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ToG's Dating Journal


TiredOfGames

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We date, we breakup, we dust ourselves off and try again. In and of this I find myself typing my thoughts and feelings into random text files on my laptop. Well enough is enough... time to start a journal!

 

My entry for yesterday...

 

BU Day 9 (Sun 05.20)

 

I pretend that I'm okay but I'm really not. I'm back in the coffee shop for a few hours just going through the motions it seems. This is draining, going through the motions, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I bumped into her last night and felt anxious, saddened, and yet somewhat excited at the same time. She looked amazing. I miss her smile and warm eyes. I chatted with her and her sister, mainly her sister, for a few minutes. Seemed like the polite and adult thing to do. Presented myself as the happy-go-lucky person I usually am; just didn't and don't feel that way inside right now.

 

Coming to this coffee shop is beginning to feel like torture. It's been a home-from-home for me for the past couple of years, but it's also where I met L. She's another regular, or at least she was. I think she might be avoiding the place at this time. I continue to camp out here but it's getting me down. I think about her daily, almost all the time, and especially when I come here. I torture myself with hopes that she'll walk in at any moment and sit with me for a pleasant conversation. I need to stop this; it's driving me crazy and I really don't feel good inside.

 

Regarding relationships... I don't feel like I can open myself up to this pain any more. But then I do not want to be single for the rest of my life either. I want someone to love and who loves me back in the same way. Perhaps the pain will be worth it. It's a risk I will have to continue taking, until I decide not to.

 

Only one way to go: Onward and upward.

 

ToG

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Yesterday I came accross this post by ~2 sided coin~

 

"When someone is interested in spending time getting to know you, they make time for you. There's no other way around that and if she's not doing that, she's not interested. Either that, or this is yet another case of self-sabotage. Hypothetically if she is interested in you, but fearful of creating a close bond with you out of fear that she will like you or will fall in love so instead she creates space as a defense. A lot of people do that without even realizing it. They want to date, they want a relationship, but they aren't exactly doing the things to put them in position. Or when they do get into position to do it, they get nervous or anxious and decide to pull away."

 

The second argument regarding self-sabotage seems to fit with my ex's behaviour. On reflection the things that I did for her were too much. With anyone else the balance would have been about right; enough of the sweet and romantic gestures without them being too much, but for my ex, with her fear of serious commitment, it was probably too much for her to handle. I try to not blame myself, I really don't believe I did anything wrong; this is her issue. Telling myself this now however doesn't seem to help matters.

 

The small things that I did for my ex:

 

1. Left a small bag of DVD movies with a small note by her front door. This was fairly early on, maybe too early, but during the intense three day period we shared after first meeting. She had told me about her ever changing work schedule, and how after her late evening shifts she would stay up for an hour when arriving home. She would throw on a movie, read, sometimes have a glass of wine, to unwind from her work.

 

2. She had been working on a presentation for her work peers, an evaluation of a research paper. This was a huge deal for her, she spent a lot of time working no it, and she was feeling quite stressed and anxious the day before the presentation. The night before she was working an evening shift, meaning she would arrive home sometime between 12:30 and 1am. I stayed up and left a small note on her car wishing her luck with her presentation and that I knew she would knock it out of the park.

 

3. With her changeable work schedule and my more regular Mon-Fri office hours, we would text a lot between seeing one another. Some days would be lean, others would result in one or more 1+ hour long text conversations. Texting is not the best form of communication in any relationship, but circumstances didn't allow for much else here and we just made it work okay that way. One evening at home I decided to hand-write her a letter instead. I was excited about this! There was so much more I could put into a letter that text messaging cannot convey, but I still kept it to less than 1.5 pages long, very lighthearted, witty with some private/inside jokes, a few compliments here and there etc. In fact the first paragraph was about the idea of a handwritten letter, messy handwriting and the like, which I find somewhat amusing in the age of digital communication. I left the letter in her front door so that she'd get it when arriving home from her evening shift. She sent me a text message right away that night after reading the letter. She was pretty excited about it and thought it very sweet. I liked that she liked it.

 

4. Not long after the letter I found out she had been quite sick with a rather bad cough, sore throat, and losing her voice. I wouldn't normally have left something for her again so soon, but I justified a small care package as being okay. I didn't go over the top with the contents, but I left a small bag with some medicinal items such as cold/cough drink mix, a packet of throat lozenges, travel sized tissue pack, and a couple of movies for her to watch while resting the following day. I also left a small get well card and just a couple of lines in it wishing her a quick recovery. As before I left this by her front door which she would receive upon returning from her evening shift. The following day she called me to thank me. This was our first phone conversation. She called my cell phone (I was at work, but this was perfectly okay) and we spoke for a good 30 or 40 minutes. She thought that the package deserved a phone call rather than a text and she thought it was a very sweet thing to do.

 

5. When driving anywhere I would always open the passenger door for her. I like to think that chivalry is not dead and I want to do small things like this for that extra special person. I would do that for the rest of our lives. One night out to dinner it was raining. We drove downtown, parked outside, and I ran to her side of the car with my umbrella open. I love sharing an umbrella in the rain with a SO btw!

 

All of the above I don't just do for anyone. In fact they have to be pretty darn special for me to feel the excitement and desire to do stuff like this. I really do enjoy doing things like this for that special someone and I can honestly say that this ex is only the third person I've ever felt to be that special. They don't seem to come along that often in my life and I'm naturally pretty selective about who I am attracted to.

 

The few female friends that were genuinely interested in the my breakup story all thought the above list was extremely sweet, and all were a little teary eyed at hearing it. It's nice to have positive confirmation (crying aside!) that the things I do are worthwhile. I'm happy with who I am and what I'm about, warts and all (but no actual warts just yet!).

 

Onward and upward.

 

ToG

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Do I have co-dependancy issues?

 

I don't know for sure but in reading around these forums I think I now have co-dependancy issues. I can't stop thinking about my ex and it's become obsessive. Almost every hour of every day and it's ruining me. I am constantly anxious and it's really stressful. I cannot concentrate at work whatsoever and my productivity has dropped dramatically. I am barely functioning here and I am really concerned. In this regard I am broken, not healthy. I need to be fixed and healthy, or at least able to get a handle on things to exert better ways of handling this behaviour. Even just thinking about this stuff and writing these thoughts and feelings out is exhausting. I do not want this to be me going forward with any future relationships and possible breakups before finding my true SO.

 

I typed the above out yesterday; I just didn't post it at that time. I'm feeling slightly better than I did yesterday, but it's like a roller coaster of highs and lows. Depending on what I have going on, who I'm with, whether or not I happen to see the ex (even if from afar), I keep falling in and out of this pattern. The underlying symptoms are always present (i.e. I'm still always thinking of her, even more so since bumping into her the other night), but I don't always react the same way emotionally and physically. With that said I am still unable to concentrate on anything, work included. I've been spending way too much time thinking about online dating (still undecided on whether to pursue that or not at this time), browsing ENA forums, and jotting my thoughts such as these down.

 

I'm adding this to my journal and posting the initial question as a new thread.

 

Right now though I think I can still safely say... onward and upward!

 

ToG

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I was chatting with a (female) friend about the ex on Sunday. She feels as though I might regret not speaking with the ex again sometime soon to talk about 'us' and possibly rekindling what could be a great thing for us both. I think she is right. I've always been a fighter for those things in life that I am passionate about, and if I do not at least try I will regret it. My friend suggested that things could be kept super slow and casual, seeing each other just once a week or every two, and limiting our communication in-between. No pressure and no stress. I believe that this is at least worth throwing out there for the ex to then decide. During the breakup the ex mentioned on more than one occasion that she might end up regretting her decision. We were really good when together and I know she feels/felt the same way. My friend said that without trying there's a good chance the ex really will regret her decision to call it quits so early on.

 

I could go into more detail about the conversation my friend and I had, and the input/advice that she provided me, but it's likely not worth it at this time...

 

Because of my emotional investment in the ex and the breakup still being quite recent, I do not believe that I'm in a rational state of mind to properly and sensibly assert whether or not I really do want to try for a second chance with the ex. My gut feeling right now is likely false, and it's being fed by the feelings in my heart and what my brain is currently spitting out. At this time I cannot trust my gut; it's simply too early.

 

I need to be in a comfortable and rational state of mind regarding the ex, in a position where I am not obsessing over her, feeling anxious about the situation etc., before returning to the idea of approaching her again. I can see how my gut feels at that time and make a logical judgement as to how I feel. If I still feel like I might regret not trying again, then I will act upon that at that time. Until then I'd be best to wait it out and hope to not bump into her around town again or even see her around my apartment building. First things first: stop obsessing over where she is or what she's doing when I do or do not see her car at the apartment complex.

 

Something that is bothering me...

 

I still don't understand why she never brought up the idea of being friends during the breakup. Regardless of whether or not I would or could (perhaps I would when fully over her), the fact that she never even offered this really bothers me. We got along so well and have so much in common. Even when bumping into her and her sister last weekend, I could tell that she was enjoying the conversation being had even though she had little input.

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