The worst pain I've ever experienced.

[brian1993]

This may long winded, but if one of you guys finds the time to read this it would be greatly appreciated. I have no one else to go to but here, and this has been on my mind constantly for the past few months. This is my first post here, I just found this site today and figured it was perfect. Anyways....

 

Let me start with how I felt towards me ex during the time we dated. I was absolutely in love with the girl. I spent almost everyday with her and loved being around her. I was 100% trusting in her. She truly made me a happy person and I loved having her as a part of my life.

 

My ex broke up with me around Christmas time. It's June 7th now, and I still feel absolutely dreadful about it, and there are reasons for that. When she broke up with me she left me with just "I'm I promise we will be absolutely perfect in the future, I'm just going under stress from school and can't handle having a boyfriend. (this is while we were on break from school we go to two different colleges. she decides to do this over text message.) At first, I was 100% fine and understandable about that. I told her its ok and do what you gotta do. I was upset at little though, but her saying together in the future made it okay. I did feel something was very strange about this whole situation though, as she did grow overly distant towards the end of the winter break. At the start of the winter break she acted very happy to see me but for some reason that changed at the end. She acted like she hated having me around and like she was annoyed to see me. I thought it was a phase, as I know she was going through depression. Also I left out a big part.... One night earlier in the year we both actually ended up cheating on each other at our colleges. On the same night we figured out, while we were both extremely intoxicated. (Freshman year...) I was taken advantage of by another girl. In order to deal with this, the next day she broke up with me for a small break. I was confused so I never told her. The guilt ended up driving me insane and I spilled the truth to her and I ended up learning that the reason why she broke up with me was for the same thing. She made me feel extremely extremely guilty for cheating on her despite me reaching out for her and telling her the truth, and her doing the same thing to me. Let me make one thing clear though, this whole thing was extremely emotionally difficult for both of us. I've never seen a girl cry like she did, and I felt hurt also. We eventually got over it and tried to move on and we became very very happy again until our second break up.

 

As time moved on from the break-up I was confused. She was being distant, not friendly, and just not the person I used to know and love. It killed me inside, and drove me insane. So a few months after the break-up I messages her, telling her how I was feeling. To me a big big surprise I learned was that she recently started seeing on of our co-workers. Yes thats right, we work at the same store when we are both home. This by far the most emotionally damaging thing that has ever happened to me in my short life. I felt like I lost a part of me, I felt so betrayed, and I just felt lost. Millions of emotions ran through my head rapidly. I cried and I cried, because I couldn't believe that she would actually do this to me. I spent days doing nothing. Now it is summer time and I work almost daily with both her and her current bf. Let me tell you that there is nothing more painful in the world than what I am experiencing everyday at work. The pain is almost unbearable and sometimes I feel like its driving me towards insanity and I am an extremely reasonable person. She promised she would not shove it in my face but the first day back I saw them hook-up which crushed me, and I always see them hugging, being happy, etc. A few days ago another co-worker and me got talking. She told me a lot of things about my girlfriend that shocked me. She told me that she has been talking to this other guy since Christmas time (around when we broke up initially and she said we would be perfect in the future, leaving me with fake hope) and that when I bought her her christmas gift (a necklace and others...) the co worker asked my GF about it and she said "Oh, yeah were only friends now." When I was clearly under the idea that we were way more than friends. This hurt me even more than I originally was.

 

I don't know how to deal with this pain. I want to die. I've though about suicide many times. I have no one anymore. I have friends, but they don't make me happy like she did.

 

Let me also explain my current relationship with her.

 

When I first learned about her BF, I told her that we shouldn't talk for a little while and she understood. So I didn't talk to her for about 3 weeks until I moved home. Deep down I did not know how I felt about her at this point. It was difficult because I felt so betrayed and hateful towards her, but I still missed her. I thought I would be able to handle this whole thing before I came back home to work. I was wrong. One day she messaged me because she saw my name was back on the schedule at work. She said that we probably can't ignore each other since were working together and I agreed. We went out to lunch with another friend and talked. The entire time I quickly realized how hard it would be, because I could not help but feel angry towards her and upset the entire time. I quickly realized that I should be furious at her for what she did to me and I started to ignore her. I don't talk to her at all and its been almost a month like this. I know that me ignoring her drivers her nuts. She has cried in work over it and even asked me to quit my job. It is hard to explain this to an outsider, because we were truly best friends before this happened, not only boyfriend girlfriend.

 

My question is, how do I deal with seeing my ex with another guy every day? How do I deal with the fact that she betrayed me, and made me feel like I can never trust anyone again? How do I deal with losing a best friend and a lover? How do I deal with a constant pain in my head from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep? How to I treat her? What do I do? How do I stop feeling lost?

[Ms Darcy]

The more important question is how do you move on. I would suggest reading "From Abandonment to Healing." Ironically, no one else can make you happy. The "love" euphoria always wears off and we are left with ourselves after a while. You have to learn how to be happy within yourself.

 

In terms of work, can you get another job?

[brian1993]

The more important question is how do you move on. I would suggest reading "From Abandonment to Healing." Ironically, no one else can make you happy. The "love" euphoria always wears off and we are left with ourselves after a while. You have to learn how to be happy within yourself.

 

In terms of work, can you get another job?

No one else can make me happy? That sounds scary...

 

And for work, this job is too beneficial for me too leave. I make too much money there to afford to leave.

[MFloyd]

I think Ms Darcy was referring to your "she truly made me happy" comment. You probably meant that you took delight in being around her but to some, it came accross as "I need this specific woman in order to live my life."

 

My words of wisdom are not what you want to hear, but here goes. When two very young people go off somewhere to start the next stage of their lives, big changes happen. You both might find that your hometown isn't the be all end all, for instance. She might have nursed a tiny crush on your coworker for a long while, but this big change has encouraged her to re-evaluate everything, including her relationship with you. Are you better than this guy she's hooked up with? Hell yeah! It's a shame that she's one of those people who needs a few short, sharp, shocks to appreciate a nice man.

 

So, you say you bagged a babe your freshman year? Sounds to me like you've already got an edge on most people who are recovering from a break-up. I'll bet you a dollar that she stayed with you because you had also slept with someone. In her mind, maybe she realized that you had other options and that didn't sit very nice. You're doing good in ignoring her. Let her find out what's what in life, and please take on board that it could have easily been you who needed this lesson. Don't be too hard on her but as the wisdom goes, your belle will be attracted to happiness, not your sadness.

[brian12345]

I really feel for you, that is quite rough. The first thing I'll say is that your healing has obviously been delayed by the false expectations she gave you, and because you have to see her every day and it tortures you (which I imagine means it'll be very slow progress). So the first thing I'll tell you is that you may feel as though "this is never going to end" and you'll feel like hell forever, but as time passes you're going to get better. It will probably take a lot longer for you than most because if your situation, but don't feel as though the state you're in is permanent, you just got brought to worse than square 1 a month ago.

 

If you make enough money at your job, go see a therapist as well. This will help you make progress and express the emotions and feelings you'll bottle up. Also, try to calm your mind and not overthink everything at the moment, as hard as that may be. Focus on the basics. Try and get more sleep than you're probably getting. Eat better than you're eating, even if you have to force it down. Exercise almost every day. All these things will help the emotional situation and the pounding in your head.

 

Lastly, feel everything you need to feel, but know that the true "one" who could make you happy for life wouldn't do what she did to you. I know it sounds crappy to hear because things were so good when you were with her, but see her for who she is now. This is not the same girl you fell in love with. This is going to be very tough for you, but you can make it, I've been through it pretty bad myself, and some have been through just as bad or worse than you believe it or not. Take it 1 day at a time, and focus on the basics.

[brian1993]

Thank you, this really helped me out a lot. For some reason, I've been doing a lot better in the past few days. I kind of realized what you said in the last paragraph. Her doing that makes me not love her or even like her anymore. It made it easier for me to move on. It is hard seeing her everyday, but I'm starting to believe that it bothers more than it bothers me. I'm gettin there, but slowly.

[lilybeam]

You are very brave and you are doing the right things.

 

At first I actually wished I worked with my ex or had some other way to dangle my wonderful self in front of him to make him realise what he'd lost, but I now think that must be hard. I'm only a month or two on in and I promise you it gets better; what I felt for him has become a kind of revulsion which I guess will go through several cycles and end up somewhere around benign indifference.

 

I find it so amazing how much power we give to the dumpers, speaking as one who was completely floored. And I reckon life always deals you an upgrade when you're least expecting it, so as the other Brian says, be in a great position to welcome her in!