tuntuntun Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I have little to no attachments. I'm 18 and very free, and making decent money as a camgirl. I have goals and aspirations, but unfortunately they're not very realistic. However, it is my one true passion in this life to pursue them. Right now I'm going the traditional route -- psychology degree (I would have been able to graduate at 19 if I hadn't screwed up in some of my classes), then grad school so I can become a psychologist with perhaps an intuitive element. However, due to my own laziness, I believe my college GPA has dropped below 3.0. Even if I get straight A's and do a minor or two, and get involved in volunteer work and clubs that relate to psychology, I'm really not sure my chances are anywhere near good anymore. Due to this, and the fact that there is a man in my life who, at least at first (before I started over analyzing it, as I do with everything) was everything I could have ever wanted. I felt love after the first time we had sex, which was also the first time we met (don't ask). He said he likes me as well, and feels a special connection, but I'm a little jaded and untrusting and some people on here have also said it sounds more like he's playing games. So whatever. I'm not close with my family. I have extended family and an estranged father where I live, but my mother and sister and stepfather are now living in another country permanently. It's their dream, but unfortunately wasn't mine. I was never close with them anyway, but them being gone hurts even more because now I know we can never be close. We're just completely different. I have little to no friends, and the ones I do have I'm becoming distant from. They don't live close, and I haven't made friends at my new college. I just don't try after living my whole life feeling like a social reject, for whatever reason, if even just me just acting like a b**** unintentionally, or not being open, or just being awkward and not knowledgeable enough about pop culture/social graces. It's not that I don't have a grain of optimism. I listened to people's advice, researched it on the internet. I just don't flipping care enough to meet people. I like my own company. And yet I feel lonely. All I do is sit around all day, visit the same few websites, listen to s***ty music from decades past, and talk to myself in my head. I want to study more. I want to go out more. But I just don't. I tell myself tomorrow I'll change. Tomorrow I'll exercise. Tomorrow I'll go to class. Tomorrow I'll meet some new friends. Occasionally, I decide that "today" will be the day I change, and I do study, and go to class, and smile at people.. but then the next day comes, and I don't really feel like making an effort. That's it. It's just an effort. It's all an effort, and one I don't feel like making. Sometimes I question if this is what I really want to be doing. I've felt great, great joy before. I know that life is worth living. I know where my purpose lies. But I'm not sure I want to be living this life. I'm not sure I can keep going to school like this. I don't want to screw up my chances of getting into grad school even more, if nothing else. I want to drive. Drive for miles. I want to not f***ing care. I want to get away from the man I love, who probably just wants to screw me. I want to see new places, meet strangers I will never see again. I want to feel thousands of different atmospheres, and leave. I feel this is the only way I can feel alive anymore, the only thing I can truly enjoy anymore. Driving, and seeing new places, and leaving. With my job, and the money it makes, it'd be easy to save up for a year like this. I have a car my mom left behind for me that's no more than 11 years old. But that would be giving up. I'm so lucky to have a father and a grandmother paying for my education, and I did so well when the state payed for my first two years. Well, I did well the first four quarters, but then not so much. I no longer have to live in a hostile home situation with a stepdad who verbally abused me and threatened to kick me out. I always wanted to live alone, in a town just like this. But my life is almost nothing. All I want to do is drive and dream. In my dreams, my world is my creation, and I dream far better than anyone I know, and better than anything I've ever read about. I can close my eyes and without even losing bodily awareness can see places, clear as day, feel someone's hand, feel a car door slam against my hip, real as f***ing anything you've ever felt. One day, I am going to die. But I don't see much difference in me dying one year from now or sixty. That's my life now. Thoughts? Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.