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Dealing with a “forbidden” relationship with the boss who has a girlfriend...


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Hey y'all. I need some advice on how to deal with my current "relationship" with my boss. I've known him since December of last year, where I started working at my current job, which is probably the best job I've had so far. He's not the head manager, but he's right below that position, along with four other people. He's been with the company since it first started, and everyone who works there likes him because he has such a friendly, funny, and laidback personality, but is still professional at the same time. I've always liked him more so than the other managers, but only until recently had we started to joke around more and become friendlier with each other. There's a 17 year age gap between us (he’s 38, I’m 21), and I've known for a while that he has a girlfriend whom he's been going out with for about three years (I asked him about her casually on Valentine's Day this year, and he said that this year they would be celebrating their third anniversary).

 

Anyways, just a few weeks ago, we had been texting each other, and then one night, while he was giving me a ride home, we went out for drinks at this really nice restaurant (which I didn't know at the time), all of which he suggested. We had a great time, although I felt kinda “off” about it since I wasn't entirely sure if this was work-appropriate, and the server was giving us strange looks as well (probably trying to figure out if we were bf/gf or father/daughter, etc., haha). While on the way home, I was already a bit tipsy, and leaned on his shoulder as he drove. He then rubbed my shoulders with his free hand, and then later on, when we were at my front door, we hugged each other really tight for a long time. After that night, we were texting each other throughout the work day, and then eventually, we started sending suggestive text messages. I soon responded with an *extremely* racy text. That caused him to say that he wanted to see me that night, which he did, driving all the way from his house to mine. We then proceeded to have sex in his car that night, which was an intensely pleasurable experience for both of us, probably heightened by the fact that he's my superior at work, is taken, and is a bit older than me. Ever since then, we've been meeting up either after work to have sex with each other, or even during work, when we have to run upstairs to a separate room to get more merchandise, we sneak into areas where there's no cameras and make out or touch each other, all short of actual sex.

 

I'm not sure how to deal with this, as this is the first time I've engaged in this sort of "forbidden" relationship (I thought this only existed in t.v., books, movies, etc.). None of my close friends have ever been in this situation, and since I'm the most experienced out of them all (I've had one other boyfriend, who I'm not with anymore, and was sexually active with), I can't really ask any of them for help with this. We're both striving to keep this a secret between us two from anyone else at work, as we could both get instantly fired. I think that some of my co-workers suspect that there's something going on between us two, but they can't prove anything and just joke about us.

 

The issues that bother me a lot are (1) he *currently* has a girlfriend, which makes me question how he could be having this type of relationship with me at the same time that he's dating her, and (2) I'm afraid of developing feelings for him, as we both know that we don't want to go out with each other or even if a stable, long-term relationship could form from this. He's very reluctant to talk about his girlfriend when I ask him, so I've stopped asking him about her. How should I proceed from here on out? I *do* enjoy the sex quite a bit, and I've been anxious for some sexual release for a while, but I know deep down that my current dalliance with my boss won't last forever, nor is it healthy (for both me, and for him and his gf's relationship). At the moment I’m single, but I would like to have a stable, long-term relationship eventually...

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Wow, it made me so sad to read this. Why do you think it's ok to hurt his girlfriend the way you are?

 

This would make you un-dateable for me, so if you're looking for a stable long term relationship one day, I think you should realize there will be consequences for your actions here.

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*sigh* How would you feel if you were the GF in this situation? Why, WHY do woman feel its OK to do this to one another??? And don't give me the "Its not me its HIM." excuse. We are all responsible for our own actions.

 

Look, you are the other woman, the mistress, the F-buddy. Whatever you want to call it. Are you really going to settle for that?

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The issues that bother me a lot are (1) he *currently* has a girlfriend, which makes me question how he could be having this type of relationship with me at the same time that he's dating her

 

Another question to ask yourself would be, "Why am I getting involved with a guy who has a girlfriend?"

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You are playing with fire. You will get burned. And rightfully so, for willfully participating in a situation that you KNOW is wrong. There is no excuse, other than maybe you wanting to live out what you've seen "in t.v., books, movies, etc.". Grow up, and get real. How would you feel if you were his girlfriend?

 

Disgusting.

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I apologize if this comes off as harsh, I'll try to be as objective as possible.

 

(1) he *currently* has a girlfriend, which makes me question how he could be having this type of relationship with me at the same time that he's dating her

 

It's not your responsibility to figure out how he could be having this relationship with you while having a girlfriend. What you really should be wondering is why YOU are having a relationship with him while he has a girlfriend. Just because he's a cheater doesn't mean that it's free and clear for you. Use your own sense of morals, what if you were that girlfriend. How would you feel? Take accountability for your own actions, he's already shown he's morally bankrupt. Being single yourself does not excuse you from having your own set of morals just because someone else has lost theirs, or didn't have any to begin with.

 

(2) I'm afraid of developing feelings for him, as we both know that we don't want to go out with each other or even if a stable, long-term relationship could form from this. He's very reluctant to talk about his girlfriend when I ask him, so I've stopped asking him about her. How should I proceed from here on out?

 

I'd say I made a huge mistake and the relationship needs to end immediately and indefinitely. Then hope to god that my job didn't go with it. Regardless the relationship needs to end now. At best you just started the snowball rolling down the mountain, it might still be able to be stopped with minimal damage. If you procrastinate and continue with this relationship you have with him that snowball is going to turn into an avalanche and in that avalanche there's going to have a girlfriend mixed in, strong emotions, a job that you may be fired from, possible legal action, god knows what else. Get out now is the only advice I can give you. You're going to have to own up to what you've taken part of and it will affect your life. But if you wait it'll be much, much worse for you. I promise this.

 

If you're going to eventually have a long term relationship, you're just doing massive amounts of damage to yourself right now. Forming extremely bad social habits and setting yourself up for a very, very complicated life in the short term that nobody else is going to want to be a part of. Take accountability for your actions today, not a month or a year from now. These things follow you in life.

 

Lastly, next time you go for 1 on 1 drinks with someone from work. Make sure it's a woman and not a man. Secondly, if it is a man make sure it's not 1 on 1. Thirdly, if you're attracted to each other or even if you're just attracted to him and you might be tempted, DO NOT DRINK.

 

In short. Use your head. Starting now.

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Hoo boy, my spider senses are picking up hostility.

 

dahlia, you're asking how you should proceed. Well first of all, I'm almost positive that it won't end well for you. These type of situations seem to always end with the cheater promising for a long time that he'll leave his girlfriend for you, but never does. And that whole time, you are you just getting more and more emotionally invested in him.

 

So it's really up to you if you want to part ways now or later. It'll be easier now though.

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Don't know how long you plan on working here, but potentially this may affect your career.

 

Enhancement opportunities, perhaps - but for the wrong reason(s) and/or in a disciplinary sense if ever this temporary-tango goes south (which usually most tend to do). In a position of power he can make your life a living hell at work. Never dip your pen in the company's ink. You don't really know the guy that well, but from afar I would bet that someone else there knows that he's banging the new 21 year old. The saying is true, women talk but men brag and I would bet my whole paycheck that someone there knows the scoop or will know about the two of you soon. So it won't stay in the dark too long.

 

Right now you're living the hollywood projection screen fantasy of the young intern and the hot boss getting it on. I understand that the power theory is into play as well as the adrenaline rush and electric crackle of doing things on the sneak tip. Honestly, it sounds really exciting. But I wouldn't expect a serious relationship to form from this. First of all, he's already involved. Secondly. If he would cheat on his girlfriend of (3) years, what makes you think that if some other stunning 21 year old came his way he wouldn't do it again, to you? Third and most critical, you have to work here and come here every day to make a living. I would advise against knocking boots with the guy who at the stroke of a pen can decide your fate at work.

 

One other thing to think about.

 

I know most employment-probationary periods last six months to one year. You've only been there since December, not long enough and if that's true about your work status, you can be fired for virtually anything at this moment. ANYTHING. Think about it.

Edited by Stay_home
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When I was 21 I started dating my 38 year old boyfriend. We've been together for six years now. When I was 21 I also had a thing for older men, men in power and things that felt dangerous and like I was getting away with something. It's fun and dramatic. It makes your life feel important and it can be an absolute blast. But what your doing is really hurtful to someone you don't know. What your doing is selfish. You can date older men, you can even sneak around in the office. When the risk you're taking are your own and everyone is making a choice for themselves then I support exploring your desires and fantasies as much as you want to. But his girlfriend isn't being allowed to make a choice with full knowledge of the situation.

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Ugh. He isn't in a "relationship" with you. He's a 38 yr old dude having cheap sex with a 21 yr old. That's all you ever will be. This is so pathetic.

 

Within 6 mo everyone you work with will know about this, and no one will think well of you for it. Good move.

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and the server was giving us strange looks as well (probably trying to figure out if we were bf/gf or father/daughter, etc., haha).

Or perhaps that is his favourite place to go with his gf as well as his other bits on the side and that is why the server was giving the looks.

 

None of my close friends have ever been in this situation, and since I'm the most experienced out of them all (I've had one other boyfriend, who I'm not with anymore, and was sexually active with), I can't really ask any of them for help with this.

 

Experience doesn't necessarily make someone wise...and lack of experience does not necessarily mean they have no wisdom. I suspect that if you told your friends, most would not be very impressed and would realize even without experience, that this is a very bad situation that they themselves would not want to be in. I suspect that many would be giving you sound advice about ending this dalliance right away. I also suspect that you are not telling them because you know it is wrong and you don't want to look bad in their eyes.

 

How should I proceed from here on out?

End the dalliance.

 

At the moment I’m single, but I would like to have a stable, long-term relationship eventually..

Then you need to change your mindset and behaviour about what it means to be in a relationship. By having a "relationship" with someone who has a gf, you are demonstrating that you don't have much regard for loyalty and fidelity in a relationship. If you can willingly invade the sanctity of someone else's relationship, then where is the moral compass that would prevent you from violating the sanctity of your own relationship. Also, if you can do that to another woman, then I guess it is fair to say that it would be okay for a man in a relationship with you to have their own bit on the side.

 

Bottom line is that this is something that should be ended sooner rather than later. If you need sex there are plenty of single men who are out their trolling for sex.

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  • 8 years later...

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