Girlfriend 18, left me for 43 year old guy!

[jay1234]

I think she has been made to believe, perswaded herself or knows for a fact THAT the grass is greener on the other side. I've been looking into this theory now as it's bascially not a rebound relationship. My ex and this bloke knew eachother for about 3 - 4 months. She was to naive to believe that this guy was trying to hit on her, she thought he was just being friendly. And thats just what she needed, "friends"...

[Fudgie]

Jay,

 

I don't really believe that she actually thought this guy was just there for friendship. I think she knew. I mean, they were flirting and everything, sending flirty texts, etc.

 

I have a feeling that she definitely knew what was going on but she made a choice to let it happen. That is definitely her fault. If she really just saw him as a friend and nothing more, then why does she have feelings and is with him now? Because she was receptive to his advances and wasn't loyal to you.

 

If this guy has a history of using younger girls, then I really think it's a matter of time before she comes sulking and crying back because he may not treat her right. The question is, would you take her back?

[Hollyj]

I am certainly not a professional, but when someone says they had taken care of someone, and felt the need to go to her father - this was said several times - I saw a problem with control. He is no longer in this girls life and should not play this role. Re. the therapists office, it seems like many are in therapy for many years!!!!! It never stops!

 

Yes. He is working through his pain, and this must be a horrible time, but there didn't seem to be any connection to her responsibility- she sounded like a victim. From what he's written, he's going back as soon as she will have him.

 

We all have different methods, but i wish someone had given me tough love, as it would have saved me a boatload of pain.

[jay1234]

In the start i believe see saw him as a just a friend, and as that "father figure". The texts i saw back in september were 'flirty', but in his part. She was responding to the texts, but in a friendly manner. She wasn't calling him hunnie ect, like he was calling her. I dont think she really wanted it to happen intentionally, but she did let it happen. I'm not sure if he has a history with younger girls, but my ex's sister has told me that she knows someone who went out with him and said he's a weirdo. He shouldnt be chasing girls who: 1. Are very vunrable, 2. Her mum is in a wheel chair, and he has taken advantage of that, and 3. Her dads not around, this would not have happened if her dad was around. (The list could go on).

 

I'm not sure if she will have the guts to come back to me... I think his true colours will show in time, but I think hes know exactly how to treat her right from experience as he is 43.

 

Now I'm single, I want time out for myself. If she does come crying back to me im not going to make any quick decisions. She would really have to prove herself. Time out is going to be good for myself dont you think?

[Fudgie]

I guess I am just skeptical because I have known of several girls who have male "friends", who are not true friends, and they aren't blind: they know what "hunnie" and "sweetheart" mean. They themselves don't flirt back but they can read what is going on on the guys' side.

 

My FIRST relationship with an older man, he was like a father figure to me. I have a father in my life who I am close with and still am to this day. So you can't really say that her having her father around would have stopped this from happening. Her mum being in a wheelchair doesn't really matter either. I still think on some level, you are hurting and making excuses for this girl because sometimes, finding out that the person that you love isn't all that great is worst thing of all.

 

There are so many girls, millions of them by now, who grow up with crappy or absent fathers and in no way do they all run off with older men because of it. Your girlfriend is messed up and immature in other ways, and that's why she did it. Her actions are statements of the sort of person she is, with messed up values....they are not statements of her past.

 

We can blame the older guy all we can but the fact of the matter is that there are all sorts of scummy people out there...both genders, ALL ages...and there are many, many, many men who are happy to have a roll in the hay with your girlfriend if given the chance. And you know what? They're everwhere. Work, stores, school, etc. Your girlfriend comes into contact with them all the time and always will and you can never stop it or make it better, outside of keeping your SO indoors all the time and off the internet. You can't stop these men from being scum and you can't stop them from hitting on her - that's your girlfriend's responsibility and duty to say "no" and not give them a chance. But she is the wrong here because she gave him a chance.

 

Yes, time out is going to be good for you. Get your thoughts together and you'll come to see the sort of person that she is. I'm glad that you're not going to just take her back if she comes crying back.

[jay1234]

I really do agree with bascially everything you've just said. When i say that her dad not being around had something to do with it, i mean that her dad would have be straight down to the guys house and would have told him to back off. He really wouldnt have accepted this. And when i say her mum being ill has something to do with it, i mean that she cant physically cant stop it happening. So, this guy did step in to begin with pretending to be that father figure, helping her mum out with anything she wanted doing ect and it's like he was hitting on them at the same time.

 

She has been immature, and i think she does have a screw loose tbf. When she broke up with me she said me and her had been living in a bubble and a dream world for the past 3 years, but shes the one in this dream world and bubble now. I'm the one in reality.

 

Im dissappointed at myself for letting this happen, but thinking about it i think it would have happened anyway, due to him living in the same village and going down the pub every night. I did tell her I'm not comftable about her seeing him, and i trusted her and took her word for it. I'm just angry that it all happened underneath my nose.

 

I think you have hit the nail on the head Fudgie.

 

I need time out big time lol.

[jay1234]

Hi everyone. Just a little update!

 

It's been a month of no contact now! And 2 months since we broke up. Times gone quick. It's alot easier not speaker to her.

 

My Mum still goes over to her house every monday to help her Mum out with a few things, like taking her shopping ect.

 

My ex's mum said that my ex has been really grumpy lately. Dont know why, but could be anything I guess. And my ex has been saying to her Mum that shes been dreading going to uni because shes not a drinker herself and shes scared shes not going to make friends with anyone. It's sad because I would have been there for her at Uni whenever possible and whenever she needed me because where both going to the same area.

 

I'm sticking no contact, and will only speak to her if she contacts me I guess. Unless she sends me a pointless text which I cant reply to or open up to. I've just been sticking to gym for the last month now, it's like a drug to me lol.

 

So yeah 2 months since we broke up, we will see what happens...

[duke nukem]

Good on ya man, you're doing well.

[Ms Darcy]

He did know about me, but i have never met him face to face. But i know if i would have i would have told him to back off and probably punched him lol. But, i dont think this would have made a difference to how things turned out anyway.

 

The thing is me and her in the first two years of out relationship were together almost every day, as we were both at college for two years. We did everything together.

 

This year i started art college and my ex started working full time at this pub. So we didnt spend as much time together as we used to. Basically this guy was there when i havnt been, and even is she would have told him to back off herself, she couldnt have really gotten away from him.

 

I think you are doing great with no contact so keep it up! There is no doubt your ex did you wrong and knowingly left you for the other, older guy. She is responsible for that choice. At the same time, I think you might want to face that your relationship wasn't exactly healthy. Seeing each other everyday for years, giving up friends is a recipe for one desperately wanting "freedom" in some form. Something to think about for future relationships.

 

Good luck to you.

[jay1234]

Thanks! Yeah I knew seeing eachother that freqently wasnt healthy. And anyway, your always more happy to see eachother when you have a little time apart if you know what I mean. Shes one of those people that doesn't like being on her own (but i was always there for her, and always on the other end of the phone if she needed me). We were together almost everyday for 2 years, and then after that 2 years of college I did another year at college and she went into work full time.

 

Luckly i kept intouch with a few friends throughout our relationship, who I'm still close with now. Whereas she lost contact with all of hers, and thats why we had one of those relationships where we were eachother bestmates. I always tried to encourage her to get out and about, and to meet up with friends but she didnt ever really want to.

 

I will be taking this experience as a big lesson in the future.

[jay1234]

Thanks for the heads up man, it's really encouraging!

[jay1234]

Hey everyone. Having two months away from my ex has allowed me to think about where our relationship started to go wrong and downhill and this weekend I've really been thinking about it for some reason.

 

Theres a few things. Is it worth texting her? I dont know why I feel like addressing this to her. Is it a bad idea? Shall I wait till she contacts me? I just feel really quilty, and I'm blamming it all on myself again!

 

It's just been a bad weekend for some reason, and I havn't felt this down in a while.

[SnowWhite7]

I can never understand this. People just don't appreciate what they've got. I can't imagine what 18 year old would want to be seen with a 40 something. I can't see this working. I mean will they go out together in public? People will think that they're father and daughter. People will stare and laugh if they find out I think. Unless he's a really young looking 40 something?

[sandrawg]

WOW...as a 44 yr old woman, I'm kind of insulted by what you've written. It's not like the guy is 80 or something! People in their 40s don't look that old. Esp if you've taken good care of yourself.

 

I'm often mistaken for late 20s, early 30s. In fact, guys in their 20s come on to me all the time because they think I'm their age.

 

So..don't assume there's something creepy about an age gap like this. My last 2 serious rel'ships were with guys in their 20s, and nobody even looked twice at us when we were out in public.

 

 

 

 

 

I can never understand this. People just don't appreciate what they've got. I can't imagine what 18 year old would want to be seen with a 40 something. I can't see this working. I mean will they go out together in public? People will think that they're father and daughter. People will stare and laugh if they find out I think. Unless he's a really young looking 40 something?

[markie6]

I had a relationship with an 18 year age gap, she was mid 20's and people didnt laugh, and the men definitely didn't

[Fudgie]

True dat. I dated older guys for a whole after I was 18. I am with someone my age now but whatever. People stared at my ex and I but whatever. Had to deal with rude waitresses and "grandpa" assumptions (Oh that really peeved me!) but hey, oh well! Depending on the person (male or female) people in their 40s can look and act a lot younger!

 

What I find bad about this (and I've explained to OP) is that the girl willingly pursued this man while with the OP. It wasn't a case of a "manipulative, bad older man tricking a poor, naive girl". This girl liked the attention, flirted back, and essentially got with him while she was in a relationship. That's really makes her a harlot in my eyes.

[sandrawg]

I agree with Fudgie. OP, why would you even WANT this girl back, assuming she does get tired of the older guy?

[SnowWhite7]

Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone. I just mean I know when you're a teenager people 30 seem old. Even though they aren't. I just can't imagine what they would have to talk about. Most teens I remember weren't that mature. In any case it doesn't matter if she's with someone or not the OP deserves better.

[sandrawg]

Now THAT I agree with you on!

 

I have a friend who's 36 and dating an 18 yr old and frankly, I can't stand to be around them. No offense to 18 yr olds, but when you're my age...you're more concerned with politics and taxes and adult stuff like that than reality television and your old high school debate team. It's bizarre to me. It's like my 36 yr old friend has regressed.

 

I imagine at some point, the older guy will realize he can't talk about anything substantial to this girl. Their maturity and experience gap is simply too huge.

 

Or, she'll be flakey and dump him for someone closer to her own age...you change a lot when you're 18. The things you liked when you're 18 are usually long gone by the time you hit 21.

 

Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone. I just mean I know when you're a teenager people 30 seem old. Even though they aren't. I just can't imagine what they would have to talk about. Most teens I remember weren't that mature. In any case it doesn't matter if she's with someone or not the OP deserves better.

[jay1234]

Hi everyone, let me start by saying thanks for all your comments, it means alot. Well its been a while since ive been on here. I've been feeling amazing for like the past 3-4 weeks.

 

I got talking to this girl at college quite alot, and talking to her through text. This was a huge boost in my convidence, and it proves that I am a convident person, and I can talk to other girls if I put in the effort! Its weird, as soon as I started talking to this girl, I completely blocked out my ex, and I didnt even think about her deeply for around 3 weeks. The girl I was talking to is now seeing someone, so Ive stopped speaking to her. It just feels like she led me on a bit lol, its weird.

 

So i dont know what to do now, since Ive stopped talking to this girl my ex has started to pop into my head again! Its really annoying, I just want to move on, and feel like I was for the past 3 weeks, I felt AMAZING in myself! Also Ive finished college now, so I'm not going to see my mates as frequently as I'm used to which is really annoying! I hate having free time where Im not doing anything, thats when I start to think deep about things which I dont want to think about!

 

Any tips from you guys? Its nice to talk to other girls, even if it just in a friendly way. Its amazing how I just stopped thinking about my ex when I was talking to this other girl! She honestly didnt even cross my mind in 3 weeks, it was nice to give my head a rest and put all my thoughts and energy into someone else.