Coconut Twin Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 How long were your relationships? and how long did it take to get over them and heal? What were the significant stages in the healing process? I am on day one of NC. We broke up 5 days ago. Obviously not over him, today I am totally miserable, no appetite, constant worry of how long it will take to get out of these thoughts and feelings, but i'm trying my best to focus on other things. I think peoples answers will help me realise what I have to do and give me more hope and momentum to carry this through to the finish line! Thanks Link to comment
Liraele Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 14 months... with about 2 months post breakup being seriously back and forth and remaining in daily contact, but I count the original decision as the break up, as we never truly reconciled. ~7 months removed from the relationship/break up. Still healing, though around month 5 is when I really started to get "better" and was able to start moving forward. The stages? Anger first... then sadness... then anger again... then just flat out hurt as I went over all the reasons I was unhappy in the relationship and quit in the first place, but still cared so much that I wasn't sure I'd ever see an end to it all, and beating myself up as to why he did the things he did. Then more being mad. I had a lot of being mad phases. (I lost my best friend a month post-breakup, so honestly I'm not sure how much of this is the loss of the relationship... or how much was just a crutch to avoid dealing with that.) We haven't had a real conversation in probably 4-5 months, though we've had sporadic contact. We didn't speak for 6 weeks, and I asked for some belongings to be returned to me, which he said he'd send. That was the last contact as of a few days ago. The screwed up part is that I still care... even though I know I don't necessarily want him back in my life. I loved him, and the fact that I couldn't just drop that feeling after everything makes me think that I probably always will, in a way. It just won't be a romantic relationship, or maybe even a friendship... it'll just be there. Every time I read a certain quote, I think of my situation... "Some people will always have a place in your heart, but that doesn't mean that they deserve a place in your life." Weird... but I get it, now. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 5 years and 8 months together. Dumped over the phone in April 2011. I quit my job 3 weeks after the phone call, went back to her country (had been long distance for 20 months, with regular visits). The day I got back, she told me she was dating a co-worker. I got a new job in her country. Talked with her 3 or 4 times during the next month. She was still with the guy. Went NC on July 4th. Fired from my job due to depression and crisis in the new country. No contact until January. January 2012 she sends email and we meet for coffee. She is still with the guy, but says she's confused, since the guy wants her to move in with her. She's trying to keep me in the backburner. She doenst even ask about my life... I go NC again, this time forever... I honestly hate her and will hate her forever... almost 6 years together, she is 29 and acting like a teenager... I will definitely hate her forever, which is actually a good thing...I mentaly took her off the pedestal during our last meeting, and I can now see her for who she is...a selfish brat who will never deserve to hear a word from me ever again... PS - I do not trust women nowadays...I just got a new job 3 weeks ago, plenty of female co-workers, and everytime I see them flirting with my male colleagues, I just feel like hitting them... Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 There is no real timeline to the healing process. You'll move forward, then drop back, and up and down and up and down until you eventually find yourself not feeling like such a mess. I think the general rule of thumb is about year to heal from a LTR. But it's different for everyone. Also depends on what you're doing to help yourself heal, and if you're in NC or not. You'll cycle through the stages listed below, over and over and not in any particular order.... The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Link to comment
ThunderStruck Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 It's been 2 and a half years for me, and I feel about the same right now as I did when she initially left, but the funny thing is, I got over her fully after a year and a half and started to date a girl seriously, but never fell in love with her, my story is in my signature, read it if you feel like it, it might make you understand why in the last two weeks I have gone backwards....................even though I don't know why myself, lulz! Link to comment
secondchance67 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 There is no real timeline to the healing process. You'll move forward, then drop back, and up and down and up and down until you eventually find yourself not feeling like such a mess. I think the general rule of thumb is about year to heal from a LTR. But it's different for everyone. Also depends on what you're doing to help yourself heal, and if you're in NC or not. You'll cycle through the stages listed below, over and over and not in any particular order.... The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance And while you struggle to get past the hurt and think more clearly, please remember this: Just because they move so quickly has nothing to do with YOU...its their coping mechanisms for greif and sorrow...some take months, other literally days and they seem to be back to their normal,happy selves....all depends on their level of invesetment in the relationship (and you) in the end. You need to take the time to do your greiving, your way....Freefall is right....there is no real timline to healing. Link to comment
charity Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 we were together on and off for about 6 years, have 2 children. it took me 1 year to stop being sad. another 6 months for acceptance and another 6 months for me to feel i could be with anyone else. its now 2 and half years and i am very happily INDIFFERENT! the pain was magnified by the fact that we had kids and had to have lots of contact. also because we had broken up and got back together so many times i think i found it hard to accept that this time was for real. when the ex gets with someone else immediately it twists the knife even more. what helps? 1.realizing that the relationship was not working, 2. ENA, and 3......time. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I really wish I knew how to enter quotes properly... My answers are in there! Link to comment
Yeul Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 It's not a race, guys. It's a marathon. Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I was with him 7 months ( would of hit 7 months) until I found out he cheated on me and had been in a relationship with this woman for a month meanwhile dating me talk about a slap in the face! He said he was sorry blah,blah,blah and wrote a semi-apology letter and I forgave him ( fool) He kept trying to come after for breadcrumbs after we had broken up and I caved once but that was only because I was in a weak spot. Anyways..... A week ago I hadn't heard from him for weeks and I get this e-mail saying he had changed ( ya,right) and how he was a changed man ( ya right) He was in love with her and she was the one and she was the best thing in his life ( ouch guess I never mattered) even though he said those exact same words to me once. Anyways.... I knew he had moved on and it was time for me to move on as well and it hurt me not because I finally got my closure ( even if wasn't nice closure and kinda mean) It was like I never mattered and I knew he was a jackwagon and to keep pining over him and wishing he was someone different it was time for me to move on. I haven't been in contact with him for a week and I plan on staying that way and I hope he does the same because he has moved on and there is no need to contact me and tell me how wonderful his life is. The End stick a fork in it's done! I should add even though I might have moved on I know I will still have my days where I will think about him and wonder about him and want to contact him ( crazy right?) anyways.... I know I will think about him it is normal because it is apart of the healing process and there is no timeline like everyone says. I need to move forward with my life and not dwell on the past but I know I will have my good days and bad days and it is normal Link to comment
Yeul Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 wishing he was someone different This. This is why you move on. Because you will meeting that SOMEONE DIFFERENT. Not him. Link to comment
MissieP Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Yep I realized that and even though he claims he is a changed man ( maybe for the time being and for her) I know better and I know he is jackwagon and always will be a jackwagon so pining over someone like that is a waste of breath and him telling me how great he is just showed me how immature he really is because a mature person wouldn't of done that he would of left me alone so that is why I am moving on and like I said I know I will think about him from time to time ( it's normal) I need to move on and not being sad with the should've, could've, would've. Link to comment
Liraele Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Hahaha, jackwagon. That made me laugh. Sorry, random off-topic. Carry on. XD Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 There is no real timeline to the healing process. You'll move forward, then drop back, and up and down and up and down until you eventually find yourself not feeling like such a mess. I think the general rule of thumb is about year to heal from a LTR. But it's different for everyone. Also depends on what you're doing to help yourself heal, and if you're in NC or not. You'll cycle through the stages listed below, over and over and not in any particular order.... The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Bloody hell, this is insightful. So I guess i'm around the depression bit *sighs* I was bargaining just 3 days ago, I felt so stupid and needy..he don't care, he don't care if I change either...for all i know right now he is laughing somewhere with his friends around him who are also massaging his ego. Good Luck to him Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 what a cowardly way to break up with someone - over the phone especially after 6 years of being together. Not all women are untrustworthy and the same goes for men. My ex who broke up with me on Sunday was the most trustworthy and honest, sometimes brutally honest person I know. Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 It's been 2 and a half years for me, and I feel about the same right now as I did when she initially left, but the funny thing is, I got over her fully after a year and a half and started to date a girl seriously, but never fell in love with her, my story is in my signature, read it if you feel like it, it might make you understand why in the last two weeks I have gone backwards....................even though I don't know why myself, lulz! sorry to hear you feel the same. I'll have a read of your story. I really wish you all the strength to get through this. It's really tough.. Link to comment
theface71 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 And while you struggle to get past the hurt and think more clearly, please remember this: Just because they move so quickly has nothing to do with YOU...its their coping mechanisms for greif and sorrow...some take months, other literally days and they seem to be back to their normal,happy selves....all depends on their level of invesetment in the relationship (and you) in the end. You need to take the time to do your greiving, your way....Freefall is right....there is no real timline to healing. Hmm interesting thing to think about. The concept of investment into the relationship. I always had a feeling my ex was not as invested into the relationship with me. This would explain why after about 2 months after the BU she couldn't understand why I still had lingering feelings for her. She said she was fine and couldn't understand I was still struggling.That she seemed to have bounced back fairly quickly after a 3 year relationship proved to me that somebody loved me in the relationship and I think it was me. After this brief conversation with her that was when I realized how little I meant to her when we were together. This also pushed me to finally initiate NC. So far this is day 3 of NC and though it is hard to do just nothing, on the other hand I find it easy since I know she rarely initiates contact with me. Now it will be near impossible for her to reach me since the only way we communicated was via email and online chat. I have blocked her email and deleted her from MSN Messenger. I know I'm still in the early stage of healing (only 2 1/2 months worth) but now that I am in NC I am sure it will help me along...just wish I could stop putting all the blame on me...that is the hard part... Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 all depends on their level of invesetment in the relationship (and you) in the end. Yea, my ex seemed to be investing but it all became material towards the end. He began ignoring me, acting indifferent...i knew something was up. He definitely had decided what he was going to do, it was just a matter of when to tell me... So i believe from last Sunday he has moved on, he did say he couldn't eat, sleep or do anything but amount that to guilt for dumping me really.... whatever.. Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Laninaperdida - I really think this is a better alternative. To just let feelings happen..just face it rather than suppress it by ignoring it. Like today I was telling myself, 'don't cry, don't cry' or 'don't think of him' it was counterproductive and worked against me as it made him appear even more frequently in my mind and i.e. created friction inside myself which made me feel even more crappy. So i agree with you, i think just letting feelings happen is so much more healthier. When I am going to erupt into Niagra Falls, I'll let it happen, if he enters my thoughts which is, lets face it, always...I'll just let it happen until it subsides. As long as I can control my actions in regards to NC, that's my main mission... One of my fav guru's called Mooji has the same advice, he said 'if you tell yourself to not think of pink elephants, what do you do? you think of pink elephants, pink elephants..' so yea...just found that interesting. you're cool by the way! Link to comment
Liraele Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I really wish I knew how to enter quotes properly... My answers are in there! [ quote ] at the beginning (minus the spaces) and [ /quote ] at the end (again, minus the spaces). Put those around each segment you want to quote. Link to comment
PJK Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 My ex and I were together for about 4 years and have been broken up since early December. I don't know what is wrong with me, I was genuinely in love with her and I literally never considered being with anyone else during the entire time I was with her, but I feel like I am totally over her already haha. I definitely went through all of the stages of grief (a lot of denial and a lot of sadness in the first few weeks) and now all I ever feel is mostly indifference and some anger (more of like a "what a God damn shame" feeling) when I do think of it. It helps that we live 700 miles away from each other so I know there is NO chance of running into her. Also when I found out more about the guy she is now with and how much of a loser he is I just lost all respect for her and actually began to pity her. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 It depends on what kind of relationship it was and how long it was. Just dating and under one year: the next week! Living together: A month or two. Married with a child: a couple of years. Together over ten years and they suddenly die (my situation now): who knows? It's been almost a year and I still have no desire to date anyone. If I break up with someone or they break up with me, I heal instantly almost. I mean, either I no longer wanted them or they no longer wanted me, so why cry over spilled milk? Life's short and I don't spend much time feeling bad over it. Living together, okay, you've shared a bit more of your life with them, but still, the "no longer wanting me/them is still in effect and I don't mourn the relationship any longer than necessary (long enough to find a new place, get my stuff out of his, and find a new hottie to entertain me). Marriage is a whole other story. When you have children you are connected for life and even though the "no longer wanting" effect is still in place, it's more complicated and the relationship is more intense, connected, and meaningful. I wanted the divorce for very good reasons (drug and alcohol abuse and physical abuse) so I left him after the first time he hit me. Even though I started the divorce, it still took me a long time to get my life in order, so yeah, because of my son hotties were out and I was looking for a solid, committed, relationship. It took almost two years before I was ready for that. My bf and I were extremely close. We ran his law firm together and just shared almost everything in our lives with each other for over ten years. I may never date again. I sure don't feel like I want to at this point in time and it's been almost a year. With most people it just depends on so many factors. We are all different and will have different answers to this question. Link to comment
Eight Years Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 My ex and I were together for 8 years. We were supposed to get married last october, but was postponed because his stepfather tragically died in August. Anyways, He was under a lot of stress because business was going downhill, wasnt making money, so we decided for me to move to another state so we could be financially be more stable. He was supposed to follow after tying up loose ends. After I was out there for about a month or so... and broke up with me on the phone. He had found someone new. I guess I was in denial for a while.. he came out in october (sorry my time frame is a little clouded right now...) he came out to visit, had fun.. although he was acting really weird. And he didnt bring up what he was feeling. After that we were in contact with each other for a couple months pretty much everyday. Then it was a few weeks of no contact. Then the contact would start again.. then none. Then in January, he called me and left a voice message sobbing, it was inaudible, then he contacted me through text and email.. and when I didnt respond quick enough, he was worried if I was okay or not. He even called his Dad to see if the dad contacted me. (I am closely connected to his dad, since we did become family).. And just a couple days ago, I found out the girl he was interested in is now a girlfriend he loves. Okay.. we've been together for EIGHT year, about to get married.. and not even a month after.. he found a new girlfriend??? That he LOVES??? He used me and strung me along for a long time as an emotional crutch. I didnt realize that till today. Oh, here's another ringer.. his girlfriend was once married.. and was in the same situation I was in. That girlfriend was married for two years, and the husband decided to go to Ireland for work.. and she was to follow. Except when she called her husband he said "dont even bother". I heard she was an emotional wreck like I was and was on the couch like I was and felt empty like I was. And she knew about me and him and our past.. * * * ? Ive been in NC for about 2 days now. I have my weak moments but I feel like Im getting stronger. I want to build up my confidence for myself.. and to attract someone who really deserves me and someone far better than he was. Link to comment
ewr Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Mine was 15 months. Going on 3 months NC..but I honestly started being "over it" about a month ago, maybe a little more. Something I noticed was that my healing began to progress much faster, once I stopped thinking about when I was going to heal! Link to comment
bigboy77 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 5 year relationship - took me 2 years to move on completely to indifference Link to comment
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