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Need Advice On This Odd Breakup - WARNING - VERY Long Read!


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Ok so I am going to provide every last detail without sugar coating as to the nature of the situation and I want everyone's feedback as openly and honestly as possible. Please allow me to apologize for the enormous length of this post and thank you for taking the time to read it.


In June of 2011 I met a woman. She's now 28, of Irish descent and a business owner. She grew up in a household with an alcoholic father whose addiction eventually led to her parents divorcing when she was a teenager and him passing away a few years ago while out of state in rehab. There was no sexual or physical abuse, just a whole lot of tension, yelling and overall stress the entirety of her time growing up. At the time I met her she was 9 months separated from her husband of 4 years without having brought any divorce proceedings along though she had no intention of reconciling.


We hit it off right away. We had a lot in common, we enjoyed each others company and right from the get-go we started spending every single day together from June until October of 2011. Within a week of starting to see each other we were sleeping together and not long after that she started spending nights at my place very frequently. She would close up shop every day and within a half hour she would be at my apartment. It was far more than just sex, though. We enjoyed sitting and doing nothing, watching television, ordering delivery, going to the movies and out and about in town from time to time. I got her interested in playing golf, she taught me how to play sudoku. We discovered a mutual love of chess and Guitar Hero. Very early on I started to fall for her and she was not afraid to show and say how she was starting to fall for me.


It must be noted that for the first month or so though she could not call it a relationship. We were just friends. She was hesitant to put a label on it but eventually that changed and she was comfortable labeling our relationship as something concrete. She was also VERY afraid of her husband finding out that she was seeing someone while they were still technically married but separated without any chance of reconciliation. So afraid that early in the relationship she actually asked me if I was covertly working with her husband to screw her over. She was mainly worried that he would try to take her business away once the divorce got rolling. As crazy as the question was I took it in stride, chalked it up to her being a compulsive worrier and moved on.


Throughout the entire relationship she was still emotionally obsessed with her failed marriage and where it went wrong. To describe it in full detail, her husband, who is 12 years older than her, had been a mechanic for almost 2 decades. Then, two weeks before their wedding, he quit his job with no warning or backup plan other than that he wanted to start an audio-visual installation business. Needless to say through the 4 years of their marriage he never actually got the business started at all, would hop from job to job without ever staying gainfully employed, put a huge dent in her credit and mostly just mooched off her. Oh, six months into their relationship (which was 4 years before the wedding) he cheated on her with his ex-fiance. About a year or two into their marriage he began to refuse to have sex with her. At first she continued initiating and giving him oral but he did not want to have sex at all with her. Eventually she stopped doing anything for him and they would go months and months without any intimate contact whatsoever. He would very often go out with friends until late and sometimes not even come home at all until the next day. He never wanted to be involved in anything she did for her business or the community where her business is located. There was a lot of tension between her and his family because they are hardcore Italians from New Jersey and basically she was expected to be a good and quiet wife who never had any say. Plus they're absolute white trash, Jersey Shore without the money or clubbing. They would also fight and argue a lot. For the last six months of their marriage before she kicked him out he slept on the couch in the living room of their apartment.


For the entirety of our relationship she told me everything that went wrong in her marriage and then proceeded to blame herself. She believed she pressured him and asked too much of him. She believed her temper and the 10+ lbs she gained made her ugly and unattractive and that was why he stopped having sex with her. She blamed herself for everything and believed that she should have done as was expected by him, to be a good and quiet wife who stood by her man no matter how much of a useless, white trash piece of garbage with no motivation and no hope for a successful future as he was.


Throughout the entire relationship too she constantly questioned me as to why I even liked her at all. She constantly put herself down by trying to convince me of how selfish she was, how OCD she was, how quick to get over the top angry she was. She tried desperately to prove to me she wasn't beautiful, that she wasn't good sexually and so on and so forth, all of this followed up with blaming herself for the failure of her marriage. I tried my hardest to explain to her that it was HIS fault for the failure of the marriage, not her. She would get angry and mad at him because HE wasn't being a good husband. He had no hope for a future, no motivation and did not respect her at all. Everything she said was wrong in his eyes. Every emotion she had was over the top and overboard according to him. In reality she was angry and upset because he wasn't turning out to be the picture perfect knight in shining armor she had made herself believe he was. I firmly believe she did everything she could to make the marriage work and after years and years of being neglected emotionally she'd finally had enough and kicked him out.


Anyway, back to MY story. We dated, we started to fall in love, and things were progressing as one would expect. We started actually talking about a real future together months or years down the line. Then in October she said, "Hey, I want to poke around your Facebook." I of course, thinking I had nothing to hide, let her. Well, apparently Facebook saves in your inbox every single IM conversation you ever have and of the 50 or so I had there not even knowing they existed she went to one I had in July with a friend where, when he asked about this new girl I was seeing, I described her as "reasonably attractive". This really pissed her off and for a week or so things were quite rocky. Then, before I could really make amends, she got HIT by a CAR. While crossing the main street of the town her business was in an old lady in a rental car ran her down and flung her a good 10 feet through the air before she landed in the crosswalk. Thank God she did not have a single broken bone or any serious injury whatsoever. However she was scraped and banged up and was in a lot of pain for many weeks after that. I was supportive and caring, I brought her things so she didn't have to leave her apartment and as she healed it seemed like the Facebook incident was in the past. Though it's never come up again I don't know if it was.


It needs to be noted that right before she got hit by a car was when she finally went to a lawyer and got the divorce going. So, in the midst of her healing, she had to start truly emotionally dealing with it. Prior to that she was deliberately ignoring it. "It's so much easier to spend time with you and not think about it," she would say. "It's ok, I can just stay married forever!" She was so afraid of how it would feel to really get divorced that she did everything she could to avoid it. Now, as she was recovering from one of the scariest moments of her life she now had to deal with it. Coincidentally the business she owned is heavily dependent on the holiday season so, as she was dealing with the intense pain of being hit by a car and the emotional stress of getting divorced she ALSO had to now deal with a store she practically ran all by herself that quickly went from making $500 a day to making $5000 a day. In November she went with her husband to the lawyer, signed on the dotted line...and then all Hell broke loose.


She immediately fell into a deep spiral of depression. She would spend all day at home crying uncontrollably. She would think about it constantly, about where she went wrong, what she did wrong and what she could have done to fix it. She started thinking about taking her husband back, canceling the divorce and trying again. Her friends and family (whom I never got to meet a single one of them) all knew the divorce was best for her and did their best to make sure she didn't take him back. And in the midst of all that she stopped coming over. We started to see each other less and less to the point we barely talked at all. And when we did occasionally spend time together she was fidgety, anxious and clearly miserably depressed. And instead of being a kind, caring and compassionate person I tried to rush her. I tried telling her how her life would go on, how she couldn't let herself get caught up in this, that she had to look towards the future. I thought it was helpful advice but to her it was me trying to selfishly rush her along. So eventually I backed off all that but she remained stressed, anxious and with hair-trigger tears.


Then on December 1st she showed up at my door to break up with me. She had written me a very long letter which she then read to me. In the letter she gushed about how wonderful I was to her, how she'd never met a man like me and how she'd fallen in love with me. She talked about how she one day saw a potential future with me but how now wasn't the time. The pain of her divorce was leading her in a different direction. She said she needed time to heal and focus on herself. She couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore, basically. I took it all in stride, wished her the best and we essentially parted ways. Several weeks went by then, towards the end of December, her husband came into MY job. He knew I worked there but did not know the extent of my relationship with her. He just knew I knew her and that was about it. Throughout the month he also had been coming over her place to take literally all her furniture away and leaving her with almost nothing. This, however, was her choice. She was intending on moving out and starting fresh with all new stuff. The day after he came in I found out that he'd spent the night there and I proceeded to have a huge blow out argument with her in texts. She swore up and down nothing happened though he did try. Apparently he tried to initiate sex every time with her but she refused.


Not long after that we started to see each other again casually. Out for coffee, a bite to eat. When she found a new apartment in early January I was the first person she called. She seemed like she had turned a real corner. She was no longer depressed, no longer as anxious and seemed to have reached a stage of acceptance about her divorce. But she wasn't ready for a relationship. Not with me or with anyone. She did want me as a friend, though. I did not like the idea of that but I obliged her request and did my best to be a supportive friend and nothing more. As the time grew nearer to her moving into her new place we started hooking up as Friends With Benefits which was definitely nice. But she knew I wanted more and though I did my best to keep my mouth shut and not pressure her sometimes I couldn't help it. From time to time I would bring up us restarting our relationship and apparently me even mentioning it was too much pressure for her. So I'd back off for a few weeks then bring it up again knowing it was wrong but not being able to help myself. Always with the same end result. She'd get mad, we'd argue and not talk for a few days.


Then two weeks ago, when things seemed settled down and she'd been in her new apartment about a month, I asked her on an official date. At first she was hesitant to even call it a date but when the night came for us to go on the date she was perfectly fine with calling it that. She even seemed excited that it was a date at all. At first I planned to take us to a nearby family style Italian restaurant but she said she didn't like family style so we settled on another Italian place nearby to it that turned out to be excellent. The date went well. We talked, we laughed, we had a good time. Keep in mind at this point we had not had sex for nearly a month though we were still technically friends with benefits. Every time I tried to get intimate with her she would pull away and she blamed it on her being anxious about having moved into a new apartment. EVERYTHING makes her anxious, that needs to be noted. Just as she had moved in and I was helping her set up she said, "I'm going to be an anxious wreck for at least a month." And you know what? She was. I couldn't even touch her. But anyway, as we left the restaurant and got into the car she turned to me with a concerned face, "This doesn't mean we have to go back and have sex, does it?" She was SO worried about having sex and about how such a date would often end in sex that she had to ask me. I assured her that if she didn't want to have sex then we wouldn't have sex.


Anyway, we get back to her place and I prepare to say goodnight. She asks me in which I agree to. We hang out for a bit then, even though I knew it was wrong, we get to talking. About restarting the relationship. She says she's not ready and doesn't know when she'd be ready. Through my questions I find out that she doesn't think it was right of her to fall in love with the first man she met after her husband and that when she is ready to date she might want to see what else is out there besides me. Even though, a month before and all the time before the breakup, she had told me how unique I was, how she'd never met a man like me before and how wonderful, special and beautiful I'd always made her feel. Why she'd want to play the field and see what else is out there when she apparently had the perfect man here before her is beyond me. This naturally upset me a little and the evening ended badly.


We didn't talk for a few days then, the night before Valentine's Day I made a sappy comment on Facebook about how I had no one to spend it with. This pissed her off and she unfriended me. The following day I asked her why she unfriended me and it led to an hours long argument via texts where we both said a lot of nasty things to each other and ended with her telling me to never talk to her again. Needless to say an hour later she emailed me, rescinded the "never talk to me again" comment and we smoothed things over. But things had changed. She did not feel Friends With Benefits could work. She wanted time to not be committed and not be responsible for anyone else's feelings. I wanted 100% of her, a full time girlfriend as I had before that would eventually lead to us living happily ever after. She said she could not provide this. A few days after that I finally got the answer I dreaded. She didn't know if she was in love with me anymore. Up until that point she did see the potential for a future with me but now everything was up in the air and she declared she just didn't know where she stood. We certainly couldn't be FWBs anymore.


She had tried, first in December and then again the other day, to insist I not hang onto her. She insisted I not hope for us having a future because she couldn't give anything to me right now. She specifically used the words "right now" which can go any which way, really. Especially in the letter in December she seemed to try to set me free to find someone else that she believed would be better than her. I made it very clear to her then that I was in love with her, my feelings wouldn't change and if need be I would wait for her. After what happened most recently though she then tried to "set me free" again, insisted I not hang on and this time I did not say I'd wait for her.


Through all the most recent events she said to me "I don't think you really love me because if you really loved me the way you say then being friends with me for a few months would be no problem for you." I find that to be a ridiculous statement. She also accused me of piling immense amounts of pressure on her which was apparently manifested in the few times I broached the topic of us being in a relationship. See, she cannot handle any pressure whatsoever. She's kind of fragile and easily rattled. So even though what I didn't think was too much pressure apparently was way over the top to her. "If you could just chill and not put so much pressure on me we could enjoy each other's time and in a few months you could have everything you want." Now, after my apparent screw ups, I am afraid that I ruined that possibility.


Well, that's everything. I'm mostly a mess. I try not to contact her but every few days I can't help myself but do so. Just last night I sent her a text asking her on advice on how to let her go. We talked for a bit and I asked very bluntly if she was seeing anyone. This kind of annoyed her and she wanted to know why I keep asking that because I'd done it a few times already the last few weeks. Basically, I told her it was because of my ex-wife who, after 3 months of marriage, left me for someone else. I was afraid it had happened again. She assured me she was seeing no one and I believe her.


However I lied to her. It has nothing to do with my ex-wife. It has to do with the fact I cannot understand AT ALL why she'd want to be alone. I cannot understand why she doesn't want to be with a man who loves her and would do anything on Earth for her. And I cannot understand why she no longer loves me or is in love with me. In my mind once you love someone and once you are in love with someone that never changes. And if it does change it was never real in the first place. I told her none of this, though. A big part of me wants to believe that all she needs is time alone and in a few months we could restart our relationship, do it right and make it last forever. But the other part of me is convinced she never truly loved me and never can because she's not still in love with me now.


I could be wrong about some things or everything. My own perceptions of the world, reality, life and love are warped and according to those around me entirely incorrect. Still, knowing this doesn't just magically change the way my brain is wired. I try my best to understand things as everyone else sees them but whenever I do it just feels wrong. I've been told to let her go peacefully and live my life but the thought of not having control over this situation makes me sick when I feel as though I should have absolute control over it. In my eyes if she was in love with me, and I was in love with her, then the ONLY thing that could possibly follow is happily ever after. I am also absolutely terrified of the possibility that she will never come back to me and just end up with someone else. In my eyes anyone else she ends up with will be inferior to me. She told me I was like no man she'd ever met. That just means every other man will be like the one she married. Therefore, by that logic, she should want to be with me, right?


It must be noted that if she doesn't come back to me I will invariably feel like she wasted my time. I will be very angry at her for not choosing me and would prefer having never met her. Is that wrong?


I don't think there's anything else for me to write, but I do have some questions:


1. Did I ruin my chances of being with this woman for good? Did I drive her away through my own actions?


2. Can she possibly fall in love with me once again?


3. Is there any way on this Earth to get her back?

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1. I personally don't think your actions drove her away. Maybe they made her a bit agitated at times, but it seems like there was something else going on with her.


2. Well, if she truly loved you the first time and hasn't said she never would ever want to love you again, then I suppose there's always the possibility. Never count on it though, just in case, because getting your hopes up is dangerous.


3. How is she acting? Confused? Did she ask for space? The best thing may be to go no contact with her (cliche, I know). This would also help you to figure out yourself and if you actually did anything wrong.



She may just be emotionally unstable as a person, she may not have actually loved you and you were just something new, I do not know this woman or your relationship so I can not say for sure. I am by no means the resident expert, but seeing as no one else is here yet I decided to throw my thoughts in.

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I read your entire message. I don't think brooding on your questions will be helpful to you. I'm really sorry you went through this experience. It really does not sound like she wants to be with you. People exagerate their feelings and opinions about their boyfriend all the time. Take for example, how you tell her she's beautiful - but tell your friend she's reasonably attractive. People exagerate their true feelings to their partner. It happens. I think that's what she was doing when she kept telling you that you are like noone she's met before etc etc - and all those things that cause you to feel like you are the best one for her.


She clearly does not believe you are the best one for her and she doesn't want to settle down with anyone right now. Sounds like she's too emotionally damaged from her marriage to really be committed to anyone right now. And plenty of women, when they are recovering from a major break up - choose to be single over in another relationship. I've done it before - there's nothing unatural about it. You just know you aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship and that any relationship you enter into in that condition will somehow be ruined.


I don't know if she will want to try again in the future. Who knows these things. But I don't see any reason to "wait" in the hope that she does. Truly.


It's ok to feel angry and feel that she wasted your time (though it may not have been intentional). Eventually you might forgive her for that.


I guess the thing that really jumps out at me is that I see a man trying desperately desperately hard to cling onto a bird that's trying desperately hard to fly away.


I'm sorry

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Circe, I really hope what you described is not the case. I do not want to face the possibility of her never being in love with me again. It felt right (as it always does) and I know I could make it last. She'd been an emotional wreck from the ending of her marriage since the day I'd met her but I saw what appeared to be her coming out of it as the relationship went along. It had gotten to the point she almost never brought her ex up anymore before things went south. And in spite of what you say about exaggeration I hope that too isn't the case. She was hinting that she was falling in love with me long before I came out and said it to her first.


As for the analogy of me holding onto a bird trying to fly away, it does certainly feel that way. I would have let her fly in December but she always found a reason to keep coming back and keep me in her life. She had even explicitly said, "I'm keeping my foot in the door for a reason," but I never quite found out what that reason was. But she still had made it clear she needed time. Not so much space, just time.


Well whether she likes it or not I'm giving her space too. As much as she claims she was always up front and honest about her feelings and never sent mixed signals she still did send mixed signals through her actions though not so much her words.


I cannot help but feel waiting for her until it's obvious it's pointless is the only honorable thing to do, otherwise what I claim to be my love for her wouldn't be genuine. It's just a matter of time, I feel. When she broke up with me in December we went several weeks of no contact and I made a point of not sending any texts or calling. Eventually she started to. So if I just wait it out I have a feeling the same thing will eventually happen. Of course, I could be getting my hopes up with that.


Only time will tell. It's so much easier in the movies, you know? Life needs to start being more like that.

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I know you'll do what you want to do because ending things with someone you have strong feelings for can be very difficult - sometimes, especially when the relationship was full of turmoil.


So I won't try to talk you out of it. I think eventually, when you do move on - this experience will be something to learn from and not necessarily an entire waste. Try not to hold onto it for so long that you really are just completely wasting your life to your utter detriment.

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