t let it go and in some weird way I’m attracted to the pain.

 

Thoughts? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Guys, I welcome your input. I think men are inclined a certain way and there’s no such thing as “true fidelity”. I’m realizing it more and more and it disappoints the hell out of me. I checked out the link removed site he was on and from what I gleaned you can have a “virtual fling” which I consider to be cheating.

 

Maybe he just went on the site to look at porn but my next question is, where do you draw the line? Where do you say, “Ok, him looking at other females’ gyrating bodies and slicking his penis up to it is ok but the moment he actually engages someone else either through text, chat or anything virtual, then it’s cheating,” ????

 

I got him to admit to me one time looking at porn is technically cheating. I don’t know. Maybe we should just covert our relationship to an open one, never get married and regard each other at a distance so I never have to feel uncomfortable or threatened again. I’m babbling, I know. I’m disenchanted with it all. It’s terribly upsetting and bothersome to me. It’s a catch 22. I realize it is what it is but I don’t approve of it. What do I do?

[SoMuchLove]

I think men are inclined a certain way and there’s no such thing as “true fidelity”

 

Please keep focus on him! Don't allow one bad egg to make you use the "men are" or "all guys" line. We hate that because guys that do cheat are the reason why we have to put up with so much testing from women lol

 

Women are capable of being that way though we won't lump you all into one category but back to the point-

 

I feel if you don't trust him, it may be best for you to walk away from this relationship at some point. I say this because you will be constantly wondering what he's doing and who is he with when your not around and that is not healthy. Also, relationships are built on trust and communication. If you aren't solid with those two, chances are higher that it will fail anyway. Simply be assertive with him and tell him how it makes you feel and give a consequence if you even notice him using that site again.

 

As far as porn, I don't think it's cheating. How does him watching porn make you feel? I would say neglected sexually and a bit insecure as far as "why is he watching porn when he can just have sex with me?" Maybe talking to him about what he likes about porn as far as if he has fantasies that he could act out with you. Or maybe he watches because there are certain things he likes you may not be into or he just likes porn and it's nothing against you personally. Some people are voyeurs where seeing different angles or sex may be a bit more satisfying that actually having sex.

 

Though to sum up, just ask what he gets from watching porn that he doesn't get from having sex with you. And I feel you can either walk away, or trust he isn't cheating on you until you catch him in the act some how. Sort of like stopping your mind from spinning imaginary negative webs that make you overly suspicious even if your suspicions are correct. Since he cheated before, you have the right to feel he may do it again-

[BrianH46]

Has he ever done anything though? Granted the link removed thing is quite suspect but other than that he seems quite innocent if in 5 years together that is all you got on him. Usually I would advise people to trust their gut and pay attention to facts however in your case you needlessly very insecure. This is based off of your view that porn is cheating and how you can never trust him despite him not really doing much in five years. I'd say work on your insecurities a bit and see if these thoughts of him being a cheater goes away.

[BrianH46]

something to look at that might give you perspective

 

[20sgal88]

Thank you both for responding! You have given me good points to consider. I know I delved more into the porn thing more than another factor for concern I had briefly mentioned: how he was talking to another girl on the side. The first 6 months of our relationship he was racking up my cell bill over $2000 (that actually happened in the first month), bought me red roses and chocolates, introduced me to everyone including his mom as his girlfriend AND was talking to this chick about her hair, eyes, smile and meeting up with her at the same time. He said he “still had that strawberry milkshake waiting” for her.

 

He’d text this same girl right in front of me and say he couldn’t talk long cuz his girlfriend was jealous and he’d talk to her later and referred to her as “mystery girl”. He told me he deleted her number and 2 months later I found it hidden on his phone under an alias.

 

Eventually, all the cards came out on the table and he admitted that he was confused and “not to be cruel or anything” but was talking to her first! If she’s so damn great and was FIRST why didn’t he just go be with her then?

 

Besides that, he’s compared me sexually to his ex-girlfriend. Chew on this:

 

He claimed he didn’t look at porn while dating his ex-girlfriend because she was “really good at sex.” I put 2 and 2 together and said, “Oh so you look at porn while you’re dating me so that must mean I’m not good at sex,” He said that wasn’t what he was saying at all. ??? Doesn’t make any sense to me.

 

I feel I can’t top the ex. He * * * * ed her in a park bathroom stall, went down on her on her rag, had anal sex with her AND on top of all of this she was a squirter. A few times while we were being intimate he has said things to me like, “I think you squirted a little bit,” or “You almost squirted,” It ticks me off because I DON’T do that, SHE does.

 

He had a female friend that he had messed around with before we started dating. He told me he used to give her back massages, reach around to her front and one thing would lead to another. He remained friends with this person after we started dating, made crude jokes in front of me by calling her up and telling her he was “thinking about her big * * * * ,” ---the same ones he sucked and knocked back and forth on each other, mind you. He told me this. How else would I know?

 

I found that same girl’s underwear in his room. Supposedly she had got in a fight with her dad, needed a place to stay for the night and just used his room to change. But if you walk in a room with the sole purpose of exchanging the clothing you’re wearing on your body with the clothes you carry in your arms, why would you not exit the room in the same fashion? Changing takes what? 30 seconds? Why leave her panties, pants and shirt on the floor right next to his bed?

 

He’s had an inappropriate relationship with a younger girl. See link:

 

 

And four years later lies to me about his whereabouts with her. He took me to a place once where he had sex with me in the backseat of his car (I was 19 at the time, he was 21) and when we finished and were putting our clothes back on he told me he had taken a 14 year old girl to the same spot. I indignantly asked him if he had screwed her too. He denied it.

 

Just weird * * * * , man. There’s more. A whole hell of a lot more. But I fear your interest has waned and writing a novel will decrease it even more. I appreciate your time, I really do. Most folks look over my posts but don’t bother answering. Maybe my situation is too screwed up for words?

[camus154]

He’d text this same girl right in front of me and say he couldn’t talk long cuz his girlfriend was jealous and he’d talk to her later and referred to her as “mystery girl”. He told me he deleted her number and 2 months later I found it hidden on his phone under an alias.

 

He had a female friend that he had messed around with before we started dating. He told me he used to give her back massages, reach around to her front and one thing would lead to another. He remained friends with this person after we started dating, made crude jokes in front of me by calling her up and telling her he was “thinking about her big * * * * ,” ---the same ones he sucked and knocked back and forth on each other, mind you. He told me this. How else would I know?

 

I found that same girl’s underwear in his room. Supposedly she had got in a fight with her dad, needed a place to stay for the night and just used his room to change. But if you walk in a room with the sole purpose of exchanging the clothing you’re wearing on your body with the clothes you carry in your arms, why would you not exit the room in the same fashion? Changing takes what? 30 seconds? Why leave her panties, pants and shirt on the floor right next to his bed?

 

And four years later lies to me about his whereabouts with her. He took me to a place once where he had sex with me in the backseat of his car (I was 19 at the time, he was 21) and when we finished and were putting our clothes back on he told me he had taken a 14 year old girl to the same spot. I indignantly asked him if he had screwed her too. He denied it.

 

Your problem isn't that your boyfriend is a cheater, but that he's a douche bag. I mean, enough of one to make me question you for being with him.

 

Do yourself a favor and get rid of him.

[20sgal88]

Your problem isn't that your boyfriend is a cheater, but that he's a douche bag. I mean, enough of one to make me question you for being with him.

 

Do yourself a favor and get rid of him.

 

Thanks for your response. I question myself too. I think, “What in the hell is wrong with me that I attract a person like this?” Or better yet: “Why do I stick around? Who’s the bigger idiot—him or me?”

 

I think deep down I know the answer to that question. That’s just the bad * * * * though. According to the law of opposites, we have had good occurrences in our relationship if you can believe that. Or do you think the bad alone negates any good? I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid to throw a relationship, albeit a dysfunctional one, down the toilet. I can always do that. It’s more challenging to stick it out.

 

These are just grievances I hold onto because I have a problem with letting * * * * go. We’ve been together almost half a decade. He said to me recently, “Do you think we’ve been together so long because we’re afraid to look outside the box?” I told him maybe and offered up my explanation that all we are is animals and that we release certain chemicals in our brain that causes us to stick together long enough to reproduce. To which he replied, “That doesn’t mean I don’t love you,”

 

I don’t know. Is love and hate 2 horns on the same goat? I guess what I’m looking for is impossible. I want him to apologize for all the * * * * that’s happened in the past, slap a palm to his head and say, “What was I thinking?!” And never have it happen again. For the last 6 months things have been relatively quiet. No major disruptions or disrespect.

 

Is ending it and embarking on an endless quest to find the perfect mate truly the best approach?