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Not sure where to go or what to do


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I have little to no attachments. I'm 18 and very free, and making decent money as a camgirl. I have goals and aspirations, but unfortunately they're not very realistic. However, it is my one true passion in this life to pursue them. Right now I'm going the traditional route -- psychology degree (I would have been able to graduate at 19 if I hadn't screwed up in some of my classes), then grad school so I can become a psychologist with perhaps an intuitive element. However, due to my own laziness, I believe my college GPA has dropped below 3.0. Even if I get straight A's and do a minor or two, and get involved in volunteer work and clubs that relate to psychology, I'm really not sure my chances are anywhere near good anymore.


Due to this, and the fact that there is a man in my life who, at least at first (before I started over analyzing it, as I do with everything) was everything I could have ever wanted. I felt love after the first time we had sex, which was also the first time we met (don't ask). He said he likes me as well, and feels a special connection, but I'm a little jaded and untrusting and some people on here have also said it sounds more like he's playing games. So whatever.


I'm not close with my family. I have extended family and an estranged father where I live, but my mother and sister and stepfather are now living in another country permanently. It's their dream, but unfortunately wasn't mine. I was never close with them anyway, but them being gone hurts even more because now I know we can never be close. We're just completely different.


I have little to no friends, and the ones I do have I'm becoming distant from. They don't live close, and I haven't made friends at my new college. I just don't try after living my whole life feeling like a social reject, for whatever reason, if even just me just acting like a b**** unintentionally, or not being open, or just being awkward and not knowledgeable enough about pop culture/social graces. It's not that I don't have a grain of optimism. I listened to people's advice, researched it on the internet. I just don't flipping care enough to meet people. I like my own company. And yet I feel lonely.


All I do is sit around all day, visit the same few websites, listen to s***ty music from decades past, and talk to myself in my head. I want to study more. I want to go out more. But I just don't. I tell myself tomorrow I'll change. Tomorrow I'll exercise. Tomorrow I'll go to class. Tomorrow I'll meet some new friends.


Occasionally, I decide that "today" will be the day I change, and I do study, and go to class, and smile at people.. but then the next day comes, and I don't really feel like making an effort.


That's it. It's just an effort. It's all an effort, and one I don't feel like making. Sometimes I question if this is what I really want to be doing. I've felt great, great joy before. I know that life is worth living. I know where my purpose lies. But I'm not sure I want to be living this life. I'm not sure I can keep going to school like this. I don't want to screw up my chances of getting into grad school even more, if nothing else.


I want to drive. Drive for miles. I want to not f***ing care. I want to get away from the man I love, who probably just wants to screw me. I want to see new places, meet strangers I will never see again. I want to feel thousands of different atmospheres, and leave. I feel this is the only way I can feel alive anymore, the only thing I can truly enjoy anymore. Driving, and seeing new places, and leaving. With my job, and the money it makes, it'd be easy to save up for a year like this. I have a car my mom left behind for me that's no more than 11 years old.


But that would be giving up. I'm so lucky to have a father and a grandmother paying for my education, and I did so well when the state payed for my first two years. Well, I did well the first four quarters, but then not so much.


I no longer have to live in a hostile home situation with a stepdad who verbally abused me and threatened to kick me out. I always wanted to live alone, in a town just like this. But my life is almost nothing.


All I want to do is drive and dream. In my dreams, my world is my creation, and I dream far better than anyone I know, and better than anything I've ever read about. I can close my eyes and without even losing bodily awareness can see places, clear as day, feel someone's hand, feel a car door slam against my hip, real as f***ing anything you've ever felt.


One day, I am going to die. But I don't see much difference in me dying one year from now or sixty. That's my life now.



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That is but one of my issues here. Friends aren't everything. I would like to have more, but that's not the reason my life is so empty.


I've had friends before. Friends get boring, too. People get predictable. Not having enough friends is the least of my problems and has nothing to do with why I'm questioning going to school, want to leave, etc.

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School isn't for everyone. You want to do psychology and have to deal with people? You are way young and you may be getting the wrong attitude about people from your line of work, assuming. Your problem is your family is gone now and you don't know what to do with yourself. You have the thirst to drive and see new things, you can do that anytime you want. Your in control.

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Exactly, which is why having friends isn't my problem -- I know the patterns of people, and I'm bored of it. However, my family leaving isn't what causes me to not know what to do with myself. I was never close with them. When I lived with them, I would spend all of my time in my room, doing the same things I do now. The only difference is, then I dreamed of living this life. Now that I'm living it, I find that I am happier but nothing's changed. I'm still bored and mostly numb, and unmotivated.


I guess what this all comes down to is whether I should give up for now and take a year off and drive and live off of savings, or keep at trying to make this situation work when, even though it aligns with my goals and dreams, isn't what I want to be doing right now.

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Your just a kid, you have plenty of time to live out your dreams. You may want to stay around and mature a little. You think you have seen it all but you haven't seen * * * * . Your too young to handle many of the situations you may find yourself in if you were to leave the comfort of where you are at now. Your just going through depression and the classic "what do I do now that I graduated high school" phase.

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I've actually been in college for 2-3 years. I haven't had a high school class since June 2009. I'm not sure I'm depressed, as I feel happy a lot of the time and don't see the world negatively at all. I could be, since I never do anything, but I think the real problem is that I'm not sure I want to be doing this right now.


And don't assume that just because I'm 18 I haven't seen * * * * . I know I'm not particularly experienced or wise, but I'm not the opposite either. I'm incredibly independent (always have been) and not naive. And money isn't going to be a problem because of my job.

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