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Friend hanging out with ex-boyfriend, am I overreacting?


Anomie_

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I have had this friend, Sally, since high school that has been running into a mutual friend of ours in college named Mary. We occasionally hung out together, but it's after I started dating one of Mary's friends, that the friendship was sealed and we were always together including the boyfriend. He and I broke up sometime in December and that was the last time I've seen any of them. Although he never failed to document his day to day basis through photographs on facebook and often took pictures of all them hanging out together. Sally even asked him to be the photographer for her sister's bridal shower recently.

 

I understand that Mary is still friends with the ex, as they've been friends before. It bothers me that Sally doesn't respect my feelings. My ex never really cared for her but they are suddenly hanging out often. I did explain to her how it bothers me that they have been seeing each other much more often that she and I, especially since our friendship is a long history! She just apologized and said she can't help it if it's a group setting. And she's right in a way, but I still believe, she could do something about it if she really respected my side of the argument.

 

Anyway. I have deleted and blocked the ex off facebook, but the tagged pictures of her are still flooding in. I have tried to calmly explain my feelings. Now I don't know if I should block her out of my life too and forget about all this. I know I shouldn't care for what others do with their lives, but it's sucky that not only did I lose a boyfriend in the process, but also my friends too??

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Anomie-

 

I feel EXACTLY what you're going through. And let me tell you... my situation ended up in pain and heartbreak.

 

After me and my ex split up, my (former) best friend and her hung out a lot. Few days ago found out that they are seeing one another, and were lying and deceptive about it the whole time.

 

I'm not gonna say EVERYONE is up to something... but instead of trusting my gut (which was right), I trusted my best friend (who was lying). So if you feel like the situation isn't right... you're probably right. Sorry to say...

 

Hopefully your problem ends up better than mine!

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And she's right in a way, but I still believe, she could do something about it if she really respected my side of the argument.
What could she do? The only thing I can think of is to cut herself off from that group which is hardly reasonable to expect.
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I don't think it's fair to ask your friend to stop being friends with your ex. Sorry. You don't control her. If you want to stop having her pictures come up on your feed, you can do that quietly (there's a function on fb) and then don't visit her fb page. Don't block her out of your life. That's so melodramatic. You'll lose a friend over nothing except an over-reaction.

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Camus154, I wouldn't blame everything on Facebook. Assuming I never had it, I wouldn't have a since clue if the friends and the ex were hanging out, and I doubt any of them would find it necessary to tell me.

 

GetOverItPlz, I'm reading your post now!

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the above link i think you should read!! but this seems to be happening a lot in 2012..

 

i would honestly go with your gut about your situation, my ex friend went off with my ex, and it still hurts now

 

sorry i am not much help as i am still learning here on ENA. x

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Camus154, I wouldn't blame everything on Facebook. Assuming I never had it, I wouldn't have a since clue if the friends and the ex were hanging out, and I doubt any of them would find it necessary to tell me.

 

Err...that's kind of my point

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She was my friend before she was friends with my ex. I didn't ask her to stop, just for her to know that it bothers me and that's all. Because she is making more of an effort to be his friend and she has not bothered to catch up with me since we broke up in december. I know it's childish, but I thought that a decade's worth of friendship means her loyalty would lie with me more than with him.

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She was my friend before she was friends with my ex. I didn't ask her to stop, just for her to know that it bothers me and that's all. Because she is making more of an effort to be his friend and she has not bothered to catch up with me since we broke up in december. I know it's childish, but I thought that a decade's worth of friendship means her loyalty would lie with me more than with him.

 

It is childish. How much of an effort are you making to stay in contact with her? And what's the point of her "just knowing that it bothers you" without expecting her to change anything?

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This sort of thing is to be expected when you date friends of friends and I don't think you get to choose who your friends hang out with after a split. There is no reason why they have to take sides in the split and drop one or the other friend, there is no reason that they can't be friends with both.

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You're right DN. I've been dealing with this by completely alienating myself from any of them. But I've done something out of the norm and actually spoke to the friend about it and how I felt about it. I'm not trying to be the catty evil one and break the friendship between them, Sally is right, she can't help it if it's a group setting and he happens to be there. What I don't want is that she doesn't ask him to do the personal things like be her photographer or her showing up at his apartment as she's done before. It's shady and makes me queasy in my stomach. THAT'S what I don't want to deal with. And if she is not respecting it, then I can't pretend that this situation is not existing.

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What I don't want is that she doesn't ask him to do the personal things like be her photographer or her showing up at his apartment as she's done before. It's shady and makes me queasy in my stomach. THAT'S what I don't want to deal with. And if she is not respecting it, then I can't pretend that this situation is not existing.

 

You're still missing the point. You don't have a right to dictate what she can and can't do with him. It's an all or nothing kind of thing. Either you accept that she's friends with an ex and move on, or you don't and risk losing this friendship.

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So what would you do Camus154 if this was happening in your circle of friends? Would would accept it or move on?

 

I can't answer that for you, OP. There are any number of factors that would influence such a decision.

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Right. I guess I should clarify my stance, too.

 

Mine was under the pretenses that me and my ex were still "working" on things. So if you're done with your ex, that changes things.

 

Also, mine was a situation where I was getting lied to and played. If they are being transparent and you are still upset, that changes things, too.

 

My situation was more on the extreme end. You guys broke up in December.. did you have a bad breakup? Are you still into each other at all? These are all different factors. I guess I shouldn't have snap lumped you into my problem lol. could be totally different points in your relationship with your ex.

 

I hope if it's simply a jealousy thing even though you're over your ex or whatever.. that you can bury the hatchet to keep your friendship. If there are shady dealings going on though... you gotta make a choice.

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Had to register so I could get my say in.

 

You don't own him. You can't control her like she's a child or your puppet. Sure, you can ask her to not do those things with him, but if I were her I would tell you straight up that you have no say in her dealings. You two broke up. Get over him, and stop trying to control the things you cannot (other people) and start controlling the things you can (your own emotions)

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I have taken some time to mull over your responses, and I came to realize that I may have indeed over reacted. Thank you all for helping me work it out in my head. I am making it a point to put this behind me and not bring it up again. It was my choice to end things, and he can do whatever he wants, if that makes him happy I guess. I wasn't attempting to control my friend, just making her aware that well...I don't know, like a bro-code, that with her knowing about my feelings, maybe she'll be conscious of them should anything...more happen between them...but yeah.

 

GetOverItPlz, I read your thread and yes, your situation was a little more extreme, and had vivid red flags to bring you to your conclusion. Mine is not so obvious nor do I even have proof that it exists. My ex was very insecure and controlling when we dated. He would tell me that he loved me unconditionally but then disappear from contact for a whole week just to figure out whether he wanted to be in a relationship or not. 90% of his friends were attractive females but he got extremely upset and would punish me by ignoring me when he saw me speaking with a male friend. Needless to say, I couldn't handle any more drama, it wasn't worth coaxing him to continue a relationship with me (he once said that he started fights with me and pushed me away as a measure to see how much I cared about him, like if I started crying or begged him to stay so we can work things out), so I left and I'm sorry to say that he was extremely upset.

 

And I am jealous. That my friends are spending more time with him than me. He is charismatic as a friend, I suppose and a lot of fun to be around besides everything I've just said before. I take it that's why they favor his friendship. I am not sitting around moping lonely little me, I have called them and asked them to hang out, so it's not as if I am not taking the necessary initiating steps, but they always find an excuse or things don't work out. I guess we'll see what happens.

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