Am I making a mistake?

[ACA84]

First off, let me say that I got out of a bad 7 year relationship almost 2 years ago. Since then I have had a wonderful time; some things were good and others heartbreaking. I have made lots of new friends, and I now myself better know. In the last few years I’ve fallen in love a few times, and had my heart broken again…

Eight months ago I started seeing this guy I am in a relationship with. We talked for a month before meeting, and have mutual friends. I knew that he had a lot of problems, and that he wasn’t ideal for me, but I went against my better judgment. I liked dating, and I had fun being single… even if I was a hot-mess. I hate to say this, but I felt kinda sorry for him. I should have walked away in the beginning when he told me he loved me the first week, but I was too curious.

I am 27, graduating with my BSW in May, and living at my mom’s. I am planning on traveling this summer, and moving to Korea next year. I have a ton of friends, so if I want to go out, I always can. I like to be independent, even though I’m struggling right now. I drank a lot over last summer, but I have calmed down and am trying to concentrate on bettering myself.

He is 34, he went to college for 3 years, he is an alcoholic, he has a part-time job, and lives at his parents house. Like I said, he isn’t ideal BUT he is the kindest person I know. He treats me like I am the only girl in the world. I KNOW he loves me. He is the most well read person I have met. He knows everything about poetry, cult films, art, and music. He is a very unique person, and that is why I like him.

Although he supports my dreams and loves me SO much, I do not feel happy. I feel like something is missing for me. It seems that his WHOLE world revolves around me, and it is just not good enough for me. He hardly does anything without me. I have asked him to stop drinking so much, but he still manages to get drunk almost every night. He has made improvement in that he has a part-time job that he likes. He and I are both unusual people… we don’t see the world like others… but sometimes I feel that his political beliefs are crazy. He is a HUGE conspiracy theorist, to the point of no logic, and no return. I am open minded and a free spirit, but something I get so angry about some of the things he says. I feel like it causes a bigger rift between us. Sometimes I am a complete * * * * * to him… I know it’s wrong, but I feel like his overly passive behavior has made me lose some respect for him.

Basically, I am unhappy with his lack of motivation, his drinking, his obsession with conspiracies, and the fact that he constantly follows me like a puppy. I know it sounds mean, but it irritates me so much. I have tried so hard to get him to just man up… but it only just backfires. I know I cannot change him, and frankly I don’t want to be in a relationship where I want to change somebody… I tell him that he needs to make his life better FOR HIM, but he only wants to do things for me. It’s like he ONLY cares about me. He also blames other people for things that he should take responsibility for… and it really irritates me. He also always wants to talk to me when he is drinking, and I cannot stand it.

We haven’t been intimate in a month, because I don’t want to lead him on. I have been telling him that I am not happy, and that he needs to be prepared for if and when * * * * hits the fan. Sometimes I’ve been a bit too blunt maybe. But this past week, I have been stressing more that I think I need to be alone. I have so much going on, and I am so stressed out. I feel like I am not emotionally available for him. I feel like he is somewhat obsessed with me. I feel like he needs to get his own life, and as long as I am in the picture, he will not do this. He deserves someone who treats him better than I do and who doesn’t take his gentle nature for granted.

I love him. I do love him… but I don’t know how much. I don’t feel that I should be so confused. I don’t know that I want to settle down…

I have told him all of this. I told him I am not happy but he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t matter how many times I say it, it is like he is in denial of it. He tries to tell me that things were fine at one point or another. I tell him that just because things seemed okay, it does not mean that I am completely happy. I shouldn’t have to convince myself that I love him. He keeps asking me for another chance… but I don’t know if it is even about chances at this point.

The last two days I have been ignoring him, because he has been trying to guilt trip me. I know he is doing it out of desperation, but I don’t know that I want to be with someone who is so desperate. I want someone who is a stand-up and emotionally mature person. Sometimes I feel like he is a boy.

This breaks my heart too… because he is my best friend. I hate to break his heart because I am his world. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I am breaking up with him because I want to, or just because I can. I'm worried about how he will be once I break up with him.

I really need advice…

[chickydoodle]

Maybe suggest a break, give each other time apart and it will better reveal to you what you need to do.

Sometimes we can confuse pity with Love.

If it is more pity , you are lacking self-Love ( which is the most important Love and from which all else will follow in the way it should)-by sacrificing your life for another. You can be compassionate and caring without having to sacfrifice your own life for the sake of his emotional needs.

If it is Love ( and I think a break will clarify this) - you need to work on accepting him for what he is- being able to Love him unconditionally which includes his having an addiction.

It is likely he will increase his habit if you leave but this cannot deter you from leaving. He has choices. Addicts cannot handle emotional pain and this can forever pose problems in a Rs- makes them controlling/manipulative even unintentionally.

 

I understand your dillema and either decision is going to cause pain.

However I think it would be interesting to see how you would feel if he met someoene else. During My 12yrs with an addict I often felt like leaving but wondered about his welfare. When I left for a few months to spend time with family, he fell apart; embarked on an affair.....created a horrible mess....but the point is I was devastated to lose him even tho' I thought the RS was at times borne from pity for him. I was mistaken. It was true Love.

 

Youv'e got to do what is right for you in spite of the hurt it causes him. He WILL survive.

If you are not sure on what is right to do - I would suggest a 6mth break.

[charity]

its apparent to me that you do not love him. you CARE for him sure, and you LIKE HIS COMPANY, but you don't love HIM. you love that he loves you, and you find it hard to walk away from someone so adoring. HE on the other hand probably loves you because he can't have you properly. he sounds like the poetic tortured type and perhaps loves the idea of love more then actually the person they supposedly love.

 

my recent EX is EXACTLY like this guy. he would do anything for me, he is like the ideal boyfriend but far from the ideal man. he doesn't work, lives at home , doesn't contribute to bills or rent, has no friends, and lastly i believe he had mental issues. like you, at first i was openminded when he started talking about conspiracy theories and guides talking to him, but then i got irritated. after 5 months i had enough, i could see he was getting in deep with me. so i finished it. however i did weaken and had ex sex with him a few times. BIG MISTAKE! this gave him mixed signals and even though i kept saying we're still not back together, this is just sex, in his heart he though we were back together. i should have known better as i am the stronger one. so now i am doing LC with him. he texts everyday and everyday i tell him, i want space, please give me space. i hope eventually he will listen. i worry for him. he is such a loving sweetheart of a man, but he is so needy. he needs to learn to thrive by himself and i think get some help. i told him that if he gives me space, then perhaps in the future when feelings are gone we can be friends as i really want to be there for him in his life.

 

so OP sorry for rambling on about my story, i think you need to be very strong and sure with him. he won't take no easily. he will try to pursuade you to stay(because he needs you) and all he wants to do is love you.... and that is so tempting. but you know that its not enough to be loved, you also have to love him back and with the lifestyle he has you cannot do that.

[ACA84]

Thanks guys... I was afraid I was going to get a bunch of responses saying I'm a horrible person. If I saw him with someone else, I would be jealous and sad. But... I feel like we both need to grow as individuals... and I'm not happy about a lot of things he does/says. I think I love him, but I am not in love with him. There is another thing that has been bothering me.... We went to a Christmas party, and it was decided that he would be designated driver. I wanted to drink and if i get a DUI then I can't teach in Korea. So, before we went, he knew he would be driving. We went to the party and both got drunk. At one point I guess I said something upsetting to him or said I didn't want to be with him, and he blocked me from getting out of the bathroom, and I somehow managed to fall backwards onto and old fashioned bathtubs. I had a huge scar for a week or two. But he doesn't remember this. Anyhow, we went home at 6am, we were both drunk. I was mad that he locked me in the bathroom and caused me to hit my back on the bathtub, so i was yelling at him all the way home. We got a DUI outside of my house. I told the cops that we were arguing and it's partially my fault he drove over the line on the intersection. I also stupidly told the cop that we went to a Christmas party (DRUNK LOGIC). The cop towed MY car, which I had to pay for. He was so drunk that he couldn't walk straight. He only got diversion and got to keep his license. But he keeps telling me that the DUI was my fault, and that I owe him. He says he protected me, and none of this would have happened if I hadn't been yelling at him. I have already apologized for distracting him, but I feel that is the extent of my guilt. And there is also the reason WHY I was yelling at him. He has told me on so many instances that the DUI is my fault. He calls me a hypocrite. I tell him that the difference between he and I is that I KNOW driving drunk is wrong, and I don't do it anymore... but he doesn't think he did anything wrong. I am so frustrated by this. He isn't taking any responsibility for it, even though he knew he was DD. I feel like this was a chance he took, and even if he was protecting me, he shouldn't keep throwing it in my face. He is telling me that even if we break up, (he says I am breaking his heart) that I owe it to him to let him sleep here the night before his alcohol class, because my house is closer. My mom even helped him get a lawyer for 300 dollars... I just don't feel like I owe him anything, and he doesn't get it. He blames his problems on others and I just don't get it. I mean, was it my fault? I don't feel like it was. I don't want to be around him right now, but I'm starting to feel sad about things. He was my best friend....

[ACA84]

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